Why am I crying?

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So for months I have been excitedly awaiting the birth of my niece's baby even though I live 2,000 miles away and hardly see her. Today was the day. All went well and a healthy, chuncky baby girl arrived. But instead of being happy when I saw the pictures on Facebook, I found myself crying. I've been married 42 years but we weren't able to have kids. When I found out as an adult that I had ASD, I realized that's why as a child I never played with dolls and that's why my whole life I have felt very uncomfortable holding a baby even for a few minutes. I just don't know how to connect with a baby, I can't "ooh, ahh, and gaga" with a baby in my arms like NT people do. I would have been a terrible mother so it's a good thing I am not one.

So why am I crying? I am so selfish, I should be happy for my niece and her husband and for my brother who now has his first granddaughter.

I just feel so alone and isolated, like I am on the outside of life looking through some sort of barrier that I can never break through. I can see everybody going through the "normal" stages of life, having kids, raising a family, having grand kids, you know, the whole circle of life thing. But I will never have that, I will always be on the outside looking in. I will always be isolated, disconnected, behind the barrier. I crave some sort of connection, but I can't connect.

My nearest relatives are 2,000 miles away. I've been living at this place for six years and I don't have a single friend, because I am not outgoing and everyone here is well established with their circle of friends. I'm in a very remote place and the nearest major city is 3 1/2 hours away. So I spend most of my time totally alone. My husband's job makes him so busy, so his life is very active and full. I have not told him how I am feeling today because he has so many problems to deal with at work.

So here I am at 1AM crying and writing to complete strangers. Thanks for reading. Sorry I am so petty and selfish that I can't even be happy for my own family members in their time of great joy.

I disagree that you would of been a terrible mother. I never played with dolls and don't particularally get on well babies, kids I'm fine with though. I have two brilliant children who mean the world to me. Also its better for a babies brain development if you talk to them like you would any adult. So teach the kid the law of physics or all the different kind of monsters in the game your currently paying. My daughter knows all the different dinosaurs on ark, plus all the race/class combos on wow....

Maybe its possible for you foster or adopt a kid instead if you feel like your missing out and skip the baby stage altogether. Its never to late so to speak. Just do what you feel is right. Also speak to your husband. He loves you regardless of his issues at work he will make time for you!

You probably cried because you missed out on having kids, like I did.

Thanks for the responses. I ordered a baby gift online today to be sent to their house.

So since you missed out on having kids, does it ever bother you and hit you like a ton of bricks at times? If so, how do you cope?

I've always had ambivalence pertaining to having kids. I do regret not having kids, and probably would have benefited from it ultimately, even if I had to go through crises in order to benefit.

It's not that I mind the responsibility, per se. But I used to worry that I might not have the presence of mind to, say, watch over little toddlers constantly. If one doesn't watch little toddlers constantly, they tend to wander off and do things like run into the street, where they can get hit by a car.

Additionally, I've always felt myself incapable of handling the little crises which inevitable arise with children. That I might not be able to handle it well. That I might fly off the handle (though NEVER abusing my child!--flying off the handle would mean just being flustered in general, and making mistakes as a result).

And, perhaps most importantly, I really have difficulty relating to kids under 6. Because I was classically autistic before the age of 6, and I had no experience relating to people before then, and especially relating to kids that age. I do much better with kids over 6. I would experience difficulty being consummately nurturing to a very young child.

It's not strange to feel this way. It's ok to miss your family at a time like this. It's ok to grieve for not having kids. Some women have strong maternal urges, some don't. You're allowed to be human and have feelings.

These big events sometimes shock people into contact with feelings they usually don't pay much attention to.

Thanks for your kind response.

Is there a reason you remain 2,000 miles away?

Could you get on a plane, say, next week, check into a motel and go hold the baby?

It's not the same, but I'm convinced it would be an improvement.

I always had the idea, from very young, that I would never be a father. It came true.

Perhaps it's because of my Wolfman proclivities?

The reason we live 2,000 miles away is because of jobs. My husband and I both lost our jobs in 2011. We both worked at the same place. So then he found this job 2,000 miles away. Via Amazon, I was able to send a baby gift of blocks that have numbers and the words, " days, weeks, months years" on them. So today my niece posted a picture on Facebook of the baby laying next to the blocks which were positioned to read "3 days." So that made me feel better because I had contributed something for the family that will help create treasured memories for us all.