Aspie Aspie Disaster

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a 31 year old female and have thought for awhile that I have aspergers. I usually score around a 40 on a test, and everything fits. It explains what years of therapy and misdiagnosis can not. I started dating an older man, who scores about 30. Everything in common, great convos, we have a ton of fun. We're extremely supportive of each other. It seemed after a lifetime of failed relationships, we had it right. However, conflicts are an all or nothing fiasco.

We've had a few silly spats, but he tends to get rude, hang up on me, ignore me, and threaten a breakup. (When we first started talking we discussed what upset us, what we need when we're upset, and promised to never hang up or completely ignore. He knows those are huge triggers, but has done it anyway.) Today I tried discussing how I felt about a previous pondering of breaking up, he decided we'd already discussed it, we'd talk later, but ended up needing space. As in total silence. That hurt and felt like punishment, I tried calling and texting a bit. He blocked me on fb. And broke up via text. At first I was upset, and convinced I would make the long drive to prove my love. Totally insane? Um, yeah. Luckily I've realized, he needs to prove himself to me. I am not perfect, but I am not mean or cruel. I struggle with a serious illness (severe pms) and never take it out on him. Whenever his flaws showed, I was loving, understanding and forgiving. Even if it was directed at me. I don't receive any slack. I understand how not respecting his space can be rude. But his need for space comes at times when I am upset and before the conversation is over, so I struggle because it feels like the space is a need for control. He just sees it as disrespect. I don't even know if I'd take him back... If he returns. We did talk on the phone and he said he doesn't want anyone to love him. It's as if he flip flops from forever to never over nothing, and I can't do that.

All this had made me realize how bad I want an official diagnosis, for life to finally make sense for not making sense, and to develop better skills. I'm tired of feeling like I'm this abnormal freak, for the failures, for fighting who I am and what makes me, me. I don't feel completely at fault for the relationship, and maybe was too forgiving, and too hard on myself. But I need to figure out myself, and if I truly want to be with someone, or if life is better with just my son and I... Who is the biggest consideration in all this. My baby does not deserve turmoil (what I assume the relationship will be), and our relationship is great. He needs me, and maybe the best mom is a single one. (My son hasn't been overly involved in the relationship and my bf isn't his father)

I have noticed a pattern with aspie guys. Once we break up with someone, that's it, end of discussion. I even did that once. What led to the split was I was always wrong and the most minuscule trigger sent her into a screaming rage. An important lesson to learn early on is you can't get rid of Crazy.

Put this whole thing behind you and move on. It really is for the best.

Totally irrelevant, but it sounds like you son is your life. How old is he?

Thank you! Screaming rage is def a reason to break up. Aw not irrelevant at all! My lil guy is 6, and yep he's everything to me. I don't think he's aspie, but he has many little quirks and some mature interests for a 6 year old so we get along great.

I have the place to myself for the night, and no tears or mad dash to his house. As the hours went on, I have realized that I went into so much detail about my trigger, warned my bf that it makes me insane, yet he still did it. That's really not cool and invalidates any other issues or flaws either one has (which weren't that major). It's not worth sacrificing myself over. I have a feeling he may get in touch, but it's been awhile since I gave anyone a second chance and I don't think I'd start now.

It sounds like you were the only one trying to make the relationship work. My 2nd girlfriend was an Aspie & the relationship felt kinda of one sided partly because of her being in college & her parents wanting things on their terms. Sure we had fights but I was always doing my best to try & work on things & I had started anxiety medication & was gradually getting better within the relationship. I volunteered to give her space so she could study for her exams & she broke up with me after them.
My current girlfriend is also on the spectrum & we've been living together for like 4 & a half years now. We do have some fights but we both really love each other & are committed to trying to make the relationship work. It helps that we're both kinda needy & clingy within a relationship but I'm probably worse than her. My 2nd girlfriend was more independent or at least wanted to be.

Not all aspies will get along. Especially if they have a mixture of ND and NT traits that might not be compatible. I think there must be a few traits to use that will predict ND ND relationship success (or even ND half-NT relationship success). It is certainly not the case that being diagnosed with autism means you will be a good match with somebody else that is too. It might be to the contrary since the success might depend on having complementary coping strategies, but matching relationship preferences (like sexual-asexual, strong bonding or not and clingy or not).

I doubt that is the general pattern. I think the pattern is that once we feel hate or strong negative feelings towards somebody, a break-up is inevitable. Break-ups without that are not likely to be final.

I think it is hard enough for NTs for balance a new SO and kids. It is likely to be even harder for Aspies who tend to have one track minds. I know one really smart NT couple with her kids--she took it step by step over a period of years to get to all living together under one roof.

Thanks for the input... It's confusing how he went from move in and marriage talk, to done. There weren't even any major problems, we had everything in common. Got along great. A normal convo spiraled simply because I brought up a concern,that to him was over (it was from Wed, and first time I brought it up) Which is just ridiculous.

I did compare myself to two long terms he had and asked why they had so long but I didn't. Looking back I know that was silly. Maybe they didn't challenge his bad behavior, or maybe they appeased his fixer side. I also told him he didn't truly love me if he could so easily walk away over something like this. I really think he loved the illusion, finally going to have his happily ever after, but couldn't face the reality that the relationship, as great as it was, was not an instant home run. I'm still not sad, only confused. And annoyed that I trusted someone who turned out to be like this. But I am proud that I was able to recognize red flags, speak up, not jump in and protect my son from heartache!

I think it is more of a problem than something positive to have everything in common. You can too easily get along without any fights or compromises, so you never notice how that is not working until you are long into it.

A lot of us are prone to black/white thinking. With relationships, it can alternate between two extremes: You don't fit my mold, you pissed me off, we're done; or I finally have THE ONE, I'm not letting go no matter what. We can be rectal orifices or clingy creeps. A lot of us do find a balance, so I'm not pigeonholing all aspies as that. It's just an area we struggle with.

If you really want to get confused, end up with the obsessive video game player type who really just wants a gf for the bragging rights!

Something I see as problematic is there are many aspie men out there who haven't yet figured out that women are people just like them. The see them as objects, as possessions they are entitled to. This is because to them, NT men appear to "get women" with ease. The reality is more nuanced than that, more complex. They see the pickup, not the events leading up to it. And when the same is applied as a superficial tactic by those aspies, they blame NT guys for somehow cheating the system, or they assume that women only want to date rectal orifices.

Beyond that, it's like a dog chasing a car. If we actually catch one, what do we do with it? Once we actually get in a relationship, there's nothing to work for. There's not as much understanding of what it means to share your lives together: paychecks, bank accounts, bills, debts (vomit). Sure that's more marriage talk, but in dating, your main capital is your time. If it isn't important to us, if we can't clearly see why it should be important, it's just irrelevant, so I'm going back to my video games (or whatever special interest). We tend to be stingy with the most important asset we have, and if a guy won't share time, if he won't share emotionally, likely he won't share in other foundational areas, either.

He has to look beyond himself in order to make this work. Any threat to his status quo will put the relationship in jeopardy. For this to work, he has to accept you as a person, not a gf trophy.

Oh, and keep a distant eye on him. Apparently he's figured out how to get into relationships. I'd be interested to know if he's seeing someone else within 3 weeks and just how long it lasts!

I'm only the latter. If it isn't "she is the one", I'm not interested, so the first scenario will never happen.

Edit: I'm the first one with friends, but since I don't let friendships become relationships, I never end up at that extreme with a partner.



That seems totally alien to me. To have a gf for the bragging rights is an NT-trait, so not sure why you mix this up with NDs.



That's also totally alien to me, and it cannot be an ND trait either.



Sure, when they copy useless tactics (dating), they will end up with useless results.



That's easy. Love them forever.



People learn things like that. Nobody enters their first relationship already knowing how to do that.



You are totally right about that.

To be totally honest, I only have enough motivation to pursue a girl when I have a serious crush on her. When that happens, she will become my primary special interest, which means I can put down any amount of time on her. There is no competition for time at all in that stage.

So, why try to learn alien ways when the natural one's work just fine?

Will all aspies do that?

I have a narrow range of special interests. Not just one single interest, but a select few. Women happen to fall within that range. Redbook was my Bible during my preteen years! Cheap romance novels. Soap operas. I had a good steady diet of women's media. So I had a basic understanding of women's interests. The challenge was in theory vs. practice, and it took me to the end of college to finally get it right--all part of the aspie experience, I suppose.

My tendency in pursuing a crush was to be too clingy and forward, which scared girls away. Or if I got dumped I'd fight battles I couldn't win. I'm lucky I didn't end up in jail. I disciplined myself to be more chill, let them come to me, narrow it down to who was interested, and test the waters for mutual chemistry. That approach NEVER failed.

THIS!! ! I can relate so much and am working on the chill part, but I am a lot better.

If you were forward, you didn't play it by the natural rules. An ND will always observe his "targets" first and find out if they are interested. He will not get a crush on a girl that he hasn't observed for a while and that he knows is interested back. He will definitely not walk up to a girl and ask for a date.

The other behavior that typically causes one-sided crushes is to chat with girls he has a romantic interest in. That is a serious assault on his sensitive love-system that can quickly get him into a heavy crush, and one that often is not mutual.

So your problem likely was that you didn't play it by the natural rules, but instead tried to play it by the NT rules.

What is applicable to guys is applicable for girls too. At least to some degree. Primary rule: Never get too emotionally involved in somebody until you know there is a mutual interest.