college age Aspergers daughter-does NOTHING but computer

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I agree the daughter might be mad initially but I disagree just making the daughter happy on the surface is good for her long term health and happiness. It is similar to dog training. If dog owner gives everything to the dog without asking any behaviour before, the trainer will ask the owner to make the dog perform something before giving it reward in the future to help the dog in the LONG TERM. And as I have said in the initial post, the person/dog might be initially angry and rebellious (which can be largely avoided by taking baby steps), but will eventually comply because they want the reward.

What you are suggesting is like to keep spoiling the child just because when you stop spoiling the child, the child is gonna throw dramas. I mean I would expect a normal 8 year old to start working for their rewards. So unless the daughter's cognitive ability or emotionally ability is below a 8 year old, this method is logically doable. And if her daughter CAN'T spend 5 more minute talking with family for a new book/game/etc. to start off the program, then OP might want to consider getting psychiatric evaluation for the daughter so that she can at least get serious disability money...

But obviously unless OP has husband completely working with her and supporting each other, don't do this. This is not primarily OP's responsibility and please "put the mask on yourself first before putting it on your children" as it is said in airplane emergency instructions. Your happiness comes first because the healthier and happier you are, the more strength you have to look after others. Good luck!

Also for references, I have spent all my time in my room on my computer when I was in middle/high school after school finishes because of depression + anxiety. And I hope that is what someone has done to help me! I have wasted so much time, I terribly regret not learning a musical instrument or a sport with that time.

My step father was physically and emotionally abusive, my mother was not around, but thankfully my little step sister helped me come out of my shell with her constant nudging for attention. It was annoying at that time, but I really appreciate it now looking back. My step sister annoyed the hell out of me at that time, yet now I welcome her to visit and live with me for her upcoming summer break. I am gonna take her and my dog hiking!

All in all it all comes to OP's husband. Does he really think her daughter is only capable of surviving and staying in her room at this stage of her life given her inborn abilities? Does he think his daughter is actually capable of achieving much more if given the right support? And is he willing to be patient and supportive to guide her to her potential if he has answered No and Yes respectively to the previous two questions? If he thinks his daughter is only capable of doing what she is doing now, then obviously OP needs to stay out of the way.

I doubt she actually needs reminding to shower and change her clothes. She likely simply chooses not to until bothered about it.

I think it's important to find out what she's doing on the computer. It might be something beneficial to her. For example, she might be reading informative things, or honing her social skills by chatting, or teaching herself how to code. I spent a lot of time on the computer doing all of these things when I was slightly younger than her. The only regret I have is that I didn't get enough exercise. I think if someone had prevented me from my computer time, it would have done a disservice to me, as I learned many valuable things.

That being said, people with AS are usually capable of becoming productive members of society, given the right supports, so he should set some expectations for her. For example, that she take some college courses, or get a part time job.

Asperger Experts is an organization founded by two adult Aspies and they deal with cases like this all the time. Even if you don't pay for their programs, they offer resources like livestreams for free. They also have a good Facebook page.

I don't think it's just an autism thing. My 15 year old allistic brother is the same way. At a certain point a kick in the rear (figuratively) is sometimes what is needed. As others have said, maybe find out what she's doing on the computer and find a way to motivate her through that. My brother likes video games and often makes redstone machinery in Minecraft, so I pointed him to some places online with information about careers in the gaming industry. He's interested so far.

It really depends on the child. Many autistic children do not respond to rewards and punishments the same way (or at all). For me, the best way is to think of it is the practical way, not the dog training way, because I am not raising a dog, I am raising a child. The other thing is frankly there is a trade-off between pushing your kid too hard to gain functionality too fast and in the wrong way and happiness. I am not saying that her being in her room, on the computer all day is the path to happiness, (and yes, if he has not been working on adaptive skills at all, that is no good) but on the other end, pushing too hard is a problem, and I think just as many parents err on that side of it, as they do on the other side of just letting them do whatever they think they want. Switching doing nothing to making her do too much, with a punitive approach, with not enough guidance, while also getting a new step mom, would be the worst thing.

If it were me I would focus on the positives vs. these other approaches because I think it works on a wider range of children. No one said not to teach her skills, just that rewarding her like a puppy may not be the most effective way.

Back to the OP, if she lived in a single room in a dorm she would be responsible for her own self-care (which she seems to do, with reminders) and cleaning up after her self. So to me, the easiest, and most productive thing to teach would be extensions of what she can already do. She can work the microwave so that (to me) implies that operating a washer and dryer, a dishwasher and a vacuum, might be the logical way to go.

Cleaning should start with her room both to make it manageable and because if she is independent she will be cleaning for herself, primarily. In addition, it has the added bonus of the fact that if she can maintain her own room by cleaning, vacuuming and shuttling laundry in and out, she won't have other people in her room, which she may find annoying. So this is a natural benefit.

She should work on doing her own laundry because, again, there is no practical reason to make her learn how to do other people's laundry and doing family laundry is way more complicated. If she can learn to sort, launder, dry, and put away her own clothes, that would be great. She does not need to figure out whose socks and underpants are whose. And again there is a natural benefit to this. It means people won't be in her room retrieving and putting away clothes or looking through her underwear. Natural benefit.

She also needs to start interracting with store clerks and restaurant staff, so she can learn to shop for herself, and I would work on small outings that are also a treat for her.

Now all of these things, will take a lot of time, and she is not going to be able to do them all at once or even close. Pick the easiest thing. A;ways go for the lowest hanging fruit, so she can succeed and get instant confidence.

It needs to be laid out step-by-step. Things you think are implied or obvious may not be. With cleaning her own room, she may have no idea how to start, and have to be given a visually appealing list to follow. Also, IMO, I think the father should work on her with this because she has a longer-term connection to him (obviously) and because she is likely to be motivated by him.

With the dishwasher, I would not make her go through everything all at once. If she can put her own plates and utensils and glasses, check to see if it is full, and run it if it is, that would be great to start. Putting things away should be a later iteration because it is more confusing.

These have been interesting to read, thanks for your responses. The daughter is not interested in money at all- not interested in shopping or buying anything, so earning money in anyway is not even in her thought processes. Her dad feels that since she is an "adult" (and he takes a couple hundred from her SSI for "rent"), she is entitled to live as she pleases. Which is in her room most of the time. Again, she will make an "appearance" every hour or two for a few minutes to give hellos and hugs and chat a bit.
Rewards don't mean anything to her, so it's hard to find anything to motivate her. She is invited to go on outings everytime they/we go somewhere, but she mostly says "no thank you". Again, she is perfectly content.I would guess she is emotionally about 15. SHe reads "50 shades of grey" series (ugh--her mom buys her these books, which I totally disagree with---but as her dad says "she is an adult"), watches tons of TV in her room in addition to computer.She is allowed to drink if she wants, because she is over 21 and her dad wants to treat her like a normal adult-but luckily she does not like alcohol.
Does anyone have a adult child like this and was there ever a point where the child gets tired of the isolation and self-motivate to move out or do something productive? I am assuming that without intervention (which won't happen because she doesn't want it), she will probably remain this way now for life?

TBH, While I have seen many posts from people with similar issues as yours (from both bio and step parents) I cannot recall seeing any follow-up post reporting success. That may be a function of the fact that people tend to come on this site when they have issues and not after they solve them. In addition this sub-board tends to be populated by a much greater number of parents of school-aged children rather than parents of children who have aged out. I don't know if you will get the kind of response you specifically want from the audience you are targeting.

I also don't know what this means in terms of odds of success. There may be studies out there that have analyzed that, but I am not personally aware of those resources. I don't know if you are looking for odds, strategies, hope or some combination; but in terms of decision-making I would operate on the assumption that nothing will change other than possibly on the margins.

yes

I think not being her mother complicates things also a bit,
but at that age you can't really parent, and you shouldn't do that here

I found it also hard when its father who doesn't mind her staying in this situation

please don't assume , especially longterm, nothing ever stays the same

Researching some more about demand avoidance might give some clues,
likely they enjoy things better if they can master the situation
but flight these when they don't see the expectations or steps clearly.
Everything needs to be explained thoroughly, even if there's obvious desinterst, treat her like an adult while remembering she doesn't master the basics in what seems obvious to you.

Talk about your own experiences at that age, your fears or what helped you go through things (at that age), or
other peoples stories, (eg grandparents) , ideal dinnerconversations for the whole family, which enrichens the childrens viewpoints to the world and life.

This might be a terrible idea, but just in case. Does your daughter love animals? Do you think she will be excited with the idea of taking care of a small breed puppy? From what I have read, ASD people tend to connect with animals, as it is in my case. Once she gets the dog, she will want to buy toys for her baby, she will want to walk and play with her dog every day, and she might even join group obedience training classes for the sake of her dog.

Obviously she can't really fully take care of a puppy without OP and her family's help at least initially, but as long as she connects with the dog, the dog will help opening her world for her. The ONLY reason I am able to stick with my exercise plan is my german shepherd puppy... She needs to walk me every day!

No, she doesn't care for animals- has no interest at all in them. They have some cats and she is indifferent to them for the most part.

Yes, I guess I do need to find a message board or support group for parents with spectrum kids over 18. If anyone knows of anything, please let me know. It seems as if these kids just disappear.

Maybe they are all in their parents basements....in their rooms! LOL

Asperger Parents: https://www.facebook.com/groups/244321327583/?ref=br_rs
Asperger's & Autism Parent Support Network: https://www.facebook.com/groups/4811633 ... ?ref=br_rs
ASD Parent Connection: https://www.facebook.com/groups/5173985 ... ?ref=br_rs
ASD Parents Getaways and Breaks: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2711673 ... ?ref=br_rs
ASD Warrior Parents: https://www.facebook.com/groups/4026677 ... ?ref=br_rs

Disclaimer: I am not in any of the group nor do I know anyone in any of the group, but they may be able to help you. Good luck.

My friend did.

When her son was 16 (and obviously wasn't going to survive college due to social skills and executive functioning issues), they told him at 18 he would have his own place. This was brought up at the IEP meetings, so everyone knew what was on the table.

He turned 18, and in July he was moved into his own little studio apartment by a community college. The son was not happy, didn't want to leave home, and had a few melt downs.

He could...

Leave on his own...
Stay in the apartment with tons of scaffolding from parents/help.
Parents file for guardianship, and he goes into the Easter Seal program (which is like what the studio apartment deal was).

There was no coming back home, because this kid just was unable to motivate with mom and dad around 24/7.

The parents had a 10 year plan of slowly pulling back support, in 10 years he had to show he had the minimal skills to take of himself and a home. (The drop dead age for the parents was age 30).

He finally got his wings around age 23. Had a small job, could reasonably keep track of what had to be done. Got his BS degree at age 29. He is working in the science field, and life hasn't always been bump free, but he's doing it.

It may seem hard core, but their son would have been happily lived in their basement playing video games and eating ramen until his parents died. With him you couldn't do gentle pushes, it had to be all laid out on the table.

It was more an expensive of time at the beginning, than actual money. It was cheaper to get him his own place, than to ship him off to college at 18. The parents had a big support system that the son had to okay.

Is this for everyone? No. Why it worked was everyone wanted this young man to succeed. Had they just "waited", nothing would have happened because of the lovely ADHD/ASD crap executive functioning skills. Special interests would make him move his ass. Activities of daily living-not so much. Lol....

All the people I know who have ASD kids that couldn't handle life after high school, gave a harder push with an ocean liner worth of support and help to get them moving on to adulthood. Because you don't want 10 years of resentment building up until you threaten to evict the child.

Another reason, is you hope the siblings help out after you are gone. Not all do. Like the two families who dumped their adult Aspies into my hospital ER lobby and left. Legally they could do that. No one had guardianship. The men weren't on SSI. The sibs were like f*ck this sh*t, and left them. Lots of fun trying to find a placement for two 50+ year old men with all the daily living skills of a 10 year old.

I wouldn't hold my breath for a big revelation, but who knows? I would get a trust set up so this young woman isn't thrown to the wolves when you pass on. At least you'll have the peace of mind she won't be trundle off to an ER/police station/homeless shelter before your head stone is in place. Many families tell you what you want to hear, so don't believe it. Make all your wishes legal and bullet proof.