Suffocating feeling of isolation?
15 May 2017, 9:29 pm
TheWalrys435 wrote:
Tom Parker wrote:
TheWalrys435 wrote:
Tom Parker wrote:
I feel it too. My interests in jazz, philosophy and literature make it very difficult to talk to people and I have no friends.
Do you ever feel too cerebral and intellectual for your NT counterparts? Do you find that their conversations seem almost childlike in some ways and they seem content to live their lives replete with ignorant thoughts and ideas? It's like they don't take the time to actually learn the subtleties and nuances of their own stated beliefs. Often, they don't know about the politics they support or are against. They're just adamant about them. They don't understand why you don't like a fictional story if it doesn't make sense. They like music that is soulless and lacks any kind of artistic purpose. I so do not understand the NTs.
Yes, I do feel that way though I have met a few NTs who weren't like that entirely. It's very frustrating that when I do try to discuss any issue beyond its superficial elements I'm accused of not listening to them or they'll think that I'm trying to be smart. "They're just adamant about them", that's the worst part really; they expect me to be open-minded to other perspectives and beliefs on socialising but those same NTs can be the most parochial and intransigent people when espousing their own unquestioned ideas.
I'm just gonna give you my two cents on this issue. Obviously, we're all different people and we'll encounter different people in our lives. So it's not like what I'm gonna say here is set in stone, but I have to admit that it's my belief that people pretty much are the same all over. I we think aspies might be the smallest social minority group on the planet. You sound like me a lot when I was your age and I had no one to help/guide me in any way, shape, form or size. My parents broke up when I was 12 and I never saw much of my father after that. Ironically, he is one of only two people I ever have actually spoken about my Asperger's with. This was only about a year before he died. Surprisingly, he told me that he had it and told me some things about it. I was kind of shocked but it all made sense. Also, the genetic component in it explained me to myself a lot...coupled with the fact that my father is the only person in my life I can ever say I actually related to. We had an understanding when we conversed. There was something innate about the way we perceive the world and it's all logic based and rigid thinking.
This all has a point. See, he passed away at 68. I'm 40. And both of us have never overcame our difficulties in dealing with the NTs and I believe without any doubt, that Asperger's is the main reason for our social difficulties.
I've been talking about an issue in a number of my posts lately. It has to do with accepting the fact that we will never be like them. Ever. I don't mean that that has to be a horrible thing or that your life is likely condemned. I don't mean that at all. But what I believe is that because our brains our built differently on a physiological level, we will never interpret the world in the same way and it is unrealistic to expect them to ever concern themselves with our abnormality. At the age of 40, which must seem like a dinosaur to you, I have again experienced a massive social failure because I made the mistake of forgetting that I'm an aspie. I placed too much trust in the ability of NTs to comprehend and be concerned with my different sensibility.
The reason I'm saying all this is just to offer my life as an example of what not to do. Take it for what it's worth brother. I'm not trying to be your dad or anything. But, although it might be painful to accept that you are a different type of person, the sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be. You can build meaningful relationships with the NTs and even marry one (keep in mind that an aspie has about a 50% chance of producing a child with Aspergers). But when interacting with and communicating with them, chances are, they're not going to be like you and they will likely not understand the core interests and values that you may hold dear.
I've come to consider this way of social life my only answer to survive in their world without being any further damaged by my difference. I try to appreciate every person and accept them for what they are whilst knowing that they will probably not reciprocate when it all comes down to it. It hurts. It hurts all the time. I'm a social creature that wants to be loved and accepted. It's just not often in the cards, not like other people anyway. So to avoid the hurt of losing what little I can build, I give everyone as much space as they seem to want. Even if it means that weird and sudden silence that happens...when someone just cuts you off and out of their life and you have no idea why. They don't answer calls or texts. Don't respond to social media. It's like you're just dead to them.
It's life for us. It's hell. But trying to force yourself into the lives of the NTs will fail every single time, and they will never conform to your needs. I know it's a heavy bag I've thrown down. I don't know. Just try to help somebody else from learning the hard way. Long story short, the feelings you're having don't change as you get older. They're not for me at 40, they weren't for me at 17...and they weren't for my old man at 68.
Not only accepting your feelings, but also being patient and slow with your feelings. Being slow can be a gift. There is a saying that being slow and patient with your emotions and feelings makes you a more comfortable person to be around with, and to me that is the truth, especially around neurotypicals.
15 May 2017, 11:19 pm
ZachGoodwin wrote:
TheWalrys435 wrote:
Tom Parker wrote:
TheWalrys435 wrote:
Tom Parker wrote:
I feel it too. My interests in jazz, philosophy and literature make it very difficult to talk to people and I have no friends.
Do you ever feel too cerebral and intellectual for your NT counterparts? Do you find that their conversations seem almost childlike in some ways and they seem content to live their lives replete with ignorant thoughts and ideas? It's like they don't take the time to actually learn the subtleties and nuances of their own stated beliefs. Often, they don't know about the politics they support or are against. They're just adamant about them. They don't understand why you don't like a fictional story if it doesn't make sense. They like music that is soulless and lacks any kind of artistic purpose. I so do not understand the NTs.
Yes, I do feel that way though I have met a few NTs who weren't like that entirely. It's very frustrating that when I do try to discuss any issue beyond its superficial elements I'm accused of not listening to them or they'll think that I'm trying to be smart. "They're just adamant about them", that's the worst part really; they expect me to be open-minded to other perspectives and beliefs on socialising but those same NTs can be the most parochial and intransigent people when espousing their own unquestioned ideas.
I'm just gonna give you my two cents on this issue. Obviously, we're all different people and we'll encounter different people in our lives. So it's not like what I'm gonna say here is set in stone, but I have to admit that it's my belief that people pretty much are the same all over. I we think aspies might be the smallest social minority group on the planet. You sound like me a lot when I was your age and I had no one to help/guide me in any way, shape, form or size. My parents broke up when I was 12 and I never saw much of my father after that. Ironically, he is one of only two people I ever have actually spoken about my Asperger's with. This was only about a year before he died. Surprisingly, he told me that he had it and told me some things about it. I was kind of shocked but it all made sense. Also, the genetic component in it explained me to myself a lot...coupled with the fact that my father is the only person in my life I can ever say I actually related to. We had an understanding when we conversed. There was something innate about the way we perceive the world and it's all logic based and rigid thinking.
This all has a point. See, he passed away at 68. I'm 40. And both of us have never overcame our difficulties in dealing with the NTs and I believe without any doubt, that Asperger's is the main reason for our social difficulties.
I've been talking about an issue in a number of my posts lately. It has to do with accepting the fact that we will never be like them. Ever. I don't mean that that has to be a horrible thing or that your life is likely condemned. I don't mean that at all. But what I believe is that because our brains our built differently on a physiological level, we will never interpret the world in the same way and it is unrealistic to expect them to ever concern themselves with our abnormality. At the age of 40, which must seem like a dinosaur to you, I have again experienced a massive social failure because I made the mistake of forgetting that I'm an aspie. I placed too much trust in the ability of NTs to comprehend and be concerned with my different sensibility.
The reason I'm saying all this is just to offer my life as an example of what not to do. Take it for what it's worth brother. I'm not trying to be your dad or anything. But, although it might be painful to accept that you are a different type of person, the sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be. You can build meaningful relationships with the NTs and even marry one (keep in mind that an aspie has about a 50% chance of producing a child with Aspergers). But when interacting with and communicating with them, chances are, they're not going to be like you and they will likely not understand the core interests and values that you may hold dear.
I've come to consider this way of social life my only answer to survive in their world without being any further damaged by my difference. I try to appreciate every person and accept them for what they are whilst knowing that they will probably not reciprocate when it all comes down to it. It hurts. It hurts all the time. I'm a social creature that wants to be loved and accepted. It's just not often in the cards, not like other people anyway. So to avoid the hurt of losing what little I can build, I give everyone as much space as they seem to want. Even if it means that weird and sudden silence that happens...when someone just cuts you off and out of their life and you have no idea why. They don't answer calls or texts. Don't respond to social media. It's like you're just dead to them.
It's life for us. It's hell. But trying to force yourself into the lives of the NTs will fail every single time, and they will never conform to your needs. I know it's a heavy bag I've thrown down. I don't know. Just try to help somebody else from learning the hard way. Long story short, the feelings you're having don't change as you get older. They're not for me at 40, they weren't for me at 17...and they weren't for my old man at 68.
Not only accepting your feelings, but also being patient and slow with your feelings. Being slow can be a gift. There is a saying that being slow and patient with your emotions and feelings makes you a more comfortable person to be around with, and to me that is the truth, especially around neurotypicals.
Good point Zach. I'm still trying to find a nice, easy, slow pace spiritually. Like many aspies, it's when I get flustered with many things happening at once that I make my greatest mistakes.
20 May 2017, 6:41 pm
ZachGoodwin wrote:
Not only accepting your feelings, but also being patient and slow with your feelings. Being slow can be a gift. There is a saying that being slow and patient with your emotions and feelings makes you a more comfortable person to be around with, and to me that is the truth, especially around neurotypicals.
That's a great saying to remember! I have a big tendency to not be patient and slow with my emotions and feelings. This often results in me acting or feeling like a nervous wreck.
20 May 2017, 10:01 pm
yes, for a long time i have felt likewise.
precious little "most people" do not accept, much less respect me. and they act like they are perfect and that i have a moral obligation to accept them.
when i do or say something they do not like, they say "why?". as if there are good and bad reasons. but whatever reason i give them, they tell me it's a bad reason.
when i do or say something they like, they say "cool". how judgmental. a positive judgment is just as judgmental as a negative one.
but of course, anyone can say anything, and it is legal. unless, of course, it is lying under oath, or something like that.
but it's also illegal to take dogs off leash, unless it's an off leash area. and then what? last year a dog bit me. scared me so badly that for weeks afterward, anything that looked or sounded remotely like a dog, i mistook for a dog. almost started getting panic attacks. heart attack. but the dog's owner just sat there, like some innocent little boy. like he did nothing wrong. and the dog is just a dog.
and then precious lil "people" act like every thought or emotion they have is the latest greatest scientific invention. they enthusiastically share all their thoughts and emotions within 10 seconds of occurance. but when i say something, they misunderstand, mishear, half listen. then they have the nerve to grunt "huh" "what" "eh" "ha" and "hm" as if they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me."
precious little "most people" drive like they are absolutely important little heroines, going to successfully risk their lives to save someone else. they drive like they are constantly in a hurry to do work of objective importance. urgent.
precious little "most people" find it necessary to make a phone call whenever they have the slightest little thought or emotion.
seriously. i. hate. precious. little "most people".
20 May 2017, 11:43 pm
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
yes, for a long time i have felt likewise.
precious little "most people" do not accept, much less respect me. and they act like they are perfect and that i have a moral obligation to accept them.
when i do or say something they do not like, they say "why?". as if there are good and bad reasons. but whatever reason i give them, they tell me it's a bad reason.
when i do or say something they like, they say "cool". how judgmental. a positive judgment is just as judgmental as a negative one.
but of course, anyone can say anything, and it is legal. unless, of course, it is lying under oath, or something like that.
but it's also illegal to take dogs off leash, unless it's an off leash area. and then what? last year a dog bit me. scared me so badly that for weeks afterward, anything that looked or sounded remotely like a dog, i mistook for a dog. almost started getting panic attacks. heart attack. but the dog's owner just sat there, like some innocent little boy. like he did nothing wrong. and the dog is just a dog.
and then precious lil "people" act like every thought or emotion they have is the latest greatest scientific invention. they enthusiastically share all their thoughts and emotions within 10 seconds of occurance. but when i say something, they misunderstand, mishear, half listen. then they have the nerve to grunt "huh" "what" "eh" "ha" and "hm" as if they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me."
precious little "most people" drive like they are absolutely important little heroines, going to successfully risk their lives to save someone else. they drive like they are constantly in a hurry to do work of objective importance. urgent.
precious little "most people" find it necessary to make a phone call whenever they have the slightest little thought or emotion.
seriously. i. hate. precious. little "most people".
precious little "most people" do not accept, much less respect me. and they act like they are perfect and that i have a moral obligation to accept them.
when i do or say something they do not like, they say "why?". as if there are good and bad reasons. but whatever reason i give them, they tell me it's a bad reason.
when i do or say something they like, they say "cool". how judgmental. a positive judgment is just as judgmental as a negative one.
but of course, anyone can say anything, and it is legal. unless, of course, it is lying under oath, or something like that.
but it's also illegal to take dogs off leash, unless it's an off leash area. and then what? last year a dog bit me. scared me so badly that for weeks afterward, anything that looked or sounded remotely like a dog, i mistook for a dog. almost started getting panic attacks. heart attack. but the dog's owner just sat there, like some innocent little boy. like he did nothing wrong. and the dog is just a dog.
and then precious lil "people" act like every thought or emotion they have is the latest greatest scientific invention. they enthusiastically share all their thoughts and emotions within 10 seconds of occurance. but when i say something, they misunderstand, mishear, half listen. then they have the nerve to grunt "huh" "what" "eh" "ha" and "hm" as if they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me."
precious little "most people" drive like they are absolutely important little heroines, going to successfully risk their lives to save someone else. they drive like they are constantly in a hurry to do work of objective importance. urgent.
precious little "most people" find it necessary to make a phone call whenever they have the slightest little thought or emotion.
seriously. i. hate. precious. little "most people".
You don't have the right attitude for solving your problem. I often feel the same way. Sometimes I also think that nobody understands me or cares about me. But we have to make people understand us or care about us. We can solve our own problems with or without the help of other people. Just feeling sorry for ourselves or getting too emotional won't solve a damn thing. I should know. Lately, I've been acting and feeling really emotional, especially about a personal social problem that I've been having. However, I've been trying to tell myself to listen to the voice of reason rather than the voice of emotion. I don't always listen to myself, but this is the only way that I can get through and hopefully successfully solve my problem.
21 May 2017, 10:40 pm
EzraS wrote:
I'm very fortunate in that I thrive on solitude. The less contact that I have with others the better. Not that I hate people. I just feel more tranquility in solitude.
Well I like and even need my alone time too sometimes. And I don't like forcing myself to be around people just for the sake of being around others. However, on the whole, I would much prefer to spend time with people whom I really like, especially close friends. Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends right now. But I'm working to try to get more friends, especially close friends. I really want one or more close friends whom I could spend all day with talking, doing fun things, and just having a good time. A suffocating feeling of isolation isn't emotionally healthy, even if it allows you a lot of time with your thoughts. Because spending too much time with your thoughts can breed resentment, anger, sadness, and even unhealthy fantasies. We need to be in the real world with real people.
21 May 2017, 11:26 pm
futuresoldier1944 wrote:
EzraS wrote:
I'm very fortunate in that I thrive on solitude. The less contact that I have with others the better. Not that I hate people. I just feel more tranquility in solitude.
Well I like and even need my alone time too sometimes. And I don't like forcing myself to be around people just for the sake of being around others. However, on the whole, I would much prefer to spend time with people whom I really like, especially close friends. Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends right now. But I'm working to try to get more friends, especially close friends. I really want one or more close friends whom I could spend all day with talking, doing fun things, and just having a good time. A suffocating feeling of isolation isn't emotionally healthy, even if it allows you a lot of time with your thoughts. Because spending too much time with your thoughts can breed resentment, anger, sadness, and even unhealthy fantasies. We need to be in the real world with real people.
I'm with you on this one soldier. I don't like being around other people just to be around other people like so many people do. I only feel like I can completely be myself when I'm...by myself.
But I also understand the negative effects of isolation...and it does cause horrible feelings. I've felt the pain, resentment and anger that come from dwelling on the way my life has worked out. When you're alone too much, It's easy to think in such a destructive and unhealthy way about how people weren't there for you, betrayed you and God forbid, what they think about you now. It creates such a negative cycle of being bitter all the time. It's also easy voice that hurt to former friends or whoever in inappropriate ways that only make your life worse and sever any ties that you might have still had with the person/persons in question.
I think most aspies enjoy our "alone" time more than NTs, but even for us, too much of it is a bad thing. I know from experience.
21 May 2017, 11:58 pm
TheWalrys435 wrote:
futuresoldier1944 wrote:
EzraS wrote:
I'm very fortunate in that I thrive on solitude. The less contact that I have with others the better. Not that I hate people. I just feel more tranquility in solitude.
Well I like and even need my alone time too sometimes. And I don't like forcing myself to be around people just for the sake of being around others. However, on the whole, I would much prefer to spend time with people whom I really like, especially close friends. Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends right now. But I'm working to try to get more friends, especially close friends. I really want one or more close friends whom I could spend all day with talking, doing fun things, and just having a good time. A suffocating feeling of isolation isn't emotionally healthy, even if it allows you a lot of time with your thoughts. Because spending too much time with your thoughts can breed resentment, anger, sadness, and even unhealthy fantasies. We need to be in the real world with real people.
I'm with you on this one soldier. I don't like being around other people just to be around other people like so many people do. I only feel like I can completely be myself when I'm...by myself.
But I also understand the negative effects of isolation...and it does cause horrible feelings. I've felt the pain, resentment and anger that come from dwelling on the way my life has worked out. When you're alone too much, It's easy to think in such a destructive and unhealthy way about how people weren't there for you, betrayed you and God forbid, what they think about you now. It creates such a negative cycle of being bitter all the time. It's also easy voice that hurt to former friends or whoever in inappropriate ways that only make your life worse and sever any ties that you might have still had with the person/persons in question.
I think most aspies enjoy our "alone" time more than NTs, but even for us, too much of it is a bad thing. I know from experience.
I definitely enjoy my alone time. But I would give anything to not be alone. I would give anything to have a friend or friends whom I could open up to, whom would open up to me, and whom I could have intense shared experiences with. I don't have those friends now, but I hope to in the near future.
22 May 2017, 1:17 am
TheWalrys, I've had many similar thoughts..
I've listened to your song and see what you mean. The lyrics and music are quite sad, and I actually like it a bit despite the vocals not being to my exact liking. It reminds me of a song lyric that always stood out to me. "Everyone I've loved- or hated- always seems to leave." That all relationships are temporary, the good and the bad.
I have a lot of the issues that you guys are talking about, but much of it stems from intense anxiety that makes it difficult to speak with people. Every interaction means a lot more to me than it does with the person i am interacting with and I know I am placing more thought and emotion into most interactions because the interactions are more infrequent and intense for me. Then looking back on all of it, it is depressing to know how small I am in everyone else's world.
I know most people are not the introspective thinkers, and their lives look easy and sometimes shallow, but I still long for interaction. As I grow more depressed and lonely, I lose mental clarity and interest in life. Their lives begin to look richer. I come home, sit, cry. I feel like doing nothing. I need to remind myself that I have always looked for the oddities and answers. I sometimes think I chose this life.
22 May 2017, 1:34 am
I've literally spent the past 8 months or so mostly fantasizing about hugging (and no, that's not code-word for anything else) one particular person who pays attention to me occasionally, someone I'm attracted to but can't even manage speaking more than a few words to most days. And because he is the most social, outgoing person, he'll come see me just to get me to smile sometimes.
I haven't had a friend in person since I was ten. 
I feel terrified of him. :/
I am going to try speaking to people more, but i am afraid of how I'll come off. Probably too strongly. I don't care anymore.
22 May 2017, 3:04 am
I feel it too. I'm unable to connect with anyone at my university, even though it should theoretically be easier here. I start conversations sometimes, and they never go anywhere. It's only gotten worse. My only real friends were from gradeschool; everything else has been artificial and transient since then. I never see the people I've met here that I could be friends with. Some share my interests, but even that doesn't help. Solitude is important, but I've learned that it can't be permanent and uninterrupted, at least for me.
Okay, now that I've expunged all that, I feel better. It's a cliche, but detailing one's problems helps. I hope you also can find some relief.
_________________
"As buds give rise by growth to fresh buds...so by generation I believe it has been with the great Tree of Life, which fills with its dead and broken branches the crust of the earth, and covers the surface with its ever branching and beautiful ramifications." - Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species
22 May 2017, 6:20 am
Seibelin wrote:
TheWalrys, I've had many similar thoughts..
I've listened to your song and see what you mean. The lyrics and music are quite sad, and I actually like it a bit despite the vocals not being to my exact liking. It reminds me of a song lyric that always stood out to me. "Everyone I've loved- or hated- always seems to leave." That all relationships are temporary, the good and the bad.
I have a lot of the issues that you guys are talking about, but much of it stems from intense anxiety that makes it difficult to speak with people. Every interaction means a lot more to me than it does with the person i am interacting with and I know I am placing more thought and emotion into most interactions because the interactions are more infrequent and intense for me. Then looking back on all of it, it is depressing to know how small I am in everyone else's world.
I know most people are not the introspective thinkers, and their lives look easy and sometimes shallow, but I still long for interaction. As I grow more depressed and lonely, I lose mental clarity and interest in life. Their lives begin to look richer. I come home, sit, cry. I feel like doing nothing. I need to remind myself that I have always looked for the oddities and answers. I sometimes think I chose this life.
I've listened to your song and see what you mean. The lyrics and music are quite sad, and I actually like it a bit despite the vocals not being to my exact liking. It reminds me of a song lyric that always stood out to me. "Everyone I've loved- or hated- always seems to leave." That all relationships are temporary, the good and the bad.
I have a lot of the issues that you guys are talking about, but much of it stems from intense anxiety that makes it difficult to speak with people. Every interaction means a lot more to me than it does with the person i am interacting with and I know I am placing more thought and emotion into most interactions because the interactions are more infrequent and intense for me. Then looking back on all of it, it is depressing to know how small I am in everyone else's world.
I know most people are not the introspective thinkers, and their lives look easy and sometimes shallow, but I still long for interaction. As I grow more depressed and lonely, I lose mental clarity and interest in life. Their lives begin to look richer. I come home, sit, cry. I feel like doing nothing. I need to remind myself that I have always looked for the oddities and answers. I sometimes think I chose this life.
Just like with you, social interactions tend to mean a lot more to me than it does to the people who I'm interacting with. This is especially the case if I really like the people in question and would want to be their friend. And just like with you, these kinds of intense social interactions are unfortunately relatively infrequent for me. I also really wish that I was a big part of the life of somebody outside of my family. I wish that I was somebody's close friend or even best friend. All of this also makes me depressed and even alienated. I really don't know what to do. I guess I just need to take some risks and be more socially assertive in order to get one or more close friends and a girlfriend too.
22 May 2017, 6:25 am
Seibelin wrote:
I've literally spent the past 8 months or so mostly fantasizing about hugging (and no, that's not code-word for anything else) one particular person who pays attention to me occasionally, someone I'm attracted to but can't even manage speaking more than a few words to most days. And because he is the most social, outgoing person, he'll come see me just to get me to smile sometimes.
I haven't had a friend in person since I was ten. I feel terrified of him. :/
I am going to try speaking to people more, but i am afraid of how I'll come off. Probably too strongly. I don't care anymore.
I haven't had a friend in person since I was ten.
I feel terrified of him. :/I am going to try speaking to people more, but i am afraid of how I'll come off. Probably too strongly. I don't care anymore.
I do a lot of fantasizing about other people too. Some of it healthy and some of it unhealthy. However, fantasizing about other people may be the only thing that keeps me sane until I'm able to find close friends and a girlfriend. Unfortunately, too much fantasizing could keep me from really getting out in the real world and interacting with real people.
People like us always have to worry how we'll come across when we try to be more socially assertive. I have the tendency to come on too strong whenever I try to be more socially assertive, which sometimes turns people off. Yes, it's unintentional on our part, but other people don't always understand or care.
22 May 2017, 4:55 pm
Seibelin wrote:
TheWalrys, I've had many similar thoughts..
I've listened to your song and see what you mean. The lyrics and music are quite sad, and I actually like it a bit despite the vocals not being to my exact liking. It reminds me of a song lyric that always stood out to me. "Everyone I've loved- or hated- always seems to leave." That all relationships are temporary, the good and the bad.
I have a lot of the issues that you guys are talking about, but much of it stems from intense anxiety that makes it difficult to speak with people. Every interaction means a lot more to me than it does with the person i am interacting with and I know I am placing more thought and emotion into most interactions because the interactions are more infrequent and intense for me. Then looking back on all of it, it is depressing to know how small I am in everyone else's world.
I know most people are not the introspective thinkers, and their lives look easy and sometimes shallow, but I still long for interaction. As I grow more depressed and lonely, I lose mental clarity and interest in life. Their lives begin to look richer. I come home, sit, cry. I feel like doing nothing. I need to remind myself that I have always looked for the oddities and answers. I sometimes think I chose this life.
I've listened to your song and see what you mean. The lyrics and music are quite sad, and I actually like it a bit despite the vocals not being to my exact liking. It reminds me of a song lyric that always stood out to me. "Everyone I've loved- or hated- always seems to leave." That all relationships are temporary, the good and the bad.
I have a lot of the issues that you guys are talking about, but much of it stems from intense anxiety that makes it difficult to speak with people. Every interaction means a lot more to me than it does with the person i am interacting with and I know I am placing more thought and emotion into most interactions because the interactions are more infrequent and intense for me. Then looking back on all of it, it is depressing to know how small I am in everyone else's world.
I know most people are not the introspective thinkers, and their lives look easy and sometimes shallow, but I still long for interaction. As I grow more depressed and lonely, I lose mental clarity and interest in life. Their lives begin to look richer. I come home, sit, cry. I feel like doing nothing. I need to remind myself that I have always looked for the oddities and answers. I sometimes think I chose this life.
Wow Siebelin, you hit an interesting note on the head. That way that we as aspies might tend to dwell on individual social interactions far more than "normal" people...and yeah, it may be due to a far lesser number. But I'll due that a lot too, especially when I find the other person to be acting odd or indifferent to me after the last time I had saw them. I start wondering, "what did I do wrong? How did I offend the person? What did I misunderstand? Am I making too much of this?"
I'm glad you listened to the song though. That tune just blows my mind. And the guitar solo that comprises the last half of the song just sounds like my soul's pain. There's like a dignified and slow hurt throughout the solo. Just gets me every time. One thing though, you said that you sometimes feel like you choose this life yourself. I'm not sure if I can relate or not. Sometimes I avoid social gatherings because of aspie issues. It's usually when I know the group of people who are going to be there and I just don't want to be around a bunch of people who I know don't accept me. So I'd rather just be alone. But in the long run, I do try to be a lot more social than my life would suggest. People just suck so much.
My closest "friend" is a guy I've been friends with for 17 years. But he's such an as*hole, that he just ignores texts random. He's so freak'in weird, that we'll hang out one day for hours...then he just ignores anything I send or attempt to communicate. The guys got something. Some kind of social disease. Not aspergers but something else.
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