Suffocating feeling of isolation?

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I feel in a bad way today. I can't get it off me, I've been failing to make any real connectIon to someone for so long.

It makes me so restless I can't function properly. I feel panicked by it.

I'm going through the same thing right now, man. I've kind of made this new friend. He's a guy about my age who shares my career interests. In fact, we met through an online forum about our shared career interests. The guy eventually insisted that we meet, even though I was really hesitant to do so at first. But we did meet and we had an absolutely awesome four hours hanging out together. He was so nice and friendly towards me. He even said that I have another friend in him. I seemed to really click with him. We then hung out a second time the next week for over two hours.

Unfortunately, my Asperger's-related behavior has scared him off for now. And it was all behavior of mine in electronic communications. I'm trying to make up with him, but it's been very difficult to do so. But the issue is that if I can't stay friends with a guy who insisted that we meet and who was as nice as he could be the first time we met, then I don't know how I could ever stay in another close friendship or romantic relationship.

My Asperger's usually keeps me from initiating social contact and from being aggressive and assertive socially. But in this case, my new friend initiated our meeting and in a very assertive manner. And so I felt comfortable being socially assertive towards him, but it turned out to be that I was too assertive.

If I'm not able to make up with my new friend, then I'm afraid that I'll continue to have this suffocating feeling of isolation and rejection. I fear that I might end up all alone. I've started feeling resentful towards my family as they are the only people whom I see and talk to on a regular basis. Now I've kind of made some other friends at this internship that I just completed and I'm staying in contact with them. However I didn't click with any of them the way that I did with this one friend. I really want to be friends with this guy and really believe that I have to. I believe that we were meant to meet and become friends.

The bell jar effect is one of the most painful aspects of being autistic, I suppose.

I find it very difficult to find people with similar interests, even online. I do have some friends who kinda like the same stuff as me, entertainment wise, but they're not FRIENDS friends, if you understand what I mean - that is, that they're not people I can open up to and be myself with. I lack the ability to really bond with a person and that means I never ever really get the chance to find people who actually like me for who I am. You're not wrong, it is absolutely crushing and soul destroying. Thing is though, I've gotten used to it, and that seems to be the worst part about it - it's so difficult to break that barrier that you stop trying incase people think you're weird
and clingy and you're burdening them with your emotional problems.

I try to be there for people as much as I can - my cynicism and feelings of isolation can make me difficult to approach sometimes though, and I'm the first to admit that.

I identify with you here, man. My new friend whom I was talking about in my first post is or could be one of those FRIENDS. As I mentioned, we have the same career interests. And after spending only four hours with him, I bonded with him and truly felt that he was somebody with whom I could open up to and be myself. However, after he got to know me a little and experienced first-hand my Asperger's related quirks and flaws, he obviously wasn't sure that he liked me for who I am. And this was all online, mind you. After our first four hour outing, we have only hung out in person one other time for over two hours. Both times that we hung out in person, I interacted with him "normally." If I'm not able to work things out with him, then I'm not sure that I will ever be able to bond with somebody else, whether in a friendship or in a romantic relationship.

Same with me. I can't really connect or relate to people. I feel like it's me, then the world, then other humans. It's very detached and isolating. I feel like I can relate to animals and even objects before I can people. I don't get mad at people, because I see them as inanimate and run by emotions and chance. It's like rolling a die for every person, they will either snap at you for no reason or be quiet and give you the silent treatment, or one of their other 4000 different scolding techniques. I'm constantly treated like s**t. It's draining and it really really hurts confidence.

I have friends, some really good, some not so good. I usually get approached by people but I have no way of telling if they're another cluster B wannabe who wants to come and manipulate because I come off as "absent minded" to them, or whether it's an actual good person.

Outside of my family, I have met ONE 1/2 good people in my life. There is one person right now who I can think of who is unconditionally good and accepting, and I am drawn to their personality. They are light thinkers, they never hurt others or insult or silence without reason, and they are completely non-confrontational, like me. The 1/2 is my other friend. He is quiet-ish, but he's conservative (I don't mean politically). What I mean is he has set values and rules and he never changes them. He attacks anyone who tries to confront him about his detrimental regime. I know it's common for people with ASD to have rigid plans and schedules but this guy doesn't have ASD, he's just anal.

Otherwise everyone else I know gives me a big middle finger at least 2-3 times a day. I think they're friends and all of a sudden they turn around and tell me to f**k off. Sometimes I see how they treat others and how they treat me, and I always find myself wondering what the hell I did to have EVERYONE treat me like horse s**t.

I feel like I'm not human. I'm just some entity with self awareness or a punching bag for people, cause they seem to think that's what I was made for.

I am really enjoying this thread. Not because I enjoy hearing about people suffering, but because it is comforting to know that other human beings in the world have the same difficulties I have. I've read over and over again about people with our condition going through this same painful way of life.
Speaking for myself, I can tell you that although I have a few friends and some truly loving family members, there is no one...not a single person who I can just genuinely be myself around. Even my own father found me to be odd and he couldn't really understand me, even though he was the person who I related to most in my life. Subsequently, when I told him that I believe I have aspergers, he revealed to me that he had it too. Anyway, the inability to bond with people is a unique and terrible condition that I don't think the NTs could really understand. It stinks to always be the odd person to everyone you meet. What really hurts is when you think you're close with a person, and then you see them interacting with other people and realize that you're not as close as you thought because of the nature of the other relationship, and then if it's even worse, you might realize that they too, think of you as an oddity of sorts.
Normal people just can't understand how devastating it is to not be able to relate and/or bond with others. It prevents you from everything that is a normal life. You don't make friends and form the same social networks. You don't get the promotion or acceptance at work because your boss and coworkers think you're strange and/or slow. And you might not even be able to find a spouse or build a normal long term relationship because your would be partner finds you as odd as everyone else and leaves you.
This devastated our ability to live a good life or even be human like other people. I don't have an answer guys. I don't have a solution. I'm 40 years old and have come to the conclusion that this is simply what my life is. I can't expect people to ever change anything about themselves for me. I'm still at this point trying to form a way of living without being so hurt all the time by people's apathy toward me. Truth is, this frustration often turns to anger. I try and try, it builds up and up, and eventually I blow up, act completely out of character and voice my frustrations. Typical aspie trait, I over share details of my unfortunate life and then...people who just thought I was weird, then think I'm troubled. Now they stay away even more. Often, they just drop me all together. And that's just the people who even tolerate me in a way. One especially sad reality for me is that, the loneliness and the pain are actually intensifying with age. By now, rather than just looking at it as a difficult time in my life, I'm accepting that it simply IS my life.
I do all the things so many of us aspies do in an effort to connect with people. I always go above and beyond accommodating to people. I try so hard to be mindful of people and not say or do anything that could be deemed offensive. But still, people are just not interested in me. And so life goes on.
There's a song that comforts me a lot. Again, it's the misery loves company effect. The band is called King's X and the song is called, "sooner or later". You can listen to the song on YouTube. Just enter the title and band name in the search engine.
I'm not sure if the lead vocalist, Doug Pinnick has aspergers but the bands lyrics often deal with alienation and loneliness. The song, "sooner or later" kind of exemplifies what we're talking about here. The lyrics are so close to home that I could have written them myself. Sounds like you guys could have to.
I'd be interested in hearing anyone's thoughts about the song if you have a chance.

I can really relate to what you have said in this thread. I am 32, and for most of my life I have felt this way. There was a period around ages 13-16 when I had a group of friends who appreciated and accepted me for my quirks. But then in high school we drifted apart. Around that same time people started becoming more socially involved and I began feeling more left out.

I remember that my school had a bonfire activity one evening before graduation. I went to it and drifted around in the crowd of people and realized that I had been somehow left behind. I think that's when I really became conscious of the feeling, and it has stayed with me more or less ever since.

I have now pretty much accepted that this is how my life will be. I moved to a new (big) city and lived alone for two years, about four years ago now. For those two years I made one friend whom I saw maybe once per month. Otherwise, I was alone outside of work. I had a feeling of isolation underlying for most of the time. However, I managed to stay busy enough with my hobbies and interests that it never became overwhelming. One of those interests has now become my new career.

I find a lot of comfort from reading novels (mostly epic fantasy, but some other genres). I can feel like the characters are my friends. When I was a kid I had toys that I endowed with imaginary personalities, and they were my friends. I also find a lot of comfort from music. Also, if I can do meaningful work each day, it mostly blots out the feeling of isolation. I even feel connected to all of the other people who have been involved in the same kind of work. I am not talking about work done at a 9-5 job, but personal projects that capture my interest.

Recently, I have had a fun time at work, and people seemed to see me having fun and were drawn to me. It really felt good to have people seem interested in me. A few of them made efforts to connect outside of work. None of these efforts really stuck, which reminded me of the difficulties I have in connecting to people. But at this point, I was able to say "go figure" and move on. I don't mean that it didn't bother me, but I guess I have resigned myself to accepting this as the way things are.

Really enjoyed reading your post. It pretty much mirrors me. I started another discussion here on wrongplanet called, "Friendship was easier as a child". Same thing happened to me though. I was fairly popular as a grammer school student and even in junior high...then in high school when adulthood begins is when the downward spiral started. By the time I graduated from high school, I didn't have a single friend. And there were no dramatic fights or episodes. It's just a process that repeats over and over again. Metaphorically , it's like walking down a road side by side with a true friend. You walk at the same pace for awhile. Then your buddy starts slowing down and you're still moving forward. You notice you're getting too far ahead so you start to slow down but your friend tells you to keep moving, he'll catch up. Soon, you're 20 feet ahead and you turn again but he waves you forward and shouts, "I'll catch up." So you keep walking. You don't hear anything for awhile so you turn once more but this time, he's nowhere to be found. You're worried. Could something have happened to him? So you stop and go looking for him. Nothing. You tire yourself looking at and running in different directions. He must be in trouble. Something happened. Nothing else makes sense. Finally you hear voices so you follow them. And there, sitting at a table sipping a beer is your friend. He's sitting with a group of people you don't know. They all look so happy. Your friend in leaning back and having a great time. He's acting so insouciant in a way you've never seen. He's genuinely happy. You think maybe you should go over there and ask what happened. Maybe he texted ya to let you know he met some friends. Yeah, maybe your ringer isn't on. You sometimes forget to turn it back on after you went to the movies or something. You check your phone. There's no text message. You get the idea. You walk home alone.
That's pretty much how my relationships with people work. It's almost like, when an acquaintance becomes a friend with me...I should find an hourglass and turn it over. Because that's how any kind of relationship works for me. It's never a fight or anything ostensibly that I did or the other person did. It's just a gradual disinterest in my life. And eventually everyone goes away.
Something else you wrote though that stood out for me. You mentioned being at ease with some people you were at a party with...this is a danger zone for me because I've been in this place. They say aspies are not emotional and that we're apathetic. In my case, that is total BS. I am extremely emotional and very empathetic. (Also part of why I'm constantly devastated when people don't care back but that's beside the point) But here's the danger zone...I have experiences where I feel like I'm a part of a group of NTs. Naturally, I have my guard up because I know that people just find me strange. That can't be changed or fixed. My reaction to life is different from most people and that's permanent. But I still have the capacity to let this guard down and think I'm truly "one of them". I believe this is because like all of us, I really do want to be a person like other people. I don't like being an alien, I simply have no choice. But here's my point. If you're anything like me, and sure as heck sounds like you are, I would be mindful and careful to remember that although it feels great to be accepted like any normal person is in a group setting, remember that you're different and it can end badly if you forget that.
I'm not sure this is your case, I'm just saying is all because I've had horrible experiences with this and it hurts like hell. I went back to college night's a few years back and got close with a group of mostly younger people...obviously they're all NT and the majority were young women. I really cared about these folks but long story short, it ended badly. Anyway, here's the link to KING'S X "Sooner or Later"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYxHnbj08rQ

I have this feeling too. The past few months, I've tried very hard to meet new people and participate in social activities, even though I don't always feel like it. I talk to people but I never really form a connection with them and I haven't really made any new friends. I often end up with a feeling of disappointment after a social activity. It's very frustrating and I keep pondering on how people make friends and analyzing the way I've made friends in the past.

My social anxiety often prevents me from being spontaneous, I usually don't dare to make an attempt at a funny remark because I'm afraid it will be perceived as weird or inappropriate. I assume most people think I'm too serious or distant because of that.

Same here. What I find the most painful though, is when you discover that the people you met for the first time at the social gathering have started interacting with eachother and you're just not invited. I do the same thing with feeling apprehensive about speaking up or attempting humor because it's so often misunderstood or even considered rude...or they just look at you like you're weird and then start ignoring you. Sometimes they even start speaking whenever you try to say something almos as if they just don't want to hear whatever you had to say. This life is so difficult.

I feel it too. My interests in jazz, philosophy and literature make it very difficult to talk to people and I have no friends.

Do you ever feel too cerebral and intellectual for your NT counterparts? Do you find that their conversations seem almost childlike in some ways and they seem content to live their lives replete with ignorant thoughts and ideas? It's like they don't take the time to actually learn the subtleties and nuances of their own stated beliefs. Often, they don't know about the politics they support or are against. They're just adamant about them. They don't understand why you don't like a fictional story if it doesn't make sense. They like music that is soulless and lacks any kind of artistic purpose. I so do not understand the NTs.

Yes, I do feel that way though I have met a few NTs who weren't like that entirely. It's very frustrating that when I do try to discuss any issue beyond its superficial elements I'm accused of not listening to them or they'll think that I'm trying to be smart. "They're just adamant about them", that's the worst part really; they expect me to be open-minded to other perspectives and beliefs on socialising but those same NTs can be the most parochial and intransigent people when espousing their own unquestioned ideas.

I hope you are planning on university. It was for the most part the only part of my life when I connected with others at any sort of depth. University is a highly distilled population, i.e., the few NTs you mentioned who were different will be more of a majority. As difficult as university can be, it is like a breath of fresh air to the suffocating. At least it was for me. I wish the same for you.

I'm just gonna give you my two cents on this issue. Obviously, we're all different people and we'll encounter different people in our lives. So it's not like what I'm gonna say here is set in stone, but I have to admit that it's my belief that people pretty much are the same all over. I we think aspies might be the smallest social minority group on the planet. You sound like me a lot when I was your age and I had no one to help/guide me in any way, shape, form or size. My parents broke up when I was 12 and I never saw much of my father after that. Ironically, he is one of only two people I ever have actually spoken about my Asperger's with. This was only about a year before he died. Surprisingly, he told me that he had it and told me some things about it. I was kind of shocked but it all made sense. Also, the genetic component in it explained me to myself a lot...coupled with the fact that my father is the only person in my life I can ever say I actually related to. We had an understanding when we conversed. There was something innate about the way we perceive the world and it's all logic based and rigid thinking.
This all has a point. See, he passed away at 68. I'm 40. And both of us have never overcame our difficulties in dealing with the NTs and I believe without any doubt, that Asperger's is the main reason for our social difficulties.
I've been talking about an issue in a number of my posts lately. It has to do with accepting the fact that we will never be like them. Ever. I don't mean that that has to be a horrible thing or that your life is likely condemned. I don't mean that at all. But what I believe is that because our brains our built differently on a physiological level, we will never interpret the world in the same way and it is unrealistic to expect them to ever concern themselves with our abnormality. At the age of 40, which must seem like a dinosaur to you, I have again experienced a massive social failure because I made the mistake of forgetting that I'm an aspie. I placed too much trust in the ability of NTs to comprehend and be concerned with my different sensibility.
The reason I'm saying all this is just to offer my life as an example of what not to do. Take it for what it's worth brother. I'm not trying to be your dad or anything. But, although it might be painful to accept that you are a different type of person, the sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be. You can build meaningful relationships with the NTs and even marry one (keep in mind that an aspie has about a 50% chance of producing a child with Aspergers). But when interacting with and communicating with them, chances are, they're not going to be like you and they will likely not understand the core interests and values that you may hold dear.
I've come to consider this way of social life my only answer to survive in their world without being any further damaged by my difference. I try to appreciate every person and accept them for what they are whilst knowing that they will probably not reciprocate when it all comes down to it. It hurts. It hurts all the time. I'm a social creature that wants to be loved and accepted. It's just not often in the cards, not like other people anyway. So to avoid the hurt of losing what little I can build, I give everyone as much space as they seem to want. Even if it means that weird and sudden silence that happens...when someone just cuts you off and out of their life and you have no idea why. They don't answer calls or texts. Don't respond to social media. It's like you're just dead to them.
It's life for us. It's hell. But trying to force yourself into the lives of the NTs will fail every single time, and they will never conform to your needs. I know it's a heavy bag I've thrown down. I don't know. Just try to help somebody else from learning the hard way. Long story short, the feelings you're having don't change as you get older. They're not for me at 40, they weren't for me at 17...and they weren't for my old man at 68.

Not only accepting your feelings, but also being patient and slow with your feelings. Being slow can be a gift. There is a saying that being slow and patient with your emotions and feelings makes you a more comfortable person to be around with, and to me that is the truth, especially around neurotypicals.