My Son Is Trying To Ignore His Disability

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My 19 year old son has Asperger's Syndrome. Yesterday he told me that his solution is just to ignore it. It is possible that this can work for him? He was diagnosed at 5 years old. I've worked with the school district to make sure that he had all the supports he needed to be successful at school. Overall he had a good experience. Most of the students were kind and understanding to him. He made one friend of a student who is also on the spectrum.

He's just finishing his first year at a community college and has done well there. He talks to many students but doesn't see any of them outside of school. I worry that he spends too much time with my husband and myself during the evenings and weekends. In the hopes of helping him to have more of a social life with his peers, he's going to board at school for one semester next year. This will also help him to become more independent so that he'll be able to board at a 4 year college the following year.

My question is, "How can I help him to accept his disability and learn to cope with it rather than to just ignore it?

Sometimes, "ignore it" is a solution.

I've spent the past 10 years being constantly mindful of my disability. Constantly worrying how other people might see what I do or say, constantly thinking about how "normal" people would act or react, constantly worrying about whether I'm engaging in autistic obsession when doing something that interests me...

Frankly, I'm FRIED. Exhausted. I don't enjoy anything any more...

...until I decide to forget about autism for a day, a week, as long as I can, and just treat myself like I'm just a person.

Yeah, sooner or later I make a mistake that comes back to bite me-- offend someone, make myself misunderstood, talk too much, whatever. It's never going to go away. But it's nice, sometimes, to be just a person, and not afraid to get out of bed in the morning and live life like a person instead of having every breath be "coping with autism."

It gets extremely tiring. It's never going to go away, no matter how properly and commendably one copes. Sometimes, it's nice to just LIVE.

As an aside, it also improves one's chances of finding people with whom one can just be oneself, at least to some extent, instead of having to be constantly mindful to be "not-autism."

Going away for college will probably be a good experience for him, if this is something he can do because he in addition to independence and everything else this will enable him to have a more adult relationship with you, the parents.

As far as his social life goes, he may still opt for a hands-off acquaintanceship friendship model, where he is friendly with people but chooses not to do anything with people outside class. Or he may find people with common interests with whom he chooses to spend free time.

Part of growing up is figuring your stuff out, and it really is best done away from parents because while usually well-meaning, parents typically have a different view of what their adult kids should be doing, than what they want (or need) to be doing. Socialization may be something you want for him, that he wants/needs to do in a different way than what you think is good for him.

I really do give you kudos for encouraging his independence in a positive way.

Edited to ask: I realize I assumed that when you talked about coping, you meant socially, but did you mean he has not learned enough functional coping skills in terms of doing schoolwork or life skills or something like that? If so that is a different thing.

Imagine you are... I don't know... wearing glasses? I guess it could be a good metaphor.

Would it be easier for you to constantly think about the glasses so you don't accidentally break them. Focus if they fit well on your nose at al times, think what might happen if they fall down etc. or....
Put them on and forget they are there till they get dirty or you hit something and they move/break?

That's the choice your son has. He has to live with his disability so he can either focus on it and try to deal with all possible problems before they occur or live his life and only deal with problems when they actually occur.

First choice might be an saver option but it is mentally exhausting, can easily lead to depression and increases the symptoms (when you focus on symptoms of disability it feels stronger, just like any other pain or discomfort does).
Second opens door for more possible dangers but let's him live a happy everyday life.

"Ignoring" it doesn't mean he is in denial. He simply decided not to focus on it unless it causes any real problems. It also doesn't mean he will forget about his issues - he might just want to accept them as a part of who HE is, not as parts of his disability. Noone is perfect, you know? Everyone has some issues they have to deal with. Not liking some sounds or having introvert personality are not that unusual. There is no need to cover it with "It's because I have Asperger, That evil Asperger that's apparently destroying my life and making me inferior".

He is fine for now. Let him try. It's just Asperger. College is a good place for inteligent Aspies. Who knows? Maybe by attending the board school he will learn enough about socializing and being independent to not need much help anymore? There is a lot of adult aspies who do well in life.

Thanks so much for your responses. I've feeling very encouraged for my son. I never really thought about ignoring as an option. I do want my son to be himself. He's very funny and very genuinely sweet. That genuineness is what disarms people. He surprises them with his very unique perspective.

The coping that I'm thinking about does go beyond social interactions though. He has a very tough time with decisions, even very small ones. He worries about making the "wrong" decisions. He often times complains "Why does it have to be so complicated?" My latest tact has been to respond with "Well, what would be the worst thing that could happen?" I'm trying to help him to see that it's not that terrible to make a wrong decision. That he can learn from his mistakes. But this is a struggle for him.

It's not that he's thinking about a worst case scenario. I'm trying to suggest that I'd like to have him do that to see that it's not so terrible. These are simple decisions that cause him to just get stuck and not be able to move forward. These are generally little things like whether to wear jeans or shorts, or a long sleeved or short sleeved shirt. I want him to learn to assess the situation himself; check a weather website, step outside. When he's stuck I'll say "Well, what's the worst that will happen if you wear the wrong thing? You'll either feel a little chilly or a little warm. But you won't freeze to death or pass out from heat stroke. You're inside a building most of the time and it's not that far a walk from one building to another. If you're uncomfortable at a certain temperature with what you chose to wear, you'll wear something different the next time." In other words, "It's not that serious." But the problem is that it's serious to him and he has a tough time coping with these decisions.

Ah, OK, I misunderstood and thought he was perseversating on worst case scenarios. It won't work for new issues that crop up, but maybe he could develop a rule-based decision algorithm for some of these things.

If the temperature high is expected to be between x and y degrees then wear this. If temperature high is expected to be y-z wear this. He could add exceptions for rain and that kind of thing. Etc. If he has a rule system in place it may take some of the agonizing out of it.

Well he does do that for the most part with weather in Summer and Winter. It's some days in the Spring and Fall that tend to throw him. For instance this month has been bizarre. One day will be 85, the next day in the 60s, yesterday it was in the 50s. It's a little warmer today than yesterday. This is just one example.

There are many other situations that cause him stress. I'm trying to get him to sometimes just take a chance. To make a decision based on the information he has. He'll learn for the next time if it doesn't turn out to be the best choice. But that it isn't the end of the world.

We've had some success with this, but it's a long, slow process. But that has been the case with him for many life skills and decision making.

I do think that he is denial about his disability. He's asked me recently "Where did this start? Where did this come from?" He wants so much to not have a disability. How can I help him to come to terms with it? Or will that just come in time?

When he was first diagnosed the school psychologist explained it to me this way. She said "He will always have Asperger's. There is no cure. But we can help him to learn strategies that will help him to cope with the world." She also said "He's very bright. He can learn to cope, but it will be hard. It would be like you learning Astrophysics. It wouldn't come naturally to you, but if you had to learn it and you worked very hard, you could learn it." I also attended a speaking engagement with Temple Grandin. She said that she has to spend a lot of time practicing for her talks. She said that she needs to script everything she says.

I'm worried that his choice to ignore is really denial.

The time spent in the dorm will help him to be more responsible for his everyday routine. He might not make many friends and just might end up being taken advantage of. I hope you intend to keep in touch with him on a daily basis and ask what kinds of social interactions he has had and to tell you everything.
Isn't there any college he can commute to that is 4 year? If he's 19 and still has no friends out of just talking to people at school, that means that is the way he is. A lot of aspies think that people they just talk to are "friends". It's not the same thing. He needs to be set up at a school that is familiar with his asperger's and can find kids like himself so he can spend time with them. He's not exactly safe around NT's on his own. They can pair him up in a dorm with someone like himself. He can choose to ignore his AS but you and the people responsible for his success don't have to ignore it. Treat it but behind his back - for his own good. I have an 18 year old who is the same way. I go behind his back to tell all those that matter about him so they can facilitate his academic success. I've convinced him that there is no shame in not having friends. Just lead a moral life. He doesn't know that I'm working behind the scenes and he will never know. My son's strong point is that he is academically gifted. If I push him into an NT world, he'll fail miserably. He's builds his knowledge while still feeling safe at home. We've accepted this. We accepted that we can't have both worlds. But it is better to accept the world in which he is comfortable - not the world he is told he should be comfortable in. That's just not reality. He's commuting next year to a state university. Dorm life would bring the end of him and his talents. His attempts at sociability in high school has proved disastrous. We've learned the hard way. He can't be what he is not - and that's NT. Your son doesn't want you to ignore what the rest of the world calls a disability. He wants to be accepted as he is. He's already accepted himself but he thinks that you and the rest of the world can't accept it so he wants you to at least meet him half way and ignore it. He wants to live his own life according to his own rules. The NT world ruins us by forcing us to be like them and we can't be. Picture it the other way around. AS majority vs. NT minority. People would be arrested for talking to much, for poking their noses into places they don't belong, etc....
for crowd mentality, etc... DON'T TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS COMFORT ZONE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!! !! Listen to what he wants, really listen. I know I don't know you but this means a lot to me. I care. I understand this because my son was diagnosed in kindergarten (age 5) so from kindergarten up to 6th grade , I and the rest of the world tried to change him into an NT until the day came when he told me to get stuffed. I continue to tell the rest of the world to get stuffed. My son is growing into a fine young man but on his own terms. The most powerful thing he said to me was, "Stop warping me!" "You're not changing me, you're warping me!! !" From that day onward, enlightenment came, and still is coming.

His being taken advantage of is definitely a concern. The campus is 45 minutes away so we thought this would be a good next step for him. If he had a problem we could easily get to him. He's made some friends at school through the Anime Gaming Society. Hoping he can room with someone from that group. He says that he wants to continue his education beyond the Associate's degree that he'll get at the community college. In order to do that he'll have to board. Four year schools that are a part of SUNY are too far away for him to commute to. I've gone over many scenarios with him about ways that he could be taken advantage of. Can you tell me what you think he should watch out for?

Wow, you're on-line right now!! ! Avoid, of course, fraternities. Be mindful of potential rape. Don't leave beverages (soda too) out and in the open. Food as well. Do not eat food or drink sent by others - even if they're drinking it themself. People spike soda all the time even their own. They may have a higher immunity to its effects. Don't wander off of campus. Don't get obsessed with females or have one invite him to a room. He has to just keep to himself and/or stay with those kids like himself. Simply throw himself into his studies and believe in God. Check websites for dorm safety and how to keep your body and your valuables safe. Best wishes to you--GOTTA GO TO WORK! LOST MYSELF TO THE WEBSITE!! !

Thank you so much for your advice. I will try it. I don't want to cause him stress. I just never looked at it this way. I really appreciate your suggestion. I really do.

I don't know your son, but I would like to offer a counter possibility - it's OK for your son to go in there "like a normal" and fail. That your role now is not to keep him from failing, but to offer support and back-up so that he can get back onto his feet.

Yah. He will likely get taken advantage of at some point. My early college years were...not as fun as they could have been. I'm a self-responsible adult now. I learned. I have a good life. And part of it is because I know how to deal with failure.

I agree with the other posters - it is 100% normal and even potentially healthy to go through phases where we just feel like maybe all this disability stuff is malarkey. It's a phase of discovering the ways in which we really are strong, capable, and a regular member of society. Then, invariably, something happens that shows us that we are also exceptional, and that there are ways in which we need more care. Both of these things are true.