My teenage aspie daughter says she is transgender

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Hi all, very new to this but need your help. My daughter (17) has recently told me that she wants to transition to a boy. I was very shocked and trying hard to deal with this the best way I know how but its very difficult. Just curious to see if anyone else is going through this. She has never mentioned this before and wants to take hormone therapy drugs which absolutely terrifies me. She has been referred to a doctor here in town but i'm wondering if this is due to the fact that she just has not ever fit in with anyone other than boys because they're much easier to get along with. Her friends at school are now boys/trans/bisexual. i'm afraid shes on a path to destruction.

Several research studies about the overlap of autism and the sexual "differences" of LGBT individuals have shown in recent years that there is generally about 10 percent of each group which is also part of the other group. This is especially true among female-to-male transgender individuals, but appears throughout the "differences" range in disproportionate rates. It appears to be its own kind of "spectrum."

As a gay man, I have several transgender acquaintances. In my opinion with what I have observed among transgender individuals, those who transition earlier in their lives are much happier with the outcomes. Those who wait tend to appear to "give up" after some years, and resort to a kind of asexual identity. These are just my observations, of course, but I would suggest discussing the idea of transitioning and its inevitable "launch" dates sooner than later. At least then, planning your futures will come more predictably.

Good luck with whatever choices are made.

Well perhaps part of the reason she gets along better with boys is because she feels more like one. I don't think it would be destructive if it's what she really wants and identifying as male feels more comfortable. For transgender people they feel uncomfortable in their own skin, so it can be more destructive to ignore it and maintain identifying as their birth sex than to transition.

I met a transgender woman a few months back, when we had some people over. She was male to female and she seemed happy with herself. So transitioning genders certainly can be a success and have good results, I imagine the younger one does the better it turns out.

Good for her. I don't understand why you have to be transphobic (even saying it "terrifies" you) and use the slippery slope logical fallacy that she's on "a path to destruction" just because she has figured out who she is and what gender she identifies with.

Last edited by JohnnyLurg on 08 May 2017, 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

We try the best we can to take care of our children. It's understandable for this parent to be scared since this is a sudden change from the parent's perspective.
OP- did your daughter say how long she has felt this way?
No reputable medical professional is just going to transition your daughter without being certain that your daughter knows what she is doing and is making this change because it is who she is and not a panacea for other problems she is facing.
It shows how much she trusts you that she is involving you in the process.
I would find the best medical professionals I could and be as supportive as possible.

Yep. I don't pretend to know the details for certain, but I remember my transgender acquaintances saying that they were required to have counseling and live as their desired gender for six to 12 months before even starting the hormone therapies for several more months. After that, the various surgeries would happen. Of course, I was also told that anyone could opt out at any stage of the process before the surgeries. So, it isn't a quick and easy matter for anyone involved.

Like beady wrote, the most difficult part is telling others, especially family. The last thing a transgender individual wants is to get ridiculed or worse when they have finally accepted themselves. But, I suspect that aspier is a very good mother. She risked a lot by coming to us for best advice and support, nothing more. I believe she will do a great job of supporting her child.

Being transgendered is not a destructive path unless the person lacks moral/family support and is ill informed about what they are embarking on.

If she were my daughter, I would do the following.
1. I would be very careful no to invalidate her feelings about her gender identity.
2. I would tell her I love her whether she is a boy or a girl and I want the best for her, whatever that may be.
3. Because I want the best for her, I would like her to make an informed decision, so I would tell her I would like her to speak with a therapist who specializes in guiding transgendered individuals and I would also like her to take some gender studies classes.
4. Because I would like her to make informed decisions, I would have urge her to take into consideration the words of her detractors (look up "The Dirt from Dirt" (she can be nasty and hateful but she has some valid points)), and people who have transitioned and regretted it (Look up on Youtube "Real Talk with the Cummings" (they can be religious wackos but they also have some valid points)), and understand why. Again I would make it clear to her that this is not to try to change her mind, but only to allow her to make an informed decision.
5. I would also discuss the issue of transitioning and being unhappy with the results. If she ends up as a short man with wide hips, small face, and no functional penis, would she be ok with that?

Again you must approach these things in a way that doesn't make her feel invalidated in her feelings or that you oppose her decision. Because this can be tricky and teenagers can be pretty adamant in their beliefs, I suggest you do it with the guidance of a therapist.

I can understand it being scary for a parent, I mean everything else aside going from having a daughter to having a son or vice versa would be a pretty drastic change so I could see having some worries about it.

I'm not a transgender expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn...

The brain is a magnificent piece of machinery and not one is the same as the other. It'll have certain "programming" and it won't always match the body. You cannot start with a few cells and have everything match a predetermined outcome. So this sort of thing may be the result of nature. So pushing against it would be, well, unnatural.

Therefore the best thing you can do is just be supportive. Be there. Let her take the lead on things. Just being there and say "we're going to go through this together" (metaphorically speaking).

Is it possible she may not be fully understanding what she's feeling. Yes, but that is something she'd have to discover for herself.

Really what I think it comes down to is "love".

I dunno, I feel like with younger kids right now that it's something of a trend especially among certain segments of teenage girls. My younger sister is into all that and has said things but I think it's just a phase, if that's what all her friends are doing then I'd really would want to put pause on it. People can live however they want but when you start talking surgeries and pumping hormones into your body I think it's a lot more serious, there's no going back after doing that to yourself. She is 17 tho, almost an adult so she will be able to make her own decision soon enough and will have to live with its consequences. Support your child none the less, hopefully that is what she really wants if she goes thru with it.

The main thing here is that you support your daughter and show her respect, and that you guys can discuss this in a rational manner.

Search for similar topics here on WP, this is not the only thread on this topic.

One thing someone said once was that a lot of autistics don't really 'do' gender very well - gender roles don't make an awful lot of sense. A schizophrenic author I've been reading wrote that she'd have liked to change her gender if she'd known what gender to change to. Why don't you ask your daughter if gender roles is the problem, but respectfully. She might genuinely need to transition, but all options must be discussed.

I sometimes worry that we live in such an age of individualism that we interpret every problem as a personal problem, and not as social problems that a lot of people share. It's like we decided the world is now perfect, and if you don't fit in, you have to change, not the world around you.

Either way, your daughter needs to talk about this to someone she trusts. Sometimes we moms can be a little too close.

Culture changes over time. When I was a teenager, I saw myself as having a very 'male' brain, and I thought I was a bit butch although in retrospect that was not the case. Now I think I come across as very feminine, which is too funny. At the time, nobody had even heard of transitioning. It wasn't a thing. But I distinctly remember having a teacher who seemed stuck between genders - it took us a long time to figure out that they were a 'he', and in retrospect said person seemed to have some autistic traits.

This is going to be a marathon, for the whole family.

I think you should support her and listen to her and respond in a non-judgmental way. You should let her decide how she wished to be seen by you, instead of dictating the type of person that you think she should be. You should also do research together on transitioning and surgeries. You should also ask her questions like the one that Chronos suggested for example. You should also ask her why she wishes to be a man, instead of insisting that she's a young woman - which my mum always tried to insist and I hated her for a while for doing that. If she wants to cut her hair and dress like a man, let her. Let her be free to do what makes her happy. I also suggest therapy to help both of you through this, something I wished my mum cared enough to do.

As far as I understand it, hormone therapy is reversible. If you stop taking the hormones, the effects gradually go away and your naturally produced hormones take over again. If she already has a referral to a doctor this is good, as the doctor can monitor her helath and make sure she gets the right dosage. Problems come when you start buying hormones over the internet because you do not know what you are getting or how much you should be taking and it can be very risky.
My partner is trans so I have a little experience and have done some research in this, but I'll admit I know a lot more about male to female than female to male transition.

I'm writing as an autistic father to an autistic and transgender son and I think I can give you a few pointers.

Firstly, she is he. If he's serious about this then you need to start getting used to calling him "he" and "son". This may sound simple but trust me it's not. You've spent 17 years using one gender and now you're going to have to get used to using another and this takes time. What you must realise is that using the wrong gender when referring to your son causes him pain. Imagine if your mother continually referred to you as her son instead of her daughter.

The same goes for his new name if he's chosen one. Get used to it. I found this one of the hardest parts as my wife and I had spent a long time choosing a name that was never to be used again and it made us a little sad. Also, ask him if you could help in the choice of a name - that is something we never had the chance to do and I think it would have really helped - it could even be fun! Using the incorrect name (a dead name) can also cause a lot of pain for your son as it's referring to a person who no longer exists. However, we all make mistakes and most trans people are incredibly understanding and realise the occasional fuckup will happen.

Next, who do you tell? We're in the unfortunate position of having a very elderly family member who would never be able to understand my son's transition and so we haven't told him (my son, my wife and myself discussed whether to do so at length). This does mean that occasionally we have to use the incorrect gender in conversation. This is painful and awkward for both my son and us. Be aware that bigotry and ignorance is everywhere and could cause a fracture within your family. Your son is going to have to be incredibly strong (and so are you!) and will need all the positive support he can get. Many young people see nothing unusual about gender transition. In fact, our young daughter probably took the news better than anyone else in the family.

Trust the doctors. I've no idea where you are but in the UK there is generally a long transition period full of GP, psychologist, psychiatrist and counsellor appointments even before you get to hormone therapy. This is not something that someone does on a whim or because it's the cool thing at the moment.

Remember that your child is still your child and nothing has really changed.

Lastly, talk to your son about this. Ask him what he needs.

If you're lucky, my son may be along to give you his point of view, as he's also a member here. I hope some of this helps a little and good luck to both of you.

I have not gone through that but have gone through something with similarities. I am 59 years old person who found out he was autistic four years ago.

As a 59 year old who grew up when what we call transgender today was a few drag queens in the bad part of town, all this LBGTQ, transgender, 50 or so non-binary gender identities awareness seems to have come suddenly out nowhere. To me it is bizzare, confusing and discombobulating because it is upending all of what I just knew to be true which was a person was born a boy or a girl who was attracted to the opposite sex,
anything else was "sick". So it is tempting to for me to dismiss it all as some sort of media driven teen fad of the week.

But I and everybody else had no idea autism was anything but a horrible rare thing that meant you had no hope. There was no reason to think I am autistic. Understanding of autism increased and autistic is most certainly who I am. I also know due to several comprehensive autism histories that have been written that autistics have always been here but unrecognized.

Now to get to my main point. Living a lie about who I am was very destructive it caused worse problems then my autism ever could. The largest autism charity put out a fund raising ad saying Autism was like a horror movie psycho breaking up marriages, ruining families, that was destructive. Like Transgender, Autism seems to be a media creation that has come out of nowhere so a lot of people are saying most of it is fake, and a excuse for rude behavior, the fad of the year. Of course the awareness is going to produce wannabees but the assumption that who I am is something that will go away once I get a hold of myself is destructive.

Accepting that a basic part of who you are is very different from the norm is a long hard slog. It is most likely your child spent years agonizing over this and agonizing over when and if to tell you. That you were told is a sign of great love and trust in you. You should give that back in return.

As AspieUtah said no reputable doctor will do gender change surgery just because somebody walks in and says I think I am a boy.

I'm trans too. I live at home and can't yet start transitioning due to my mother's attitude. She doesn't want me dressing in men's clothes and always dismisses the hints I give about my gender distress. So I say be accepting of him, help him every step of the way and accept him as your son