need your help please

Post Reply New Topic

Hello,
I just found this forum and thought it would help to reach out. I have a son that is now going on 23. He was about 2 years old when people started coming to me about him. Some were kind and concerned about his behaviors, some were point blank rude saying I need to medicate that child. It used to make me very angry as I didnt see anything about him that was different. When you have a baby, you kinda tailor yourself to that child and form your life around them, their moods, and needs. I felt they needed to be medicated if they couldnt handle a sweet but precocious child. However as he grew, I couldnt help but notice things. It was hard for me to admit.

He was absolutely brilliant. He could focus on things and memorize at a young age that was amazing. He would watch his favorite videos and repeat every word said...over and over each day. He was an absolute titanic expert. He worried like a young child should not. He had to have an absolute schedule and if there was to be any change, he would have melt downs. He could not deal with most people and they couldnt deal with him. He could be 4 years old and want to discuss the etiology of anarchy but if someone knocked at the door, he would run and hid under a table. He could not stand loud noises. Once I tried to surprise him by taking him to see Toy Story at a theater (first trip) and the sound caused a melt down. it was a disaster. He could not tolerate costumes; would run scream and cry and have extreme anxiety even if I wore gloves., begging me to take them off.

I had trouble getting him in daycare. They called him a living terror. he argued on everything and had a 'superior opinion" than everyone. ('how dare you say its 3'oclock! its 3 minutes till!") Another one found they could somewhat control his behavior if they told him if he didnt behave, they would hug him. This was the 90's and there was not information as there is today. Once he was school age, it got even worse. Teachers loved his intelligence but could not tolerate his mentality. I became a full time conflict resolver, trouble preventor, protector. Im sure I made many mistakes but I love my child and i truly tried.

Between subjective and objective there seemed to be a significant disconnect. Over the years there were so many fights concerning his perceived view of something versus what was really going on. He could not pick up on on any social cues. Everything was black and white and he could not even try to consider that there may be shades of grey. It was a constant source of stress, anxiety, social problems...eventually I started home schooling him as I didnt know what else to do. Sometimes, it was so beautiful and pure...one time he over heard me talking about art and telling someone that I couldnt draw a straight line. Later that day, he handed me a paper and was as serious as you can imagine...it was several dot to dots of straight lines to help me learn.

I was a single mom and really the only person he bonded to and he bonded to me to the point of suffocating me at times.. Eventually i remarried as I wanted us to have a regular family and give him siblings. His biological father had ran out on us when I was pregnant and my son never met him. I wanted hm to have a dad and i tried to pick someone who seemed kind and loving but unfortunately it was a disaster. My husband simply refused to understand or try to work with my child and took to abusing him. I kept trying to play middle man, trying to protect my son and prevent blow ups. as a result, we both ended up abused. I became a raw bundle of nerves. how my son must of felt, i cant even find words.

I tried getting him help. By this time, there was no denying my child definitely had some issue but I didnt know what. I tried getting him evaluated, councilors, psychiatrist, psychologist. one put him on ADHD meds. His behavior did improve somewhat for awhile but not significantly and he lost too much weight so that was discontinued and they put him on an antidepressant. His behaviors got worse so that was cancelled. another put him on an antipsychotic. another called child protective services on my husband. No one suggested autism at all.

I left my husband and came back a few times, believing promises that never were true. one day I came home from work and my son was rubbing his head and complaining of a headache. My husband took issue to his use of the telephone and pushed him. His head hit a wall and then a picture fell down and hit his head as well. I packed us up and left state. However my son began getting sicker and sicker and I took him to the hospital. long story short. he had a cerebral bleed and nearly died. he lost the main venus sinus on one side of his brain and it is permanently blocked by a blood clot. the smaller vessels enlarged to feed his brain and is high risk for anuresym.

With the increased intercranial pressue and simply having a closed head injury, his mentality became harder to deal with. He and I, who were so very close, became at odds. Being away from my ex made our life much calmer but as adolescence hit, I had more and more trouble dealing with him. He would argue to no end and if I tried to get away to my room he would follow me, fight me physically with the door and keep yelling at me. I would lock myself in the bathroom and he would stand outside the door yelling his opinions at me.

At age 15, he took to hanging out in the dirty unfinished basement and was not even socializing with me and his little brother, except if there was an argument. At this time is when I began looking into Aspergers as a possible explanation. He of course thought Im just insulting him. Things got worse and worse and I was beyond concerned but didnt know what to do. Trying for help hadnt helped ast all.. I received word from the private online school that I had him enrolled in telling me he hadnt turned any work in in 90 days and I lost my temper. I insisted he moved back into a normal bedroom upstairs and I grounded him from the computer. He went postal on me. He became physical with me, pinning me against a wall screaming at me how he would not "allow me". He ran away, filed false charges on me with child protective services and my life turned into an absolute nightmare. i was thoroughly investigated and cleared of all charges...but lost my child. He left to another state and over the years doing many things to damage my reputation and hurt me. I do understand that he blamed me for marrying someone who abused him but he saw how much I tried to defend him. I often came between them and took the blows. I left and divorce him on the grounds of his abuse. It was a very long drawn out battle and we even went to forensic psychology and it was all ruled against my ex. My child knew these things but still turned on me in a horrific hateful way that to this day I am not healed from.

Recently, he published a blog and sent me the link. It was the first contact he made to me in 7 years. The bog is entitled "She Knew". My son has transitioned to female. The blog was how I knew and how cruel I was to him about it all. How horribly abusive I was to him. Only I didnt know anything about a gender issue at all and I never abused him. The only whisper of truth in the article is that I took him to different doctors and he was medicated but he didnt see it as my trying to help him. His perception is almost a mirrored reverse image.

We are now *slightly* communicating. I am very torn emotionally as you can imagine. i am so afraid of handling things wrong. I am sure she is as well. I know this is very complex and I have only given a brief overview here. There are so many issues. However, I have reached the point that I do believe that Aspergers was an originating issue and all else grew from there so if I can get him to at least consider that he is on the spectrum, I believe he could better relate to the things that happened and maybe, maybe we can begin to build a bridge of peace between us. He considers Aspergers as just another thing I want to hurt him with.

Please dont be mean to me if I have said anything in this that is not "pc" or for just being plain ignorant. I am just a mom in a situation that I need advice for. As an older person (57) I dont come from a generation that gender issues were instantly thought of when a child has behavioral issues and it is only in recent years that information about Aspergers became common. I only want my child to be healthy and happy and I appreciate any help you might offer. Thank you.

I don't have much to offer here, but it sounds like you have opened up communication with your 23 year old. Communication is a good start, and i would suggest you keep doing that. Try to build a grown adult relationship, and educate yourself on the gender issues.

Being on the spectrum is not a curse. Their are many positives to having ASD, but their are negatives. Just reiterate that ASD is something you can live a normal life with, and having a diagnosis can help make sense of a lot of things in the individuals life.

Good luck

I know it must be very difficult to bear all of this. There's nothing you did wrong and it isn't your fault. I'm not in agreement with the whole "Trans is normal" thing; I don't think it is. As a man with Asperger's I pride myself on being logical and, though many may argue (and that's fine), transgenderism is impossible. These people are in no way the opposite gender of their births and it isn't their body that needs to be changed - it's all in their heads.
The reason I make such a brazen, non-PC statement (and I could not possibly care less about PC), is because gender is hormonal, hormones are based on genetics, and genetics is determined by chromosomes dubbed X and Y. A person with XY chromosomes can never become a person with XX chromosomes. Being "male" is much more than having a surgical procedure to make it appear as though you have a penis. Likewise, being female involves much more than having fake breasts grafted on your chest, estrogen injections, voice lessons, and a fake vagina. It's all a glorified costume; complete with elaborate acting and a dash of delusion.
Call me what you want, but those are my honest thoughts. Your son had an issue understanding himself and took it very far - I can relate to that and I'm sure most of us can. I'm not saying he's bad, just confused like a lot of people are.
You were probably the best mother you knew how to be and you ought to not blame yourself. Just get to know your child, be sincere, and be a part of his life if you can. Perhaps a relationship is possible once the angst wears off.

When dealing with others whether loved ones or not, sometimes being able to determine their level of self awareness is key to being able to introduce them to ideas they may not have considered. Sometimes the threshold is rather limited as is the case as you describe of your child.

If your child believes that you are thrusting an issue they feel isn't a problem then you are going to meet resistance.

A fallacy I read in your post is that you state your child will change if they just recognizes themselves as having autism. It implies that you can change your child to your expectation, the exact thing that led to this described rift. Instead I suggest reevaluating your expectations and approach.

Read up on autism and how it presents, understand how it affects a persons life, develop a strategy for communicating with your child that fits within their understanding. As well you can suggest that they have autism by carefully placing clues, (i.e. Hey, I just read this book, that I instantly thought sounded like some of the things you said you have gone through.) without being confrontational about it. Talk about your child's interests and see if you can't find an author who has ASD who discusses the same interests. This will enable your child to self discover.

Above all else set realistic expectations for yourself and your child. If you want to truly just have a relationship then set expectations that fall in line with that. (i.e. If we talk for a half hour every week without arguing it's a win. I will hang up if my kid becomes abusive after x number of warnings.)

Wow, you and your family have been through so much. I guess that from your childs perspective his life experiences to date are very real and the only version of reality that he knows, and the same is true for you. Maybe with your extra life experience you can acknowledge that both realities are real, even if your now daughter denies yours?

With my limited time, I am just going to say that hind-sight is 20/20 (according to what «they» say), and that medications were an absolute huge mistake which was the guarantee to make things worse, due to the psychiatric-industry being fraudulently pharmaceutical-controlled. What you should have done was to bring him to a hypno-therapist instead, that would have been much more effective, and the only thing that would have worked.

Tread carefully here. While this is your child, this child also put you through an investigation by CPS, which I'm sure went on much too long and wasn't pleasant at all.

Unless you are prepared to just accept and take the blame for every slight your child feels you have done, I'd remain superficially pleasant and civil. If you oppose your child on anything, I'd expect another lashing out and probably internet bullying.

If it were me, I'd keep a safe distance.

The more you try to convince your child of the existence of Asperger's, the more likely the possibility will be dismissed. Someone else may have success, but not you. Your credibility is damaged. I would never mention it again. Does it even really matter to put that label on your child, accurate or not? What are the benefits? If you just communicate without trying to influence in any way (in any area of your child's life), then eventually trust/respect for you will be slowly increased. But have not expectation of this. Just enjoy what communication you have. Don't try to explain your logic or concerns. Just let the realization of Asperger's come on its own. If one of my parents tried to convince me that I had something that I didn't believe I had, and they brought it up more than twice, I would become very irritated. Especially since, in the literature, Asperger's is described in an unpleasant way- like we're less than other people and neurotypicals are the whole people whose behavior and logic we should aspire to.

As much as we'd all like to, we cannot change our past, so we have to move on with what we have and the history we have.

Don't try and undo the things that have passed. You are moving forward from this point in time. Develop a "new" friendship with your daughter, building on the old one is fraught with trouble.

Yes, the history is going to influence what you do, but try to minimize it by not bringing up things that happened years ago between you two. It's kind of a difference between "how are you doing" and "how have you been".

There may come a time when you both may talk about what happened, but that's probably down the road somewhere. Establishing a new friendship or bond will help in being able to revisit the past, if you so choose.

Saying that, of course, is easy. Doing it, on the other hand, is difficult. When she brings something hurtful up, don't get too defensive, offer things like "I hear what you're saying". Have lots of patience.

That you are communicating, that's a big step.

Unfortunately, I think you might also have to accept the fact that there may never been a closeness but know that that isn't a foregone conclusion either.

You may also benefit from seeing someone. All the issues will not be her's alone.

Best of luck.

You have both been through so much. My main concern though is you. Have you sought help for yourself? You must be shattered and overwhelmed from it all. You have been so strong through some awful experiences. You need healing yourself maybe then you will be better able to help your son heal.
My son has high functioning autism. He was diagnosed as a child. He refuses to believe it. He says his social skills are too good. He forgets how hard I worked to teach him those same skills, but it's OK with me if he doesn't want to believe he has HFA. Whatever makes him happy makes me happy.
Please take care of yourself. Being a Mum is tough and often lonely. I'm glad you found us all here but do think about going to a psychologist or family therapist to help you work through all this.

First, have you considered you have Aspergers?

Second, establish an online "drop box" that the two of you know. Read his letter and think up a proper answer based on all your expectations and anticipations, answering all the charges with your logic and eventually send it back. He will email you back a week or two later with more and you go back and forth from there. But stay as far away as you can while leaving an email to each other and nothing else. OH YEAH- and also agree with whatever he says as it's all the literal truth.

[Moderating]

The mods have been looking at this and similar threads and come to the consensus view that it is not appropriate to question the validity of trans identities in threads about individuals with trans identities.

If you want to debate trans identities, please do so in the Politics, Philosophy and Religion board, bearing in mind that this is a sensitive topic and one should avoid being derogatory when discussing it

--Adamantium.

Wow that is hard. I am sorry your child feels that way and have you tried explaining to him/her that you didn't know about the gender issue and he or she never said anything to you about it so how were you supposed to know?

I wouldn't really say anything about any conditions to your child about anything he or she could possibly have. Your child doesn't want to have anything wrong with him or her. It's possible it was all gender issues and that can lead to behavior and anxiety and depression and peer problems and once the child is allowed to live as the gender they are on the inside, all those struggles go away. But I would leave all the armchair diagnoses alone and just accept your child as a she and refer her as a she when you talk to her and refer her as her new name she is going by.