lost

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I don't know what I like
I don't feel as interested in my special interests anymore
For so long I have tried to imitate people
All my life I wanted to be somebody else
Now I get confused and I don't know who I am
When I notice myself trying to imitate somebody else I stop
But then I don't know what to do instead of what the other person would do

I don't know what I like
I don't feel as interested in my special interests anymore
For so long I have tried to imitate people
All my life I wanted to be somebody else
Now I get confused and I don't know who I am
When I notice myself trying to imitate somebody else I stop
But then I don't know what to do instead of what the other person would do
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i am 34 years old. at this point, i do not know if it is that i do not know what i like. or that i do not like anything.

quite frankly the older i get, the more things i fear. the older i get, the more precious lil "people" i hate. and the fear and hate gets more intense. the fear and hatred starts quickly, suddenly and sometimes without warning. the fear and hatred lasts longer. duration. intensity.

and oftentimes, i feel hateful and afraid of things that happened in the past. recent past. distant past. it's like it never ended.

got a diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. but so what? what function did that provide? nothing. as usual. seriously sometimes it seems like everything is useless.

and everyone is worthless. or at least, they are not nearly as valuable as they act.

special interests? when i was younger, i had various interests. nothing particular bordering on special interest. more like preoccupation. obsession. grudge. dwelling on the past:

autism
gender identity disorder
precious lil "people" i had crushes on. some of them ended up homophobic
homophobia
body fat
the past
philosophy/justice
$$
jobs
college major
rape
the meaning of "life". (if any)
biking/running/swimming
holding grudges

yeah i wanna be someone else. a cisgender neurotypical skinny smart handsome white man. instead, i ain't got none of those job skills. and quite frankly i never will. so i might as well stop trying. b/c "trying" is just making me annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, and angry. and a failure. as usual.

imitating someone serves a function sometimes. you have to fit in and act in certain ways. but of course, once in a while, you ought to be authentic. "be yourself". kind of cliche.

like when i lived in a homophobic city. and i started crossdressing. under the notion of "be authentic". "be yourself"? that was too idealistic. not practical enough. precious lil "people" gave me all sorts of social rejection.

but, of course, there are times when you should not imitate someone else.

creativity serves a function. think outside the box. in some situations.

plagiarism also serves a function.

it's a balance.

They tell you how to behave to be acceptable to others, they are teaching us to be disingenuous. But the message to me has always been that it's better I be disingenuous than to be the way I am. That tells me more about the people sending this message than about me.