I want my heart back
And everything else that has been taken from me. Im weak as I type this. Ill never be strong again in this life. I had a dream I needed companionship. In that dream everything was taken from me too. That was just a dream. I no longer need to fit in, not in this life. Ive evaded that sunny hell. Now I wait. Wait for something. Just a piece of whats left of what I mistakenly distroyed. Just a fractal or a fragment of me. I know Ill find it someday, in some way, in someone else.
I share your feelings. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to not love than to love and eventually lose. There's no answer. Just grief and emptiness. I move on, but without direction, to no end. I used to believe life was a constant journey to happiness. Now I see life as a constant journey to death and decay. Little things give me temporary enjoyment, but no goal, no happiness. I wish I could help you, but being in the same emotional state, I can't. I can only offer my sympathy. Keep up the good fight, and hope for the best. That's the best we can do.
Some people like the numb feeling that medication creates, I although do not.
I miss engaging in music and it effecting me on a spiritual level, I love the vibes I get when listening to chill music.
I miss the angry feeling (weirdly) when I listen to depressing and cathartic music.
I miss feeling alive and juggling different emotions and being able to actually connect to someone else.
I miss being able to meditate to find mental places of solace.
I miss being crazy and bold.
I miss having the ability to read a complex manual or scientific writings and being able to understand the words by piecing the segments of the word and defining it that way.
I miss my special aspie powers, like the reading complex material I mentioned, but also the ability to use scientific reasoning.
I miss being connected to my heart and mind together.
I miss being skinny, I used to be almost anorexic (and malnoutrisioned) in my youth but ever since medication I have been too big for my comfort. I hate how it messes with my metabolism and my energy levels.
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