i need to talk :(

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^ I think it was because he's an a***hole.

but it was just with me :/ he isn't like that with the girl he loves. from the beginning he told me he didn't loved me, but i really didn't understand?? i just thought it was because he didn't want anything serious because i would move to another country soon.

but i don't really know what he wanted with me anyway

He wanted sex by the sound of it.

yes, but he could get another girls. it's really hard to understand him because he was nice to me. i gave him a lot of trouble, like sending him lots and lots of messages and he was nice to me, lots of patience, and i really felt him very caring, he travelled to met me (20 hours by bus).

i don't know why he still treated me that way :/
and i don't know why he can't love me – part of me knows that i'm not pretty and i'm boring, and sometimes i wasn't good for him, but i tried so hard to be the best girl possible, i did everything he wanted and i was really open to improve, but he just said that didn't matter whatever i did.

He was 'nice' to you because you gave him sex.
Even traveling 20 hours - men will do that for sex.
Maybe he was getting it from other girls too.
This was obviously a 'friends with benefits' relationship in his eyes.
He got what he wanted from you, and he made sure to tell you he could not love you.
His mistake was in not making sure you understood the situation.
In this way, he took advantage of you.

maybe he tried to make me understand but i'm too stupid for that
because he told me he didn't loved me but i don't know :/ i thought if i was nice enough he would love me
so i did everything i could. it cost me a lot.

then i perceive that didn't matter, so i start to be really bitter towards him, it was really bad, now we were being more friendly again but it still hurts me a lot, specially because i see how everything is so easy for him.

and i feel such a failure

The relationship failed due to faulty communication.
That doesn't make YOU a failure.
He had no intention of loving you.
That does not reflect on YOUR worthiness to be loved.
That reflects on HIS morals and character.

but no one else wants to love me :/
no one was ever interest on me

Do you have no love for yourself?

i feel really stupid because i thought that if i nullified my personality and did everything he wanted, he would love me. i tried to act like this for 8 months, until it got very clear that it wouldn't work. i think i lost myself in the process, because i become someone so different. for those months, i felt happy to be blank because he filled me in a way i like, he was a kind of person i wanted to be, had a life i wanted to have.

i missed a lot of opportunities during that time because of it, and i still feel ashamed for the sexual stuff, i still like him and i don't want to have the feeling i was abused, but i still feel this way sometimes. :/

i really wish that he didn't knew the power he had over me and it was just an accident, that he didn't used me deliberately.

I know.

It's hard to love yourself when you're being someone else.

You are perfectly ok as you.
You are more beautiful than you can imagine.
I wish you would treat yourself kindly, as you deserve to be treated.

Hugs.

I wish you would take the love that you felt towards him and turn it inwards.
He was unworthy of it.
You're not.

it's hard to love yourself when no one else does :/