i feel really stupid because i thought that if i nullified my personality and did everything he wanted, he would love me. i tried to act like this for 8 months, until it got very clear that it wouldn't work. i think i lost myself in the process, because i become someone so different. for those months, i felt happy to be blank because he filled me in a way i like, he was a kind of person i wanted to be, had a life i wanted to have.
i missed a lot of opportunities during that time because of it, and i still feel ashamed for the sexual stuff, i still like him and i don't want to have the feeling i was abused, but i still feel this way sometimes. :/
i really wish that he didn't knew the power he had over me and it was just an accident, that he didn't used me deliberately.