Do you dislike or value your autism?

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I'm sure this has been discussed far too many times on this forum, so I'm sorry for bringing it up. But it's a topic I've been thinking about a lot personally recently, and it would help to see a discussion on it. When I was younger my autism was something I valued a lot in myself. I didn't know a huge amount about it, but from what I had been taught it essentially seemed to me to amount to being more rational than other people. Many characteristics I had that were uncommon in my peers, I just assumed were down to my autism. As I was generally very happy with who I was, I saw my autism as a positive influence. Call this all 'arrogance' if you want: it's not as if I went around telling people this, but it was what I believed. I don't see anything inherently wrong with having a high opinion of yourself.

Anyway, I've recently experienced many cases of being abused or patronised by other people because of my autism. In hindsight, I've also realised a lot of mistreatment of the same kind I've received in the past has likely been for the same reason. At first, it seemed laughably absurd to me that people were treating me as irrational because of autism, when I saw autism as implying the opposite. However, I started looking into autism properly so I could argue against such perceptions. It turned out the situation was a lot more complex than I thought. For example, difficulty comprehending nuance was something I always associated with ordinary people. I had always prided myself on my ability to see the grey in situations, compared to many other people I knew (doubt the validity of this if you like, but based on my experience I'd say I have good reasons to believe it). However, I recently discovered that 'black and white thinking' was supposed to be a common characteristic of autism, whether or not it applied to me specifically. I've also learnt more about other issues associated with it, some of which I never personally identified with: major sensory issues, apparently inflexible behaviour, and anxiety, for example. The experience has been upsetting for me, and I'm not longer so sure whether I should value this central part of myself, though some obvious benefits do remain.

Basically, I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on the same topic: whether or not they consider their autism an asset on balance, and their reasons for their viewpoint. Sorry for the wall of text - this was kind of a rant that I needed to get out of my system.

Neither. It is what it is.

I don't really know any different and it's part of who I am. I know it's a hindrance to my sociability, but I still cannot picture who I'd be without it because I have no frame of reference to do so.

I suppose I could wish I didn't have it, but that's not going to change anything. Would things be better if I could hold conversations with anyone, had limitless energy? Maybe. Would I be a better person because of it? Hard to say.

I think it's specific to the individual, to me it is a crippling disability and don't see much if any value in it. I'd much rather be 'normal' and social than autistic and alone.

I value the slightly improved quality of life my diagnosis has afforded me, i.e. better support system, but perhaps more importantly, gaining a greater sense of understanding about who I am and why certain things are harder/easier for me in different walks of life. I feel this will eventually tone itself down however, after what is probably the equivalent of a 'honeymoon period', and level itself into general neutrality as I age.

I don't like it or some of the associated conditions that go along with it. I feel as though it makes me less of a person. I have a lot of plans for my life, but a diagnosis would mean I would have to give them up. If I had a diagnosis, I may not advance far beyond what I am now, or even get back what I lost.

I hate my AS. It prevents me from making friends, partly because I fear rejection and partly because I am socially awkward.

I hate being an odd person. I know everybody has odd ways but my oddities can make me feel alone and friendless at times.

I hate feeling like I don't have a voice. I find it hard to be heard in a group conversation, even if I'm speaking during a gap and is 100% relavent to what the conversation is about.

I often feel stupid and dimwitted. If I'm attacked online for expressing my own opinion (which doesn't happen often though), I feel "beaten" or "outwitted" and don't know what to say to "win". So many people out there are know-it-alls, and how do you win with them?

I hate the way I think sometimes. I imagine objects being alive and it's ruining my life. If 2 sweets are stuck together I think they are family and I have to eat both of them because I'm afraid of separating them.

I hate the way I put things off because of my overthinking and anxiety.

I hate that my whole work life has to be limited because of my difficulties.

I hate that I have a higher chance than most of being bullied at work because of my oddities.

I hate being in a minority.

I hate jumping at loud sudden noises, and getting nervous when I know a loud sudden noise will occur at any moment and being unable to "not think about it".

I hate having later childhood memories of being lonely and miserable due to rejection from peers that was basically like emotional abuse. I was made to feel that I didn't matter and that I was not worthy of having friends.

I hate that I took up a lot of attention from my parents as a child, making my brother feel emotionally neglected. Now he has become an emotionally insecure adult, and I feel like it's all my fault.

I hate the way I give off vibes that make people look and stare like I'm a freak, even though I make sure I look presentable and stylish and I act normal.

I hate the way I have to turn down invites to social events because of my social anxiety. People think that I'm just miserable and unfriendly or unsociable, but it is not that at all.

I've come to accept my Autism and who I am over the years, but there are a lot of times where I wish I were completely neurotypical. It would make my life a whole lot easier. I'm doing my best to learn coping skills and I work with a therapist so that I can do my best to function as well as I can. I can't change my diagnosis and it is a big part of who I am and why I do things the way I do.

Canadian Penguin has a solid response, that is the way I interpret what possessing the cloak of autism means to me, I can dislike the intensities and knots it brings but I can't consider it a curse no matter how deeply life has been affected. I am not anything less because of it, I have had to grow in a different and difficult manner to the norm. If anything it has caused me to feel I am actually more valid than I ever suspected. I intend to eventually experience life with the growing and gradual peace that exploring that outlandish territory known as 'autistic' has cast over (and will continue to) me. I do see it as disabling but I don't see it as smothering, we just need support and space.

OP, do you know the Serenity prayer, by any chance? Life is much more peaceful if we move to an acceptance of "the things we cannot change" as the prayer goes.

As a earlier poster said, it is what it is. I value certain things about my AS and do my best to practice acceptance toward the facets that challenge me.

I neither truly disliked or valued anything about myself.

I neither truly value nor dislike myself as a human, even though I put that first and foremost. Let alone as a female, or as an autistic, or what I inherited, or culture and upbringing I grew up with, or what merit I gain in this lifetime.


I simply can let go of life itself.
It's like neither positive nor negative towards it, but there's no true apathy in it either. I'm no nihilist.
It's just as simple as acceptance. At the same time, to grow, to change, and to move on to another from time to time just to pass time in this lifetime.

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It is what it is and I don't mind.
It's the only life I've ever known.

suddenly my whole life makes sense.

I do not have RTT syndrome. I didn't have seizures or regression or motor deterioration.
But I have a mild RTT phenotype.
Constant hand stereotypies and movement disorder and irregular breathing pattern.
Poor expressive language, vocabulary, and communication skills. Socially aloof and gaze avoidant.

I guess having both deletions and insertions saved me because mecp2 is dosage sensitive.
I consider myself very lucky because it could have been a lot worse.

I think I was part of some kind of 23 and me research because I got some information on my account but it was kind of cryptic and looked like it was supposed to fit on a form and I couldn't get any more information out of them so I had to make sense of it myself.
That's what all this genetic nonsense is about.

Now I get news from Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP) in my email twice a month and I don't know why.
Strange things keep happening to me.
Sorry for going off topic.

For me there is no personally part of me and autistic part of me, it is all fused together. I accept this.

I would rather be normal. I have so many problems due to AS.

Bringing myself to think of closed-mindedness and judgement from others as being "their problem, not mine" is something I find difficult. I want to be accepted, not be rejected and alone.
Yes I do try to surround myself with the right people but you can't choose who you work with. And to me, work isn't just a case of doing to get my wage. If I feel lonely and/or ostracised at work, it makes me depressed. It reminds me of the lonely school days I had to suffer through, where some of the girls hated me and I was just unnoticed and excluded. I don't want to have to put up with that in adult life.

For me, it's a bell curve. When I was a child, I viewer it as a negative thing, as it significantly hampered my ability to interact with others, as well as affect other areas like motoric functions. Once I entered my late teens, I was in the process of acquiring the social skills necessary to navigate through society, and I was feeling more comfortable in my own skin. But then when I got my first job, I noticed that I was not at all as socially adept as I had thought, and to this day I struggle heavily with socialization. I have failed at establishing friendships even though I've actively sought them out; at times it's highly demotivational. The only stopgap measure against going nuts from loneliness is to peptalk myself into playing up my loner status as a source of strength:"I'm independent and strong". But it only works for a while.