Feeling Trapped And Miserable

Post Reply New Topic

So, I'm feeling trapped right now. And upset...and hurt. I'm posting here because I need to somewhere otherwise I feel like I'll go nuts.

I feel like a failure. I'm 25 (oh wait no, it's midnight so I am now 26: Happy Birthday to me, right) and have a BA but I live at home with my Dad and his wife. I can't afford to move out because I don't have and never have had a good paying job. I am currently actually between jobs.

Of the seven hours I spend home alone, I probably spend five working. First I'll do chores, then I'll do job and internship searching. This has been my general routine for the past few years (with variations for when I have a job or an internship or during the time where I was learning how to drive).

Then when my Dad's wife comes home and it's all negativity. The way she talks implies that she thinks I've been lazing about all day; "Have you applied for any jobs?","Why are there dishes in the sink/strainer (if I haven't put them away)?", "Why is there mail on this counter?" And then there's the comments like how it's so great that my brother's learning to cook for himself that I know she's saying so that I'll hear (a skill that I need serious work on). But I'll ask if she needs help and be told 'no' or I'll be doing something and she'll get impatient and tell me to let her do it.

Then there's the nonverbal crap. Glares, for instance...When we're eating together, when we are in the living room, where she notes how few TV shows I've used up in the DVR (Gee, I suppose with all the not working I'm doing, I just don't have time for it), when I am in her path, when I don't organize something just the way she likes it.Then there are her sighs...I suppose I'm supposed to know 1) if it's something I did (if not, I should mind my own business) 2)If it is something I did, that I should be able to instantly infer what it is. Well, guess what? I can't! I just can't, no matter how hard I try.

Don't get me wrong, she isn't always like this. She cares about me and trys to help me when I need it. Sometimes, she'll realize how bad she's gotten and apologize for the way she's acting. She works full time and overtime constantly then comes home to find me at the house, spending more time with Dad than she gets. Here I am, the eldest of the three kids and the only one still living with them. I can't help but wonder if she sees me as the leech I feel like I am, draining their money and resources from them like the aforementioned parasite sucks blood from it's host.

So, whenever she is home, I can either deal with her glares or retreat to my room, away fro her but also whomever else is here. I have to choose between safe loneliness or tense company. I hate it so much. I've been home alone all day and while I like my alone time, I also need feel the need for some time with the people I care about. But when I am out there, I'm miserable. I feel like I'm caught in a loop of negativity because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


My only support in all this at home is my Dad. He comforts me when I am feeling down and protects me. He ssures me that things wil get better. I will eventually get myself a new job. He assures me that his wife is just in a general bad mood when she comes home. He talks to me and makes me feel better Unfortunately, I'm afraid it had become overly much, to the point where if I am not careful I could end up too reliant on him.

I know that if I show how much his wife bothers me, he'll get upset at her and tell her to leave me alone, which makes her angrier. I'm afraid it's getting to the point that I'm a burden on their relationship. But the few times I've tried to talk to her when Dad's not around (out of respect to her and to show my willingness to deal with the problem myself, without bringing him in) she attacks me verbally, leaving me speachless as I freeze up in most direct, head on confrontations. I can't even express how I feel to her in this whole mess after she's 'told' me her side of it all. Still, because I want to learn to deal with my own problems like an adult, I keep my mouth shut about it to dad.

The other person who I can talk to about my problems is my sister. The problem is, she is halfway across the country right now. When I bring it up with her over the phone, I have trouble articulating just how bad things are because I speak as things come to my mind and I am not good at coming up with stuff on the spot. I describe my work load in a way that makes it seem less than it is. She warns me that I may have to settle for working jobs like the produce clerk position I just recently dropped (for a seasonal job that got me out of the house for the last two months and give me new work experience, living on site as a camp councilor). I speak about internships and she warns me that I have to aim for payed ones ( I mentioned that I'm considering using the money I gained in the camp job to pay for an internship in my feild, so I can get more experience). I don't have to tell her about the glares and from my Dad's wife, she sees them herself and that they are mainly directed at me.

She tells me the sooner I can get out of the house, the better.

No S#!t. Because the work I do at home, forcing myself to learn to drive despite being terrified of it, Taking a test so that I can do state jobs and applying for any job that can get me out of the house for a while are indicators of just how unmotivated I am to get out.

And so, here I am, coming into my 26th year bawling my eyes out and hating myself for wallowing in my own self pity. Trying to tell myself that I am not the lazy parasite that I feel like (or maybe I am). Trying to tell myself that my life isn't going nowhere (despite all the evidence to the contrary). Part of me is accusing myself of just being a whiny cry baby for sitting here and writing this out. But I can't just keep sitting on this powder keg that's threatening to explode into what I suspect could be one of the biggest meltdowns I've ever had.I feel so weak, so helpless. Like I've been shoved in a corner and can't get out.

So I decided to come here, to the haven and put this up for the sake of my sanity, to find some assurance or a reduction in loneliness or really anything to make me feel a little better. Because it's so much and it feels like I'm going to collapse under it. So here I am, Two hours and several tears later from when I started typing this.

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was a bit of a rant but I just needed somewhere to express how I feel.

Well, this reads like you are already proactive about your situation. You're trying and despite what your step-mother thinks you've not been sitting around idle watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself.
What is your work field? Does your degree help with getting post-graduate work? It seems a shame to give up on what you are really interested in just to get something that pays minimum wage. Could you compromise? Work a paid job for a few months temp, then have enough resources to intern? Could your graduate university help you? Do they have anything even minimally paid?
You're already working on your independent living skills, like learning to drive and cook. Both good ideas.
You've probably thought of it, but could you not find a way to stay with / nearer to your sister? Perhaps for better opportunities? Would even a house-share be better than hostilities with your step-mother? Are you entitled to any government financial aid that could cover something basic? Maybe something where you get board and food covered for a few hours work?
I got a lot of the same thing when I wasn't working / studying and other people in the house were. But I found that to be much more about my perspective than anything - I used to do all the housework, all the cleaning, cook a good meal every night for everyone, pay for groceries, etc all because I felt like they were accusing me of being a freeloader because they worked and I didn't.
But then I started working and studying, and someone else in the house got fired - and yet, they do none of the housework or cooking, still expecting me to do it, and even start demanding that I pay for more of the bills now they're not working and I am. They don't see themselves as a useless freeloader with something to compensate for. They just play with their toys all day.
The point is I think this is often the way we see ourselves, not the way we are.
I can commiserate with the perspective that life is going nowhere. I actually said that tonight. Even if you are working and studying, this perspective can persist. It may not be relevant to you but for me, I think a radical change is needed, something crazy and adventurous, to just get out of that rut before it's too late.
You're not a whiny cry baby for being upset with yourself and your situation when things don't seem to be working, and as you noted, when you're feeling hurt and trapped. Safe to say everyone's been there at some time. You don't have to beat yourself up about that on top of everything else.
I hope things turn the proverbial corner for you soon, and you can catch a break for all your effort.

The degree is in conservation biology. I was originally planning on waiting until I got a job, find out what the people I work for need and offer to get a grad degree in that on the possibility that they might fund it. I'm kind of rethinking that, since it's been 2 and a half years.

I've long decided that I'm going to try to aim for jobs I can eventually drop if I do get a job in the environmental science field. I have interest in disability services and actually acted on it this summer. The camp I mentioned above was one for people with disabilities and the camp directors told me I was good at it. It ended a week and a half ago and I have applied for a large number of fairly local jobs within the group that ran the camp.

The problem with minimum wage and part time jobs is that I live out in the middle of nowhere. Most jobs I like are at least about a half an hours drive away. Using up that gas money, I know I need to aim for something more intense if there's even a point of driving out to it every day to do the work, so I'm usually aiming for jobs with a little higher pay or longer hours.

As for the money saved up, I have gathered about $3,500 this year. This is what I plan to use toward those internships in the hope of making myself a more appealing candidate for my field (that which isn't funneled away to pay for loans).

As for my sister, she is currently capable of living away because she is using a similar method to your suggestion for me to move with her...she has staying with my grandparents while she works a job in her field (veterinary science) until she could get into a veterinary school (which she just did and will start next month in another country). I am looking for jobs in the area she's in right now too because I am confident that my grandmother would be happy to have me at her house during that time. She has even done it before when I got a 4 month internship back at the end of 2015.

Thus far the government aid has been a bust, which ticks me off.

I agree that I need something adventurous. That's why, short term, I'm actually looking for an out of country internship (maybe to central or south america) for a month or two, even though I know that probably won't be enough.

Thank you for your support. It mean's a lot. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in experiencing this.

Happy Birthday Greetings to you, RubyWings91!

You are a gift to the world.
My wish for your birthday is that this will be a great year for you.

You're not the problem.
Your dad's wife is.
She sounds really toxic.
I hope you can move somewhere else soon and
live in a more peaceful environment.

You're not alone.
You sound like you're doing the best with what you have
and are open to new ideas ... good for you!

Life can certainly be a struggle when there's even one difficult person in your family,
especially at those times when you could really use some support.
Having to deal with family issues on top of autism definitely makes for a challenging life ...
that said, it's worth the struggle.

I wish you the best of success
and will also pray for you.

Thanks, that means a lot to me

Well you seem like a very smart person. It would be good for you to live on your own. Best of luck to you.

Thanks. As soon as I can afford it, I am hoping to move out.

! !!
viewtopic.php?t=351889

viewtopic.php?t=351864

I have recently been interested in returning to study (proper study, possibly university level - I study at adult education right now and I think it may actually be killing brain cells) and as noted there, I'm interested in environmental science to work around to limnology, but worried about committing for the same experience you are having - you're qualified, student loan debt and all, and still no job. Plus as noted in there somewhere, I am highly suspicious of all this "filler" garbage that has crept into education now, so you end up paying for stupid useless subjects all requiring "communication" and "group work" that has nothing to do with your core subject.
I might PM you on this tomorrow, to ask about your experiences of studying in this field and how the job hunt's going - I've had a pretty messed up day and my ability to make sense of things and communicate / relate isn't great right at the moment.
PS : reads like you're on the right track moving in with your grandmother. If it worked for your sister, why not? If she's willing? You're out from under your step-mother's occasional troubles with you and improving your job prospects.

I'd be happy to chat with you through PM later if you would like to.

For me, most of those filler subjects were with my AS degree. the courses for my BA were mainly very on topic with the subjects I needed to learn.

I'm off to check out the links you have provided.