Is there any point to making friends?

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I've been wondering this lately, is there any point to making friends in the long term? I've had a series of friends abandon me for relationships lately, and ultimately, that's the goal isn't it, to find love? So is there really any point to putting time or energy into friendships when you're essentially using your friends as substitutes for a partner that hasn't arrived yet? Hope this doesn't sound too negative, just trying to get my head around things atm...

You could fall in love with someone you make friends with, so if love really is the ultimate goal, friendship seems a necessity.

Outside of the internet I don't have any friends/active friendships to speak of. Even when I did, I would only class a few as genuine friends, people I truly loved and cared about. For the most part we get thrown together with other people and form 'friendships' as a way of getting along.

I guess it's worth it if you have the energy and you genuinely like someone, or if it will be advantageous to you in some other way. Personally they never stop me getting lonely, and I find it hard to bond with others, so I struggle to maintain links like this.

If that's your perspective on the purpose of friends, then probably not.

I don’t think it sounds too negative.
If those people have abandoned you for their partners, it means they don’t realise the importance of friendships. Or even worse, they don’t value the time and energy you spent trying to make them happy. It’s absolutely normal to feel lonely and lost in this kind of situation. I think the reason you are questioning friendships in general is because you’ve had these terrible things happen to you recently. If those people who left you made you ask yourself whether or not friendships are worth it, it means they are… probably not good enough to be your friends. I’m sure they have absolutely no idea what they’ve lost .
Besides, in order to last a lifetime, a romantic relationship should be based on respect, trust, honesty, communication etc. (just like friendship). If any of those is missing, the relationship is very likely to end or (if it continues) have negative effects on both partners. (So basically, every healthy relationship should be based on the principles of friendship.)

A true friend will make you feel happy about who you are no matter what.
A true friend will be there for you when you argue with your partner.
A true friend will be there for you after a breakup.
A true friend will be emotionally available even when you are/he is in a relationship.
A true friend is ALWAYS there, so he is not a substitute for a future partner.

I suggest you don’t give up and the right people will come along.

No, I don't find any purpose for friendships. I think it is a better idea to focus on polyamory rather than getting friends. For me, friendships are always of the superficial type, and only continues as long as there is a mutual benefit, and require constant tit-for-tat. I have rather low motivation for keeping those alive. Polyamory is more useful as it builds on relationships and attachment, not a fragile friendship basis.

I think she was speaking about others in general.

The OP is right in her observation - so many friends disappear once they get married or in LTR.

Don't believe in making friends. Good people will gravitate to you, the relationship then stands on moral understandings. Intrapersonal relationships are what they are, don't force them

Yes, you should always strive to have friends. Granted, there can be limits to this and they do require a bit of your effort to keep them as friends. You never know, one of those new friends might introduce you to your future soulmate that you are searching for.

You are not alone in having friends drop you when they become romantically tangled with someone. Their life greatly changes at that point and they can forget those that were important in times before that event. It has happened to me countless times and it hurts every time it happens. I just accept it as a part of life, much like growing old. (Although, I age at a much slower rate than they do. ) I have zero childhood friends left and only one friend from college that I talk to anymore. Unfortunately, this is something that those on the spectrum will likely see more than the average NT will. That does not mean that we should give up on friends. We need to realize that they are more temporary than they appear to be. It dawned on me one day that I can be just as happy without them as with them.

Friends are ALWAYS good.

On getting friends, it all just depends on how generous you are with your resources. I'm not rich, but I have loads of time. So I make sure I take the time to let people talk to me. That has really helped me. In the friends department.

With dating... Well, a friendship IS one kind of a relationship, just like professional relationships and even romantic relationships. They all work principally the same. It's only the context that changes.

If someone is new to dating, this is what I always say:

1. Make friends by catering to their interests. People are fundamentally selfish and evil. They all want to feel important. So you capitalize on the selfishness of others by building them up in their own eyes. Jesus taught this. The OT writers knew this. Reciprocity transcends culture and religion. It's a part of human existence. For our purposes, if you want to be interesting, you must first become interested in others. There is no other way.

2. From your circle of friends, which hopefully includes MOOS, establish your dating pool. These will be people who are at least acquainted with you, who know you well enough to feel comfortable around you, and who trust you on some level.

3. Begin by asking women out on casual gtg's. Lunch dates, group activities, church events, etc. Anything that is enjoyable for her but implies no pressure for future dates, expectations later on in the day/night, or sex. And for goodness' sake do NOT call it a date! It might actually be a date, but what's the real point? You are there to gather information. Calling it a "date" implies something else, a "date-date." This doesn't mean you have romantic interest in her. It just means you want to get to know her better. You have a better chance of getting a girl to go out with you that way than if you make romance your intention at the outset. Keep it low key and non-threatening.

4. The legendary, mystical "Black Book," sometimes called the "Catalog." Unlike Don Giovanni, this isn't about conquest. It's about staying organized. You will keep a journal of every girl friend you make. You need the following information WITHOUT EXCEPTION: Name, contact info, at least one major interest, and eye color. DO NOT NEGLECT to write down her eye color. Beyond that, write down in 3 sentences or less what you talked about. Remember the last thing she said. Use that to pick up where you left off the next time you meet. And I mean any time you see her, not just when you buy her lunch.

Review your journal DAILY, commit as much to memory as you possibly can. Many women are similar, do not confuse them. Maintain contact as best you can without appearing stalkerish.

5. Expand your dating pool. Make a point of adding two new names to your journal every week. You should be well-acquainted with 100 women within a year.

6. Embrace rejection as your friend Part I: make dating a numbers game. At first, you'll likely be frequently rejected. Shake it off. It's the law of large numbers here: The more women you ask out, the more times you get rejected, the likelihood that ONE (1) woman actually accepts increases to a near certainty. Remember, we're just talking about getting a lunch date or some other casual gtg here, nothing romantic.

7. Translate casual dates into real dates, or "date-dates." Again, let me emphasize that there can't be any romantic intentions here. The purpose is still the same: getting to know her and show her a good time. That is all. "You like classical music? NO KIDDING??? Hey, check this out: I've got two tickets to the opera next weekend. I was just going to give them away, but would you like to go with me? REALLY? Oh cool. Pick you up at 6?"

8. Embrace rejection as your friend Part II: separate the sheep from the goats. Ok, you've been at this for a year. You have been in contact off and on with some 100 women, you've had more rejection than you want to admit, but there are some 10 or so, or maybe more or less, that you seem to get dates with more often than others. It's never too early to weed out the crazies. The sooner, the better. If you haven't done so, start eliminating them from your dating pool. Start with all the psychos. Next, look for the gossips--anyone who speaks ill of ANYONE in your presence. This is more than just venting. This is malicious. If she disses your friends, disses you in front of her friends OR yours, lets her friends trash you behind your back, cusses your mother, or is otherwise heinous in ANY way, cut her loose. No explanation necessary. Just cross them right off the list. Keep meeting new women and adding to your list, of course. Keep your larger circle of 100, but begin focusing on women you'd most like to have a relationship with.

9. Begin narrowing your dating pool. Take it down to the top three you seem to get along with best and who seem to be genuinely interested in you. And yes, I do believe it's possible to "fall in love" with more than one woman. You could pick any one of these and probably have a good relationship. You can pick by ranking them in order, random number, throwing darts blindfolded at pics, favorite color, body measurements, or have them all compete in gladiatorial games. Do whatever you want, because you can't lose at this stage.

10. If you date this girl for three weeks straight without EITHER of you dating anyone else, then congratulations! You have a girlfriend!

What you do after step 10 is up to you. Breakups are inevitable, sad to say. So give yourself a good 3 or 4 weeks, and then you could go to girl #2 or #3 after that. If that doesn't work, revisit your list, cross off some names, call 'em up, cross off some MORE names, and then just get out there and meet more women and add more names (and contact info, interests, and eye color). Start the process over.

I suppose I could add a step 11:

11. Marriage. You've kept your "Black Book" through several LTR's and a few months of engagment. The Black Book is supposed to be a secret, something you keep locked in a fire box or safe deposit at the bank, maybe even hidden at the Global Seed Bank in Svallbard. But if your wife knows and is cool with it, invite her to this little ritual you're going to do. Take your journal somewhere safe, build a fire, and BURN IT. No going back. Your dating life is done.

Well, you still have to date your wife, but your black book has successfully run its course. Say goodbye to your old friend and enjoy the rest of your life. Get her pregnant as soon as she'll let you. Have many babies. Be happy. The end.

I don't. Time is a scarce resource I only give to people I'm in love with. Giving time to "friends" is mostly a waste of time.



Only for NTs. NDs mostly pursue both relationships and friendships in the same way, and it typically is because they want a relationship and hope being friends first will work (well, it might if they follow the romantic path), but the risk for a heartbreak is huge when you do it like that.



I don't like people that are selfish.



That's just crazy. I cannot be interested in (courting) more than one girl at the time. That way, I know that my memories are about her, and not somebody else.



Rejection is my worst enemy, so I will avoid it at all costs. Primarily by learning to detect interest so I don't fall in love with a girl unless there is mutual interest.



I would focus on compatibility rather than social stuff. It makes far more sense.



Well, if I'd been younger, I would have ruled out monogamy as the first priority. It's just an obstacle for an interesting life.

Thanks guys, a few interesting points. I guess it means different things to different people.

And to clarify, I rate my friends pretty high on the importance list, it just sometimes feels like it is a one way street and maybe I should concentrate on finding a partner.

Not everyone uses their friends as substitutes for relationships, but I've experienced that too and it is frustrating. Even if you're in a relationship, being your only social contact can be a burden depending on the type of person they are especially if you expect to share hobbies.

Your guide has a one major flaw:

A regular guy can't make 100 women interested in a year!

He should be a drop dead gorgeous or super rich or both.

Also no need for a book; you can just use a spreadsheet, sorting is easier and can be deleted anytime.

A lot of people thinking the OP is male.

As ever this forum assuming that women can't possibly be perpetually single.

............

I don't think people use friends as a substitute for relationships. Their life just changes when they're in a relationship and they just gravitate to people more like themselves.

Who said anything about getting 100 women interested in a year?

Yeah, a spreadsheet would get the job done. Not a terrible idea, you can certainly do it that way. I just have a mistrust of technology when it comes to that sort of thing. As in "ok, where did I put that thumb drive? The last time I used it I was...oh, $#¡+! !!" Or your smartphone drops out of your pocket the ONE TIME you leave it unlocked. Or you're laying cable when your gf drops by and starts nosing around on your laptop/desktop. A firebox with combo lock you keep under the bed isn't so vulnerable. Nothing is PERFECTLY secure these days, not even the lockbox journal. It's just the ritual of having it, making handwritten notes, getting in the habit of talking to girls and making acquaintances all the way through to forming lasting relationships, even if you're just friends, that holds the most appeal to me. You CAN do it electronically, but I don't think it's going to be the same experience. To each his own.

And even if you are smart enough and consistent enough to have an offline computer, there's the tactile experience of actually writing something down and keeping it locked and secure. I would get a nice, leather-bound journal or at least a Moleskine. Buy a special pen just for that purpose. Or high quality pencils like Papermate Mirado. Whatever feels right to you. Do as much or little as you want, have fun with it. Enjoy the satisfaction of being a man on a mission. The main point of having it is to stay organized and on task. Keep track of conversations and pertinent essential info.

Keeping a log of what happens in your romantic life is an interesting project, but using pen & paper is pretty inefficient given that you cannot change it. And just burning it when you get into an LTR is even worse. I wish I kept logs during high school and college, but I didn't, so now all I have are some distant memories that are not even close to the details a real log would have. I'd download it to my website (in a hidden area), or upload it to some neutral site where it preserves. Another possibility is to write it as PMs to somebody you trust to get second opinions.

IMHO, what you describe sounds more like what some pop-star might do in order to catalogize all his conquests and not something that would be useful for the average guy.