How much do you mask?

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I've had just about enough of doing this at all. It's been getting harder the older I get, and I'm beginning to hate myself whenever I do it. I'm sick of how much this takes from me, when all it does is make things less work for other people who never even know that, because they don't understand or accept anything about autism unless I have been sitting in a corner rocking and peeing myself since birth.
I am autistic. I sick of pretending to be anything else, even a little bit, for anyone else. Most autistic people have been conditioned from infancy to hide this, and get congratulated and praised for how well they appear to be neurotypical, while they get censured and "taught" out of presenting as anything autistic. I'm doing this myself and it's BS and I've had enough of it. I'm done putting myself in situations where I am required to impress anyone with how autistic I'm not (at least, how neurotypical I can appear).
Anyone had enough of the endless compensating, play acting, wringing yourself out to appear anywhere near normal when it's all a very thin lie anyway? Why shouldn't we just act naturally, as autistic as we are, and it's tough shite if that's weird and other people don't like it? Why should we be on this bandwagon where being autistic is bad and acting as neurotypical as you can is good? When it takes everything out of us, every day? When it's not what we are, and having to mask everything all the time is exhausting and isolating?
Screw it. I'd rather just act like an autistic and be done with the sham.
How much crap masking does everyone else do?

I gave up trying years ago. Everyone can see right through it anyway, so I don't know why I should even bother - everyone who tries to interact with me for five minutes can tell that something's up with me, no matter how hard I try. I try my best not to do things in public that will draw a lot of attention to me, like obvious stimming, but that's about it. I actually wish I could mask, because it would be helpful in things like job interviews, so maybe I'd actually be able to get a job I can support myself on. But I do have problems with people not understanding/believing my struggles, because my functioning level varies - so people see me at my best, and then assume I'm always capable of that, and if I'm not doing it, it's simply because I'm not trying hard enough or don't want to. It's very frustrating to be constantly told that when I actually am trying my best.

I really wish I had not tried so hard to mask my frailties in high school. It ruined the whole experience. It made me unhealthy and severly depressed. If I would have just excepted that I have weaknesses, I could have had a lot of help. Not doing that caused problems for me in adulthood.

I used to go through periods of masking and nonmasking when I worked.
The only time I had trouble with work was after I disclosed.
Then I got picked on for stupid stuff, like sitting on the floor or swinging on my chair - both calming behaviours which they viewed as 'unprofessional'. (This was in my own time on breaks, not when I was working)
Meltdowns were suddenly viewed as something dangerous and I was considered to be incompetent and unreliable, which was just utter BS because I'd been doing the job as an autistic for 14 years and there was no one more reliable or skilled than I was.
In the end I asked them to show evidence of my 'incompetence' and surprise, surprise, there was none.
After I left they could not find anyone skilled enough to replace me, so they had to send their clients elsewhere, losing them quite a lot of funding.
These days I rarely mask.
I feel much more relaxed being myself.

i wasn't diagnosed until my mid teens but i feel like that sense of something being "off" has haunted me my whole life... i used to ask my mother if there was something wrong with my brain when i was very young.. got punished and alienated constantly for my behavior as a child. now i don't know if i'm good at masking or not but i do it anyway because i don't know what else to do. i've tried to live looking like a neurotypical for so long but it's just exhausting..... i have friends because of my efforts but i can't relate to them and i'm constantly defensive and everyone says they don't understand me, it feels like there's no point. i'm tired of pretending to be something i'm not but i feel so unsafe, i honestly just wish i was neurotypical

I spent nearly 60 years completely unaware of my autism while feeling inadequate (like an oddball misfit belonging nowhere) and trying to prove I actually was somebody, and that including trying to find-and-prove my own worth to myself as well as to others. In my late-50s I went to work for one of the finest families I have ever known, and it was during those last couple of years of my working for a living that I simultaneously began losing some of my feelings of inadequacy (thanks to those great folks) as well as discovering and learning about my autism. Today I no longer live like a chameleon always trying to fit in wherever, and I no longer make any apologies for being "one of a kind" as I have always been known. I find no fault with people who do not understand, but I also no longer take a back seat just because others perceive me as being odd. Whenever it seems obvious to me that someone else does not understand, I simply explain enough about myself to offer a perspective and then just continue being myself no matter what anyone else might say or do.

I never masked so much till after my son was born, didn't like a job got a new one didn't like a person cut them out didn't like a place I moved, but now I'm the breadwinner for my family I can't just leave can't just say or act how I wanted I needed my paycheck fear rooted me, it was hell all day at work had to fake it came home had to fake it more, I got stupid lucky i met her and we made him and she gets me and works with me. Every day I battle with who I am and who I need to be and who I want to be I'm terrified of the future, the more I learn about ASD the more grim it looks, if there's no light at the end of the tunnel atlease I got them.

I am sick and tired of masking and I feel all the same frustrations at myself for it, C2V.

But, paradoxically, I don't think I have any intentions of stopping, at least not currently.

I have some good reasons but if I go into any more detail, inevitably someone who is not walking in my shoes is going to come along and judge me for whatever details I reveal about why I feel myself to need to continue with this at least for the present.

I've given up trying to hide who I am. I'm me and if people don't like it that's their problem, not mine. I am however extremely lucky in that I don't have to work for others anymore. We have our own business and I work behind the scenes. I can avoid interacting with the public and our staff either accept me or leave and that's fine with us. Neither of us want to work with judgemental bastards.
For the many years I tried so hard to fake being NT, I never managed it very well. People always seemed to pick up that something wasn't quite right with me. The only thing that wasn't right was that I was living a lie.

To bunnyb: You call it "living a lie," I call MINE "survival method."

And I do work for myself. But I have LOST WORK because I was "myself" and disclosed. And in MY particular business and the local economy it's very hard to replace that lost income. I can't afford to be as cavalier as you, Bunnyb.

My work also depends heavily on the client's perception of me as a person they have to form trust with. I can't afford to invite their misguided beliefs if I can just as easily stay quiet about it and let them judge me on all my other very positive qualities -- THOSE aren't a "lie" -- I'm still myself, I'm not entirely just a walking diagnosis.
I'm not defined solely by my ASD. I'm still more like THEM than like some other thing they are not. EVERYTHING they do know about me isn't all "a lie" for chrissakes.

You also mention you are part of a "we."

EVERYTHING is different when you are a "we" and not just an "I." I'm alone. I'm alone in my business. I'm alone in my efforts to keep the bills paid. I'm alone in my battles with any injustices that occur against me.

It's always easy to be feel untouchable when you have support. A spouse. A family. A business partner. You have NO idea how much the shoe is on the other foot when everything is just down to you alone.

I'm also in a living situation that is too complicated to talk about here, and I'm not about to open it up to be picked apart by judgemental people who would probably do the same as I'm doing if they lived in my building.

You DO NOT KNOW what you will feel you HAVE TO DO until you actually walk in that other person's unique situation and realize that it may actually be the BEST thing for them to do what THEY are doing.

All that masking made me seem like i'm a genius who can do anything and because of this now i'm trying to live a life i'm not capable of. I hate people who feel like autism will rock their perfect little world and try to normalize their children as much as possible. I hate people with perfect little worlds period. I hate people who can't accept things in their life and refuse to change. They seem like little whiny babies to me. If they expected a perfect world than they're delusional and it's their problem.

I think I'm kind of like a female Sheldon who's rated G.
I mask when I go to Star Trek conventions or events,
as in masquerade ... I become Q, or a Vulcan Ambassador, or Borg ...
have done tons of fantasy / sci fi role-playing,
and can portray fictional characters so well it can scare people.

But when it comes to real life, I live that openly.
(That doesn't mean I walk around telling people I'm autistic.)
I've walked through much of life unaware
of why I didn't fit in, having people call me names
like "weird" or "brainiac".

And now that I've figured it out,
am not sure I'm even capable of masking in real life
so I just hope that when I open my mouth
I'm not offending someone without meaning to.