just a rant

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so I haven't posted in here for a while but I just needed somewhere to anonymously rant, or vent, or some combination of the two... a vant I guess :/

I have an Asperger's diagnosis but I suspect comorbid ADHD (inattentive type)... I have massive concentration problems and I'm incredibly distractible... I can go into work in the morning in a good mood planning all the things I'm going to do that day and then... nothing happens, I catch myself staring out the window, or I have to re-read the same paragraph 20 times as the words just aren't going in, my thoughts are like wading through a fog... literally all I want to do is work, I'm in science funded by a grant I wrote myself so in theory I get to work on exactly what I want all day, that's the dream right, and there's so much I want to study and learn, but my brain just won't do it, I sit there smiling to anyone who comes in the office but inside I want to scream or shout in frustration because I just can't do it, then I end up walking home feeling suicidal... today I was frustrated enough to try hitting myself in the leg with a hammer, didn't do much but felt a bit satisfying :p... so much for the good mood I guess... thankfully I did go to the GP and they agreed to write me a referral to a local ADHD diagnosis place, I'm praying something like ritalin will just help give me the clarity back, but there's a 12 month waiting list and even then there's no guarantee I'll get the diagnosis, or the medication, or that the medication will work :/ ... plus with the way science works 12months will take me 1/3 the way through this job and I'm not sure how long my supervisor will be happy with how little work I'm doing... half an hour a day isn't uncommon at the moment... but as of right now I don't know what else to do so I guess i'll just wait and try to find something to help me work a little bit more :/

anyway yeah that's me done, not particularly looking for responses but I guess thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it ^^ ... really it just feels a little cathartic to throw it out there as whilst I tell my friends and family hints of what I'm going through, they don't really know the full picture...

I'm sorry

While I do have some advice, many would consider it terrible advice, but I also have some difficulty staying focused (nowhere near what you describe tho) but I always found smoking weed helps me a lot with that. It quiets my mind and lets me focus on one thing at a time and has helped me remain productive at work (altho hiding the smell is a problem of it's own). I've quit recently and I gotta say my focus got drained significantly. If it's legal around your parts, maybe you could ask a doctor about it. He'll probably have some better advice than mine either way.

Note to bobchaos:

In corporate America, smoking weed will get you kicked out of a job pretty darn fast.
Lots of places have drug tests before you can even start work,
and some places have random drug tests that they can do whenever.
I once saw a guy literally frogmarched out of a workplace between two security people
because he was suspected of using drugs.

Note to arko5:

Staying focused at work ... yes, it can be a challenge.
How is your life outside of work?
Are you ...

1) Getting enough sleep?
2) Eating right?
3) Exercising?

I know there are times when I need to work on one or more of these areas when it comes to being healthy.

Being rested, well fed, and in good shape can help you focus.
And yeah, then there's the challenge of autism.
Pursuing an interest, dream, goal, passion can help (notice I didn't say "special" interest).
Epsom salt baths can help ... the salts contain magnesium and sulfur, both of which are relaxing ... and especially so for autistics, from what I've read. I know it helps me, anyways.

Just a few ideas.
Take what you like, ignore the rest.

thanks, and yeah whilst the weed idea wasn't necessarily a bad one (I believe some ADHDers end up using it to self medicate as it seems to help), it is illegal where I live (UK) and probably wouldn't be a long term solution anyways :/

and thanks for the suggestions... but whilst I have a hard time shutting off, I do get at least 7-8hrs sleep a night, my diet can be... repetitive haha but I cook for myself and all in all it's pretty healthy, not a stranger to fruit and veg at least :p ... and yeah I exercise 6 days a week for 20-40 minutes (plus 40 mins walking to/from work) so that shouldn't be an issue either... I've also ruled out more standard medical issues like thyroid, and also for slightly weird reasons low testosterone, both of which I believe can cause concentration issues

I did originally attribute the concentration to depression cause well, suicidal thoughts and self harm bit of a hint huh :p ... and I dropped out of uni the first time round through to depression, but I'm thinking I have cause and effect mixed up - poor concentration leads to frustration and guilt for not being able to work at the level I want to and then the depression kicks in :/

I guess the most frustrating thing is there's lot of things I'm *really* interested in like learning maths, and piano, and well my whole job, it's a topic I love, but my mind just goes 'nope hey you haven't stared out the window for like 30 whole seconds now why not give that a go', clearly needs a good beating to set it straight ><

Focus is something that interests me as a meditator.
Sometimes what they call "monkey mind" grabs you on the stool, or sometimes just drifting off into inattention, and having to reorient.
The advice I have from teachers is that the wandering off of the mind isn't important - that's natural and will happen at the beginning - it's the constant catching yourself and coming back to awareness that's important. The more you do this, the more you train your mind to refocus when it becomes aware of wandering, and that eventually conditions the way your mind works, to do this automatically and thus, gain greater focus.
Mindfulness of this type might help for you. Train your mind to do this both at work and away from work will help improve focus over time.
Do you work with other people? Perhaps having someone work with you, keep you going and on track, might help? The getting-nothing-done scenario is often a problem with correspondent study, because you don't have a class, teachers and schedule to keep you on track. Maybe working on your own isn't ideal?
Sometimes I also find it easier to focus on something I don't want to do, or am avoiding, by cushioning it a bit coupled with something I enjoy. So, doing boring coursework in front of a TV show repeat I like helps me to actually do it, because then it's not so unpleasant.
As said above, just some ideas. Hope your perspective clears up!

note to the_phoenix
You'll note the OP is in the UK, and that "corporate America" should never be taken as an example of anything because those people are devoid of common sense.... Employees can't smoke weed but management can have coke and hooker parties

I work in an engineering department for a major banking institution and nobody gives a s**t what I do at home, as long as I keep working like a pro that is.

Yeah, it does sound like focus and discipline are what's needed here then.

One more question: Any sensory issues that interfere with focus on the job? If you notice any, you can maybe take steps to improve your work environment, or how you approach your work environment.

hmm I've always been unsure on this one... I think I struggle to filter sounds properly as when I'm tired or stressed a busy place can be just massive sensory overload and I just need to get somewhere quiet quickly... it's weird though I also just really struggle processing information verbally - like if I'm going to a lecture *nothing* will go in unless I've prepared for beforehand (unfortunately that didn't click until the second time I attempted Uni ><)... similarly if someone asks say 'whats 3x4' seeing written down I know the answer before I've even consciously read it, being asked it, it takes like a minute to respond... never understood that one :/

I'm in kind of a catch 22 really... I sort of know locking myself away in the library will help a lot with productivity, as that's how I got through my undergrad - no distractions means eventually my mind will calm down a little... but that means cutting out the only social contact I have as I live alone, and where I work currently I'm in a good office with people I get along with well (although to sidestep the obvious question, I still can't focus when I'm alone in the office so it's not just working around people that messes with me)... I also know if I don't commit to a working routine fully (i.e. only go to library 2 days out of 5) it just won't work... as I still need a relatively rigid routine :/

have to admit, been wondering recently whether I should get out of academia... on paper it's my dream job but the lack of structure in the working day seems to be breaking me ><