I am not meant to have friends.

Post Reply New Topic

I often feel this way as well. In my experience, it's a cycle of pushing people away because I'm used to them seeing who I am and backing off anyways, giving them the impression that I'm aloof/don't like them, so thus the relationship deteriorates and I'm left thinking I'm inherently unlikable, which starts the cycle over again.

But in some senses it's an illusion. In my first year of college, I'm making connections at a higher rate than before, albeit much lower than my peers. So I tell myself I'm being overdramatic.

Maybe tell yourself that the people who you eventually meet who like you, (they exist, trust me), will be 1200x worth your time than the people who don't.

Marknis



Yeah I am not meant to have friends either



But whatever. What kind of activities do you like doing and what are you good at doing? Maybe you could put emphasis on those and less emphasis on friends

Quite frankly, the most recent time I even made an effort to make friends was four years ago. And that precious lil "person" had the nerve to dump me on Facebook.

But whatever

Maybe she was not worth the cost benefit analysis anyways

"life" goes on

Anyways, I am just so different from precious lil "most people" that they usually just avoid me

And many of them act like they are perfect. They have the nerve to judge and comment on my every slightest action and statement

Quite frankly my metabolism and IQ score are too low to keep up with them

They do not treat me like they treat their precious lil "friends"

They have an entitled, impatient,cself important attitude






They accuse me of doing things that I did not do

They are not will to accept different opinions

They think something I did is wrong, when I think it is not wrong

If what I did was wrong , then what? How much anger does that justify?

Plenty of precious lil "people" act like the second I do something they do not like, that morally justifies the full amount of anger






And some of those precious lil "people" appear (to me) otherwise normal, nice, reasonable.

When someone first meets me, what I really want or need to know is how do they respond to something they do not like

Because otherwise I might stupidly make an emotional attachment. And sooner or later I will do something they do not like



But I am not psychic, telepathic or a stalker

And someone else's acting skills are often better than mine. They can device me

Quite frankly, now that I am 34 I find it easier to not try to make friends

Double standards

Their "holier than thou" attitude

But whatever

Life goes on.......

And they do and say things I find condescending, judgmental or rude and I am afraid to correct them, because they might dump me

Going from 1 to 0 friends is pretty bad

Going from 100 to 99 friends not so bad......

They label anything they do not like, that I do, as "rude". Trump card.

Unlimited veto authority

Please put more emphasis on the good

And notice the good

And use a larger definition of good

And notice things that are not bad

Well now there's always the internet. I find that most of my meaningful contact exists online. The only real friend I had offline my parents kinda killed that due to her coming out as bisexual back in high school. They didn't want me to be friend with her because they thought that I would "become that way too" o-o That's religious folks for ya. Every other friendship has been a significant fail where people were either opportunists, did me dirty, or got bored of me and I fell out with these people as a result (:

Green0Star

I went to three different high schools and one of them included a very awkward situation where I was friends with a guy while both of our parents got goofy ideas about each other's children.

1.My friend was into figure skating and has a lisp with a high voice- so they thought he was gay
2. I wanted to dress in crop top, short skirts while calling myself "Sexy" along with being quirky - so they thought I was a "Slut".

Both sets explained to our special education teachers that they didn't want us together rather than trying to help them get along in the special education community.

However, it was a blessing in disguise because not only did he end up lying and gossiping all the time, he got into a friendship/dating relationship with another female who his parents approved of as she was athletic. Though she claimed to be my "Friend" she also influenced him to treat other poorly, including myself because I had a very outgoing and outspoken type of personality.

I really wanted to replace the "friend" who stabbed me in the back earlier this year but my efforts have all been in vain. If she and another person who did the same to me three years ago heard how I am doing now, they would mock me.

Some people tell me I have good things going for me. I do not at all. I am pre-diabetic, I have weak muscles, I have thinning hair, I am a college dropout, I have a shrinking friendship network, and I have an abusive family.

Marknis

If you want you can

Eat more nutritious food ( pre diabetes)

Work out (weak muscles)

But that is superficial. Maybe you are emotionally strong.

Go to school (dropout)

But plenty of dropouts are successful

In this day and age, some articles claim that half of people with bachelor degree do not work at jobs that involves them

There could be good reasons for you not to go to college. Can't afford it. Have to work. Don't want it. Can't handle it.

Hey I graduated college ten years ago

BA. Ucsd. Cognitive science

Gpa 2.19 out of 4

Wasted six years

And then what?

Got a couple minimum wage jobs and got fired

I experienced the same string of disappointments since I hit adolescence. I was a little bit ok as a kid, despite having parents and teachers that demanded I behave as expected every second, so that I could spare my brain for schoolwork or a moment of caring connection. Then it all went downhill for over a decade. In the last 2 years I reached a new pinnacle of social disaster, alienating everyone in a trade school I was studying at, until I had a breakdown from feeling despised and excluded. It seemed like I'd meet people and they'd like me and be enthusiastic, then 4-6 weeks later they wouldn't communicate in any way, and seemed to avoid me. My clumsy attempts to resolve the matter made it worse and left me more confused. I really wanted to think of them as bad people because I felt so hurt....

The reason I bring all that up is I recently realized that I had spent more and more time perfecting my persona of a goofy, quirky, intelligent, verbose guy who likes everyone. At some moments I am all of those things, and even charming! Mostly though, it is really a User Interface for NT's so that they can have some comfort knowing there is someone in here. Really I am lost in myself most days, hoping for connection, and I miss being weird on purpose, just to explore who I am and love the moment. When I try to suppress all my little tics and obsessions and agonizing light and sound sensitivity, I just go slowly nuts and withdraw.

I've wanted to disappear so many times.

Shadowself, believe it or not, there are people on the spectrum who I have seen treat others with similar problems the way that an NT is treated.

Believe me, I ran into a string of disappointments with other people on the spectrum who did exactly what you are talking about regarding the short period. Believe me, I ended up in tears and feeling angry with them on a multitude of occasions.

Other areas

I was the most disappointed in an ex-childhood friend once she hit puberty and met her first boyfriend at 12. After that. she lost all interest and didn't have time for our friendship. I was sad because I wanted a lifelong friendship like the characters DJ and Kimmy on Full House where we would always be there for each other and that was not the case.

I have had experiences when I worked at an amusement park from 17-19 where I seemed to get along with everyone on the job so I thought they were my friends. I noticed that most of them connected and did things together while not inviting me. It took my mom to point out, "Hey, they aren't interested in you." I found out the hard way when the amusement park turned me down for a 4th summer that they were not very supportive when I chatted with when on instant messenger.

"It's all for the best, you were not happy there, uh gotta go bye," which I blew up at them for in a group email as I had trouble finding a job that year.


I had a similar situation at a church Sunday School singles group where everyone connected and invited each other to things but I wasn't. I also ended up breaking an unwritten rule which was a confidentiality at one of their small groups because no one told me the rules. While they knew they were wrong, I still got held "Accountable". So that group pretty much started ignoring me in Sunday School.

Today, I have been going to a cat's cafe so I can meet other cat-lovers but it doesn't work because
1. I started talking about all the cat's names and cat behaviors
2. Most of the people there want to go and play with cats
3. Most of the People that attend seem rather uppity.

Now I do get along with the owner of that cafe because we have things in common along with her being nice in general.

Now am I making friends? Yes, I finally made two of them recently but it took me 2 and a half years after my last ex-friend called it quits because it wasn't working out for us anymore. I have learned that friends come when you get busy doing and going somewhere that you like.

Even at places where people with common interesrs go to, I still can't make friends with them. I do my best to be interesting and open to the possibility of being friends but people just seem so languid in their responses. It's generally "Oh, that's cool." and it kills off the potential for a conversation.

I'm 25 years old,had a few 'friends' , they would use me and dump me when they found better company...I admit it, I don't go out much, I tend to go out at same places and do the same things over and over again, same topics every day, my extreme honesty and miss know it all etc...not having friend hurts a lot, but I guess its just meant to be this way...not that I haven't tried, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

Marknis - I've been thinking lately about how when I was younger I initiated very few conversations and offered few strong or definite opinions or judgements on anything, almost never if no one asked. It seemed like I had lots of friends then and a number of people seemed to go out of their way to converse with me. They were mostly fairweather friends that disappeared suddenly, but a couple were real. I've been thinking if I could just let myself be my unusual self if that might not help. Looking for friends seems to turn people off when I attempt that. Right now I am devoting more attention to my favorite hobbies: reading, hiking, swimming, writing, staring at trees.... at least if I meet anyone that way there is a chance they might appreciate the same things. Those are just new/old ideas I'm trying in an effort to relax and feel like myself again.

Summer_Twilight - Yes, I can imagine connecting with people on the spectrum can have equal or even identical challenges. My father is most likely on the spectrum, though since he's nearing his 80's it will never be diagnosed, or maybe confused with dementia someday if he loses any ability to function with age. He can behave like a judgemental jerk who assumes he knows people based entirely on observation and preconceived notions, and yet he really wants to like and appreciate everyone. I think no one is quite immune to that. I had a friend like the young girl you described too. She spent almost every day with me when she was single, then disappeared when she was with someone. Eventually she married and that's the last time a phone call was returned. It was humbling to have the reality of her priorities made clear, but I've got a lot of good memories of our time together. And it took me 5 years not to feel discarded and unappreciated when I thought of her. Still learning to let go of past hurts and fears and be present.

Shadowself, I have had several people who considered themselves "Friends" at one time or another in my life who were there as long as they were single. When they started dating, they suddenly couldn't make time for me or rather, I have seemed to be lesser in their eyes.

In fact, I currently have a friend of the opposite sex who wanted a girlfriend for many years, who is also on the spectrum but struggled greatly many times along with battled trying to be in a career of his choice. He finally moved to another part of my city and achieved both. Recently, he has been shunning all of us single friends for this girlfriend. Since then, he's either ignored our texts, taking longer times to respond with short responses, and make plans but running over them by making plans with his girlfriends.

Now regarding that young girl, that was her first boyfriend along with her becoming a teenager while getting tired of me talking about Disney things all the time. We fall apart and re-connected on a few times but it never worked out.

Marnkis, I am sorry that she did this to you and that wasn't nice. However, two things come to mind.
1. Either you just grew apart because he interests and tastes changed
2. You were not compatible in the first place

The guy who is treating us like pieces of trash was the same way did something similar in regards to dating people. He dated a former friend of mine back in the day and had no problem hanging out. It's also funny because that former female friend of mine sounds a lot like your now ex-friend.

My friends broke up because he stopped calling her, stood her up several times which was before she left for a vocational school because she was flirting with other guys in front of him and always wanting attention. However, he didn't communicate this to her very well but rather left her in the dust.

Meanwhile, she was interested in getting together with me prior to leaving for this vocational program. We met one time but she didn't seem like she was all that excited to be there. After that, she graduated three months later and would talk to me on the phone but never had time and nor did she suggest getting together. Rather, I was doing all the work only to get shot down with
"Unfortunately, I have to babysit my sisters. I never have the time like I used to, sorry." Yet, she boasted about having a sleepover with another girl in her mother's backyard.

I couldn't even talk to her about these things without her having a hissy fit in return.