How does everyone deal with "toxic people"?

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C2V
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22 Sep 2017, 6:59 am

This has finally really dawned on me after a recent incident.
However there are some awkward circumstances - we're related. I cannot just cut them out of my life, clean. I'm forced to have connections to them out of periodic co-dependency.
I'm working on my side of that, so I will never be dependent on them again, but it's gradual. I don't have the money to enact my whole plan and even if I did, there's the element of dependency on me, which involves obligation, manipulation, guilt-tripping, etc. Drama.
So.
Some ideas suggested in articles LIKE THIS ONE seem to be on the right track. So far I have -
1. Limited contact - there may be co-dependency still, so I have to maintain some sense of status quo, but that doesn't mean I have to expose myself unnecessarily. I can limit the amount of contact to just, say, once a week, or if kept in close proximity for now, limit contact as much as possible, don't get involved, keep things superficial.
2. "Boundaries" - I have done it subtly before, by making certain topics "off limits," but part of a toxic situation is people don't respect those kinds of boundaries so it seems oxymoronic to suggest that as a strategy. Still, I have started being more consistent, saying "we've talked about this before, I'm not going to talk about it again," then changing the subject and refusing to engage.
3. Reorienting responsibility - others expect me to deal with it so they can continue taking no responsibility. I have started saying NO. I am not available - someone else has to step up for a change. If this person can't cope, then a plan has to be made to distribute responsibility evenly or even seek professional help - because it's no longer going to be dumped on me. It's not fair to expect me to sacrifice my own life just to "fix" someone else's, who makes no effort to help / take responsibility for themselves. This is very difficult for me as I am not used to shirking responsibility at all, a fact that people take advantage of me for. It's difficult to be consistent and say no I won't and stick to it, and deny taking on the guilting and manipulation and demands that come with it, but I am working on it, and have definitely started doing it.
4. Engineer long term plans to eventually get out completely - ideally set up conditions that free me from having to be involved. This is hard too because people are so used to me taking all the burden for this, me suddenly refusing causes problems - like what are they supposed to do about the situation now. There is drama involved, but I'm hoping it's short term drama that when settled, will save me from long-term constant drama which has just got too much.
So - opinions on the above? How does everyone else recommend dealing with a toxic situation and / or people you can't just completely cut out of your life? Ever had to deal with this kind of thing before? What did you do?


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MagicKnight
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22 Sep 2017, 10:19 am

I offer you my experience which may or may not help you but here it is.

The only way to deal with toxic people is limiting contact or rather burning the bridge as soon as possible.

If you are obliged to deal with them toxic people daily, find alternatives. For instance, if these people live in your house and you can't move out for any reason, find something you could do outdoors all day. Let them know you're out on a constructive activity. Find a course, a gym ... something that captures your interest. Also, if you need a favour and can ask it from a friend instead, don't ask your toxic mates.

If that's your boss, it's a bit more difficult. You'd have to find another job and I know this is easier said than done but anyway, Aspie or not, nobody should accept the abuses of a toxic boss. I'd look for a new job, in which we never know, I could end up finding myself in the company of yet another toxic boss, but I'd keep trying. That happened to me and took me a while.

If that's your girlfriend, no matter how charmed by her particular ways your heart could be, you just should burn that bridge, quickly. Again, easier said than done but it takes just the first "no" towards an abusive girlfriend for you to feel empowered enough to do it many times, over and over whenever that happens again.

Finally, don't use toxic people as a personal excuse to not improve your life. Use them as a way to remind you that something very important must be done today that will take you away from these people, away from their influence and their words.



jrjones9933
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22 Sep 2017, 10:24 am

I think more toxic relationships exist than toxic people, although toxic people also definitely exist. Maybe they can change, maybe not, it depends on the individual. All the strategies you listed have merit, and each can work in different situations.

I feel like boundaries matter the most in preventing a relationship from going toxic in the first place. I have had trouble setting them, and I know a lot of other people have the same issues. Practice saying no. "No," is a complete sentence.

Part of it seems to come down to recognizing certain categories of social signal and having a ready response, in my case. Here, my mental rehearsals seem to benefit me more than usual. Good luck changing your interactions for the better!


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C2V
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22 Sep 2017, 11:28 pm

MagicKnight wrote:
Finally, don't use toxic people as a personal excuse to not improve your life. Use them as a way to remind you that something very important must be done today that will take you away from these people, away from their influence and their words.

I'm not, and that's the other part of this, from my end, meaning it's my problem. Because I have these people in my life and I can't completely get away, I obsess about them. I'm constantly thinking about them, running their crap behaviour towards me over in my head, dreading when we will have to see each other next, wishing I didn't have to, desperately running schemes and getting frustrated at the lack of progress on things that could get me out of this situation forever, and even when we're apart it's all about them, because I'm so grateful not to be around them, they're still there in my life because even being away from them is about them. My whole life seems like it's about them, whether we're apart or not.
And that's my issue. Getting them out as much as I can is one aspect, but I'm aware that me getting my own life so everything isn't just about them is the other. But that's hard - independent living is difficult for me. I'm working on it.


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MagicKnight
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25 Sep 2017, 12:37 pm

C2V wrote:
Getting them out as much as I can is one aspect, but I'm aware that me getting my own life so everything isn't just about them is the other. But that's hard - independent living is difficult for me. I'm working on it.


I wish you good luck. I've been there wearing that shirt in the past and I know how tight that is.



BuyerBeware
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25 Sep 2017, 4:29 pm

Some of them?? I have cut off, family or not. When your relatives are heroin addicts and drug dealers, selling hot s**t, participating in organizing and instigating politically motivated violence, and they don't want to do anything about any of it (besides score better drugs and have more money, whether they get it honest or not), it doesn't matter any more that you're family and your kids love the s**t out of their kids. It's time to GO.

Or else I just refuse to give in to their manipulation and demands, and they eventually inform me that I'm "not a very good friend" and they don't want to talk to me anymore. Then when they change their minds, I delete the text/ignore the message/don't answer the phone.

The rest of them?? The ones I can't find a socially sanctioned reason to get rid of??

I die, slowly, a little bit more every season.

Since the ones I can't get rid of are a generation older than me, I guard myself carefully, share nothing more that they can hurt me with, and hope they will literally die while there is still some metaphoric life left in me.


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Chronos
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25 Sep 2017, 4:34 pm

C2V wrote:
This has finally really dawned on me after a recent incident.
However there are some awkward circumstances - we're related. I cannot just cut them out of my life, clean. I'm forced to have connections to them out of periodic co-dependency.
I'm working on my side of that, so I will never be dependent on them again, but it's gradual. I don't have the money to enact my whole plan and even if I did, there's the element of dependency on me, which involves obligation, manipulation, guilt-tripping, etc. Drama.
So.
Some ideas suggested in articles LIKE THIS ONE seem to be on the right track. So far I have -
1. Limited contact - there may be co-dependency still, so I have to maintain some sense of status quo, but that doesn't mean I have to expose myself unnecessarily. I can limit the amount of contact to just, say, once a week, or if kept in close proximity for now, limit contact as much as possible, don't get involved, keep things superficial.
2. "Boundaries" - I have done it subtly before, by making certain topics "off limits," but part of a toxic situation is people don't respect those kinds of boundaries so it seems oxymoronic to suggest that as a strategy. Still, I have started being more consistent, saying "we've talked about this before, I'm not going to talk about it again," then changing the subject and refusing to engage.
3. Reorienting responsibility - others expect me to deal with it so they can continue taking no responsibility. I have started saying NO. I am not available - someone else has to step up for a change. If this person can't cope, then a plan has to be made to distribute responsibility evenly or even seek professional help - because it's no longer going to be dumped on me. It's not fair to expect me to sacrifice my own life just to "fix" someone else's, who makes no effort to help / take responsibility for themselves. This is very difficult for me as I am not used to shirking responsibility at all, a fact that people take advantage of me for. It's difficult to be consistent and say no I won't and stick to it, and deny taking on the guilting and manipulation and demands that come with it, but I am working on it, and have definitely started doing it.
4. Engineer long term plans to eventually get out completely - ideally set up conditions that free me from having to be involved. This is hard too because people are so used to me taking all the burden for this, me suddenly refusing causes problems - like what are they supposed to do about the situation now. There is drama involved, but I'm hoping it's short term drama that when settled, will save me from long-term constant drama which has just got too much.
So - opinions on the above? How does everyone else recommend dealing with a toxic situation and / or people you can't just completely cut out of your life? Ever had to deal with this kind of thing before? What did you do?


I think those are good ways to deal with toxic people.