I feel like no one wants me to have a girlfriend

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I actually do live in the Bible Belt. Marknis is mainly seeking validation and empathy. He's not interested in taking responsibility for the position he's in. It's always easier to blame your circumstances and/or other people than to actually try doing what it takes, which might mean getting out of your comfort zone and making changes, to achieve your goals.

The first obvious solution, assuming the Bible Belt really is the source of the problem, is to simply move somewhere else. I wanted to study music composition in college. Trouble was there weren't any strong graduate composition programs in Mississippi. So I met other composers and found the best thing for me to do was go to New York and try out one of the SUNY campuses. It worked out GREAT for me. I'm back home now, have been for 14 years now, and my music career is, well, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I have some options. Move to LA and try to break into film or television. Or I could move to Nashville and work my way into Contemporary Christian music. Or help put a band together and go on tour. I can do any number of things, but that would also mean displacing my family and taking too many risks that might not even be worth it.

Point being you can try taking the risk to move elsewhere IF it might be worth it. I had good luck with college, maybe I could recreate that in the professional world. Maybe Marknis could do better moving somewhere else.

The problem with moving out...well, there are a few problems. For one, the aforementioned risk. A young, single, unattached guy really has nothing to lose, whereas MY decisions affect too many people for me to be careless.

The other big problem with moving away is that you don't give yourself a chance to bloom where you're planted. I could conceivably get a solid career going HERE and THEN move to Nashville upon being offered a steady gig. If I'm struggling HERE, what makes me think I could make it in Nashville? Same thing with Marknis and the gf situation. If he's having problems with girls where he IS, why does he think his problems wouldn't follow him when he moves?

I realize I'm getting repetitive here. Redneck/Bible Belt girls are NOT clones of each other. In my classroom, I have 12 girls. Demographics are black, white, and biracial, grades 7-10, lower to upper middle class with one farmer's daughter with attitude to match. Not a single one of those girls are anything alike. My guitar player is a girl who can legitimately brag about her ability to skin a beaver (I can't make this up). Another girl rides horses in rodeos and wins prize money from that. Some of them like anime and are surprised that I can discuss anime, too. Some of them listen to country music. Some like gospel music, some like CCM, or a mix of both. Some wear makeup, some don't. Some have natural hair, some have weave. Understanding that these are kids I'm talking about, who they are seems to change every day. But the point is they are not cookie-cutter kids, and their parents aren't cookie-cutter parents. One of the fathers I deal with is an investigator with a sheriff's department and is one of the most humble guys I know--and he's a big time redneck guy.

I realize my demographics aren't a snapshot of ALL Bible Belt demographics. I've lived in different places, enough to know who cruel and backwards SOME populations can be. My first teaching gig was in a place like that. Absolutely miserable people. But that place was not so isolated I couldn't drive half an hour and hang out with other people.

But even if I HAD been stuck there, it takes time to get to know folks and try to understand them. It's the Golden Rule. Reciprocity. People are greedy, selfish, and want to feel important. Once you focus on PEOPLE, you begin to see that they really aren't all alike. It's really simple. You meet a girl, you find out what she likes to do. Then you immerse yourself in HER interests. Find some way to incorporate yourself into that area of her life. You don't have to be interested in those kinds of things when you first meet her. As long as you are interested in HER, you will BECOME interested in her kinds of things. And when you're really into that, she'll take interest in you. Apply the Golden Rule. In order to be interesting, you must first BE INTERESTED. If she likes tractors, then you need to learn all you can about tractors. Heck, if she knows a lot about tractors because she's fascinated by tractors, get her to tell you all she can about them. Ask questions. Keep her talking. She won't leave you alone for very long after that, and at the very least you'll have a good friend.

You can say that you don't want to integrate into the culture. But if you can't care about other people where they are, you can't reasonably expect to get very far with them.

AngelRho, I can't accept what you tell me. Your posts do not inspire any confidence in me nor do they encourage me. The fact you sided with two people who have attacked me here does not help at all.

All I see around me are drunk and smoked out as*holes whenever I am out in the world. The Bible Belt is not some untapped paradise and I have lived here all my life so I know what the culture here is like. I hate that I was born here and if I have to live here for another year, I'll blast my brains out of my skull.

And as I've said before, the Bible Belt has done me few favors. But, such as it is, it's what I've got.

I understand where you're coming from a lot more than you know. I had to experience a lot of stuff firsthand before I could finally accept it. Part of it was the crowd I tended to run with and their negativity, the whole "life's a b!+ch and then you die" mentality. The whole idea that motivational speakers and inspirational authors aren't legit literature, therefore they have no value. Here, read this dark and morbid great American novel... And the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thing is a load of crap.

The more I began taking on leadership roles and being exposed to those kinds of people, about all I heard was motivational and inspirational. Then I began to see the Bible in a whole different light (I've been a believer as far back as I remember, I just never fully appreciated the Bible for all that's in it). And then I began to see pretty much EVERYTHING in a whole different light. I'm not trying to play resident Gideon and push the Bible on you, I'm just saying it meant a lot to ME and took on a radically different meaning--I began to see connections between secular inspirational works and the practical advice from scripture. That's when it occurred to me that humanity really hasn't changed in all these thousands of years. So whenever I heard "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kinds of speeches and put leadership advice to work, I found it more often than not proven to be true. Any time I'd moan to someone established in the music biz about my current situation, I'd invariably hear "bloom where you're planted." And I'm thinking, dude, I'm withering on the vine here. I can't bloom where there's no water. Yet there IS water and nourishment here. It's the roots I'm putting down that aren't deep enough. Once I could actually SEE that I could make a difference, that things could turn around for me right here, I started to believe in this stuff just a little. Now it's, like, holy CRAP how come I didn't start this earlier in life? But I do my best to speak to my young children about it every day and encourage them to practice this stuff. I try to pass it on to my students.

What most people would tell me is how much easier it is to gripe and complain about my situation than to actually do something about it. Took it a long time to sink in, but it's true. And if you actually do experience what I'm talking about, you'll easily accept it. Just like I had to experience so much firsthand before I really believed any of this stuff, you'll likely find that you accept it more easily once you start getting results. What I mean is a lot of times I did things people said not because I bought into it or believed it, but rather more or less because I HAD to. Or sometimes I was just so desperate for results I'd read anything, do anything. My favorite was always Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.. There were others. 48 Laws of Power--there's stuff in that book that STILL sends chills down my spine. The Art of Deception. Most recently it was Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Also, Ramsey's Entreleadership. Acuff's Start. And, of course, the Holy Bible. Favorite version is HCSB, though I'm considering a switch to the HCB (same thing with a few minor tweaks, such as not using God's proper name because of a dispute on how it's supposed to be pronounced rather than simply using the traditional "LORD"). I have a study Bible that focuses on apologetics, and I think I learned more about the Bible with that than anything else I've ever done. The point being is the Bible details the lives and actions of a number of influential leaders, to include prophets, priests, and other spiritual leaders along with kings and ultimately Jesus Himself. There's a wealth of timeless knowledge in there. Biblical instructions regarding contentious women factored heavily into me breaking up with my gf/fiancée of 6 years. There's so much truth in all the "warm and fuzzy" inspirational literature out there. I hope you can give some of that good stuff an HONEST chance and start to believe it.

You'll find more opportunity outside of the Bible belt. You should run, not walk. I went to college in Arkansas and I can assure you, I learned a thing or two about the Bible belt, and none of it was good.

That does crack me up. They say relationships suck balls, how much of a lucky bastard I am that I am a lone rebel, and don't have to deal with the headaches. And yet they always "have" to be with someone. Guess they just got to have a belly warmer.

It's probably just the case that these people don't know what to tell you/don't want to get deep into talking about the subject, so they deem that to be the best form of consolation they can offer, possibly in hopes of changing the subject entirely. If people aren't giving well-thought-out responses to begin with, it's pretty safe to assume they lack the capability or the interest to do so, and this likely won't change through the course of the conversation.

I truly feel bad for Marknis’s situation. Everyone can relate to being in a bad situation and just wanting to know others are on our side.

My problem is I’m less one to empathize and validate and more for getting the situation fixed. When someone doesn’t WANT to fix the situation, there’s not much I can offer to help. And a lot of people on here have tried, through either validation or through practical advice, to help Marknis improve things.

The point people make more often is that Marknis’s problems are deeper than just getting a gf. The problems in question are directly responsible for his lack of attractiveness to girls. He doesn’t own his deficiencies, but rather assigns blame to dad, older brother, and Bible Belt society, not taking into account that there is less influence now from dad and bro than in the past, and his immediate culture is more diverse than he allows himself to believe.

Not only that, but he cannot pursue girls for any other purpose than a romantic relationship. Relationship formation doesn’t actually happen that way; the reality is it involves more time and nuance than what appears on the surface.

With social anxiety together with trying to move too fast and facing rejection, Marknis hasn’t tried/failed enough to see consistent positive results, although he has had at least one gf in the past. The inability to handle rejection well and the unwillingness to adapt to local culture leaves it easier to place blame on others for failure, even though failure is more often the rule and not the exception for everyone.

So about all you can do is feel sorry for the guy.

I know super geeky guys who live in the bible belt who have a wife and kids. They have some of the same hobbies I do. Which is how I know them.

I've seen some of his posts in the past, and to a degree I can empathise as someone who doesn't have an encouraging track record as it relates to love. But if all you're going to do is knock everyone's suggestions then you must think you know better, and if you know better, nothing fruitful comes from asking others in the first place.

Its rough living in the backward parts of the countryside but not impossible.

Australian rednecks are known as Bogans and you could say most of my family and their friends are trashy bogans.

It ain't pretty.

It feels like the selection of girls my age are too influenced by their families so they tend to have a 2 year old kid at age 18, the baby daddy ex an alcoholic prison dodging scumbag nowhere to be fround, she herself smokes, drinks too much, poor hygiene and physical and mental health, lives in a dirty disgusting house. Her father either an abusive no show alcoholic or if you're lucky actually a decent, hearty compassionate redneck overprotective of his daughter at first to her boyfriend but one of the nicest and most loyal men once the young fella earns his trust, loves his liquor but stays fun on it.

Its all about your luck Markinis.

The girl could be an already pregnant trashy type or she could actually be a really cool laidback kind of tomboy who might dress a little frumpy but is really sweet and caring.

Her dad could be a scumbag or he could be the hearty type I mentioned earlier.

Her.mother could be a toxic abusive woman or one of those single stay at home mom types who may not always have lots of money or the best car or house but a.big heart and really cares about her children.

Her.brother could be a pickup truck drivin MMA-lovin, fight startin, booze drinkin, campin fishin guy or he could be "different" like you.

Test your luck...

I have taken other people's suggestions and some of them like trying internet dating again, speed dating, and calling a dating service did not work out for me.
It gets discouraging when you don't have any positive results, especially when a large number of people do the same things and manage to excel at them.

Exactly! When my cousin gets married at 26 it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. Even though he's younger than me, perhaps I'm less mature than him.

My younger brother is engaged and is 6 years younger than me. One of my younger cousins who is even younger than him also got married and had a baby over the summer.

I used to hope "God's plan" would come through for me. If there is a God, we need to talk.

Way ahead of ya. E.g. Why did God's perfect design for me include bad memory, easily fatigued, slow metabolism organisation problems, slow to mature, anxiety and an inability to read social cues?

Why did God design people are smarter, more charismatic, better looking effortlessly remember stuff, don't get tired and can eat whatever they want without ever getting fat?

If there is a God I think he's a 14 year old boy playing the Sims who tries to kill off his Sims with cruel deaths. When he made me he didn't use all of the Sim stat points. When he made some of my neighbors he used the money cheat.

God agrees with you.

I seem to be getting dragged back down into apologetics lately.

The world as God created it was perfect. The world as it exists is the result of man’s attempt to improve on perfection. God’s intervention in THIS world is merely a compromise to make a fallen creation at least livable. Because of that, evil people succeed and good people fail. The only question that really matters is what you do with God.

But yeah, it can seem that way. Could always be worse. If there was a “better” way, we might not even be here.