How to deal with an angry classmate?
I am currently attending some classes for people with problems. The classes deal with assertiveness, communication, empathy, body languages and also some art so I find them pretty helpful and I don't want to drop out.
But there is a classmate that finds me annoying for some reason - apparently she can't focus because I am interrupting the teacher. The classes are pretty open - they are held in something between lecture and groupwork so there is a lot of chatting, questions and brainstorm and I happen to be very active, that doesn't work well with my problems recognizing when someone is simply taking a breath or stopped speaking and I can start. I learn the best by asking questions and talking with teacher and I am a fast thinker so I often end up interrupting. And I am not the only one doing it - if I don't decide right away to speak out or not someone else starts speaking and there are times 2 or more people start speaking at once and one of them must stop. It's a bit annoying when someone is speaking at the same time as I do (I usually back off then) but generally I like the environment and it's fun.
But recently I am returning home upset, because the girl takes every chance she gets to criticize me. It makes a bad atmosphere and makes me feel guilty and angry, especially since noone else seems to be bothered by the interruptions. I tried not to interrupt but I couldn't say anything then because someone else was speaking faster than me or at the same time I did so I felt ignored and I even started crying.
Eventually I asked the teacher for help and we developed a rule to raise hands before speaking - and it worked for a while, but soon people started forgetting to raise they hands and it wasn't really necessary - the discussion is more natural when you don't have to do that. And we won't really be raising hands during breaks, where conflicts happen too.
An example:
End of art class. A guy sitting right next to me is finishing his piece. The girl comes to us and asks the guy:
- What is it?
- I don't know. - he says.
- It could be a brick... or a box... how about a pencil case? - I join in, giving ideas.
- Yes, that could be it... Possible... Yeah... - the guy answers, quite enthusiastically if you ask me.
- I am talking to him, not you! Don't interrupt when other people are talking! I asked him a question and wanted him to answer! - the girl starts nagging.
- He said "I don't know" so I gave him ideas. - I protect myself.
But she continues nagging and won't listen to anything I say. Eventually she leaves the room, upset.
I asked other classmates afterwards what is her deal. They said:
- She apparently wanted to speak with the guy one on one because he was absent last week and she missed him.
So I said:
- I was also absent last week. What if I missed him too and want some talking done, after being locked home for a whole week without any human contact?
- The conclusion is: You can't be absent. - They said, looking at the guy(= you was him not me).
Everyone laughs, me included.
How should I deal with her? Noone else seems bothered but she has some problem with me and me only and it makes me very uncomfortable. I am feeling my social phobia coming back when she criticizes me because I am not sure if thats everyone opinion about my behaviour but they simply don't say it out loud or she is really the only one.
I've dealt with someone like this, though she was a mentor, not a fellow class mate.
If no one else seems bothered, I'd say ignore her. If you can't, just ask the teacher what they think about your conduct in class. They might be able to help you.
But yeah, some people are spiteful just to be spiteful.
If no one else seems bothered, I'd say ignore her. If you can't, just ask the teacher what they think about your conduct in class. They might be able to help you.
But yeah, some people are spiteful just to be spiteful.
What was she like?
Sounds like she's just mean because she has something against you, but then again it is also possible that she is socially clumsy, wants attention or something and in her eyes you tend to get in the way of her getting attention... I mean you did say that the class you're in deals a lot with communication and the like, so wouldn't it be logical to think that a classmate of yours has some trouble with things like that?
You could try asking her straight out what exactly it is about you that annoys her and, if her reasons seem understandable to you, try to stop doing whatever it is.
If you can, just ignore her. It's not your responsibility to disperse her anger - that's her job. You're here to study. But, if she's becoming too much, tell your teacher or your school guidance counselor. They'll be able to assess the situation and find a mutually benefiting solution.
I'm not sure about talking to her. Talking means confrontation, and sometimes confrontation throws oil in the fire.
As of now, stick to learning, ignore her, and maybe schedule a meeting with your teachers or school guidance counselor.
When people have something against you like that, it's usually about them, not you.
If you ask her what she's got against you, she will come up with some random crap that is not really the truth. Then you'll spend a lot of energy trying to fix that issue, when in reality her problem is most likely that she's one of those people who always needs someone to hate.
Notice that the other people in your class don't have anything against you. She probably just thought you are more vulnerable than them, which is why she picked you.
I think any confrontations with her will have to be done in front of the class. Then she'll have to be civil.
It might be worth talking to the teacher about it; depends what the teacher is like.
Edit: she might also have singled you out because she sees you as competing for attention. which then tells you something about her.
_________________
I sometimes leave conversations and return after a long time. I am sorry about it, but I need a lot of time to think about it when I am not sure how I feel.
If no one else seems bothered, I'd say ignore her. If you can't, just ask the teacher what they think about your conduct in class. They might be able to help you.
But yeah, some people are spiteful just to be spiteful.
What was she like?
Borderline criminal.
To keep it brief:
She spent months creating problems for me while she was my mentor, without me realizing there were any problem
Arranged for me to be alone with her for months in another state
Once there, started insulting me and my family, then calling me a cry baby when I reacted
Told me I was too dumb for my job
Forced her way into my room to criticize every part of it, and accuse me of fraud
Used the "evidence" in my room, a working computer, to try and get me fired over the problem she had created months earlier
Asked her friend to pretend to sympathize in order to get more information, to continue with the "get me fired" plot
I doubt the classmate is that bad, but reading it reminded me of my problems with my ex-mentor. Smaller scale, but the same kind of person.
I grew up with my parents telling me to punch 'em in the nose as a last resort, though I don't imagine that would work well in this situation.
Personally, I would confront her, one on one. Currently, I'm dealing with something similar with this dude that, I found out, has been holding grudges against me since early 2015 (like wow). He's got some serious problems, and basically hates confrontation -- however, confrontation has made him submissive at the least. Still, he's nasty behind my back.
So, perhaps give confrontation some thought. Ultimately, you'll have a better idea than any of us as to how she will or might react.
Best of luck (luck is the residue of good design)!
_________________
"It’s not until they tell you you’re going to die soon that you realize how short life is. Time is the most valuable thing in life because it never comes back. And whether you spend it in the arms of a loved one or alone in a prison-cell, life is what you make of it. Dream big."
-Stefán Karl Stefánsson
10 July, 1975 - 21 August, 2018.
I don't know if she has a romantic interest on that guy (I doubt so because she seems to be way older than us - probably twice our age, and older than all of our teachers, she turned out to be a former college professor, apparently) but that guy... invited me to something that looked like a date today (Im not sure but he took me out for a dinner and paid for me and hugged me).
Could it be she read his interest and that's why she was so angry with me? Perhaps she is thinking we are flirting in class and it pissed her off or something?
Or perhaps I was acting flirtatious without realizing it? I do find this guy interesting and nice so I often sit near him and we talk a lot but it's not a crime, it's normal to make friends between classmates, right?