My Mum thinks I'm autistic, so misinterpreting abusive past

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So he'll use your traits in order to spark the argument. Does he do the blame game as well, pinning it on you and saying that your traits were the cause of things?



The possibility of being on the spectrum has really shaken me. If I was, I would have to re-evaluate everything about how I saw myself - that I thought my issues only appeared in response to childhood events, and would disappear completely with effort. Some traits existing previously, not caused by anyone, and part of who I am... It would take an adjustment, that's for sure. It would be simplest and easiest if I wasn't.

However, the possibility of a solid, tangible explanation of many of my experiences, that I can predict and specifically address, is attractive. Would make it more tackleable.

Won't know until I can (hopefully) get an assessment.



Thanks


Not asking you or anyone else reading this to diagnose me, just trying to get things clearer, and you seem knowledgeable!

I'm reading up on it all, and there's some things that I'm not quite understanding, because descriptions are quite varied and vague. There's an experience I've had that I never found an explanation for. I'm now wondering if it could be a 'shutdown'? Of course my mental health issues are complex because of the childhood thing, so this experience may not be relevant here even if I was autistic. Please tell me straight out if you think it's not at all, as this is quite possibly hopeful thinking at finding an explanation.

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I call them 'brain crunches', and used to get them quite a bit when stressed&emotional, though the actual trigger isn't always clear.

It feels like my head is at high pressure, and collapses in on itself like gears crushed so that they no longer turn. I may smack my head, shake/twitch my head, put hands over my head or ears, rock, stop moving, and/or repeat an identical phrase a couple of times (yes, I have done that in public before, oops). It's not compulsive that I must do those odd things, and I have controlled it subtly in the office, but it's preferable just to let it out naturally. Focus goes like things are switching off, so I may be unaware of what's around me or less aware e.g. blurred vision. Then it passes pretty quickly (minutes).

It's like I've tried to run too much, ERROR ERROR ERROR, reboot.
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The only suggestion I've had when I asked the internet is epilepsy, which I have no other reason to believe I have, so I rejected that. I've been considering it a kind of panic attack, but the symptoms don't really fit - I feel overwhelmed rather than panicked.

If you're wondering, I did attempt to seek answers to my issues on national healthcare ages ago, but it's very underfunded here so took a long time going nowhere. My intent this time is to go private, so that I can actually have a psychiatrist go over things.

Not so much. He's not so much abusive as a jerk.



Could be. For myself, I kind of hack at one particular issue -- perseveration or sensory issues or whatever -- as they come up.

In some ways I think there can be some overlap between being on the spectrum and having dealt with trauma. In both cases your mind is working kind of differently than most people's. For example, dissociation is associated with both groups. Someone on the spectrum has issues with different aspects of the brain talking to each other from the git go; trauma can change someone's brain so the different aspects don't talk to each other as well.

Even when it comes to the challenges reading other people's emotions and predicting what they'll do and things, there's a certain amount of overlap, because, particularly when it comes to those dealing with abusive families, there's a lot of gaslighting and mixed messages going on that I suspect could confuse an NT child's ability to read faces and the like. If mom screams at you while insisting she is not angry, or where someone hurts you while insisting it's for your own good, that makes it hard to be confident that you're reading other people's emotions correctly I should think.

Childhood trauma can change the brain pretty permanently; I know NT people who dealt with childhood abuse whose symptoms never truly "disappear completely with effort" -- however, they learn to manage them pretty effectively. I would think that understanding your symptoms and knowing what to do to head off a shut down or meltdown or getting triggered would be a help whether the symptoms were caused by trauma or by being on the spectrum. Being aware of and managing your stressors is key in both cases.

I would call your "brain crunches" a form of shut down, but again, someone whose brain has been traumatized might experience some of the same things when triggered. Not everyone on the spectrum, or everyone who has been abused, necessarily recognizes their triggers. I don't think it sounds like epilepsy (from what i can tell, few if any epileptics have any control over their seizures).

But of course I'm not a doctor nor do I claim to be one. What I believe is that we all have the responsibility to be our "first resource" -- doctors and other professionals are a great resource, but ultimately, they're dealing with traits and trends, while you're dealing with your personal specifics. They can give you a lot of useful techniques and approaches, but you're the one who'll have to specialize in your issues and on how everything interconnects. So I would say, don't be too shaken by the idea of being on the spectrum. Yeah, there's gonna be some reevaluation, but life is a constant reevaluation as we get more information on who and what we are.

But that reevaluation may not end up being as extensive as you may be thinking. As you come to make more sense to yourself, you may be able to change things in order to accomplish what you really want to do whether the issues come from being from on the spectrum, or from past traumas. Or you may discover that some of your goals are unrealistic and need a bit of adjustment. But you're not suddenly someone different, y'know? You knew you had some challenges, and you still have some challenges. Maybe, instead of discovering new limitations should you be diagnosed as on the spectrum, you'll end up finding new resources. You never know.

Ah I had a schoolfriend in a similar situation, not abusive but her Mum did like to set off arguments.



Thank you once again for being so in depth.

Seems to me that the psych's interest will be when the earliest is that I can be sure each trait began. I will have very limited time and won't want to pay out for multiple sessions, so I need to have done the preparation I can do beforehand.

I've now started a little annotated version of the DSM criteria, marking out what I think I've got or could have (using this link as a guide), and the earliest each is known to have existed.

So far the majority of traits I've matched to the criteria actually have evidence from young childhood, which surprised me.

Planning to get my ex, Dad, and Dad's wife (... maybe not my Mum) to summarise issues visible to them. As I appear quite 'normal' (my ex said he was surprised when he realised my head is not all there), could do with taking perspectives of others with me.

I think I should also repeat the process for similarly presenting conditions, and list out my main issues in general (not attached to any label).

I think that's a plan. Any suggestions on things I should do pre-assessment are welcome.

All sounds good to me. I know having it all written down makes it a lot easier. Also, good medical people tend to appreciate that sort of thing, while the controlling ones can get all flustered, so being prepared can almost serve as an early warning system, to boot!