Long friendship with Aspie . . . I give up

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It is obviously not possible to put all the details of a 2 year relationship into an anonymous post on a forum, nor would anyone, as there are some things that one keeps to oneself because some things should remain private. That said, when someone says they feel closer to you than any other person, then Yea, they clearly and in no uncertain terms consider you a close friend. There aren't a lot of ways for that to mean something else. But when you say that something they said or did hurt you and they say they won't participate in your sympathy fishing, we'll that's pretty clear too that the person doesn't give a hoot about you. What is not clear is that the two statements are coming from the same person. All the time. Back and forth, I care for you/I hate you. But more like, when I need a friend, you are my friend. When you want to be close, get lost. I have not heard from him in months. I will not contact him because his last communication with me was mean and harsh, and he ignored my response. If ever he felt anything for me or if ever he wanted me in his life, he will have to resume contact. I can't play the give him allowances for being aspie forever. That doesn't mean I'm over him because I'm not. Yes, I wish for that contact to happen every single day. But it's not and it probably won't. And he either doesn't even care and never even thinks of me at all, or he does but doesn't know what to say (and then one day he'll regret it if he realizes I could have been the friend he could have had). But I'll never know. The lack of some kind of closure is maddening.

One other thing that might he worth pointing out is that I think the difference between AnbGables friend and mine is that they managed to get into the friend zone, where me and my friend did not fully get there. We were in a professional relationship and were moving towards friendship as he was about to leave the workplace for another job. As he was going through that transition I tried so hard to keep things going such that we could be friends, but without that daily contact it never happened. When he was here he went out of his way to be around me. Now he's just gone.

So Ann can at least try to talk to her friend, where right now I can't and in the past when I tried I was just ignored. My friend just acted like it was all kind of awkward to have contact outside of work after he left, yet hanging out together in the workplace during non working hours just for no reason or having electronic conversations all night long when we were working together was okay.????? Seems he controls the boundaries, and he can change and push them but the status of that is a great mystery that he won't share, but if I violate those unknown and changing boundaries, he gets mad. Maybe it's about those boundaries somehow being facts of the universe like previously stated. But still makes it seem like he didn't know what he wanted, so long as it was clear that it wasn't okay for me to want anything. Yet I miss him still. I'm such a sap.

That . . . . . .. am I just useful to my friend. Is an issue.

When I am feeling low I can think that I am just convenient as a friend. I drive us everywhere. Include him in many social events. My friends become his friends.

Sometimes it seems as if he treats new aquintances so much better than he treats me . . . .. . That’s tough

I hear you. I was on a pedastool for a very long time. Like he was a jerk to everyone else except me. It made me feel really special. And this is not one sided wishful thinking, he was extra nice in no uncertain terms. He was always kind to me, until he wasn't anymore. At that point he started making stuff up like "professional distance". That hurt because I don't know why he all of a sudden wanted to keep things professional..... Though even after that if he wanted closeness, guess what? He'd pull me close. I respond in kind? Then he'd push me away. Part of me thinks it's like that disrespect through familiarity thing. Like a pesky little brother... You can smack them upside the head but look out if anyone else tries to touch him, right? The closer we got, the less polite and kind he needed to be. But it's still not okay to treat me like he did. Maybe it's similar with your friend, he doesn't feel he has to work so hard because he knows you love him already and you're not going anywhere. With mine, I think he got freaked out that he could be building something more out of a professional relationship with someone older than him. I don't think he knew how to process that. I only wish I knew if he found the idea of that just repulsive or simply just an unknown he was afraid to navigate.

This is the way it is in the world, it seems:

People regard "novelty"--new things--as interesting.

This includes new people, unfortunately.

I've felt rejected by how my old friends embrace new people, and seem to take me for granted.

That I'm like old shoes: sort of ragged.....but necessary and hard to separate from.

I, only half-jokingly, call it "lost puppy syndrome", and I'm a swine for it (excuse the ugly mixed metaphor!). It's hard to describe just how much easier social situations are when I am "chaperoned", and I have often spent a whole evening hovering at the shoulder of the person I turned up with, secretly wishing that they will break the ice on my behalf. In part, it's because seeing a stranger interact with someone that I already know very well gives me lots of clues about how the stranger might react to me - I can do a little "amateur anthropology/psychology", so to speak, by observing from the safety of my friend's shadow.


With strangers there is no question that the interaction will be relatively superficial, and much less to lose if I mess things up! So, less overthinking of things, less self-consciousness. It might sound odd, but if he finds it more difficult to act "naturally" around you, it's probably a sign that he does care a lot about you, because the thought of messing things up is causing him a lot of anxiety (ironically leading him to mess things up!)


I've heard that often enough from friends in any kind of relationship, that I suspect it is not specific to someone on the spectrum. If there is a difference, it is maybe that the person's "default personality" when not trying to impress is different and so more noticeable/hurtful, rather than that they are more likely to take somebody for granted per-se.

It's more than just treating someone like an old pair of shoes (a role I'd gladly play) and it is different for these men on the spectrum than other people. At least in my case, there isn't just a familiar disrespect or lack of needing to try that is that going on, but it goes further into this thing he had about pushing me away. Again, that either means "I don't really like you at all" or it means "I'm scared to death of a relationship with you, even tho if I didn't have asperger's, I'd be showing you how madly in love I am with you". OK, so my examples are over the top, but you can probably see my point.

An example. Recently we went to my friends gig (she has become his friend too, and is one of my few friends who understands why I am so reluctant to let go of him) he gave her with a flourish and a hug a cd of one of his favourite bands that he had seen the previous night. . . .. . . . Lovely you may think - apart from he knows I love that band too - and we have had a discussion about how he never invites me when he goes to watch them . . .. . . . . .he didn’t get me a cd . . .. . . .. .


But he did then realise he had mucked up . . . .. as soon as he could get me on my own he said “are you ok” “I will buy you a cd I promise, that is actually my cd and I just Thought it would be a nice gift . . . . .. .

But I have yet to see cd

And so I end up in same place I began


Meurgh

No! I did not understand you at all. I meant MORE FACTS not EXPLAIN YOUR INTERPRETATION OF WHAT YOU ASSUME HE IS THINKING/FEELING.

I am a 42 year old woman who only knows NT's and you are totally baffling me with your way of communicating.

I think you have just confused the h**l out of him.

I realise my example sounds petty . . . . .but it is just an example of how he appears to think of others and what would be nice and kind things to do for them . . . . . .. .with me less so if at all.

And I have done an awful lot for this guy in recent months . . . .. .

Thank you for your clarity, it is much appreciated

I can see why you feel taken for granted. Do not be subtle in reminding him of his obligations, what many will consider rude, can be very helpful to an Aspie

Looking back I can definitely see that I have taken people for granted at times, I did appreciate them but did not make them aware of this.

I've heard that often enough from friends in any kind of relationship, that I suspect it is not specific to someone on the spectrum. If there is a difference, it is maybe that the person's "default personality" when not trying to impress is different and so more noticeable/hurtful, rather than that they are more likely to take somebody for granted per-se.[/quote

Yes.

Just had a message to say cd ordered . . . . . .spooky . . . . .unless . . . . .. . . . .one of you guys?.?

This part I recognise, and is partly what I meant by the "default personality" being different once the initial flush of excitement has worn off. I think that if he has such fears, then it comes down to whether he is able and willing to talk about them, because you can't allay his fears unless he acknowledges them. And when I say "talk about them", yes, that could mean that some kind of therapy would be in order. This would be true of any person who is suffering from profound insecurity, of course, though maybe harder to deal with as the source of the insecurity is more innate than it would be in a person who was relationship adverse because of, say, a specific bad past experience.


That's the tricky bit, and is more specific. "Not having asperger's" is a hypothetical situation which is unimaginable to somebody with asperger's - profoundly unimaginable, not just difficult. While I appreciate that you are exaggerating a little to make your point (as I am also), this part sounds like you are projecting. You can't know how he would behave without asperger's any more than he can himself - he would be a different person completely, and you might never even have clicked in the first place. It is essentially saying that you want him to be a different person, where you get to keep only the bits that you like. Only you can decide if his autistic traits are something you can live with, but essentially that is what it boils down to, just the same as any other relationship where the other person has traits which cause you pain.


He realised he messed up at least, so that's a good sign. One possibility here is that he is indirectly trying to impress you by showing how much he wants to be part of your "out in the world" life. He could be trying a little too hard to demonstrate that he approves of your choice of company, and how much he can "fit in" to your social life.


Any chance he could be reading this and has recognised himself?

Oh please don't misunderstand me, my comment was a gross exaggeration of what he might be feeling, but no, I would not change him. Once we were having a close talk and he was having difficulties with it and he said "you know I have asperger's, right?" which he knew I knew. But he said something about being flawed and I corrected him saying that it is all of his constituent parts that make him who he is and that's part of him. The truth is that there are a lot of bits and pieces of him that I love so much that are a direct result of his asperger's. My comment was just trying to say that if he didn't have such trouble communicating, maybe he wouldn't be so uncomfortable. And I feel like I will never know if the issue is that discomfort or if he just doesn't care for me at all, and I really was just a utility function to him while he had easy daily access to me and now he doesn't so I just don't matter anymore. I have no idea.

As far as being more concrete, I've given examples here but also in other posts. I do not think anyone would care for me to repeat all that here.

I'm going to have to agree with hurtloam in that. I don't really know her story but if she believed that some guy was into her, I'd believe he was, because I am pretty darn sure my aspie friend cared about me too. Then he just didn't one day. The question becomes why did they all if a sudden seem to change their minds? Did they not feel it anymore or did they still feel something but run away out of fear? I, for one, will probably never know the real truth.