Long friendship with Aspie . . . I give up

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But these confusing things happen between ALL humans, not just with Aspie men.

Hello Imhere

First I see that you have feelings for this person and you are very hurt. Second the highlighting is to make the bits I mean clear, they are not meant to sound shouted or sarcastic.

You have spent time with this Aspie and others but you have not understood the basics. Your posts are full of hints and things open to interpretation. eg HE GOT MEAN, HE SAID THINGS THAT WERE CRUEL. Right at the end you got into facts but then HE GOT MEAN again. And you used lots and lots of words to get across that complete absence of facts and you did this thinking you were communicating with Aspies, so no you are not understanding at all, I think you are being kind and patient with him, possibly too kind and patient, that is not the same thing.

Another example is you did not answer my question about change (you may have done this in a way that you think would be clear to anyone, it wasn't to me)

Was one of the signs that he cared, that he asked you how you felt about him a lot? or he's curious, you're an NT female, he is unlikely to have much idea of how NT females feel but he will be aware that that deficit in his understanding is a problem love/sex/relationships. He is much less likely to understand that you may read things into his curiosity that were not said.

I recommend this, say to him or better still write down and give him a note 'I am confused, do you want nothing to do with me, do you want a loving relationship with me, do you want to be good friends with me, were you saying what you thought appropriate for sex.' DEMAND clarification (that was a shout) he will respect a need nor clarification.

I babysat for my sister (5 children) across 20 years, an unbelievably stressful thing for someone who cannot multitask, I told her she had a right to be happy through the dumping of three husbands, though I did not slate them. I was always there for her, and she did know that because you don't phone someone at 3am when your abusive ex has turned up at your home unless you think they are going to immediately come over, which I did and held her hand (at my instigation) though the police call and the exes ranting ect. And lots of little things, like when food shopping I would see if there was something on offer for her too, and free things from work I get lots for her as well as myself.

What I didn't do was keep up with her life on facebook, (we live a 5 min walk apart) I didn't chat on the phone for hours (I can't do tone of voice) I did occasionally socialise but YES I had to be dragged out, even though I can cope with it, I only enjoy very small parties with people I know or are calm.

Imhere

What I meat to put in my last post,it got away from me, is that you should judge him by what he said and what he did, not on what you have assumed he meant, take him literally.

If you still think he's wrong, tell him, it may come as a surprise to him (I have been wrong, and it was a complete shock and the main reason I asked to be assessed for Asperger's).

I did not mean to suggest in my long post that all the responsibility for communication was on the NT's side. As an only recently diagnosed Aspie I am aware of adapting what I say depending on whether the person is NT or on the spectrum because of the different ways things can be interpreted that is why I was so surprised that you did not seem aware of this.

I have discussed on this forum my feelings more than I have done to any of my previous friends, why?, because here my problems and issues are accepted as real, therefore I am able to express them without being told I only think I have a problem because I don't have any real problems, such as they have. When I try to explain a problem to NT's, they do not see it as a problem because it wouldn't be one for them, there are only so many times you listen to people who you care about tell you that the most important issues in your life are just you being difficult/silly before you stop.

I also get very incoherent when emotional but most people want to discus these things in casual moments, fitted in around their multi tasking. Open up, move on to a different subject, open up again, bit of texting, something random, more emotion. I cannot do this.

I would love to be able to talk about my feelings, get one out, explain it to someone close, they do the same with theirs, we compare, put it back, get the next feeling out, BUT NO, that's not how it goes. I mention feelings and they get all of theirs out and dump them in one load on top of me and while I am suffocating under them they then demand mine in exchange. When I do not hand them immediately over, for judgement, because they are now hiding in terror, it is assumed that they do not exist

It is obviously not possible to put all the details of a 2 year relationship into an anonymous post on a forum, nor would anyone, as there are some things that one keeps to oneself because some things should remain private. That said, when someone says they feel closer to you than any other person, then Yea, they clearly and in no uncertain terms consider you a close friend. There aren't a lot of ways for that to mean something else. But when you say that something they said or did hurt you and they say they won't participate in your sympathy fishing, we'll that's pretty clear too that the person doesn't give a hoot about you. What is not clear is that the two statements are coming from the same person. All the time. Back and forth, I care for you/I hate you. But more like, when I need a friend, you are my friend. When you want to be close, get lost. I have not heard from him in months. I will not contact him because his last communication with me was mean and harsh, and he ignored my response. If ever he felt anything for me or if ever he wanted me in his life, he will have to resume contact. I can't play the give him allowances for being aspie forever. That doesn't mean I'm over him because I'm not. Yes, I wish for that contact to happen every single day. But it's not and it probably won't. And he either doesn't even care and never even thinks of me at all, or he does but doesn't know what to say (and then one day he'll regret it if he realizes I could have been the friend he could have had). But I'll never know. The lack of some kind of closure is maddening.

One other thing that might he worth pointing out is that I think the difference between AnbGables friend and mine is that they managed to get into the friend zone, where me and my friend did not fully get there. We were in a professional relationship and were moving towards friendship as he was about to leave the workplace for another job. As he was going through that transition I tried so hard to keep things going such that we could be friends, but without that daily contact it never happened. When he was here he went out of his way to be around me. Now he's just gone.

So Ann can at least try to talk to her friend, where right now I can't and in the past when I tried I was just ignored. My friend just acted like it was all kind of awkward to have contact outside of work after he left, yet hanging out together in the workplace during non working hours just for no reason or having electronic conversations all night long when we were working together was okay.????? Seems he controls the boundaries, and he can change and push them but the status of that is a great mystery that he won't share, but if I violate those unknown and changing boundaries, he gets mad. Maybe it's about those boundaries somehow being facts of the universe like previously stated. But still makes it seem like he didn't know what he wanted, so long as it was clear that it wasn't okay for me to want anything. Yet I miss him still. I'm such a sap.

That . . . . . .. am I just useful to my friend. Is an issue.

When I am feeling low I can think that I am just convenient as a friend. I drive us everywhere. Include him in many social events. My friends become his friends.

Sometimes it seems as if he treats new aquintances so much better than he treats me . . . .. . That’s tough

I hear you. I was on a pedastool for a very long time. Like he was a jerk to everyone else except me. It made me feel really special. And this is not one sided wishful thinking, he was extra nice in no uncertain terms. He was always kind to me, until he wasn't anymore. At that point he started making stuff up like "professional distance". That hurt because I don't know why he all of a sudden wanted to keep things professional..... Though even after that if he wanted closeness, guess what? He'd pull me close. I respond in kind? Then he'd push me away. Part of me thinks it's like that disrespect through familiarity thing. Like a pesky little brother... You can smack them upside the head but look out if anyone else tries to touch him, right? The closer we got, the less polite and kind he needed to be. But it's still not okay to treat me like he did. Maybe it's similar with your friend, he doesn't feel he has to work so hard because he knows you love him already and you're not going anywhere. With mine, I think he got freaked out that he could be building something more out of a professional relationship with someone older than him. I don't think he knew how to process that. I only wish I knew if he found the idea of that just repulsive or simply just an unknown he was afraid to navigate.

This is the way it is in the world, it seems:

People regard "novelty"--new things--as interesting.

This includes new people, unfortunately.

I've felt rejected by how my old friends embrace new people, and seem to take me for granted.

That I'm like old shoes: sort of ragged.....but necessary and hard to separate from.

I, only half-jokingly, call it "lost puppy syndrome", and I'm a swine for it (excuse the ugly mixed metaphor!). It's hard to describe just how much easier social situations are when I am "chaperoned", and I have often spent a whole evening hovering at the shoulder of the person I turned up with, secretly wishing that they will break the ice on my behalf. In part, it's because seeing a stranger interact with someone that I already know very well gives me lots of clues about how the stranger might react to me - I can do a little "amateur anthropology/psychology", so to speak, by observing from the safety of my friend's shadow.


With strangers there is no question that the interaction will be relatively superficial, and much less to lose if I mess things up! So, less overthinking of things, less self-consciousness. It might sound odd, but if he finds it more difficult to act "naturally" around you, it's probably a sign that he does care a lot about you, because the thought of messing things up is causing him a lot of anxiety (ironically leading him to mess things up!)


I've heard that often enough from friends in any kind of relationship, that I suspect it is not specific to someone on the spectrum. If there is a difference, it is maybe that the person's "default personality" when not trying to impress is different and so more noticeable/hurtful, rather than that they are more likely to take somebody for granted per-se.

It's more than just treating someone like an old pair of shoes (a role I'd gladly play) and it is different for these men on the spectrum than other people. At least in my case, there isn't just a familiar disrespect or lack of needing to try that is that going on, but it goes further into this thing he had about pushing me away. Again, that either means "I don't really like you at all" or it means "I'm scared to death of a relationship with you, even tho if I didn't have asperger's, I'd be showing you how madly in love I am with you". OK, so my examples are over the top, but you can probably see my point.

An example. Recently we went to my friends gig (she has become his friend too, and is one of my few friends who understands why I am so reluctant to let go of him) he gave her with a flourish and a hug a cd of one of his favourite bands that he had seen the previous night. . . .. . . . Lovely you may think - apart from he knows I love that band too - and we have had a discussion about how he never invites me when he goes to watch them . . .. . . . . .he didn’t get me a cd . . .. . . .. .


But he did then realise he had mucked up . . . .. as soon as he could get me on my own he said “are you ok” “I will buy you a cd I promise, that is actually my cd and I just Thought it would be a nice gift . . . . .. .

But I have yet to see cd

And so I end up in same place I began


Meurgh

No! I did not understand you at all. I meant MORE FACTS not EXPLAIN YOUR INTERPRETATION OF WHAT YOU ASSUME HE IS THINKING/FEELING.

I am a 42 year old woman who only knows NT's and you are totally baffling me with your way of communicating.

I think you have just confused the h**l out of him.

I realise my example sounds petty . . . . .but it is just an example of how he appears to think of others and what would be nice and kind things to do for them . . . . . .. .with me less so if at all.

And I have done an awful lot for this guy in recent months . . . .. .

Thank you for your clarity, it is much appreciated

I can see why you feel taken for granted. Do not be subtle in reminding him of his obligations, what many will consider rude, can be very helpful to an Aspie

Looking back I can definitely see that I have taken people for granted at times, I did appreciate them but did not make them aware of this.

I've heard that often enough from friends in any kind of relationship, that I suspect it is not specific to someone on the spectrum. If there is a difference, it is maybe that the person's "default personality" when not trying to impress is different and so more noticeable/hurtful, rather than that they are more likely to take somebody for granted per-se.[/quote

Yes.