Why does it seem like someone always has a hidden motive?

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I have conversations with a lot of people on a daily basis and I'm still in school, though almost out thankfully. But it seems like my conversations are divided into two (in fact you could divide the people I talk to in two). One type of conversation is basic and logical, it seeks to transfer information and do what talking is really meant to do. The other side is dark, manipulative, power mongering, you probably get the idea.

It's almost like the person is trying to tell me this through their broken speech, "I know you are uncomfortable being insulted/confronted/talked too like this but I'm here to take advantage of you and place myself on top of you because you are a good person. I know I'm a bad person but I don't want to openly admit that, so I will attack you instead, and make it seem like you deserve it."

But instead, the conversation goes more like this. "You're an idiot", or "no one wants to listen to you speak, so get out." or other times, "You're annoying". These insults on their own don't hurt, but the fact that someone is actually trying to take advantage of me and isn't getting the message is what REALLY pisses me off. The fact that they feel they can get away with it. The worst part? When I stand up for myself I suddenly become the as*hole.

But essentially what I'm saying is that about half the time people seem to have secondary motives. You usually get better at spotting the good ones from the bad. Good people are friends and family, but the bad ones are the trash you're forced to associate with every day. The trash keeps trying, and succeeding, at manipulating those of us who lack the cues. What is there to do in this situation really? How can I escape manipulation when I can't even fight back or get punished for it because it's "under the radar" manipulation.

Hi there,
This sounds familiar to what i am reading about right now 'transactional analysis'.
People play games which have a certain 'payoff' or desired outcome, and the conversations are usually more about manipulating than about conversing. It's great to see that you can identify this. Maybe look into the work on Dr. Eric Berne for more information, i know i've learnt a lot about social dynamics from his research.

I have come to a similar conclusion. Some people will only make simple and logical conversations at first, but then gradually get into more subtle and dark passive-aggressive "slip-ups" here and there to see what they can get away with in interacting with you. For instance, someone might be completely normal one second and the next second they will criticize you or lie about your behavior to make you self-conscious - sneering "You're so obnoxious" or pretending not to hear you at times when they clearly could. These dark types will sometimes have incredibly sociopathic hidden motives by taking advantage of kindness and asking favors that get more and more ridiculous - what I like to call, 'testing the waters' and once they see you as vulnerable enough they will leave you in the dust (e.g.) invite you out with their friends, then ditch you without telling, leaving you alone with a huge crowd of strangers.

In my experience, I've found that the best thing you can do is think about it logically.

The only way anyone will ever do anything is if the reasons *for* doing it, outweigh the reasons for *not* doing it. So if someone wants to have a normal, "information transfer" conversation, they only have the reasons to do that. If they want to have a manipulative conversation, they will have extra reasons why they want to be that way, instead of just talking in a nice manner.

So people will be manipulative and nasty if they have reasons to be. Usually, the reasons are something along the lines of them just being an a**hole. There isn't much you can do about those people unfortunately

Either that, or they have a current reason to behave that way - maybe they want you to feel bad, or for some reason, they feel bad themselves and that makes them behave badly to other's around them, particularly the ones they feel like they can pick on and get away with it. If they want to make you, specifically, feel bad, it could be that they just don't like you, or you've done something they didn't like.

If you've done something they didn't like, I'd suggest trying to resolve it in whatever way you think would be sensible. If you haven't, then it's an issue with that person who's speaking to you, and it says nothing about you at all. So try not to worry about it because they're the ones at fault.

Hope this has helped

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