Sex and Dating and the Age of Tinder

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I have been in long relationships before, but I cannot say they were healthy. Both (NT) partners took advantage of my ASD and psychologically intimidated me for years. I do need some assistance managing my life, so when things get unhealthy, I am really trapped - depending on someone that does not have your best interest at heart.

Since the end of my last relationship I have not dated for about three years. I haven't been looking for anyone/anything, but I think I would like to be healthy in a healthy relationship. I'm a decent looking guy, and I am employed in a respected field and single in a tourist town, so I think that makes me attractive to some people where I live.

Recently, I have had a few encounters that were disappointingly short-lived. Meet, have good conversation, blah, blah, blah, then I never hear from them again. I finally saw one girl a month or so later, and she said that she basically just wanted to "hook-up" for the night, and she was never interested in dating me.

This is very hard for me to deal with. First, sex is a huge deal for me. Letting someone into my physical space messes with my reality. I lose track of time, my body, some times it feels like I lose consciousness, like I have a hive-mind or something.
Maybe that's why I don't understand this Tinder-Culture, where you just meet someone and fool around. I can't move on from a fling very effectively, and it hurts me psychologically.

For the last week I have been seeing someone, and I like her a lot. Her mother is special education teacher who specializes in ASD, so I feel there is some probably some background knowledge that considerably helps us connect. Last night, after four or five dates, she told me she wanted to have sex. I told her that I also wanted to, but I don't think I'm ready.

It's not a commitment thing ... I wanted to be in a committed relationship.
But, I am afraid of the fling. I am afraid of being dumped right after, and I might be even just as afraid of not being dumped.

Is this just another paradox of life on the spectrum?
Is there any hope of fulfillment in our love lives?

Any advice is appreciated.

I don't think this is just a spectrum thing. I am like this too, I am just not a casual person, but I mostly know NT's and some of them feel the same way. It does not sound as if the woman you are seeing is being casual though because if she was, she could have gotten what she wanted elsewhere. I think you should tell her what you have said here.

You should only do things at the speed you are comfortable at going but you will need to explain your speed in order for it not to appear as rejection particularly if she is younger than you (dating has really changed).

Good luck

Yes, there is. Just ask kraftiekortie - or any other married Aspie man here.

While I've never been in a romantic relationship myself, I do relate to you in some ways. I can't stand how shallow dating has become - it's "meet, screw, forget" in quite the literal sense. It's as if people are afraid of connecting on a deeper level in this day and age, and with the current state of online "dating", I certainly don't blame anyone who is.

I've never seen myself as someone who'd be able to do one-night stands. I crave deep connections, which I sadly haven't been able to achieve with many people, let alone women. And even the one time I did achieve it with a woman, our "relationship" ended before it went past the point of being a mutual crush. But that's another story for another day.

While I 100% agree that you should do things on YOUR timeline and not make yourself uncomfortable, sometimes - simply due to different realities for NT and Aspies - this will take extra effort in communication, on your part. We can never expect others to understand our reality unless we communicate it to them and clarify that they have understood. I think this comes more easily to an NT, or they can understand each other's cues and motives more easily. We have different brains, so we have to do what it takes to bridge that gap. Direct/unambiguous communication is something that we are typically good at, so use it to your advantage.

That is, did you clarify with this woman why you're not ready for sex? If not, perhaps consider this the next time you see her. For all she knows, it could be because of a lack of attraction, an inability to get it up, hiding an STD, hiding a physical disfigurement/disability, wanting to wait until marriage or a relationship gets seriously committed... who knows what people can infer. So be clear with people when it gets to that point - "sex is emotional for me, so I am selective about who I sleep with. I do enjoy your company and I certainly hope that we can get to that point, but right now I'm not ready to connect on that level." I think a lot more women will understand this than men. But also, I think women are more likely to take it personally than men are if you don't want to have sex - just due to the fact that men are typically more comfortable with it than women, so if you're not pushing for it she might feel like you don't find her attractive

She may have questions about how long she might expect to wait, and you should consider this because people do have different timelines - you might only need a few more dates, or another month, or until you've both decided to be exclusive/in a relationship...another person might need several months or longer. It IS fair to manage her expectations so she can decide if she wants to keep seeing you. Better to know sooner rather than later, so you don't get attached and start anticipating sex, only for her to get frustrated and walk away.

As for the paradox of life on the spectrum. Yes, I think this is probably more an issue for those of us who have experienced considerable social rejection/social failure. We want to be accepted, understood, loved...just like everyone else. We have more to lose by getting too invested too soon, and we don't always have the means of knowing when it's too soon. I think you are right to take precautions and protect yourself.

I also think this makes us unique and, for the right people, invaluable as partners. For those of us with these issues, we are likely to be more attentive, more faithful, more loyal, more generous, more accepting... the list goes on. And IMO that can lead to greater fulfilment... but it takes longer to find the right person because they are as rare as we are

Excellent advice, everyone.

We took her dog and on walk yesterday and hashed everything out, I think. She actually initiated the conversation, which was nice.

Her mother (who lives in Texas) is my best ally. After the walk, we took down her Christmas tree, and I hauled it off to recycling. I guess they talked on the phone while I was gone, and apparently her mom said, "I love a useful man. There are worse things than a useful man."

So ... cautiously optimistic. I'll keep you posted.

Congrats

Epic failure. So hurt that I haven't had the heart to say anything.

Sorry

What happened?

I’m really sorry. It sounded like there was potential there.

Maybe you just had an argument, and feel that way ?

Friendzoned?

I am the opposite, I would really just prefer to have hookups and nothing serious but sadly you usually need to look good for those to happen so I'm out of luck there.

Judging from the photos you posted in another thread your looks would not be a problem. You are good-looking. But what you said in the other thread also is true. You look angry. Scary may be said too much but you do have a 'don't approach me' look. If your face stays like that when you talk to someone and if your voice matches the expression on your face (which I obviously can't know if it does) even the people who do talk to you may get the impression that they are bothering, annoying or boring you.

But you also need good enough social skills and confidence and charisma would help getting hookups. (I have no idea to what extent you have or lack those things)