Women asking guys out?
13 Jan 2018, 2:27 pm
Would chatting about your private lives be something you do with acquaintances? 
Asking him out is high stakes emotionally, if you make it clear that you are asking him out then you will know either way if he likes you as more than a friend. If you don't make it clear then you will be back to where you are now and still have to figure out if he attracted to you or not.
15 Jan 2018, 6:51 pm
It shouldn't carry risk IMO if you start slow and don't give off big red flags. I will be cool about it unless I see warning signs that they're possibly crazy or even dangerous.
Chronos wrote:
I can see how you would see it that way. I was not claiming that handsome single men are more likely to be sociopaths though. Good looking charismatic people, by virtue of the fact that they easily attract other people, are just more likely to not be single for long. Perhaps he is between relationships or perhaps he has some anti social traits that keep him single and it doesn't hurt for people on the spectrum to be aware that possibility.
What if he is someone who had antisocial or other bad traits but has worked on it or is working on it, ie trying to improve? I feel it may be unfair to write someone off in this manner.
I had some negative traits like that in HS also had body image issues due to being extremely skinny(110-120lbs at 5'11 in senior high) so I never dated, can't really date if you don't feel good about yourself. I like reading about psychology and one thing I know is that it's usually a bad idea to try getting into dating when you're going through major issues.
But I have been working out for about 5 years and now feel like I've reached normal at 170lb fairly lean. This also means I'm now more motivated to improve in other areas of life. I hope I don't get wrote off just because of age & lack of experience. Some of us decide against dating at a young age, wanting to wait till we better ourselves first. I am late 20's but only just now have started to have an interest in dating. So I might be that 30 something guy by the time I'd get a degree. I just hope that being 30 & single doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.
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15 Jan 2018, 9:47 pm
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
Does he know you are on the spectrum?
I told him about it, but I'm not sure that he knows what autism actually entails. I don't think most people do.
LOL. The guy is absolutely not a sociopath! He is a highly sensitive, emotional person. It's pretty much impossible for great actors to be sociopaths because truthful acting requires a heart-on-the-sleeve kind of personality. He's also not gay, either.... I heard him mention his ex girlfriend one time in class.
I'm definitely not exaggerating how perfect he is..... he's a recovering alcoholic. Hardship in life connects us all. I try accept people's flaws, and hope that people accept mine. I ain't perfect either, having Aspergers hasn't been a picnic. But what I find admirable is how hard he has been working to pull himself out of this and how devoted he remains to the craft. In spite of his drinking issues, he is by far one of the most hardworking, thoughtful and accountable actors I know. Unlike many actors I work with, he actually shows consideration for me and my time and goes the extra mile in making sure we both can be as prepared as possible for class.
Recovering alcoholic. If that is not an issue for you then it is not an issue for you.
But it does go to show that it is not unreasonable or unfair to question whether or not Mr. or Miss. Perfect who is single at that point in their lives is single for benign reasons or reasons that may be of concern in a relationship.
15 Jan 2018, 11:08 pm
Quote:
Would chatting about your private lives be something you do with acquaintances?
It's hard to say. Emotional intimacy between actors in this particular kind of training works very differently than as a regular person out in the world. There is literally no such thing as "private information" in this class.... horrific life stories are shared on a regular basis, and pretty much everyone knows everyone else's dark, humiliating secrets within a short amount of time. The accelerated manner in which we all learn about each other makes personal conversations into a much more casual thing. It's hard to know when someone is divulging information about themselves to you because they feel close to you, or if it's just the nature of the class.
Quote:
Mr. or Miss. Perfect who is single at that point in their lives is single for benign reasons or reasons that may be of concern in a relationship.
This is certainly possible. I don't doubt that there might be issues that would accompany his alcoholism recovery (just as there are issues which are likely to surface for other people with my Aspergers), but I haven't seen any behavior from him which suggests "potentially lousy boyfriend" to me.... at least, I haven't seen it yet. In our work together, he has shown me nothing but generosity, availability and professionalism. His drinking problem strikes me as high-functioning, otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hold down a full-time job while keeping up with classwork. Nonetheless, he has told me that resisting the urge to drink is challenging. He goes to AA regularly and reads a lot of addiction self-help literature. The start of every day in class involves a group emotional discussion facilitated by the instructor... I have heard a little bit about his ex. Apparently he had a quite serious girlfriend with whom he once considered starting a family, but she was a paranoid personality who couldn't stop invading his privacy and ended up cheating on him.
I'm not sure know how outgoing he is because I haven't been around him in any real social context, but he's got very solid people skills..... far from an antisocial personality. I have to wonder if it's only awkward guys who get shy in the dating arena? Or is anyone susceptible to that?
AspieOutlaw89
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16 Jan 2018, 10:50 am
I've only had a woman ask me out once. When I was 17. She turned out to be a little too much into Jesus.
A woman did drag me into her apartment for sex once, though. I was answering an ad in the newspaper (no Internet in 1983-1984). She opened the door and dragged me (not unwilling) into her apartment. She was scantily clad.
Like I said, I'm not sure if it was 1983 or 1984. It was the year where it almost went up to 100 degrees (38 Celsius) in NYC in September.
16 Jan 2018, 1:17 pm
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
Would chatting about your private lives be something you do with acquaintances?
It's hard to say. Emotional intimacy between actors in this particular kind of training works very differently than as a regular person out in the world. There is literally no such thing as "private information" in this class.... horrific life stories are shared on a regular basis, and pretty much everyone knows everyone else's dark, humiliating secrets within a short amount of time. The accelerated manner in which we all learn about each other makes personal conversations into a much more casual thing. It's hard to know when someone is divulging information about themselves to you because they feel close to you, or if it's just the nature of the class. I think it should go absolutely fine just if he is shy he may give a kind of non-answer if he's taken by surprise, might need to take time to think about it. I can tell you as a guy that we never consider possibility of girl asking us out, many girls I have known like in HS would say if the guy can't make the first move then they're not worth the time of day, not a real man, etc(TBH kind of cool to see thread like this where you obviously see things differently). I would feel nervous answering this but only because there's the possible chance of maybe they get mad if they don't like my answer(even if just not being enthusiastic enough) or it could be a "trap" that some girls do to shame a guy they don't like, ask them out then do a 180 and tell them to get lost,not in a million years, etc. But if you have friendly, chill demeanour it'll be fine.
I suggest something pretty safe like going for coffee or to the park or something. I might feel nervous/unsure if they say fancy restaurant especially since it seems like college/university scenario, I would feel unsure about going to dinner somewhere where it may be a $100 night out. As it'd be a budget concern I wouldn't feel totally comfortable doing that till I knew them a bit like maybe a couple of dates in. Or maybe something like an extreme sports thing, might be a problem if it's way out of their comfort zone.
I think in the past girls might be judgemental towards their peers for doing stuff like asking a guy out but I think in 2018 with the whole feminism movement it really ought to be totally acceptable by now. From my understanding isn't this the whole point of it, getting rid of the double standards?
Chronos wrote:
Recovering alcoholic. If that is not an issue for you then it is not an issue for you.
But it does go to show that it is not unreasonable or unfair to question whether or not Mr. or Miss. Perfect who is single at that point in their lives is single for benign reasons or reasons that may be of concern in a relationship.
But it does go to show that it is not unreasonable or unfair to question whether or not Mr. or Miss. Perfect who is single at that point in their lives is single for benign reasons or reasons that may be of concern in a relationship.
Oh I see. I think it is absolutely reasonable to question the possibility like keeping it in mind. I'd just feel a bit upset if (after I get a degree I'm in my 30's), meet a girl with everything seeming to go great until they're like "oh you're 30 years old, I'm out" like I could be well put together, doing well in life but get rejected simply because I'm unmarried in my 30's.
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WantToHaveALife
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17 Feb 2018, 9:34 pm
So it looks like all of these obsessive thoughts were an enormous waste of my time.
He rejected my offer to do another scene together, and instead chose to work on something with another girl.
Part of me is rather confused. I may not be great at reading people, but lately it seemed like we were honestly starting to build a pretty good rapport. He had alerted me to a casting notice over the holidays that he thought I should aim for, and in recent weeks we'd actually been chatting and bantering over text. This is something that has literally NEVER happened to me before. Most people don't really interact with me or think about me unless they have to. I had no idea, obviously, if he would return my feelings. But the process of having to constantly go around and persuade people to do a scene with me is so painful and humiliating, and I thought he was someone who I could, at the very least, count on to want to work with me again.
I'm not quite sure what it was that made him pull away. Maybe he sensed that I was getting more interested in him than he felt comfortable with. Or (more likely) he never liked me that much to begin with, and is the type of guy who's just good at being kind, generous and personable with everyone.
I really can't even begin to describe how much this hurts. I would feel terrible if anyone I had asked to do a scene told me they "weren't sure what's coming up" and then immediately turned around and started making plans with someone else (like the feeling when you invite someone to hang out, they say "I'm overwhelmed with work right now" and then later in the week, you see brand-new Facebook pics of them partying with friends).
But it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I've ever opened myself up to the possibility of what I thought might be a blossoming interaction, I just end up unbearably disappointed and humiliated. I have been told by therapists that I see everything in a negative light but whenever I try to have a hopeful and optimistic mindset, this is what always happens. I am so so so so relieved that I didn't invite him out for coffee. It turns out that the self-doubts I tried to let go of weren't just a product of my negative mentality..... they were correct all along. I dunno, it's becoming increasingly hard for me to summon any interest in human beings at all. I realize that that's not a healthy attitude for an artist to have, especially one whose art relies so heavily on interpersonal connection. But these kinds of experiences pulverize my soul.
AngelRho
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18 Feb 2018, 7:46 am
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
So it looks like all of these obsessive thoughts were an enormous waste of my time.
He rejected my offer to do another scene together, and instead chose to work on something with another girl.
Part of me is rather confused. I may not be great at reading people, but lately it seemed like we were honestly starting to build a pretty good rapport. He had alerted me to a casting notice over the holidays that he thought I should aim for, and in recent weeks we'd actually been chatting and bantering over text. This is something that has literally NEVER happened to me before. Most people don't really interact with me or think about me unless they have to. I had no idea, obviously, if he would return my feelings. But the process of having to constantly go around and persuade people to do a scene with me is so painful and humiliating, and I thought he was someone who I could, at the very least, count on to want to work with me again.
I'm not quite sure what it was that made him pull away. Maybe he sensed that I was getting more interested in him than he felt comfortable with. Or (more likely) he never liked me that much to begin with, and is the type of guy who's just good at being kind, generous and personable with everyone.
I really can't even begin to describe how much this hurts. I would feel terrible if anyone I had asked to do a scene told me they "weren't sure what's coming up" and then immediately turned around and started making plans with someone else (like the feeling when you invite someone to hang out, they say "I'm overwhelmed with work right now" and then later in the week, you see brand-new Facebook pics of them partying with friends).
But it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I've ever opened myself up to the possibility of what I thought might be a blossoming interaction, I just end up unbearably disappointed and humiliated. I have been told by therapists that I see everything in a negative light but whenever I try to have a hopeful and optimistic mindset, this is what always happens. I am so so so so relieved that I didn't invite him out for coffee. It turns out that the self-doubts I tried to let go of weren't just a product of my negative mentality..... they were correct all along. I dunno, it's becoming increasingly hard for me to summon any interest in human beings at all. I realize that that's not a healthy attitude for an artist to have, especially one whose art relies so heavily on interpersonal connection. But these kinds of experiences pulverize my soul.
He rejected my offer to do another scene together, and instead chose to work on something with another girl.
Part of me is rather confused. I may not be great at reading people, but lately it seemed like we were honestly starting to build a pretty good rapport. He had alerted me to a casting notice over the holidays that he thought I should aim for, and in recent weeks we'd actually been chatting and bantering over text. This is something that has literally NEVER happened to me before. Most people don't really interact with me or think about me unless they have to. I had no idea, obviously, if he would return my feelings. But the process of having to constantly go around and persuade people to do a scene with me is so painful and humiliating, and I thought he was someone who I could, at the very least, count on to want to work with me again.
I'm not quite sure what it was that made him pull away. Maybe he sensed that I was getting more interested in him than he felt comfortable with. Or (more likely) he never liked me that much to begin with, and is the type of guy who's just good at being kind, generous and personable with everyone.
I really can't even begin to describe how much this hurts. I would feel terrible if anyone I had asked to do a scene told me they "weren't sure what's coming up" and then immediately turned around and started making plans with someone else (like the feeling when you invite someone to hang out, they say "I'm overwhelmed with work right now" and then later in the week, you see brand-new Facebook pics of them partying with friends).
But it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I've ever opened myself up to the possibility of what I thought might be a blossoming interaction, I just end up unbearably disappointed and humiliated. I have been told by therapists that I see everything in a negative light but whenever I try to have a hopeful and optimistic mindset, this is what always happens. I am so so so so relieved that I didn't invite him out for coffee. It turns out that the self-doubts I tried to let go of weren't just a product of my negative mentality..... they were correct all along. I dunno, it's becoming increasingly hard for me to summon any interest in human beings at all. I realize that that's not a healthy attitude for an artist to have, especially one whose art relies so heavily on interpersonal connection. But these kinds of experiences pulverize my soul.
You seem to me a very sweet person. The kind of person I’d ask out if my circumstances were different. I’m very sorry that things ended up the way they did and I do wish you the very best.
My only advice is not easy advice, but I feel it is best. As a rule, I would not bother with emotional attachments to people, or crushes. You can’t help it sometimes. Heck, even I “crush” on other women from time to time. I just choose not to act on it. It is best to stay unattached and not overtly act on your feelings.
What I think you should do moving forward is nurture more casual relationships. Develop close friendships every chance you get. Eventually someone will take interest, and you’ll find you’re interested in that person just as much. After 3 or 4 dates when you haven’t been seeing anyone else, by all means take it to the next level. Let yourself fall in love and enjoy all the emotional bliss of it.
Before you do that, though, go out with men every chance you get. Not every date has to be a relationship. You’re only just getting to know guys in a different context which you will always leave open to go somewhere else with.
And making the first move is perfectly ok. A casual get-to-know-you, hang out date carries no expectations or obligations. It doesn’t matter who asks who.
In fact, it sounds to me like you’re 4th down and 20 at your own 10 yard line with this guy. Go ahead and ask him out for coffee anyway. You can’t expect much at this point, so even if he rejects you, you can’t be any more disappointed than you already are. I say go for it.
It’s kinda hard to see it, but dating is a numbers game and the odds are always against us. Aspie, NT, doesn’t matter. It’s like that for everyone. Odds are always in favor of rejection and breakups. If you go in understanding that, with a realistic perception, you’ll focus on a more meaningful purpose of seeing men and fast-track your way to getting them to go out with you. It’s a casual get-together, NOT a marriage proposal. That may change in 12 weeks, but for now, scoring your victories in terms of how many times you went out with men will be much more positive and encouraging.
18 Feb 2018, 9:30 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Funny how a guy being single in his 30's has got people automatically suspecting he's some kind of sociopath. And you all wonder why people like Sly are so worried about their potential futures.
Actually, it was said that something might be wrong if a good looking and very charismatic guy in his thirties was still single, not if a guy in his thirties was still single. After all it's pretty natural to assume that someone who one considers awesome would have many people interested in him.
Not that I really agree because even the most perfect men (and women) can have many reasons for being single. Maybe he has recently broken up with someone, maybe he's too busy to meet people, maybe he's not really good looking or charismatic in anyone else's eyes, maybe he has a really bad personality outside of the acting class, maybe he's interested in someone at waiting for the right moment to make a move, maybe he's homosexual or perhaps not interested in relationships at all.
Or maybe he is a broke starving artist.
Or he is leonardo dicaprio.
That guy is clearly a sociopath according chronos' logic.
The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2018, 10:30 am
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
So it looks like all of these obsessive thoughts were an enormous waste of my time.
He rejected my offer to do another scene together, and instead chose to work on something with another girl.
Part of me is rather confused. I may not be great at reading people, but lately it seemed like we were honestly starting to build a pretty good rapport. He had alerted me to a casting notice over the holidays that he thought I should aim for, and in recent weeks we'd actually been chatting and bantering over text. This is something that has literally NEVER happened to me before. Most people don't really interact with me or think about me unless they have to. I had no idea, obviously, if he would return my feelings. But the process of having to constantly go around and persuade people to do a scene with me is so painful and humiliating, and I thought he was someone who I could, at the very least, count on to want to work with me again.
I'm not quite sure what it was that made him pull away. Maybe he sensed that I was getting more interested in him than he felt comfortable with. Or (more likely) he never liked me that much to begin with, and is the type of guy who's just good at being kind, generous and personable with everyone.
I really can't even begin to describe how much this hurts. I would feel terrible if anyone I had asked to do a scene told me they "weren't sure what's coming up" and then immediately turned around and started making plans with someone else (like the feeling when you invite someone to hang out, they say "I'm overwhelmed with work right now" and then later in the week, you see brand-new Facebook pics of them partying with friends).
But it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I've ever opened myself up to the possibility of what I thought might be a blossoming interaction, I just end up unbearably disappointed and humiliated. I have been told by therapists that I see everything in a negative light but whenever I try to have a hopeful and optimistic mindset, this is what always happens. I am so so so so relieved that I didn't invite him out for coffee. It turns out that the self-doubts I tried to let go of weren't just a product of my negative mentality..... they were correct all along. I dunno, it's becoming increasingly hard for me to summon any interest in human beings at all. I realize that that's not a healthy attitude for an artist to have, especially one whose art relies so heavily on interpersonal connection. But these kinds of experiences pulverize my soul.
He rejected my offer to do another scene together, and instead chose to work on something with another girl.
Part of me is rather confused. I may not be great at reading people, but lately it seemed like we were honestly starting to build a pretty good rapport. He had alerted me to a casting notice over the holidays that he thought I should aim for, and in recent weeks we'd actually been chatting and bantering over text. This is something that has literally NEVER happened to me before. Most people don't really interact with me or think about me unless they have to. I had no idea, obviously, if he would return my feelings. But the process of having to constantly go around and persuade people to do a scene with me is so painful and humiliating, and I thought he was someone who I could, at the very least, count on to want to work with me again.
I'm not quite sure what it was that made him pull away. Maybe he sensed that I was getting more interested in him than he felt comfortable with. Or (more likely) he never liked me that much to begin with, and is the type of guy who's just good at being kind, generous and personable with everyone.
I really can't even begin to describe how much this hurts. I would feel terrible if anyone I had asked to do a scene told me they "weren't sure what's coming up" and then immediately turned around and started making plans with someone else (like the feeling when you invite someone to hang out, they say "I'm overwhelmed with work right now" and then later in the week, you see brand-new Facebook pics of them partying with friends).
But it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I've ever opened myself up to the possibility of what I thought might be a blossoming interaction, I just end up unbearably disappointed and humiliated. I have been told by therapists that I see everything in a negative light but whenever I try to have a hopeful and optimistic mindset, this is what always happens. I am so so so so relieved that I didn't invite him out for coffee. It turns out that the self-doubts I tried to let go of weren't just a product of my negative mentality..... they were correct all along. I dunno, it's becoming increasingly hard for me to summon any interest in human beings at all. I realize that that's not a healthy attitude for an artist to have, especially one whose art relies so heavily on interpersonal connection. But these kinds of experiences pulverize my soul.
Welcome to the male world, being rejected is part of the experience.
And no means no.
18 Feb 2018, 10:43 am
Quote:
Welcome to the male world, being rejected is part of the experience.
I really don't see what this has to do with the male or female world. Women get just as much rejection, they just complain less. Usually I try to just focus on my work and not think too much about other people..... after all, I know they won't be thinking about me. If no one's going to pay attention to me, I'm gonna make sure that I'm the one doing so 100%. But damn, there was something about this guy that just really made me feel like I had to sit up and look more closely. I really thought that he was different, and I see now how worthless it was to have been hopeful about that.
18 Feb 2018, 12:13 pm
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
Welcome to the male world, being rejected is part of the experience.
I really don't see what this has to do with the male or female world. Women get just as much rejection, they just complain less.
Well men don't usually complain about women making them feel uncomfortable. I'm not saying all women respond that way, but a lot do.
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