Women asking guys out?
13 Jan 2018, 5:02 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.
I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.
I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.
I suppose you could ask him out for coffee after class but just be careful he's not a sociopath. People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons but the charasmatic ones are suspect, particularly good looking charasmatic ones. Though he may also be gay (yes men, women think like this) I knew a man as such. He was not good looking but his personality was such that it did not make sense that he did not appear to be married. I speculated that he was gay and was correct. For someone on the spectrum I have awfully good "gaydar".
Your way of thinking is ridiculous and extremely outdated (hello, some choose not to marry),
honestly.
I think you missed this part.
Chronos said wrote:
People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
And now suddenly you speak for all women and yet you get triggered when a man here generalizes about all women? This is hypocrite.
No. I don't object to generalization in general. There are positive, neutral, and negative generalization and they are not equal. Though my memory may not serve me entirely correctly, or there may have been a time in the past where I have objected to positive or neutral generalization, I don't recall objecting to anything but negative generalizations, such as those generalizations that seek to vilify, defame, attack, or misrepresent the male or female demographic as a whole when those demographics as a whole are not accurately represented by such accusations. For example "Women are shallow" "women are gold diggers" "women are irrational" "women only date the top 20% of guys", "men are jerks" "men are rapists" "men are stupid" "men just want sex". There are negative generalizations and there are neutral and positive generalizations and they are not equal. There are also generalizations that are reflective of the majority of a group or demographic. One such generalization would be "Japanese people have black hair".
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
OP, the probability that he is sociopath is very low; most humans are not sociopath, even the good looking ones. Also homosexuality is a much more rare orientation than hetero. So go for it and ask him out for coffee, don’t listen to the fear-mongering.
The probability of sociopathy is low, though higher in some groups (CEOs, politicians, doctors though those sociopaths tend to be functional sociopaths). It's not fear mongering to tell someone to take a little bit of caution. I did not tell her to avoid him. I've told men here similar things of women in some instances as those of us on the spectrum are more likely to be victimized by others due to more difficulty reading non-verbal body language and social cues and so on.
There's no shame in asking someone out when you don't know their sexuality.
Your generalization about handsome single men was negative, dear, if you are failing to even see that then you’re way more out of touch than I thought.
I can see how you would see it that way. I was not claiming that handsome single men are more likely to be sociopaths though. Good looking charismatic people, by virtue of the fact that they easily attract other people, are just more likely to not be single for long. Perhaps he is between relationships or perhaps he has some anti social traits that keep him single and it doesn't hurt for people on the spectrum to be aware that possibility.
The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Jan 2018, 5:18 am
Chronos wrote:
I can see how you would see it that way. I was not claiming that handsome single men are more likely to be sociopaths though. Good looking charismatic people, by virtue of the fact that they easily attract other people, are just more likely to not be single for long. Perhaps he is between relationships or perhaps he has some anti social traits that keep him single and it doesn't hurt for people on the spectrum to be aware that possibility.
True but there's the possibility that maybe this guy only seems so charismatic because he is doing something he is really good at. Maybe he isn't always that charismatic.
Or maybe SummerAndSmoke exaggerates how perfect he is because she fell in love with him and therefore perceives him as more perfect than other people would. There's no information about whether a lot of the women in that acting class are into him or just her.
That said, if there are any red flags SummerAndSmoke should not ignore them.
13 Jan 2018, 5:41 am
Sabreclaw wrote:
Funny how a guy being single in his 30's has got people automatically suspecting he's some kind of sociopath. And you all wonder why people like Sly are so worried about their potential futures.
I didn’t think for a second that there was anything wrong with the guy. It’s extremely immature to make assumptions about people you’ve never spoken to like that, because they’re above a certain age. A lot of good looking people are are also single. By choice, after a divorce, other commitments, sickness, I don’t think much of assuming good looking people who are single are damaged either, it’s also immature.
13 Jan 2018, 6:48 am
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
It's just that I've never seen him show any signs of interest in me beyond classmates, which leads me to think there might be good chance he hasn't noticed me that way. When we first met, he was surprised when I mentioned that I was 25 years old. He seemed to think I was a good deal younger.... (I am an extremely petite girl with a young, childlike face, and people tend to mistake me for a college freshman/recent high school graduate.) Also, when we were rehearsing once, he said he was having trouble finding the character that day because he was feeling "shy and inhibited" around me. I've been working a lot on my social skills this past year, but that little piece of feedback has me worried. Maybe I do something without realizing it that makes him uncomfortable and ill at ease....
I think he does find you attractive, but because of the age difference and more importantly your very young appearance, is afraid of communicating that or asking you out for fear of being thought of as some creep. That and the resulting self-consciousness is a more probable reason for him getting shy and inhibited when working with you. From his point of view, the cost of asking you out or indicating he's attracted to you, is not just the possibility of rejection, but the possibility of being shamed as a creepy older guy and having the whole class become unpleasant, if not worse. He has the same fears that you mentioned in the original post, with his fears amplified by the age difference while yours by gender expectations. (It's a case of Prisoner's Dilemma all around.)
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.
Clarify this to him first, establish that you want to continue working with him, and then ask him out yourself. Both of you will probably have a better, happier life if you take this first step yourself.
_________________
There is no justice in the laws of Nature, no term for fairness in the equations of motion. The universe is neither evil, nor good, it simply does not care. The stars don't care, or the Sun, or the sky. But they don't have to! We care! There is light in the world, and it is us!
(Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, Eliezer Yudkowsky)
13 Jan 2018, 7:23 am
Sabreclaw wrote:
Funny how a guy being single in his 30's has got people automatically suspecting he's some kind of sociopath. And you all wonder why people like Sly are so worried about their potential futures.
Actually, it was said that something might be wrong if a good looking and very charismatic guy in his thirties was still single, not if a guy in his thirties was still single. After all it's pretty natural to assume that someone who one considers awesome would have many people interested in him.
Not that I really agree because even the most perfect men (and women) can have many reasons for being single. Maybe he has recently broken up with someone, maybe he's too busy to meet people, maybe he's not really good looking or charismatic in anyone else's eyes, maybe he has a really bad personality outside of the acting class, maybe he's interested in someone at waiting for the right moment to make a move, maybe he's homosexual or perhaps not interested in relationships at all.
The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Jan 2018, 8:30 am
Fireblossom wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Funny how a guy being single in his 30's has got people automatically suspecting he's some kind of sociopath. And you all wonder why people like Sly are so worried about their potential futures.
Actually, it was said that something might be wrong if a good looking and very charismatic guy in his thirties was still single, not if a guy in his thirties was still single. After all it's pretty natural to assume that someone who one considers awesome would have many people interested in him.
Not that I really agree because even the most perfect men (and women) can have many reasons for being single. Maybe he has recently broken up with someone, maybe he's too busy to meet people, maybe he's not really good looking or charismatic in anyone else's eyes, maybe he has a really bad personality outside of the acting class, maybe he's interested in someone at waiting for the right moment to make a move, maybe he's homosexual or perhaps not interested in relationships at all.
Or maybe he is a broke starving artist.
13 Jan 2018, 10:00 am
Fireblossom wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Funny how a guy being single in his 30's has got people automatically suspecting he's some kind of sociopath. And you all wonder why people like Sly are so worried about their potential futures.
Actually, it was said that something might be wrong if a good looking and very charismatic guy in his thirties was still single, not if a guy in his thirties was still single. After all it's pretty natural to assume that someone who one considers awesome would have many people interested in him.
Not that I really agree because even the most perfect men (and women) can have many reasons for being single. Maybe he has recently broken up with someone, maybe he's too busy to meet people, maybe he's not really good looking or charismatic in anyone else's eyes, maybe he has a really bad personality outside of the acting class, maybe he's interested in someone at waiting for the right moment to make a move, maybe he's homosexual or perhaps not interested in relationships at all.
It's still unfair paranoia. Just help the OP date the dude and stop trying to find red flags where there are none.
13 Jan 2018, 11:08 am
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.
I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.
I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.
Yup, I agree with the 'ask him out for a coffee' advice. I could be wrong, but I think the novelty of being asked out is taken as a compliment by most men... If he isn't attracted to you I imagine due to his age he will be tactful and nothing will have changed between the two of you during your acting class.
13 Jan 2018, 12:40 pm
Quote:
Does he know you are on the spectrum?
I told him about it, but I'm not sure that he knows what autism actually entails. I don't think most people do.
LOL. The guy is absolutely not a sociopath! He is a highly sensitive, emotional person. It's pretty much impossible for great actors to be sociopaths because truthful acting requires a heart-on-the-sleeve kind of personality. He's also not gay, either.... I heard him mention his ex girlfriend one time in class.
I'm definitely not exaggerating how perfect he is..... he's a recovering alcoholic. Hardship in life connects us all. I try accept people's flaws, and hope that people accept mine. I ain't perfect either, having Aspergers hasn't been a picnic. But what I find admirable is how hard he has been working to pull himself out of this and how devoted he remains to the craft. In spite of his drinking issues, he is by far one of the most hardworking, thoughtful and accountable actors I know. Unlike many actors I work with, he actually shows consideration for me and my time and goes the extra mile in making sure we both can be as prepared as possible for class.
13 Jan 2018, 1:27 pm
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
Does he know you are on the spectrum?
I told him about it, but I'm not sure that he knows what autism actually entails. I don't think most people do.
Its such a broad spectrum that most people are confused by it.
Seems like you are good friends already, so do you think you will go for it?
13 Jan 2018, 1:39 pm
Its such a broad spectrum that most people are confused by it.
He knows that I've had troubled schooling, and that's about it. I don't think that a lot of people are prepared for the realities of actually dealing with Aspies.
Quote:
Great, it sounds like you are good friends already, so do you think you will go for it?
I don't know if I could go so far as to say "good friends." We've chatted a good deal during class breaks and in our private rehearsals, and it feels like we have rapport. (At least it feels that way to me) Doesn't "good friends" mean that you've already gone on social outings together?
I think I probably will go for it, but I'm going to wait until we've decided on the next piece of work we're going to do together..... that'll make it seem less like I'm asking him out on a "date." Sending him a casual text message might more low-stakes?
13 Jan 2018, 2:27 pm
Would chatting about your private lives be something you do with acquaintances? 
Asking him out is high stakes emotionally, if you make it clear that you are asking him out then you will know either way if he likes you as more than a friend. If you don't make it clear then you will be back to where you are now and still have to figure out if he attracted to you or not.
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