Page 1 of 3 [ 36 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

datsloth
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

25 Feb 2018, 11:13 am

nikkiDT wrote:
It's a cowardly move. If you don't want someone in your life anymore, just say it.


It is. I'm struggling and still want him in my life if I'm honest.
However I don't know how to keep him or otherwise I'm afraid to know the truth that he won't be there anymore.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Feb 2018, 12:02 pm

If she tells the guy her true feelings, he would probably take her for granted, and use her for his convenience.

I know from my own sad experiences.

Unless the guy makes a decent overture, and expresses some sort of respect for her, t’s probably best (for her mental health) to avoid him.

He doesn’t talk to her like he respects her.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

27 Feb 2018, 1:47 pm

It completely depends on the situation.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,470
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

27 Feb 2018, 1:56 pm

datsloth wrote:
nikkiDT wrote:
It's a cowardly move. If you don't want someone in your life anymore, just say it.


It is. I'm struggling and still want him in my life if I'm honest.
However I don't know how to keep him or otherwise I'm afraid to know the truth that he won't be there anymore.


Why do you want him in your life? You have yet to say anything good about him...he sounds like a manipulative jerk that you don't need in your life from everything you have posted. Just not sure why you want to keep in contact with an ex who has nothing nice or pleasant to say about you.

I think you should block him and be done with him for good....also ghosting is when you just stop talking to someone without giving any reason. In this case he broke up with you, said he didn't want to stay friends then keeps trying to contact you. Its not really ghosting not to respond, that is more just ignoring which in this case I think you should ignore him and move on.


_________________
We won't go back.


banana247
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 5 Mar 2012
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 247
Location: Wrong Planet

27 Feb 2018, 3:44 pm

I always try to put it in the context of "real life".

For instance, it would be pretty rude and low to simply ignore a person who is sitting next to you and trying to talk to you. If the person really doesn't realize you're mad, you would probably need to tell them that you're mad and why, even if it seems obvious. You would probably either begin to soften as you hear them apologizing, or tell them to bug off (whether for now, or forever). You might get up and move away from them. If they kept on following you, you would probably repeatedly tell them to you leave alone, and then get in your car and leave the party. If they kept following you in their car or kept showing up at your house, you might call the cops.

It sounds like you've already had the conversations about why you're upset, tried to move away, and now you're at the point where you left the party but he keeps showing up at your house and ringing the doorbell. Hard to say if he's just being a jerk, or if there's still somehow a part of your reaction that he can't understand, but ignoring it isn't really a feasible long term solution.

My opinion... I think the choice would be to grit your teeth, block him completely on all platforms, and be done with it. OR, if you feel like it's still worth fighting for and that maybe he could be capable of changing, then I think you would definitely need intervention from an outside party. Maybe a therapist or at least some outside opinions from wise and trusted folks. It may not be totally hopeless, but I'm sure it will take a lot of work from both parties to get back to a healthy place. Good luck...



SabbraCadabra
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Apr 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,694
Location: Michigan

27 Feb 2018, 4:52 pm

To me, it's pretty obvious I've been ghosted, because they will sound fairly enthusiastic, and then one day they just never reply back to me, even if I send them a reminder later. I'll give them a day or so, maybe they're just busy, but almost nobody online enjoys talking to me these days, so I just automatically assume I will be ghosted. It feels like the ones who don't ghost me are just trying to be polite.

It sounds like you are justified in ignoring this guy, though, if he doesn't even want to be friends anymore, and just wants to have arguments.


_________________
I'm looking for Someone to change my life. I'm looking for a Miracle in my life.


datsloth
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

01 Mar 2018, 12:13 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
datsloth wrote:
nikkiDT wrote:
It's a cowardly move. If you don't want someone in your life anymore, just say it.


It is. I'm struggling and still want him in my life if I'm honest.
However I don't know how to keep him or otherwise I'm afraid to know the truth that he won't be there anymore.


Why do you want him in your life? You have yet to say anything good about him...he sounds like a manipulative jerk that you don't need in your life from everything you have posted. Just not sure why you want to keep in contact with an ex who has nothing nice or pleasant to say about you.

I think you should block him and be done with him for good....also ghosting is when you just stop talking to someone without giving any reason. In this case he broke up with you, said he didn't want to stay friends then keeps trying to contact you. Its not really ghosting not to respond, that is more just ignoring which in this case I think you should ignore him and move on.



When I was at my lowest point of my life, no one would like to stay close with me because of my ultimate negative but he found me and kept me company. He was always caring and sweet to me. He prioritized me and made me feel like I was wanted. We needed each other. Now, I must admit it seems only I need him more than he needs me although he still calls me his best friend.

We have talked again afterwards and had some fine clear conversations, I thought it wold be a good start for at least our friendship but then some girl from his past popped out, he now prioritizes her over me.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

01 Mar 2018, 9:45 am

I wish that didn’t happen to you.

But why not be his friend?

I think, in this case, it would be better than ghosting.

You seem to like this person, warts and all.



Kiriae
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2014
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,349
Location: Kraków, Poland

01 Mar 2018, 11:47 am

I don't know what is the whole thing with "ghosting". Is it when you ignore someone despite reading their messages? I am faulty of this too - either because I was busy at that moment, I didn't feel like talking at the moment or the person was annoying and wouldn't react to me asking them to stop bothering me.
In first 2 cases I will answer eventually. In the 3rd one - it depends what the issue was.

The longest period so far was 2 years because I was tired of an ex saying he is "sorry" and begging me to get back to him. There was no point in me answering anymore - I made my mind and explained my reasoning to him and even told him what to do if he wants me to make up with him("Just change the subject") and clearly said I will not be answering his "sorry, please forgive me, I will change my whole personality for you" messages anymore but he kept sending them daily for 3 months so I ended up blocking him. I didn't mind staying friends with him and wasn't even angry with him - I simply figured we were not romantically compatible because he was too emotionally sensitive and I was too logical, which caused argument after argument (I carelessly said something I considered the greatest complement such as - "The whole thing is like a huge experiment for me, I never experienced anything like this before." - and he was assuming it means I am "just toying with him").

I am not sure if i ever was on the other side of the sword though. I think so - I have a friend(she is my high school best friend and my college years crush which makes it a little complicated) that tends to answer me after 2 weeks or doesn't answer at all and her excuse is "fb didn't let me know you messaged" and when we manage to talk and I am asking her when we can met she keeps saying stuff like she can't because it's her dads/moms/brothers/aunts/cats birthday and she needs to participate in their party or they get angry with her or that she had a fight with her parents so she isn't allowed to go anywhere(she is 29yo!). When I tell her "You just don't want to go, admit it." she says it isn't the case and her reasons are real though.
Oh, well. What can I do? Not like I don't have anything better to do with my life than meeting her. I have other friends and it's not like I still want to go out with her or anything.

I don't recall anyone ignoring me forever though. But maybe I just forgotten about it. Like I said - I have better things to do than contact someone who clearly doesn't want to speak with me.

And with my messaging pattern it's not unusual for ghosting getting missed. Sometimes I won't message someone for a few months just to speak to them as if we talked a week ago. I have really poor sense of time. If not for stuff like birthdays and other events I would easily go without contacting friends for a few years and wouldn't even realize it unless they made some contact first or we talked daily.

Oh, wait. Actually did get ghosted once. I just recalled.
A classmate in high school invited me to the prom, took me to a date and kept telling me he loves me, even in front of whole class. Then the prom came. I childishly refused to dance with him and played games with my group of friends all night long. After that he stopped contacting me (we went back to being classmates and wouldn't even talk) and a few weeks passed like that. Then I said "I am breaking up with you." to make it clear and he coldly answered "I don't know what you are talking about". That's all.



Anna_K
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 9 Jun 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 453

01 Mar 2018, 5:22 pm

I'm personally not into ghosting. I am the type of person who needs some sort of closure. If I'm in a relationship I deserve an explanation because if I don't have one then it leaves me lost and confused about what happened. Ghosting is an easy way out of having to explain your feelings and possibly end up hurting the person, although it is not the good way and can hurt more than telling the truth. To me it is straight up disrespectful to the other person, so if you don't want to be with someone anymore, do the right thing and tell them. The explanation you want to give is up to you and depends on the situation, but be honest without straight up insulting them.

The exception is if you are in a really abusive situation where you are in danger of being physically harmed and you need to leave fast. If that is the case, ghosting and leaving with no explanation is okay for your own safety but otherwise do it the honest way and tell them, don't disappear.

EDIT: If this guy is your ex, you should make a decision about whether or not you want him in your life, either as friends or getting back together. Be honest and tell him, but don't be rude about it. If you are trying to avoid him, tell him you need space and can't talk to him. If you want him as a friend, just say that you only want to be friends and you'll talk to him when you can, leave it at that. I'm sure he'll get the message, but don't leave him confused.



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,158

02 Mar 2018, 1:13 pm

It really depends on a situation but for the most part, I think it's very rude.

1. In most cases, the people who ignore your phone calls, texts, emails are very passive aggressive as you have done something wrong that bothers them
2. On the other hand, if you have a friend or a loved who you have set boundaries with several times and they continue to step over them, then ignoring their calls, texts, social media is ok. Unless these people continue to contact you, then you can let them know you are not interested in maintaining a relationship



datsloth
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

03 Mar 2018, 10:59 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wish that didn’t happen to you.

But why not be his friend?

I think, in this case, it would be better than ghosting.

You seem to like this person, warts and all.


So after that happened, I have stopped talking to him again, this time I made a public post "I would forget everything including you" on the same social media we use. He found out and messaged me, asked why did I act like that for the first time, finally I felt as though he cared about what I felt so I went back telling him that I felt neglected as friend, he talked about how special he had treated me already and said I only wanted him to myself then suddenly started talking about how good that girl is. I ended up telling him no and I didn't want him anymore. We exchanged "good luck", and here am I not talking to him again although he sent me messages.

For the reason why not being his friend YET, because I still have feeling for him, if I stay close and see him gets a new girl someday, I would be desperately devastated, so I want to wait til my love withers



Romansky123
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 86
Location: Sunrise,Fl

03 Mar 2018, 11:03 am

It tends to take as while to figure it out but please don't do it. Just like everyone else we need of closure and if a relationship ends without proper closure it can take us years to get over it


_________________
We both see the same World, but in a different way. Ty Feels the same joy I do, the joy of creation. We feel all the same things, only the shape of our feelings are different.
[Cassandra Clare][Lady Midnight]


datsloth
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

03 Mar 2018, 11:15 am

Kiriae wrote:
I don't know what is the whole thing with "ghosting". Is it when you ignore someone despite reading their messages? I am faulty of this too - either because I was busy at that moment, I didn't feel like talking at the moment or the person was annoying and wouldn't react to me asking them to stop bothering me.
In first 2 cases I will answer eventually. In the 3rd one - it depends what the issue was.

The longest period so far was 2 years because I was tired of an ex saying he is "sorry" and begging me to get back to him. There was no point in me answering anymore - I made my mind and explained my reasoning to him and even told him what to do if he wants me to make up with him("Just change the subject") and clearly said I will not be answering his "sorry, please forgive me, I will change my whole personality for you" messages anymore but he kept sending them daily for 3 months so I ended up blocking him. I didn't mind staying friends with him and wasn't even angry with him - I simply figured we were not romantically compatible because he was too emotionally sensitive and I was too logical, which caused argument after argument (I carelessly said something I considered the greatest complement such as - "The whole thing is like a huge experiment for me, I never experienced anything like this before." - and he was assuming it means I am "just toying with him").

I am not sure if i ever was on the other side of the sword though. I think so - I have a friend(she is my high school best friend and my college years crush which makes it a little complicated) that tends to answer me after 2 weeks or doesn't answer at all and her excuse is "fb didn't let me know you messaged" and when we manage to talk and I am asking her when we can met she keeps saying stuff like she can't because it's her dads/moms/brothers/aunts/cats birthday and she needs to participate in their party or they get angry with her or that she had a fight with her parents so she isn't allowed to go anywhere(she is 29yo!). When I tell her "You just don't want to go, admit it." she says it isn't the case and her reasons are real though.
Oh, well. What can I do? Not like I don't have anything better to do with my life than meeting her. I have other friends and it's not like I still want to go out with her or anything.

I don't recall anyone ignoring me forever though. But maybe I just forgotten about it. Like I said - I have better things to do than contact someone who clearly doesn't want to speak with me.

And with my messaging pattern it's not unusual for ghosting getting missed. Sometimes I won't message someone for a few months just to speak to them as if we talked a week ago. I have really poor sense of time. If not for stuff like birthdays and other events I would easily go without contacting friends for a few years and wouldn't even realize it unless they made some contact first or we talked daily.

Oh, wait. Actually did get ghosted once. I just recalled.
A classmate in high school invited me to the prom, took me to a date and kept telling me he loves me, even in front of whole class. Then the prom came. I childishly refused to dance with him and played games with my group of friends all night long. After that he stopped contacting me (we went back to being classmates and wouldn't even talk) and a few weeks passed like that. Then I said "I am breaking up with you." to make it clear and he coldly answered "I don't know what you are talking about". That's all.


I was like emotional sensitive like your ex, and my ex was like you, we always argued too, and after split, I asked if we could get back together too for a few times. The difference is he didn't block me and still wanted to be friends. He was the one who kept approaching me messages everyday and still even though I ignored or postponed to reply. I don't know how long can it last. I'm ignoring him again right now, this time I want to go for a month. He seems to not know what I do is trying to getting rid of my feeling for him. Should I go back telling him? If so, should I say "I will answer your messages when I have time" or bluntly tell him " i want to be friend after I lose all my feelings for you"?



datsloth
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

03 Mar 2018, 11:25 am

banana247 wrote:
I always try to put it in the context of "real life".

For instance, it would be pretty rude and low to simply ignore a person who is sitting next to you and trying to talk to you. If the person really doesn't realize you're mad, you would probably need to tell them that you're mad and why, even if it seems obvious. You would probably either begin to soften as you hear them apologizing, or tell them to bug off (whether for now, or forever). You might get up and move away from them. If they kept on following you, you would probably repeatedly tell them to you leave alone, and then get in your car and leave the party. If they kept following you in their car or kept showing up at your house, you might call the cops.

It sounds like you've already had the conversations about why you're upset, tried to move away, and now you're at the point where you left the party but he keeps showing up at your house and ringing the doorbell. Hard to say if he's just being a jerk, or if there's still somehow a part of your reaction that he can't understand, but ignoring it isn't really a feasible long term solution.

My opinion... I think the choice would be to grit your teeth, block him completely on all platforms, and be done with it. OR, if you feel like it's still worth fighting for and that maybe he could be capable of changing, then I think you would definitely need intervention from an outside party. Maybe a therapist or at least some outside opinions from wise and trusted folks. It may not be totally hopeless, but I'm sure it will take a lot of work from both parties to get back to a healthy place. Good luck...


He got a referral letter after months of waiting, is going to meet his first therapist soon, I hope things go better from there.
And thank you...



Lonehiker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 7 May 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 68
Location: UK

04 Mar 2018, 5:04 am

I personally don't like ghosting and wouldn’t want to do it myself, but I think there are some situations where it may be ideal. I have been ghosted in the past and even though we got back together for a while I would have been perfectly happy if she was direct and honest with me at the time.