How do I repair this relationship?

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A few years ago, I moved into a new city, not far from where I'd lived originally. I got to know the people in my new ward (church area.) One girl caught my attention, though I didn't know why. We'll call her Ginny. I got to know her brother and her parents well, and they were awesome people. I became attached to her family and enjoyed a three-way friendship with her and her brother.

I was slow to admit I had feelings for her; my last crush was years ago and had not ended well, so I'd promised myself not to develop feelings for anyone else until I was an adult. I should have known I wouldn't be able to keep that promise. She was a much better candidate than my last love interest; for one, she was actually a member of my church, and one of the most spiritual people I know. She's athletic (I'm not, so I like that) and better with kids than I am (I'm good but she's really good.) That, and the fact that her family seemed like they would make perfect inlaws, led me to admit that I had fallen for her.

Well, years passed, and I'd had several awkward experiences with her that I hoped she'd forgotten. Up to this point, they were small, typical Aspie incidents that hadn't affected our relationship. I don't think she knew how I felt about her, and I was too shy to say something. I was planning to, but I didn't know when. When her brother (we'll call him Ron) got his mission call, I realized I needed to make my move.

During a church excursion, I decided I would tell her how I felt. However, she was giving some bad vibes. She moved when I sat near her, and that prompted me to assume the worst. I decided to approach her the next day and took her aside. I asked her if I creeped her out, to which she replied that I didn't. Before I could explain why I was worried that I did, we were interrupted and I never got the chance to find out why she'd been acting strangely. But I stopped worrying. I decided it wasn't the right time to tell her how I felt, but at least I hadn't scared her off. I thought.

A few similar incidents occurred, where she would seem uncomfortable, I would panic at the slightest indication that she was distancing herself, and disregard my suspicions at the slightest indication that I was overreacting. Obviously, not an effective way to tell if someone is uncomfortable around you or not, especially if they're hiding it to spare your feelings. Which she had done before.

Before I knew it, Ron had left on his mission. I found myself wondering why I hadn't confided in him about this and I regretted it bitterly. But his leaving made me realize that I was not as close to Ginny as I had been to Ron. I planned to talk to her at the next dance and express a desire to know each other better.

That plan came crashing down when she sprinted away whenever I approached and left the dance early. I realized I had screwed up, bigtime. For the next few months or so I tried to get a moment with her where I could talk to her about things, but either she was too busy or I would freeze up. I remember a few instances where she agreed to talk to me before we were interrupted; one time, when I asked if we could speak in private, she mistook my intention when I tried to take her aside and assumed I was simply walking away. (I probably should have specified the 'in private' part; I didn't mention that when I asked if we could talk.)

Finally, I decided to send her a direct message even though she never responded to them. To my surprise, she asked me what I wanted to talk to her about, and I replied that I had noticed she was uncomfortable. She said it made her uncomfortable when I followed her around. I apologized, explained the situation, and tried to ask if there was anything else that I was doing to make her uncomfortable, but she left me on seen. I had to make sure in person that things were okay, but when I tried to do that, I realized that made her uncomfortable and backed off.

When things started looking good again, I would let my guard way down and set things back to square one, so I decided she needed more space and I would gradually attempt to ease our relationship back into good terms. When I realized that she had been uncomfortable around me the entire time simply by my being in the room, I was crushed. I hadn't made any progress at all since the fallout. She came to see me in a play I performed in, so I had a mutual friend pass her a letter I wrote apologizing for everything and telling her I intended to cut off all interaction on my end for the time being. My friend (we'll call her Luna) who I'd confided in about all this, met the girl I'd told her so much about. They talked to each other, and Luna said Ginny was nice and that Ginny had told her that she had a hard part to play (Luna played my love interest in the play.) I have no idea what that meant.

So for the next month, I lived in fear of making her uncomfortable, which meant that I was much more uncomfortable around her than vice versa. Whenever she was in the room I would make sure to be on the farthest side of it from her. I completely avoided so much as glancing her way if I could help it. There were times where I would bolt across the room to get away from her. She made no effort to interact with me.

At Luna's suggestion, I decided to stop being afraid and dip my toe back in the water again. The result was an awkward activity night in which I unsuccessfully tried to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day (she wasn't paying attention when I said it) and embarrassed myself several times in front of her, berating myself out loud at times for my clumsiness. (I don't know if she heard; I wasn't exactly shouting and I always turned my back when I did it.) Tellingly, when I sat in a chair, not realizing she had put her jacket next to it on the floor, she sent her bestie to get it instead of coming herself.

I became frustrated with her. Her Twitter account (which she had for exactly one year and abandoned about the time I moved in) was full of retweets containing self-deprecating jokes about unattractiveness, tweets written to an unknown crush who was out of her league, and there was a retweet about how much it sucked when you could feel someone growing apart from someone you cared about. These tweets expressed my feelings, so she had obviously felt the same way about someone else that I had felt about her. Luna suggested I tell her how I felt (excluding the fact that I had read her old tweets) and I decided to do so at the earliest opportunity.

Well, last Sunday I had several opportunities to speak with her, but I kept freezing up. So, as I later realized, it seemed like I was following her around with seemingly no purpose. I should have realized when I messaged her, asking if I still made her uncomfortable, that she would leave me on seen. By now I'm fairly certain she knows how I feel about her and doesn't feel the same. Everyone says just to give her space, but I feel like there's a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. I just don't know what that is or what I should do about it.

I think you have to bite the bullet on this one. Tell her directly how you feel in person.

I want to, believe me, but every time I freeze up and that makes things worse. And by now she seems very reluctant to talk to me. How do I make her feel comfortable enough to let me approach her?

Not sure if that is going to happen at this point, seems like you might have blew it with this. I mean from what it sounds like you kind of started acting weird around her when you learned you liked her more than just a friend and never clearly told her why. So to her you've just been acting weird for a long time to the point its made her feel uncomfortable around you...

Also why did you berate yourself at an event? I mean she already has been made uncomfortable and you think turning your back to everyone and berating yourself was going to help matters just seems like you've been unintentionally doing everything you can to make yourself unappealing to her. Also its not good to look at peoples personal messeges on their social media accounts...how did you even get her Twitter info to get into her account and look at her messeges? But yeah that is a creepy thing to do unless someone gives you permission.

She might change her mind if you tell her how you feel.

That’s the only way you’ll resolve this.

Twitter is a public platform. You don't have to log in to see people's tweets. I never looked at her private messages, I don't know where you got that idea.

You have two options, which are a) tell her how you feel, even if it's a message at this stage or b) move on and stop following her around.

I think you'll have to be honest and say it's why you've been so weird around her since, you know, forever.

Realistically I think you had a time where option a was definitely a go to, and now it's gonna be option b.
That's not entirely a negative. It means you were desirable enough, which means if you focus your attention on other women you're bound to find someone else who is compatible.

It's an amazing feeling when you meet someone who triggers that much of an emotional response. But if it's this overwhelming it might be best to find someone else; someone who you feel safe around enough to tell them you like them.

Well I don't use twitter, so not really familiar with how it works, I thought you meant you were looking at her private messages like on her personal account, not just stuff she wrote publicly so nevermind on that bit.

Either way though seems like there has been a communication breakdown between you and her, and I am not sure it can be fixed. The only chance I think is if you can actually talk to her about all this, but she might be too frustrated with you to want to repair the relationship let alone consider a relationship....so talk to her if she will sit down and talk with you, but if not then there isn't really anything you can do.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 28 Feb 2018, 7:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

And really, I try not to follow her around, but how are you supposed to talk to each other in person if you’re not in person? I totally dropped the ball by freezing up. Maybe if I’d said what I meant to she wouldn’t be uncomfortable now.

I’m seeing her tonight. I’m going to go with my gut on whether I should give it some time or apologize for last time we met.

Well go up to her and tell her you need to talk to her, and then actually tell her how you feel, if you can't do it without freezing up than send her a message online, a text or give her a call even if that would make you less nervous. But yeah she probably would be less uncomfortable if you would have said what you mean. So at this point you really need to say what you mean ASAP...because each time you don't its going to create another awkward interaction.

Also, I would advise against apologizing for last time you met, she is probably getting sick of your endless apologizes for every little mistake/blunder you feel you have made....I'd say it would be better to just say how you feel. She'd probably be more receptive if you don't start with a shower of apologies.

I feel like messaging her won't work given how unresponsive she is to them. And I wasn't exactly planning on a shower, just a "sorry about last Sunday." You really think I should just leave that out? Because I trust your judgement if you do, but I wasn't planning on making a huge deal out of it. Goodness knows she's overwhelmed as it is.

Well here is my opinion on all of this.

1. You seem to develop feelings for girls easily so I don't see the point in getting so worked up about it that you freeze up when you try to talk to them. If you get rejected, chances are you will meet another girl you will develop feelings for and have a chance to try again with her.

2. You may not realize it but you hold a skewed perspective of relationships that is very common for young men on the spectrum to hold. You listed the reasons she was a good match for you but neglected to consider her perspectives and the dynamics between the two of you.

3. It's good to have a well thought out approach, it's bad to hesitate when she's standing right in front of you, such that you freeze up and just stare or follow her around like a stalker. Have you ever watched mountain goats hop around cliffs? They don't hesitate because if they hesitate they will fall. If you get someone's attention such that they expect something from you and you don't deliver, you will puzzle them and leave them to make assumptions, and it's bad when people make assumptions. There was a guy in college who used to walk up behind me and then just stand there breathing heavily. That was creepy. I nicknamed him "creepy guy" in my mind. I only found out 10 years later that he had a crush on me and was too shy to say anything. Had he made it known at the time, or had actually started a conversation with me rather than just stand there breathing down my neck, things may have gone differently than they did...it's not like he had much competition.

4. If I were in your position, I would just tell her "Hey I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I creeped you out. The truth is, I've been trying to ask you out but I was too shy to get the words out and kept freezing up."

And then leave it. No self depreciating remark, no "I understand if you never want to see me again" or similar guilt tripping, intentional or otherwise. I would just be direct, clear up the misunderstanding, and leave it.

I don’t think I do develop feelings easy. I’ve never had multiple crushes at a time, and they’ve always been about four years apart.


I’m trying to find that out.



I think she already knows I like her, but obviously I want to tell her explicitly and remove any ambiguity.



I’m not trying to ask her out at this point. I was planning to, but now I just want things to not be awkward. I just don’t feel comfortable discussing how to work out our awkwardness unless it’s in private. So I’ve been planning to take her aside, assess how uncomfortable she is, ask if there’s anything we can do to fix it (this is where I’ll explain Aspergers) and express a desire to be friends with her. I’ll also tell her I have feelings for her but understand if she doesn’t reciprocate them (sans self-deprecating remark.) After we’ve established a good platonic relationship I’ll ask her out.

During the activity tonight, I wasn’t able to discuss anything with her, but I was able to tap her on the shoulder and say, “Hey, I’m sorry about last Sunday. That was awkward.” She said “that’s okay.” Things seemed relaxed, though I’m not always the best judge of that or I’d have gotten out of this situation by now. I’m thinking next time I’ll see about making my move. I’m definitely not to going to approach her unless I have complete confidence that I won’t hesitate.

If I understand the situation clearly, you've known this girl for a number of years?
She was relatively comfortable around you until her brother was no longer around to act as a buffer?
In all that time has she said anything or made any move to indicate to you that she has deeper feelings for you? You have been focusing pretty exclusively on your feelings but I have no idea how she feels. Might that be the best first question to ask?
I.E. - I just wanted to know what you thought about me? Not " do I make you uncomfortable?" because that's kind of like asking "do you not hate me?"
Or if you freeze up so much,
Is it possible to find out from a trusted third party what she thinks of you?

Hm. That’s a very good point. That should be the first question I ask.

In the past, I suspected it likely that she could return the (at the time) small infatuation I had with her. One awkward incident between us was that I used to hug her often and she wasn’t comfortable with it. A third party informed me that habit was making certain people uncomfortable. When I asked her if I was making her uncomfortable she denied it, but later my mom said she just didn’t want to tell me because she “really liked me.” I don’t know if she had a crush on me or not, but that did give me more reason to pursue he. However, I opted to stop the hugging. From there I adopted the habit of flashing her a smile across the room when I saw her, which she would return. So, as of about two or three years back, those were her feelings toward me as clear as I am aware of them. When I asked her brother for advice when things went south last year, he said she thought I was an awesome guy but he was pretty sure she just wasn’t really interested. I asked a friend to find out who she liked and he replied that she liked no one at the moment, so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have feelings for me, but if she doesn’t have feelings for anyone else she might be open to me if we can work past this awkwardness. Of course, he asked her at around 11 at night, which makes me wonder if she was at all suspicious and maybe untruthful. I should have clarified that I didn’t want him to asked her at the same time I told him to find out. But I haven’t seen too much evidence that she has any major crushes right now.