What is asking too much help or too little?

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My therapist said I had abandonment issues from childhood, so she told me to try asking for help more. Other friends told me I ask too little help too. Thing is when I tried asking for help a lot more, friends began talking about how I ask for too much help now. It’s even guilt inducing at times. So then I moved back to asking too little help, and they told me I’m abandoning myself again.

I don’t get it. Is there like a specific context for this stuff, maybe? The type of people I ask and their specific situations? Maybe the way I ask for help is wrong?

I feel pretty guilty I don’t seem to get it. Either I’m hurting myself or I’m hurting others.

Anyone can help me think a lot less black and white?

I noticed that no one has replied to your post, so I thought I'd take a shot at answering your question.

Please keep in mind that as a reclusive introvert, I only have work and home. Although I am friendly with people at work, I don't interact with anyone off campus. After learning I was autistic 4 years ago, I made the deliberate decision NOT to have friends because developing and maintaining a friendship takes up time and emotional energy. Since I enjoy being alone, it doesn't bother me to not have friends.

With this being said, I used to have friends. I've never had a large circle of friends but the people I regarded as friends were reasonably loyal.

It's been my experience that friendship is a two way street. I tend to think of friendship as a scale. If you do favors for a friend, your friend (if that person really is a friend) should at some point do favors for your of equal or slightly greater value than what you did for them.

Have you ever watched The Big Bang Theory? Sheldon Cooper is an autistic character who struggles with interpersonal relationship.


One of my favorite episode involved Sheldon trying to anticipate what people would give him for Christmas so that he could gift them in return with an item of equal value. When Penny gave him an autographed napkin signed by Leonard Nimoy which he had also used to wipe his mouth, Sheldon nearly fainted because he now had access to Leonard Nimoy's DNA. He subsequently rushed into his bedroom and staggered back to the living room bearing an armful of presents.

When Penny questioned what he was doing, Sheldon observed that these girts were not nearly enough to offset the value of Penny's present. He subsequently gave her a hug even though physical contact and the intrusion of his personal body space was very uncomfortable with him.

Penny was thrilled.

It is my understanding that the best friendships are always quid pro quo and that favors are given for favors received. Neurotypicals seem to have an innate understanding of this. Many of us on the spectrum struggle with the concept. After all, how does one value the favor of house sitting and feeding one's cats? How does one value being picked up from the airport?

I used to think that a monetary transaction would be the most simple but after upsetting some people who complained that they were friends and not cabbies or service technicians, I revised this approach in favor of trading services in kind.

Since I'm a chef and I enjoy cooking or baking, I began making meals for people who have done me a favor. For example, during this past school year, the art teach painted a picture of a radish and gave it to me. I am not sure why she did this because I hadn't requested any art work from her. If I had asked for a drawing, it would have for something much more scrumptious than a radish. With this being said, the quid pro quo expectation required me to gift her with something in exchange. Since I know she doesn't bake, I made her some banana nut bread. I also made her lunch and offered her Pasta Alfredo with a side of toasted garlic bread.

I wish I could say that I had a good understanding of the give and take of friendships. Sadly it has been my experience that people just take and take and take. I once invited a friend to my home for weekly dinners on Saturday. He also came for all holiday meals. During holidays and his birthday, I always gave him a present. It took me a year to realize that he never reciprocated. He never offered to make a meal for me or to treat me to dinner at a restaurant. He never gave me a gift. He never even invited me into his home.

(Sigh)

I think each friendship is different and I think you have to find a balance within each friendship. You can't just give and give and give. It would also be highly improper for you to take and take and take.

In recent days I've seen a commercial on TV. Two neighbors were checking their mailboxes and one asked another if he knew of any good roofers. When the other guy said yes, the pushy neighbor asked for him to screen several roofers to get quotes and to book one of these roofing companies for a job some two weeks from now.

That's an example of someone who just takes and takes and takes.

Psychology Today defines friendship as one of equality. "If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, while the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can't be said to define a true friendship."

You may read more about this in the attached article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201312/the-true-meaning-friendship

I hope this helps!

David