A portal to Hell opened up in my kitchen.

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Guys. I need your help. A portal to Hell just opened up in my kitchen. The brimstone is getting all over my new curtains and it smells like crap. The Devil is right here right now and he's stealing all of the Kraft Dinner that I was saving up for my dinner party. I tried calling the cops, but they didn't do anything because the cops are all pawns of the globalist new world order. They basically told me that I was lying when I phoned them, so they are obviously working for the NWO.

I'm not precisely sure how the portal opened. Perhaps it opened because I put metal in the microwave. I guess that's why you aren't supposed to do that. You learn something new every day I guess! I certainly did!

Anyways, I need your advice on some things.

- Can you turn tap water into holy water by praying over it, or do you need to be a minister or something?
- How do you get the smell of brimstone out of fabric? My neighbor Margaret created a portal to Hell a few months ago by tying buttered toast to her cat. To this day, her carpet still smells like brimstone even though she has used every cleaning product under the sun.
- The Devil says that he will only leave my kitchen if I get him some Lay's WOW Chips, but they haven't been sold since 1998. Do you know where I could find some?
- What do demons eat? They won't stop licking my butter, and so I'm thinking that I could lure them into the yard with some sausages or perhaps something else.
- Should I call the fire department? I'm not sure if Hellfire can be extinguished with a hose.

All advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much for your assistance.

Take advantage of the situation and toast some marshmallows.

Holy water was invented by him, it won't work


Maybe you should ask her cat?


Forget about chips, tell him to do the dishes, because your mother is coming for dinner.


Put some anti-haemorrhoids balm on your butter, if I were you I wouldn't risk my sausage...


Fight fire with fire, it should help with the brimestone problem also.

Man that sounds like a party! The only thing that happens in my house ia rhe fire alarm going off whem I burn s**t or the dog getting sprayes by a skunk.

Anything is better than having your appliances possessed. Before the exorcism all I could get put of my rice cooker was triticale.

Sounds like you need to find yourself a patsy who's soul you can offer in exchange for a quiet life!

Me, me, pick me!

(Althought I don't know what patsy means, I don't have microwave nor a cat. But I've already traded my ultimate happiness for a sandwich, so nothing holds me here anymore)

Does she really wear Prada?

I tried to imagine you cooking before I opened this thread and I could see that logically following from the premise.

Is the devil a hot lady?

Nope. He's a fat manchild who burps loudly without saying "excuse me".

In other words, he is like a typical Satanist.

Switch to vegan butter, demons can’t stand it.

Damn I wish something like that would happen in my kitchen, sounds pretty metal.

There are advantages,let the demon answer the door if it’s Jehovahs Witness calling.The sulfur smell will also repel bugs and you’ll save a ton on heating this winter.

These guys will solve your problem for you.

hey, I used to be a Satanist and I'm not a fat manchild...though I have been known to burp without saying 'excuse me'.