How do you let go?

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Almost six months ago, I came out of a relationship after just under eight months of dating. While I'd had some short lived 'relationships' before in my late teens, this was the first relationship I'd had in about 5 years, as well as being the first where the other person loved me in return (and I loved her to the extent that I question if I loved the ex who I was with for six months whom I thought I was 'in love with' at the age of 17) and my first sexual relationship.

Over the past few months, I've desperately tried to move on in whatever way I can. Writing music (which yielded results I'm happy with, but I don't think it's helped me move on), online therapy (a bit of a bust since I wasn't told anything that I wouldn't have been told for free by someone without a fancy certificate), and have even been on a couple of dates since then (nothing that's progressed past a first date though). While I've had some great experiences over this time, I can't quite seem to let go of the relationship. It was mostly great, the only issues we had were due to me holding back out of fear of upsetting or offending her and not always being able to tell if she was joking and not having as much back and forth teasing with her. I just feel that it was my fault that things ended up the way they did. I understand that things didn't work out, but I can't help but get stuck thinking 'what if things were different?' All I want is to be able to be happy without constantly ending up in this state that I should really be over by now (or at least starting to get over). Any advice on how to let someone go?

My only advice is that it will take time. I was heartbroken by a college girlfriend and there is no easy way. Time will heal.

After the first break-up, I dove deeper into my studies, and graduated near the top of my class.

After the most recent break-up, I dove deeper into my work, and received six promotions in six years.

Similar chains of events in between.

Diverting the energy of rejection into studies or career seemed to be most effective for me.

You can basically either put that negative energy into something you love - a method that helped me cope somewhat when my heart was broken - or wait it out. Two equally effective methods.

Solid advice, it's been the exact same for me.
After my first real breakup I studied like mad, and was at the top of almost every class.

It's amazing how a break-up can drive a person into either manic activity or depressive imobility.

I did that, I ended up writing an EP that I'm incredibly proud of and excited to release. That didn't seem to work in the long run since obviously I ended up creating this thread about how I still haven't let go.

The saying "time heals all wounds" is actually very true. The older you get, the more perspective you gain, and the more you understand this.

^ I'm aware of the sentiment, but it's been nearly six months, and I still haven't moved on. Waiting this out clearly hasn't helped, and everything else just ends up being a temporary distraction

What happens when you’re in the midst of the “temporary distractions”?

Do you feel you’ve been able to “move on,” then?

I do get it, though. It all comes back to you....and it’s frustrating.

Only six months? My first break-up took longer than that. Other break-ups took less time to get over. Some break-ups took only a good, long nap to get over (break-up in the morning, new gf by evening).

There is really no set time to how long it takes to recover from a break-up; but I can tell you that it will take the longest when you remain inactive and dwell upon it.

So stay busy, and fill your mind with distractions.

If anything, I just get a temporary boost of happiness that numbs what I'm feeling. All I'm hoping is that, once my EP's released, I'll be able to form a band to play the songs live and get back into playing live music (something I loved doing years ago but had to stop due to other commitments preventing my band from being able to do stuff on a regular basis). Maybe playing gigs again will be enough to get me out this funk

Just let them be free & be happy.. if you love them, then you want them to be happy - even if it's not with you. Having that mindset made it much easier to accept that someone I was dating didn't want a relationship with me. Other than that, only the passing of time can make it easier.

Yes, this, too. Have some solo pursuits, goals, and dreams to focus on! Everything happens for a reason, it's just that sometimes we don't know what that reason is yet. If Fnord hadn't had those breakups, he may not have then had those achievements & the world might be without something he's electrically engineered.

Different than Fnord, but if I were distracted by a relationship ever, maybe I wouldn't have done the things I have & wouldn't be on the path to doing the things I'm going to do. Some of us are meant for other things besides relationships. We just need to figure out what those things are and then do them in life.

These things have got to be down to the individual and theres no set time limits to wait. Ive spent 12 yrs grieving and in between thrown myself into so many things trying to stop that process. Sadly those things have just piled on top of the grief when they went wrong and so you end up with loads of complex issues. What Ive learnt now is that if you want to really heal then face the things head on and really let them out, analyse the s**t out of them if that helps or cry your guts out if you need to.

If you do throw yourself into other things with this stuff in the background it always comes to the fore at vunlnerable times and kicks your ass anyway.

Avoidance is never useful, even if its avoidance by work/study etc, learn from what its got to teach you and then letting go is easier.

I haven't been through a bad breakup before, but my first romantic relationship ended with the guy just disappearing from my life. I questioned if I had done something wrong to make him leave me. I relived all of the good moments and compared other relationships with this one, because I was so enthralled with him. He made me laugh, he wanted to be a member of my imagined church, he seemed to love books... He was perfect! And then nothingness. I mourned him for six months plus. I was kind of pressured into another relationship some time later. This took my attention away from the pain, but the experience never left me. To this day, I still wonder what happened to him and why he left. This is 16 years later and I am in a committed long term relationship. So, I would say letting go is a complex process. I do not mourn for that man any longer, I just wonder.
Have you lost other relationships that weren't romantic? It took me a year to stop crying every night for the loss of my first cat. A friend said she would come and visit me at my new apartment. She has not. She doesn't write. She doesn't call. That was 5 years ago, and I just surrendered our friendship recently. I had to put my second cat to sleep last February, and the pain of that loss is still strong, even after creative measures to release it, counseling, and an attempt at replacement. (Which is impossible. But I do feel less pain having another cat around.)

About the only thing that has helped me get over both my exes is getting in another realtionship. I'm still hung up on them & our past realtionship but not quite as much as I used to be. My 1st realtionship ended 15 years ago & I've been living with my current girlfriend over 5 & a half years now & I had a 6 month relationship a couple years before. I was pretty obsessed with all 3 of my girlfriends & our relationship & still am. I tried focusing on other things like being a workaholic, enjoying my interests, a support group for people with anxiety & depression & bipolar disorder, counseling, & OCD treatment. All that stuff helped alittle but I'm still pretty hung up on things. I guess at this point I kind of accepted that this is the way things will always be & I just try to figure out how to live & have a life within it.