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Are the key to good friendships low expectations?

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alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 9:25 am

I often wonder why my friendships never last and I have come to the conclusion it´s maybe due to the fact that I have too high demands on myself as a friend and too high expectations on others. I often see two friends together and discover that one of them is clearly the "racehorse" and the other one is the "donkey". Often they have been friends "for yeeeeears" as well. I don´t understand how the "donkey" could put up with the "racehorse" and are okey of being the second banana for life, or are the person just realistic?

Are some people just friends because it´s easy and have low expectations, or are there actually really solid balanced friendships where both are racehorses or donkeys together? I sure hope so.

/Merry Xmas from a Donkey


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kraftiekortie
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07 Dec 2018, 9:28 am

The key to a good friendship is NO expectations. My friend is not EXPECTED to do anything for me.

People do things because they want to do them. People help you because they want to help you. No obligation.

My friendships are always on a non-obligatory basis.

If I feel like lending you a couple of dollars, I will. If I don't, I won't.



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07 Dec 2018, 9:39 am

alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. Once I figured that out, my whole attitude about how myself and others took a 180° turn for the better.

People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky.

And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?



Last edited by Fnord on 07 Dec 2018, 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 9:42 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
The key to a good friendship is NO expectations. My friend is not EXPECTED to do anything for me.

People do things because they want to do them. People help you because they want to help you. No obligation.

My friendships are always on a non-obligatory basis.

If I feel like lending you a couple of dollars, I will. If I don't, I won't.


But really.... does your friend actually has NO expectations of you at all? That doesn´t sound like a close friendship to me, more a distant one.


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alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 9:45 am

Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again.

People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky.

And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?


You mean that you are as bad as they are? Then you deserve each other with those low expectations, whatever float your boat. I try to be a good friend because I believe that there are nice people out there, even if they are few...


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Fnord
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07 Dec 2018, 9:53 am

alpacka wrote:
Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky. And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?
You mean that you are as bad as they are?
No, I mean that they are no better than I. This includes all of our political and religious leaders, all of the wealthy people, all of the celebrities, all of the bosses and supervisors, and every single member of this website.

It also means YOU.

alpacka wrote:
Then you deserve each other with those low expectations, whatever float your boat.
I forgot to mention that people also tend to be judgmental and condescending. Sorry 'bout that.
alpacka wrote:
I try to be a good friend because I believe that there are nice people out there, even if they are few...
I try to be a good friend to those who are first good to me, even if they are few...



kraftiekortie
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07 Dec 2018, 9:59 am

I have some close friendships where there are NO expectations. If you want to hang out, fine. If you're too busy, fine as well.

People do things because they WANT to do them. Not because they feel OBLIGATED to do them.

If a friend of mine is in a jam, I try to do the best I can for them. I'm not obligated to SUCCEED in getting them out of the jam. But I feel like it's morally right to at least try to help. But I'm not OBLIGATED to help that person.



RichardJ
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07 Dec 2018, 10:10 am

Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. Once I figured that out, my whole attitude about how myself and others took a 180° turn for the better.

People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky.

And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?


I find this is a philosophy for all of life, people tell me to be positive, my response is "Why, so I can continually be disappointed". Expoect the worst and you'll be happily surprised when it doesn't happen on the off chance, expect the best and be continually disappointed,


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Fnord
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07 Dec 2018, 10:15 am

RichardJ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. Once I figured that out, my whole attitude about how myself and others took a 180° turn for the better. People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky. And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?
I find this is a philosophy for all of life, people tell me to be positive, my response is "Why, so I can continually be disappointed?". Expoect the worst and you'll be happily surprised when it doesn't happen on the off chance, expect the best and be continually disappointed,
"Prepare for the worst and hope for the best" seems to work for personal relationships, too.



alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 10:25 am

If you really expect nothing....you often get nothing because you don't wish for it, and you give nothing because you think no one will return anything.

So there it is, just nothing at all


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alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 10:27 am

RichardJ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. Once I figured that out, my whole attitude about how myself and others took a 180° turn for the better.

People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky.

And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?


I find this is a philosophy for all of life, people tell me to be positive, my response is "Why, so I can continually be disappointed". Expoect the worst and you'll be happily surprised when it doesn't happen on the off chance, expect the best and be continually disappointed,


I never expect "the best" ever, but I'm disappointed anyway :D


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alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 10:31 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I have some close friendships where there are NO expectations. If you want to hang out, fine. If you're too busy, fine as well.

People do things because they WANT to do them. Not because they feel OBLIGATED to do them.

If a friend of mine is in a jam, I try to do the best I can for them. I'm not obligated to SUCCEED in getting them out of the jam. But I feel like it's morally right to at least try to help. But I'm not OBLIGATED to help that person.


So if you are hurt and need help this friend won't help you because they are not obligated to? #friendshipgoals


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07 Dec 2018, 10:32 am

alpacka wrote:
RichardJ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
Are the key to good friendships low expectations?
Yes. Expect the worst from people and you will never be disappointed again. Once I figured that out, my whole attitude about how myself and others took a 180° turn for the better. People are selfish, mean, ignorant, impatient, cruel, arrogant, stupid, prideful, opinionated, violent, and sometimes just plain icky. And since they are no better than I, why should I expect them to be better than I?
I find this is a philosophy for all of life, people tell me to be positive, my response is "Why, so I can continually be disappointed". Expoect the worst and you'll be happily surprised when it doesn't happen on the off chance, expect the best and be continually disappointed,
I never expect "the best" ever, but I'm disappointed anyway.
Then lower your expectations even further, or you will be disappointed again.

And again ... and again ...



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07 Dec 2018, 10:35 am

alpacka wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I have some close friendships where there are NO expectations. If you want to hang out, fine. If you're too busy, fine as well. People do things because they WANT to do them. Not because they feel OBLIGATED to do them. If a friend of mine is in a jam, I try to do the best I can for them. I'm not obligated to SUCCEED in getting them out of the jam. But I feel like it's morally right to at least try to help. But I'm not OBLIGATED to help that person.
So if you are hurt and need help this friend won't help you because they are not obligated to?
That happens a lot.

Friends are friends because they WANT to be friends -- not because there is any obligation to be friends.

I help my friends because I WANT to help them, and they help me for the same reason.



kraftiekortie
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07 Dec 2018, 10:40 am

Most likely, the friend WILL help. The friend is not OBLIGATED to help, though.

I would be disappointed, of course, if the friend didn't come through for me. I would want to know the reason.

But I don't believe it's OBLIGATORY for a person to do what he/she doesn't want to do.



alpacka
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07 Dec 2018, 10:42 am

Fnord wrote:
alpacka wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I have some close friendships where there are NO expectations. If you want to hang out, fine. If you're too busy, fine as well. People do things because they WANT to do them. Not because they feel OBLIGATED to do them. If a friend of mine is in a jam, I try to do the best I can for them. I'm not obligated to SUCCEED in getting them out of the jam. But I feel like it's morally right to at least try to help. But I'm not OBLIGATED to help that person.
So if you are hurt and need help this friend won't help you because they are not obligated to?
That happens a lot.

Friends are friends because they WANT to be friends -- not because there is any obligation to be friends.

I help my friends because I WANT to help them, and they help me for the same reason.


The "want to" and "obligated" has a very fine line especially in emergencies


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