Masking(acting) to the point I don't know myself

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I call it cleaning out the attic...
So many here seem to have a very similar experience, as I had, of ontological insecurity...



I personally believe the disconnect some of us have with social reality and ourselves <sic> is due to our being conditioned/brainwashed into accepting a "neurotypical social operating system" as children rather than an inherent/organic autistic mindset...
Trying to be something/k we are not cripples the self-actualisation process, which is probably part of the reason for our general developmental delay...
I am talking from experience here...

I am typically erratic in my thinking due to our autistic executive functioning disorder, but I have noticed I seem to make connections (between intellectual constructs) that many other people miss...

I believe most autistic people would fail/do-poorly at sequencing tests...
I did when I went to have a psych test done via a registered psychologist...

So yes...
I agree...

Perhaps you are on the rim of the bell curve...<shrug>
I have absolutely no problem looking into someone's eyes...
We are all on a spectrum...

I just realized the same thing a few weeks back. My therapist stopped me while I was talking and asked how I was feeling...and I couldn't tell her. I can usually tell "good" from "bad," but sometimes no more than that. I'm good at written tests listing symptoms of a feeling (i.e. red face, quick breathing, etc is "angry"), but I'm bad at identifying those symptoms in myself.

I think I learned to ignore my feelings so often, because I had to "push through" feeling uncomfortable or bad to do what was expected of me. And I often had to limit what I did like to do because it wasn't socially appropriate...reading a book or hiding in an empty room with the dog instead of talking to people at a social event stops being cute at a certain age, unfortunatel. I think I have become so used to ignoring how I feel and just doing what logically produces the best outcome (for others/their view of me/how I am treated) that I have lost touch with the skill of easily identifying emotions in myself, if I had a good grasp on it in the first place.

So maybe that is a good step toward "unmasking." Learn to ID my emotions better so I can identify how different behaviors and activities are making me feel. Because logically, it would make sense for the "real me" activities and behaviors to make me feel better, and any harmful masking to make me feel worse.

Not sure if that was helpful to anyone else, but I am feeling more motivated to work on identifying my emotions now. When my therapist first brought it up, I really wasn't sure I saw the point.

My therapist does it all the time. Anything I tell her, she asks how I feel about it. I try to be as honest as possible, so "I don't know" is quite a frequent response. But it makes me pay attention to what I might be possibly feeling.

While being introverted and preference for reading a book over talking to people seems more accepted in my culture, the rest is exactly like in my case. I've learned to ignore my discomforts and feelings, and do what the logic dictates for desired ourcomes.
Not bad in short term emergencies but damaging if done all the time.


Good luck We are together on this

This is so me.

I need to work on identifying my own emotions because I know I overly people-please, then I don't consider how I feel and it's a great set up for abusive relationships. I'd like to be done with those.

A tool that has really helped me identify if someone's behavior is okay is to ask myself if I would be embarrassed to tell other people exactly how that person treated me in a given situation. If so, it was most likely NOT okay behavior. Normal disagreements/arguments aren't embarrassing to share with others, except maybe if the reason/topic of the fight was dumb. If it would be humiliating to tell the story of how a fight went down, it wasn't okay and that person should probably be avoided in the future.

I hope how I explained that made sense. It has really helped me avoid bad relationships.

Emotions...
Who needs them...

<perseverative mode activated>

They are, after all, a relic of our more primitive stage of our evolutionary development...
The problem is, we have to manage them if we wish to avoid the consequences of mind/body dissociation...<shrug>



Interesting jibber jabber from me, but probably not as relevant to you here as "assertiveness training"...



I gather you feel obliged to be "nice"?
Stop it!...

That is very helpful!

Yep!

I have only recently come to the conclusion that I'm autistic, (although it seems as though everyone around me knew the whole time and just didn't tell me; they just snickered about how weird I was, pretty much right in front of me, but "behind my back" figuratively, but whatever, people are as*holes) so I've only discovered what "masking" is in the autistic world, and I realize that I do it, too. I'm never not masking. I am but a mask. And the only way I can deal with this issue without thinking I'm experiencing a severe psychotic break is by fully embracing. I see myself as a versatile, flexible being who can adapt to any situation, no matter how weird. It has helped me overcome social situations...to an extent. I still despise crowds with a passion. I hate them because I feel extra alone and trapped. But anyway, embrace the mask, and enjoy your talent. I think of acting as a hobby of mine that I have become extremely proficient in. Acting has allowed me to BS my way through countless jobs!
On a side note, masking makes me feel like a total, utter fraud. And this part of masking makes me feel very uneasy. I try to turn it into a positive thing, though, and I think of myself as a blank slate, a clean canvas, and I can start over anytime and anywhere I want. Life is an irreplaceable, inescapable gift.

No good answers here, but I totally understand. My biggest realization is how much I have been governed and hindered by anxiety.

Be careful with embracing your mask.
It can lead to breakdown and burnout.
I hope you can avoid it.

Wow people. This thread is immense. So many times I think "If only they know the real me?" It is like I am a person within a person? It is as if I ask myself "Who am I?" and while I can describe what I do or what I am good at, I can't describe myself. It is like trying to answer "What is gravity?" where the majority of people answer by saying what it does, not what it is.
I am very much a natural introvert. However, in past jobs I have done I have to put on an extrovert mask. And at times I go into conquering mode to get things done. This gives me immense power but often ends after a few years or months in disaster. Disaster? Well, I get so, so tired and fatigued that I look for another job or I just make an excuse and quit. Yet at the start of that job I will be in a powerful conquering mode. Could it be all a mask and it is why I eventually burn out?
I can go on but it is way past my bedtime! Night people and thanks for bringing up this fascinating discussion.

It was a revelation to me that other people really act naturally, not perform all the time.
Well, my mother also masks (though probably not autism) so this was the reality I grew up in.


I don't know but I have something similar. I live in four year cycles - two years of power, two years of burnout.
My psych told me to just adapt to it, make things done when the power is present, live off savings in burnout times.

Generally, I prefer starting things over finishing. I find finishing boring - unlike some people I know. I believe it's not a spectrum thing, it's just me.

Starting and finishing. I am good at starting things and getting them to work, but then they sit there not quite finished for years! Once I am satisfied I am nearly finished I seem to then put it aside. It is really hard for me to finish something somehow... Not saying that I don't finish things. With bicycles, I tend to be all out or nothing in that once I start I go overboard in trying to fix every little thing before I am satisfied. I won't say too much, but where I used ro work I would do at least twice as much as anyone else... Far more then the customers paid for, but I didn't use parts. In other words, it was all mechanical adjustments. I excel at the fine details on the mechanical side, which made me really take well to wheel building, trueing and things like that.