can I say goodbye to this part of myself?

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I am bisexual, but because of my lack of experience in general, I have been in romantic relationships with men, but not women. I am currently in a really happy relationship with a man that I love. We are temporarily long distance, but are planning our lives out together. Recently, a female friend of mine confessed that she had always had a crush on me -and the truth was, for a long time I really liked her too (before I was with my current partner). We just talked. Nothing happened. I would never cheat on my partner. Still, it occurred to me for the first time that if I decide to marry my boyfriend, I will have never actually gotten to know this part of myself. I feel really guilty for even having this selfish thought, because, like I said, I love my boyfriend. I don't want to do anything that would ever hurt him. Still, I feel like an idiot for not having the guts to be who I am sooner in life. Then maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this now. I normally talk to him about everything, but this one I don't think I can. Even though I tried to handle the situation as best as I could, I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong. I feel so guilty.

I don't think you should "say goodbye" to that part of yourself.

Men and women do this all the time---without telling their partners. They have sexual fantasies which enhance their orgasms which don't involve the other person in the relationship.

I am a believer in the credo that "your fantasies are your business."

Even Jimmy Carter, the past President and a rather religious man, admitted that he had "adultery of the heart." That didn't affect his marriage, though, which is still going strong after 70 or so years.

I hope everything goes well between you and your boyfriend.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 21 Nov 2019, 1:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I do talk about my fantasies with my husband. I never intended to fulfill any of them. Just exploring feelings. He's okay with it. We're both okay with having our own fantasies, not all shared because we don't feel the same about everything.

If you were married then -yes- you have to stay within the relationship. Gender doesn't matter. whichever gender your spouse is then..thats who you're loyal to.

But you're still single. Maybe I am naughty to say this, but if I were in your shoes I would probably hook up with that girl, and just get it out of my system, and do it now while I am still single.

The first sentence is what I feel I SHOULD tell you, but the second sentence is what my naughty self would actually do. Lol!

So...

Take your pick!

Jeez I don't know why that made me crack up laughing, but it did!

As for what I am going to do, that is certain. I am going to let sleeping dogs lie and just keep on being faithful to my current partner. As for what that means for the future of how I will feel, that is the part that is more scary to me. What if I can't let this feeling go? What if I just "what if" myself to death? I wonder, is this a common feeling a lot of people have once they start getting really serious with someone? In the end, maybe it has less to do with my sexuality, and more to do with my never having been in this serious a place in a relationship before (?)

I wasn't advocating that you "hook up" with that person, by the way.

I was advocating, more, incorporating thoughts about her into your communions with your boyfriend/husband.

I this is all really good advice. Thank you all for taking the time.
I guess this kind of thing is more common than I realized.

No idea if this is the correct thing to ask, but I hear some couples set up threesomes.

Sounds hot, but somehow I don't think either of them would be into that.

Last edited by Fern on 22 Nov 2019, 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Threesomes suck!

Did you have a negative experience? Can I ask what happened?

I had a guy friend who wanted to have a threesome between my ex-girlfriend and myself.

I just thought the whole idea was absurd. Not necessarily because I minded that the guy liked my ex-girlfriend. I also didn't want to be in bed with another man.

I like being with one person (a woman), and one person only.

Fair enough.

When I was 18 a couple approached me about a threesome. That was terrifying to me at the time, since I had never even had sex with even one person before, and I felt rather... outnumbered? Turned that one down for sure. I've never experienced the prospect from the perspective of the couple though. Interesting.

I say accept that part of yourself and grieve that you didn't explore it. Grieve it and let the regret go. Lots of things I didn't do or could have done, and well PAST. I am living it up NOW. And who knows what the future is? May you have a long life ahead of you and plenty of time to explore your interests and being.

Congratulations on your love!

Only you can decide for yourself what is the right thing to do, but I think you need to tell all of this to your boyfriend. Especially the part that you would never act on these feelings without his permission. But, look, a relationship doesn't have to fit any standard mold. It should fit for you and your spouse, that's it.
If that means you have a threesome, that's OK.
If that means you never try sex with a girl, that's OK too, as long as you continue to be satisfied with that.
It could mean that you sometimes have sex with other people, or only women, without your boyfriend as long as he's OK with that.
It could mean that you have sex with women sometimes and he has sex with men sometimes, if he's interested in that.
It could mean that you have sex with women sometimes while your boyfriend watches and doesn't join in.
It could mean anything that you and he want it to mean. But you can't know what he might want unless you talk to him about it.

For myself and my husband, we're monogamous. I'm totally gay (no interest in girls whatsoever), and he's bisexual. He's satisfied not having sex with girls anymore. We've talked about having other sexual partners, but we decided that didn't work for us. I'd be OK with it, but he thought he might get jealous if I had sex with someone else. We've talked about having threesomes, and we both agree that could be fun, but we haven't met someone we both want to have sex with yet. If we do, we might do it. Right now, just having sex with each other is keeping us both satisfied.

My sister is bisexual, but she's never had sex with a girl, only guys. Her husband knows this. He's totally strait. As far as I know, they're monogamous, too. She says it doesn't bother her never having tried sex with girls, and neither one of them wants to try a threesome or other sexual partners.

I have a couple of friends who are married to each other (both men) who have an open relationship. They are free to have sex with whoever they want, pretty much whenever they want, as long as they are always truthful about it with each other. They have a lot of 'casual' sex where they don't even know the other guy's name. That works for them.

I don't know anyone personally, but I have heard of relationships where only one person has sex with others. This is usually in a 'cuckold' situation where the husband enjoys seeing his wife have sex with other men. As long as he's happy with that arrangement, that's OK, too. Or the wife might be bisexual and the husband enjoys watching his wife have sex with other women.

It only matters that you work out some arrangement that BOTH of you are happy with, and that you talk it over again whenever one of you feels UNHAPPY about the arrangement.

Just wanted to emphasize what @jimmyboy76453 said. Your relationship with your guy can take any form at all. It doesn't have to conform to any social dictates. The only thing that matters is ongoing open honest communication. If you are bi, you should definitely tell your guy about it. Don't pretend that you will ever change and no longer feel any same sex attraction. You won't change that much. Over 30 to 50 years of marriage that part of you is sure to make itself felt. Your guy should know that, so he is not blindsided. As a totally gay man in a 31+ year traditional heterosexual marriage, I know of what I speak. I've read estimates that around 20% of my generation's gay men are in heterosexual marriages due to societal proscriptions against homosexuality, of the time.