I need to discuss my feelings in a safe space.

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Hello everybody,
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I just have a story to tell and a lot of difficult feelings to get off my chest in a safe and comforting environment. Thank you in advance for your understanding and any insight you could offer me would be great.
It all started in December of 2018. This was when I was awarded my full time position as a teacher assistant at my current school. On my first day there, I had no idea what to expect or what it was going to be like. I am a building floater which means I have my own job but the principal can tell me to work in all different classrooms at different times of the day. My first full time assignment was up in a 3rd grade classroom working with a child who has ADHD and clinical depression. He was not special ed but was soon given a 504 plan to meet most of his needs. For my first few weeks, I was like his one on one. He could function but just had meltdowns and depressive episodes which prevented him from completing his classwork. Shortly after, I was told that my soothing voice and calm, comforting nature had worked on him and that I was no longer needed in that classroom all day. I could see him for an hour in the morning to check in but then I had to go help other kids who needed help with school. This did not last very long, maybe 2 months if that because soon after I left, he started acting up again so I was placed with him not full time, but for 2-3 classes per day instead of 1 until the end of the school year.
I have a really great principal who places us with students we know and work with really well whenever possible. So, when this year began and my little buddy was starting 4th grade, I asked if I could be assigned to him for certain classes and she said yes. I worked with him for math, writing, and specialists to make sure he was behaving and on task. My time with him dwindled as the teacher thought he was just being bad to seek attention. I was never taken out completely, just my time was cut to one hour per day and I was sent to help other kids. In school, I always tried to be there for him. Whenever he had a headache or a stomach ache, I would talk to him in a soothing voice and ask him if he would like to visit the nurse and then I would bring him, even though he said he could go alone. He usually yelled at me, called me names, and make rude and sarcastic comments toward me whenever he felt too overwhelmed. A lot of times when I would talk to him people would tell me to stop giving attention for negative behaviors. If he does 3 math problems, then we'll listen to his problem etc. Despite all of this, I tried my best everyday to be there for him.
Then, the COVID thing started. They immediately shut down all the schools, I never gave him a goodbye hug because everyone was so busy and no one thought that would be our last day in the school. I was able to connect with him online for distance learning about 2 weeks in. He signed on with me just about everyday for hours and hours. I'd make him schedules for his work, I'd organize his assignments and help him complete them, and I would just be there for him when he needed it. He mother would go to work and he'd need someone even though he had his older siblings there. I began playing multiple roles for this child and I always felt blessed to be doing so. Most of the time I was his assistant. A lot of times I was his teacher. Sometimes when he needed it, I was a psychologist, a motherly figure, a mentor, a nurse, and a friend. Whatever he needed I did my best to meet. I told him how to heat food up and when he was at home and when he had a pounding headache or a stomach ache, I would do my best to talk to him in my soothing voice and tell him to just close his eyes and breath slowly. I would listen to him about all of his problems and in the end, he told me things he just didn't feel comfortable telling anyone, even his own family. He said they'd make fun of him or get him in trouble so he only wanted to tell me because I'd make it better. Sometimes though, he'd yell at me a little because he was mad that I could not make his headaches better or stop the bullying through the computer. Still, this child became like a son to me and I knew saying goodbye would be painful since he is moving up to middle school next year and won't see me. He himself did not want to go. He asked me to call the school, yell at a bunch of people, and tell them it's illegal to make him leave and go to middle school. This was mostly because I had taught him to feel loved, to trust, and to believe in himself. I decided to write down my deepest feelings as a poem which turned out to be 34 pages long with a title and sections. I never read it to him but on the last day I told him that he was truly an inspiration to me because he inspired me to write it and he was the main character. I barely talked to him on the last day of school. We were both quiet. However, during the virtual ceremony, I cried. He thanked me for all of my help and support, and I cried.
I put my name in to become his mentor for 1/2 hour per week starting in the fall, but as of right now the program has been cut due to budget cuts and overspending because of the COVID crisis. If it is restored in the fall, which I hope it is, there are two more barriers I must face, one being his current mentor. She was never there for him when he needed it and always made excuses for why she couldn't come. Hopefully, she will back down if the program is reinstated so that he can have a real mentor. I added his mother on facebook so she could keep me updated on his progress in the future. I'm not sure if it's allowed or not but I asked her on dojo and she said yes. We don't talk socially or at all right now for that matter, but I'm ashamed to say that I have peeked at her profile a few times to get info about my little buddy's summertime adventures. The principal says relationships must be professional and within the school year. So, I am not allowed to see or talk to him during the summer, even if he asks. The 3rd barrier is that his mother is engaged to a guy in a different city (nearby but still a different school district). He said last year he moved but then said he didn't. If his mother marries this man and he moves out of district, I'll really never see him again.
I knew it was going to hurt but I wasn't sure exactly how. I feel like I'm losing my son. Some days are easier than others. I don't constantly cry, but I have moments. Moments where I don't just miss him, I miss all the kids who left. One day a couple of weeks ago, I had a nightmare where I had to say goodbye to him all over again and I woke up at about 5:40 sobbing in bed. I reached for tissues and just cried it out for about 20 minutes until the crying made my head hurt and then I rolled over and fell back to sleep. Everything was hard that day. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, making my bed etc. all felt like climbing mount Everest. Like I said, not every day is this bad, but some are worse than others. In order to cope with the pain I started doing something strange. I've been sleeping with a doll from my childhood in my arms and pretending it's him and I'm mothering him. Not in a creepy way but I just hug it mostly. Some nights I rub it's stomach gently and pretend I'm soothing my buddy's belly aches. Other times, I scratch it's back lightly and I pretend I'm soothing my poor dear's itching back until he falls into a nice deep sleep. I always kiss the doll on the forehead at least 2-3 times before I fall asleep, usually once in the middle of the night, and once or twice in the morning. Believe me, I know this sounds creepy and insane but I feel a little bit less lonely when I do it. Today was a hard day. I woke up exhausted and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just wanted to cuddle with my dolly in my arms and stay in bed sleeping. I forced myself out of bed this morning and same thing. I got up, dressed, ate breakfast which almost made me sob but I forced myself not to, and made the bed. I then forced myself to go out of the house. I got a pizza and went to the store hoping that acting normal will ease the pain. It was hard during my cycle too, when I was getting headaches, fatigue, and mood swings.
I found a way to ease the pain a little bit which I won't go into on here. I told only one friend about and she said I better stop or else I will be in trouble or I could die. I told her that I don't want to die, I just like how for 5-10 minutes a day, I feel energized and more refreshed. The pain is numb during this time and I'm not as worried and sad as I am the rest of the day sometimes. I like feeling refreshed and more energized, plus I know how to do it carefully and safely, with minimal side effects. I know she is only looking out for me by saying if I keep doing it, she'll tell on me but now it just feels like I have no one to talk to. I do have a loving family and parents but I don't like the bother them with my problems because it will make them sad and worried. 3 people sad and worried is a lot worse than 1, so I lie. I say I'm fine when asked. No problems. But I guess I'm not. But I'm also wondering, is this sadness or depression? I heard about PTSD for people working in schools where you feel as bad as the people you help who suffer. Do I have this? Is my little buddy's depression transmitting off onto me?
Again, I know this is a longer read but I just needed to get this off my chest and see what other people think and if any of my feelings and behaviors are remotely normal as a person with Asperger's Syndrome or a person in general.
Thanks!

You are soo caring. If only all in the teaching profession were like you!

Hi and welcome . Your post made me concerned, as I’m someone who’s long worked with autistic children and those with challenging behaviours. I’m concerned that from the sound of it, you are self-harming. My understanding from what you’ve written is that your intentions are good, but from what you’ve written, you’re showing clear and unhealthy signs of obsessive behaviour. If there’s a therapist you can talk to, I’d strongly advise this. When you’re working with children in schools etc, it’s perfectly fine to look out for them and be mindful of their mental health and well-being, but I feel both as teacher/nurse/mother that there’s a distinct line, and your thoughts and feelings toward this boy raises flags. I’ve no doubt you mean well, but I’m concerned at some of the things you’ve said. Talking it out with someone who works with children, a therapist or a staff member, may be beneficial.

Me and my parents are Facebook friends with special ed teachers and paras that my siblings and I used to have. Heck, my dad is really good friends with one of my sisters’ old roster teachers.

Thank you! I realize that what I've said may raise some flags and that my behaviors and feelings are very odd. Summertime is just harder for me because a place that I love and people that I love get taken away from me. Plus, it's harder with the COVID since there is not as much to do, although I do try. I do talk to my friend about my issues but it's just hard to love someone and care them as if they are your own one day and the next day pretend as if they don't exist anymore. Your support is generous and I'm going to continue to power through day by day!

Also, one person who had the same roster teacher in 4th/5th grade I had had the phone numbers of the roster teacher and the paras at least as of 6th grade. If you become a family friend to him and his family I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I think it’d be good for him.

I think you’re a decent and maternal person. I have no problem with you, whatsoever.

I would take Juliette’s advice to heart, though.

Juliette is not a cynic; she is rather idealistic, actually. She senses that you are crossing boundaries, and I would seek someone objective to talk to—like a therapist.

You made a difference in a kid's life. That's a powerful feeling -- maybe even addictive. You need that fix of being loved and appreciated that the kid gave you. Losing him for you would be like losing a drug that gave you an incredible high. Yes, professional help might get you through this, but just think what good you can do with the next child you mentor. It sounds like you have a lot to offer a kid, it's just a matter of channeling it in the right way.

That must be so hard, and I can only imagine you must be feeling really sad about it. I think it will get better with time, so give yourself the time you need to process what's going on. Don't feel ashamed of yourself for being such a caring, sensitive person and getting a bit attached, sometimes it happens. This is just such an incredibly rough time for so many people, that I trust you're not alone in going through some painful stuff.

Welcome, Sweet Pea

I agree completely with Kortie and Juliette. As wonderful as you may be, you are crossing some critical boundaries. I think we had a situation like this recently and this one sounds very similar.

What boundaries have been crossed? She was assigned to be the kid's teacher in a variety of settings, and did what she was asked to do, and it sounds like she did it very well. It sounds like he is/was a troubled kid, and pretty hard to deal with, and she took on a challenging task and showed care for someone who others wouldn't or didn't know how to address.

Thank you for your response and I wonder the same thing. See, I was told not to speak to him over the summer because summer time is our vacation as members of the school community. If I was crossing boundaries, I would have already messaged his mom and directly disobeyed the principal who is kind enough to give me ideas on how to connect with him in the fall and asked for a visit. But I haven't. Yes, I do check facebook to see what he is up to but I don't talk to his mom during the summer. I'm waiting until fall. As you have said, taking on a difficult child who has depression/suicidal thoughts and often physical ailments due to the stress of the depression is a lot. When you work with a child like this, especially outside of the traditional school setting, you are basically delving into their psychies everyday as you try to be there to help them both physically and emotionally since you are one of the only people during the day that they truly trust and in some ways, you become as one if that makes sense. That's why it becomes hard when the child is removed from your life. Maybe something hurts this child or he is being bullied right now and I can't be there to help him or even offer my advice. That's what's sad about it.
What I am wondering now is what am I feeling? Is this just sadness or is it depression. How can I tell. Those online tests don't seem to work. What do you guys think is it?

You care about the kid—maybe too much.

I’m thinking more along the lines that you have an overdeveloped maternal instinct. And perhaps this leads to certain sorts of thoughts which can be inappropriate.

If I knew you better, I could give you better advice.

How are you with people in general?

This is a strange post. Not sure if I can help or even if you would want my perceptions. But you asked. So I will make a few points:

1. The feelings you are expressing are outside the normal student/teacher relationship.

This is based on what you said:

"my little buddy"

"this child became like a son to me"

"I feel like I'm losing my son"

"I had taught him to feel loved, to trust, and to believe in himself. I decided to write down my deepest feelings as a poem which turned out to be 34 pages long with a title and sections."

"I've been sleeping with a doll from my childhood in my arms and pretending it's him and I'm mothering him."

"it's just hard to love someone and care them as if they are your own one day and the next day pretend as if they don't exist anymore"

"That's why it becomes hard when the child is removed from your life."

2. This appears to be your first career position. In December 2018 you were awarded a position as a teaching assistant. You are slowly working up to become a full fledge teacher. With any job, a person needs to learn skills, learn the ropes and develop a good reputation - practical classroom experience.

In the U.S., American public school teachers are typically awarded tenure after a probationary period of about three years. Once a teacher has earned tenure, also known as due process, he or she has a right to know why a discharge is being sought by the employer and a right to have the issue decided by an impartial body.

So during this probationary period, you can be dismissed from your position with little cause. For you, this can be a career ender.

3. As Juliette has noted you are displaying "unhealthy signs of obsessive behaviour". You have developed a strong maternal attachment to one of your students. And this attachment has become an obsession.
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So it is common for Aspies to develop obsessions, and to even exhibit Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD causes severe anxiety in those affected and involves both obsessions and compulsions that interfere with daily life.

You asked, "What I am wondering now is what am I feeling? Is this just sadness or is it depression." Off hand I would call it anxiety. This link identifies:18 Common Physical Symptoms Of Anxiety

IMHO you seem to fit this definition. One might even localize it as "separation anxiety".

Another thing I picked up is that you seem to be displaying a high degree of empathy. One definition of empathy is "Empathy refers to the ability to relate to another person’s pain vicariously, as if one has experienced that pain themselves."
One of the defining characteristics of Aspies is "shows a lack of empathy (difficulty understanding others’ feelings, difficulty communicating feelings)". So in the eyes of NTs you are projecting the opposite of an Aspie characteristic. But I suspect that most Aspies feel empathy but find it difficult to project their feelings properly.

One final comment. The username you choose "playground lover" projects an image that you probably didn't intend; especially when you are discussing a very young student of the opposite sex.

Thanks for the feedback. Just a few things I can tell you to clear up some things I maybe didn't describe. First off, to answer Kortie's question, I am usually good with people. I am shy sometimes but will always speak very politely when spoken to and I love to talk to people. My problem is that when people come into my life, I feel too attached after a period of time. That's where Jimmy's questions/comments come into play. My user name is playgroundlover because when I was a kid, I always loved going to playgrounds and I always dreamed of raising the money to design and build one. (The swings are my favorite)
Yes, I did write a long poem about my feelings but it wasn't sexual or anything like that. Also, I didn't read it to him I just told him on the last day that he inspired me to get back to writing and I wrote this lovely story/poem called an epic in which he's the main character. It was just a nice poem about our everyday adventures during distance learning. It's about how "even when he's sour he's always sweet and working with him is always a treat." It's also about my feelings of how stressful it was to have him yell at me because he had a pounding headache and no one else was there to help him except me, only how could I help take his pain away through the computer? It's about how we had good experiences and bad experiences but we always worked well together and in the end, he was telling me things he wouldn't even tell his own mother because he said "I trust you. You'll make everything better, won't you?" This is also the reason for many of my comments such as my son. As another teacher he had told him, "we don't have our own kids, so you kids are our kids. It hurts us to see you go even though we know it's the best thing for you." As for calling him "my little buddy", the principal referred to him once as the love of my life. She said "he's the love of her life" and she laughed. Sometimes, in the office she'd say to me, "can you watch him while I make some phone calls and run some errands around the school?" and I'd say "sure, it's no problem! He's my little buddy." and she'd thank me and then be on her way.
So, I agree with you all, it is obsessive and a little over the top but, it's just because I care so much and it's not easy for me to service someone and give them constant care, attention, and love and just then forget about them. It's hard for me to just let go, not just of him but of all the nice kids. In some weird way, I feel like I was robbed of the last 3 months I could spend with them. His old teacher was right. When you don't have kids, the school kids become your kids which means the ones you spend the most time with, you become the closest to.