Husband has Aspergers. I need help.

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Update:

Well for now, things have calmed down. He finally spoke to me and then agreed to talk things over later on. I'm just about done with this relationship though. I have to keep giving and giving without getting anything in return.

-Possibly married life getting too much for him. Information overload.
-Possible mental disorder developing.

Not sure I can help but I will give it a try.

Think of a person as a glass. You can fill the glass almost completely full with water and the glass will hold the water. But you add a few drops more and it overflows. In a sense that is what is happening to your husband. Stress is cumulative in nature. Unless it is vented, it will begin to fill the glass. Once the glass is full, all it takes is one small thing that will trigger an outburst. The small thing such as the cat knocking over a glass of water is not the cause, it is rather the last straw that broke the camel's back.

His glass may have been filled by many different things such as conflicts at work, COVID, etc. There are many elements that contributed to filling the glass.

Stress is actually physical in nature. It is a cascade of chemicals (primarily hormones) that are released when a person is under stress. These accumulate in the muscles and nerves. If you husband can learn to vent this stress energy, he can achieve a natural state called homeostasis. But even though he has calmed down a little, his glass is still basically full and any small stressor can cause a reoccurrence.

This stress energy is stored in 6 areas of the body. These are his two arms, his two legs, his neck and his core. Since he is yelling at you, my guess his stress is primarily localized in his neck. So how does he vent this stress energy from the neck. It is done by yelling at the top of his lungs.

One needs to vent the stored stress energy in their neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But this must be done in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy. R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Where are you puppy? R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is a member on this site in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. Another person on this site is from Chicago, he has learned to become a performance artist and in his acts he growls like a large ape. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or he can find himself a soundproof room.

But he needs to remember the Golden Rule: Never scream AT someone. Because this would be interpreted as an attack, a verbal assault.

As a NT married to a AS wife. I can tell you that you can't expect as much from many of the people with AS as you would a NT there is varying degrees of AS some people with AS if they are pushrd too hard they can have meltdown being pushed to hard can come from various source including the significant other and / or work.
People who date people with AS should try to learn how much they can push them on issues and learn what they can handle AS / NT relationship has pro and cons
Yes it can seem like you are giving more then they are in a relationship with some people with AS but it just a nature of the issue with some AS individuals like I said there are various degrees of AS

Brehus has a good point about learning what us Aspies can handle & when to push us. I had LOTS of nasty fights with my mom cuz she kept pushing me & expecting things I did not know how to do or deal with. I like to think I grew a lot since I moved in with current girlfriend who's also on the spectrum. We've had some bad fights but we both try to work on ourselves & try to work on communication so we can minimize fights & us getting upset. There's lots of times I start to feel annoyed by things but I try to relax instead of acting up & usually 5-10 minutes later I'm no longer that bothered. It's like the saying "Pick your battles". Getting upset & us having a major fight & both of us feeling like total cr@p after is NOT worth it to me. Instead I try to be supportive of her & let her do what she needs to so she can destress/relax/calm down. Maybe that's giving her a hug, giving her space for a while, or letting her spend the day in bed, or letting her play a game all day or watch TV all day or do stuff on her phone all day instead of chores/housework, or listening to her rant/complain about things for an hour straight. Other times I try to remove myself from the situation like going in another room & staying there for a while. Removing myself is usually when I feel like I'll snap at her or like she needs time to herself for a while. We're both very dependent but I'm worse than her so she does a lot for me & she puts up with a lot sometimes so the very least I should do is to try not to get upset at her & try to help minimize her getting upset in the future if it's something related to me.

Being on the spectrum can make us prone to various mental disorders & issues & me & her both have a bit. Sometimes us Aspies can be so caught up with our own stuff that we are incapable of considering others or being accommodating to others in our lives. Your Aspie needs to be willing to try & work on himself Friday or he'll risk losing you. It's understandable to me why your having such a hard time dealing with him. While it is helpful to learn what he can & cant deal with but you have to to also learn what you can & cant deal with either. It is very unfair & unrealistic for you to have to bend over backwards for him while he doesn't even try. Compromising needs to work both ways, you both give something & you both get something.

One of the ways I've tried to cope & work on myself is by trying to understand myself & my issues & then finding various ways to try & work on their causes or at least reduce my triggers. Posting about things online a lot like this forum, joining a support group, working, trying to do stuff with friends when I could, & seeing a psychiatrist has helped some. I've also researched meds a bit & I try to take a proactive approach with my psych treatment instead of just letting psychs & docs guess about my problems & prescribing me whatever.

I'm not sure what will work for your Aspie but he needs to start really trying to work on things. Be there to listen to him, support him, & encourage him but he has to be willing to do the work. Others have mentioned marriage/couples counseling & I do agree that it would seem like the best 1st step if I had to pick one. I would also suggest letting him know that he is to NEVER physically hurt your child, you, or your cat cuz that will be the end of things. It's one thing to get upset & yell & do things like slam doors(I've done that a lot & so has my girlfriend) but do not tolerate physical violence.

^ Thank you. Yes I agree. I wish I could help them more. I try to think of what may have helped me, but it's hard when there's no clear path or absolute right/wrong methods.

From my personal experience I know I've always had short-lasting meltdowns and bursts of anger potentially harmful to myself and others but after a while I calm down and regret anything mean I said or did. I'm in a long standing non-straight relationship and before I was diagnosed, my partner couldn't understand why I had these outbursts but since diagnosis he, as well as my mom and others around me, understood things better. Knowledge is key.

I do think counselling would help in your situation, whilst fast acting calming medication might also be indicated and be helpful. We're all different but very few of us are manipulative or deceitful. It's usually a case of getting very quickly angered or unreasonable then lashing out at those near and dear to us, making threats, even physical ones, that we later didn't intend. In reality most of us are kind, loving and emotional. Riding that roller coaster can be tough!

I hope you can resolve your issues amicably.