How can you tell if medication is working?

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I'm back on my medication because my parents and Psychiatrist want me to be. I just never know if it's working. It's the same for now because I hadn't been taking them consistently. The last time it got upped. I'm on Abilify and Buspirone. My family notices a difference when I'm on them but I'm not sure what it is.

I get asked questions and I feel like I'm answering them in a way that isn't right. They always ask me if I see and hear things other people do not. I say yes because I do but I don't know if it's that big of a deal. They're mostly concerned because I think the neighbours are spying on me and that other people are spying on me. It's a very unpleasant feeling. It feels like I can't have my guard down and that I feel uncomfortable a lot. I just don't know if it's true or not. They ask me if I believe it and I don't know how to answer. I'm on a low dose because Im scared of being on a high dose.

I do notice that I have better emotional regulation on medication. Its hard to want to take it though sometimes because I don't know if I need it. I've decided to because my doctor suggested an injection. I don't want to do that. I feel pressure when I'm on my medication as well, it's like I have to answer No to anything relating to being spied on. But it doesn't always go that way. I feel like I'm disappointing people. I don't even really know how I started feeling that way. I went in for depression initially but because I experienced elevated mood and lack of sleep, they prescribed me a mood stabilizer instead of an antidepressant.

Now they say the medication is for "paranoia, and Schizoaffective Symptoms". The thing is I don't think I have that. But my family has said I might and they've mentioned "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I just feel so unclear. I've had so many psychiatrists. I feel like I'm a bad patient. I don't know how to talk about how I feel. I don't know what's bothering me honestly. I've been told I need to just relax sometimes but I feel so uncomfortable all the time. It's not a restless feeling. It's like paralyzing anxiety. I can sit on the couch for hours even after drinking coffee. I know I need to get up but I just feel dread. Im probably not supposed to drink coffee but it helps with doing what I need to do sometimes.

I honestly feel like my psychiatrist isn't getting an accurate picture of what's going on. My feelings are intense sometimes. I just don't know if that's something I've always had or if it's something new. I don't know how to give a timeline to them. I always feel like I'm hiding something. I think it's a coping method or something but I freeze up when talking about certain things. I honestly don't even know how to tell if my medication is working. I think it is but it's hard to know. Like I feel less anxious.

People get mad at me sometimes and it makes me feel embarrassed. Also I feel like nobody really understands that I am not trying to be difficult. Its just that honestly my perception is off. I've noticed that. I've learned to not mention things or else people get mad. Like I rehearse conversations that I know I cant have. I'm not allowed to mention anything to do with religion and myself, how I feel like Im not related to my family, that I'm some kind of prophet, that I might be possessed because of a weird necklace I bought and because I summoned things, how I might be from a different realm because I have gifts or something like that. I get told I'm living in fantasy, asked if I'm taking my medication, and told that it's scary. Then people wonder why I don't talk about my feelings. The other day I kind of got in trouble because I stayed up until the early morning.

I just think I'm from a different realm a lot. Also sometimes situations feel different for me. Like suddenly everything feels different and like it's special. Meanwhile it's just the same. I've been feeling this way ever since I had a spiritual experience that might have been real. I've been told it's not.

But I don't know. I've always kinda felt a bit more open to that stuff since I was a kid. If it's real the medication might not affect it and be bad for my body. I just don't know though. I'm gonna stick to it and see. I think my parents are annoyed that I'm inconsistent lately. They've threatened to put me in the psych ward because I behave erratically. I don't even notice when I am. Im definitely better than I have been. I just dont really know what's me, what's mental illness and what is Autism honestly.

I know I don't want to be hospitalized but it might have to happen if I don't stay on my medication apparently. I feel stuck because I really don't know what to do. I'm thinking I might just be honest. I'm having such a hard time doing that lately. People have expectations of me. I hope my medication can help me do more things. Also how can I know my baseline? because honestly I've kind of thought I'm always there. But I've been told there could be improvement.

You have a very clear way of writing down what you feel.

I think it would be a good idea if you could possibly print out your post and show your doctors and family.