Social Struggles In College. Any Advice?

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_Artemis_
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10 Jul 2023, 6:15 pm

Hello,
I'm 21 with adhd (formally diagnosed when i was in primary school) and aspergers (self-diagnosed a few years ago), currently in college (not in the US). I grew up without a father (he left and i saw him rarely) which has made things even worse as i had to learn many things by myself or by asking others, often, after failures. My dad's pretty extroverted / socially intelligent and could have helped me overcome many issues caused by aspergers, but yeah, tough luck :(
I've fallen behind socially ( which was inevitable) and struggle a lot with making friends and getting girls even though i'm above average looks wise (tall, fit, well groomed).
My academic performance is satisfactory despite my adhd so no issues there (not on any medication)

I've been trying to get better at social situations by pursuing interactions over the past 2 semesters with very little success to be honest. (managed to make a new friend who is now in the army which means he can't hang out with me. Also managed to lose my Virginity. The girl really liked me at first as we had good chemistry since she was somewhat quirky too, and we were dating for 4 months ,but i eventually turned her off and she lost interest in pursuing a relationship although she said she was going for that . ( due to my inexperience and quirkiness i guess). She had quite a lot of dating experience at 21,(bit on the promiscuous,casual side) so she expected me to know a lot more stuff. She didn't really reject me or say she does not want a relationship, but i did notice the gradual decline in effort on her part until she ghosted me.
( I will be running into her for sure during the upcoming fall semester and this will be really akward...)
Still, i was able to learn many useful things on the fly, such as all sorts of touching and other dating related stuff which made me act relatively normal with her, so i try not to be too harsh on myself as i had very little prior experience.
Most people i meet end up as casual acquaintances who don't have interest in getting to know me more or spend time with me to pursue a friendship/ relationship. ( this sucks cuz idk what im doing wrong as i am friendly, manage to keep the conversation going, and try to get to know them) I guess i come off as awkward; people silently reject me and that hurts :(
I'm grateful at least i have one good friend from highschool with whom i share a few hobbies and hang out with occasionally.
I'm not really into drinking and partying.
My hobbies are driving cars and motorcycles, PCs, going to the gym, going out for all sorts of adventures so its not like people cant relate to them. ( i used to do many of these solo, but lately getting bored of doing them alone, just want some company to do fun stuff with)
TLDR;
The point of this post isn't to play the victim card or make you feel bad for me as i know for a fact others have it way worse than me.
I would just like to receive some personal advice with what has worked for you to get better at social interactions (friends / dating) in order to approach and meet some more people who like me and enjoy my last couple college years by going out and doing some dating. (by the way i don't live on campus, but i'll be there everyday during the upcoming fall semester)
This is the first time i open up about my struggles. (i know, unhealthy...)
Feel free to ask anything else you wanna know about me.
I also look forward to hearing about your life stories / experiences / struggles too!
Adhd, aspergers and no father is definitely a recipe for disaster lol.
I keep thinking of all the wasted potential...
Thanks for your time, Artemis. 8)



Fnord
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10 Jul 2023, 6:36 pm

Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?

Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.


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MatchboxVagabond
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10 Jul 2023, 10:19 pm

I'd personally recommend focusing more on the studies. But, if you're wanting more friends, keep in mind that at most colleges it is socially acceptable to invite yourself along for most public activities and to wander into random parties.

Neither of those things is likely to cause any real problems. Although, tagging a long is more likely to be an issue than going to random parties. Just make sure to follow their lead and it shouldn't be a big deal.

There's also usually study groups that form surrounding whatever is going on in class.



Relevantirritation
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11 Jul 2023, 1:22 pm

I'm sure you've heard this one before: get a pet (as long as you have the finances, time and energy for it!). My cat has been a starting point of many good conversations and I have made a friend because of our mutual love of cats. Also pets are good folks to keep you company on your lonely days. Don't start with a baby either, college and kittens/puppies don't mix.
Also, I have met most of my friends through a sports team in hs. If you have a particular sport you enjoy a laid-back club might give you some opportunities for connection.
Some observations I've made about college people is that there is a lot of virtue signaling, so I tend to avoid my college peers like the plague unless they seem neurodivergent themselves. This might be controversial, but the people who I avoud the most are those heavily involved in the LGBT community, because they tend to be the least tolerant to neurological diversity. This might just be my area though, since it is urban-rural and whatever mainstream group they are involved in tend to take up 99% of their personality.


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_Artemis_
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13 Jul 2023, 4:13 pm

Fnord wrote:
Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?

Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.


I would like to have a healthy balance, that's all. Having a few friends could enhance the college experience. I did have a lot of free time even though i was working part time, attending college, and doing my hobbies. Now that i'll be a full time student, i'll still have some free time so i would like to have some more things to do during that time. :)



_Artemis_
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13 Jul 2023, 4:29 pm

Relevantirritation wrote:
I'm sure you've heard this one before: get a pet (as long as you have the finances, time and energy for it!). My cat has been a starting point of many good conversations and I have made a friend because of our mutual love of cats. Also pets are good folks to keep you company on your lonely days. Don't start with a baby either, college and kittens/puppies don't mix.
Also, I have met most of my friends through a sports team in hs. If you have a particular sport you enjoy a laid-back club might give you some opportunities for connection.
Some observations I've made about college people is that there is a lot of virtue signaling, so I tend to avoid my college peers like the plague unless they seem neurodivergent themselves. This might be controversial, but the people who I avoud the most are those heavily involved in the LGBT community, because they tend to be the least tolerant to neurological diversity. This might just be my area though, since it is urban-rural and whatever mainstream group they are involved in tend to take up 99% of their personality.


I have a lovely cat that i love a lot and take care of daily. However i don't see i could make friends as i'd have to know someone a little more in order to tell them i have a cat.( cant really bring it up if i don't know the person or during small talk.)
As for sports, the teams in my college require prior experience to get in. However, there's always a free basketball court and sometimes a soccer field you could play with friends (that is, if you have friends :roll: ) However i do enjoy going to the gym so i guess i could try to talk more to people there ( although it's a bit akward as everyone is there to workout and i don't want to bother them in between sets). Haven't had any experience with people heavily involved in the lgbt community so i don't have an opinion about that.



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13 Jul 2023, 11:16 pm

_Artemis_ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?  Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.
I would like to have a healthy balance, that's all. Having a few friends could enhance the college experience. I did have a lot of free time even though i was working part time, attending college, and doing my hobbies. Now that i'll be a full time student, i'll still have some free time so i would like to have some more things to do during that time.
Since I was paying tuition out-of-pocket, I put nearly all my emphasis on good grades.  Did not graduate "Laude", but still did well.  The people I considered 'friends' forgot all about me at graduation -- none wanted pictures with me -- so I forgot all about them until they started showing up at work to apply for employment.  THEN they wanted to be my friends.

No idea what happened to them.


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rse92
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14 Jul 2023, 11:52 am

Whatever you do, make sure you focus on your studies first and foremost.

Regarding your question, I recommend marijuana.

I am only half-joking.



SkinnyElephant
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16 Jul 2023, 2:53 pm

Fnord wrote:
_Artemis_ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?  Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.
I would like to have a healthy balance, that's all. Having a few friends could enhance the college experience. I did have a lot of free time even though i was working part time, attending college, and doing my hobbies. Now that i'll be a full time student, i'll still have some free time so i would like to have some more things to do during that time.
Since I was paying tuition out-of-pocket, I put nearly all my emphasis on good grades.  Did not graduate "Laude", but still did well.  The people I considered 'friends' forgot all about me at graduation -- none wanted pictures with me -- so I forgot all about them until they started showing up at work to apply for employment.  THEN they wanted to be my friends.

No idea what happened to them.


In a way, I prefer being friendless over having to wonder if my "friends" are true friends.



_Artemis_
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16 Jul 2023, 4:51 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Fnord wrote:
_Artemis_ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?  Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.
I would like to have a healthy balance, that's all. Having a few friends could enhance the college experience. I did have a lot of free time even though i was working part time, attending college, and doing my hobbies. Now that i'll be a full time student, i'll still have some free time so i would like to have some more things to do during that time.
Since I was paying tuition out-of-pocket, I put nearly all my emphasis on good grades.  Did not graduate "Laude", but still did well.  The people I considered 'friends' forgot all about me at graduation -- none wanted pictures with me -- so I forgot all about them until they started showing up at work to apply for employment.  THEN they wanted to be my friends.

No idea what happened to them.


In a way, I prefer being friendless over having to wonder if my "friends" are true friends.


Same to be honest. But to find true friends you gotta go through some sh***y ones. Its a numbers game like dating. If you only meet 5 people per year, what are the odds you find a true friend or a compatible partner?



MatchboxVagabond
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19 Jul 2023, 2:31 pm

_Artemis_ wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Fnord wrote:
_Artemis_ wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?  Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.
I would like to have a healthy balance, that's all. Having a few friends could enhance the college experience. I did have a lot of free time even though i was working part time, attending college, and doing my hobbies. Now that i'll be a full time student, i'll still have some free time so i would like to have some more things to do during that time.
Since I was paying tuition out-of-pocket, I put nearly all my emphasis on good grades.  Did not graduate "Laude", but still did well.  The people I considered 'friends' forgot all about me at graduation -- none wanted pictures with me -- so I forgot all about them until they started showing up at work to apply for employment.  THEN they wanted to be my friends.

No idea what happened to them.


In a way, I prefer being friendless over having to wonder if my "friends" are true friends.


Same to be honest. But to find true friends you gotta go through some sh***y ones. Its a numbers game like dating. If you only meet 5 people per year, what are the odds you find a true friend or a compatible partner?

Fortunately, it's a bit better than dating as it's more socially acceptable to make multiple friends at once. And the friends you meet can lead to other friends.



alisiaburke
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30 Oct 2023, 4:29 pm

For me, college life is not that easy. I've been struggling with making friends since childhood, and college is not an exception. But to be honest, my main goal is to get a diploma, and I dedicate a lot of time and effort to my studies.
Of course, I'd like to be a part of different student groups, have a lot of friends, go out, and so on, but it's not my main goal.
There are a few people I have good relationships with, and it's fine for me now.
As I said, my main focus is on my studies, and I have a lot of things to do and to learn, so I try to be busy and not think about something else too much.
I barely have time to sleep now because of things I need to do.