Introducing myself

Post Reply New Topic

I've known about this place for a while but never cared to use it much, I guess I just didn't think it could be very helpful, and I still can't imagine it helping me all that much, but I figure that making the effort to put something out there won't hurt me.

I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD 3 years ago, and I prefer to call myself Asperger's (when I choose to bring up labels). I'm in my early 20's.

I remember depressive symptoms as far back as elementary school, namely feelings of dissociation or detachment. Not in a way that debilitated me, it just made me feel melancholic sometimes. I guess I felt like I didn't have a purpose when everyone else seemed to. Of course, I didn't know I had Asperger's back then, which would have explained a lot of it.

I wish that the depression and purposelessness had only been a phase in my life, but it doesn't seem to be that way. This year I've been as depressed as I ever have been, until I started taking a medication again (I stopped my antidepressant at the beginning of the year due to anxiety about it), which seems to be helping me to actually do things I want to do like washing clothes and changing sheets, when before it was just too difficult to get myself to do these things. So, while my depression has improved and I'm feeling better, I feel a different kind of depression, not the fatigue and wishing I was never born, but a feeling of failing to live up to my potential. I feel like I simply have no future. Everything worthwhile I've done in my life, namely school and jobs, have been due to pressure from other people. I never had a motivation in school to move my life in any specific direction, I always thought that would come later. I never worked so I could get closer to achieving a goal in life, I didn't need the money in any real sense since I lived with my mom, and so I spent all of my money on unnecessary items and junk food.

My last job was almost 2 years ago, and ever sense then I've just been hiding in my shell, playing video games in my bedroom. Sometimes I would talk to my friends online and that gave me a lot of relief and distraction, but it's not enough. And now I'm sick of video games, but I just don't see what the alternative is. I don't have faith in myself, I'm not confident in my abilities to do anything productive, I'm terrified that I will disappoint everyone who puts faith in me and even make them upset with me.

I've had a handful of small interests over the years that I either gave up on or lost interest in. I messed around with programming, electronics, soldering, foreign languages, learning music and instruments, audio engineering, making videos, and writing, and none of them seemed to stick. My main interest was music, I always thought I would go somewhere with that, but I just haven't had the motivation to follow through with it. I've tried several times, always stopping after a while. I can't see myself doing anything with it, not realistically. I don't have a concept of the world or my place in it, or what's available to me. It feels like I'm drowning in an ocean with no life raft.

I've seen 4 therapists over the last two years over video, none of which seemed to help me very much. Now I'm seeing a 5th one in person, and he at least seems more promising than the others, I feel good around him, so maybe it will work out well.

People talk about the importance of getting a job or career, buying a house, starting a family... those ideas all feel divorced from my reality. I can't comprehend a world where I pursue those things and live them out, I just have no drive at all to do that, and I don't understand why. I think those things are good goals to have, but I haven't internalized them. So what are my goals? That's what I don't have an answer to. My only goal right now is to find out how to get goals.

People keep recommending me things to do like getting a job in programming, or going to college, and it's the same thing, I do not feel capable of pursuing something like that. I'm terrified of the whole world, terrified to come out of my shell. I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid to get hurt, I'm afraid of suffering. I'm only guaranteeing my suffering by refusing to move in any direction, and I recognize that on a rational level, but I still can't get myself to pursue anything seriously. But I'm so sick of the boredom and melancholy I get from mindlessly playing video games, I don't know what to do other than take 20 minutes walks once a day. It's killing me.

I have applied for one little job recently and I'm waiting to hear back, so I guess that's one good thing going for me. I can keep applying for jobs, but it makes me very anxious, the whole process feels so inhuman, like I'm expected to pretend I'm someone I'm not, someone who's not depressed, that my qualities are being judged like an animal. It kills my soul to pretend that I have my life together and like I believe I'll be able to hold down a job and not quit after a few months from stress and depression.

This was a depressing read.

But anyhow, welcome to the forum. You can mindlessly post if you want to and boost your post count!

Another activity to add to video games.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find a community here.

And, note my age. I have shoes older than you. And, I admit, I didn't necessarily enjoy all those years...or the jobs I had. But, they were the path I followed to get to the future. Some parts of the path were not pleasant but they were a prerequisite for getting to a better future.

My recommendation is to not think of anything as final. Think of everything as a stepping stone. Make decisions that position you for a better future. A lot of small steps toward "better" will collectively make life better.

Persevere. Make decisions that position you for a better future. Sometimes you may have to take a few steps backwards and try a different path, but keep moving toward "better'.

I did that. I retired when I was 56. Comfortably!

Likes DoubleRetireds advise.... but Welcome to the Planet .. hope you find some sort of engagement here,
socializing , whatever? you have a life in front of yourself .. Your interests probably could qualify you fori some sort of a step up in ,looking for a job.. part time is a good start.. Sounds like you might need some practice masking? or not ?
But wish you luck in your future ......might see , whatever you go decide to do in Real Life World as a simple learning experience in the world , people and stuff out there.
Maybe even a practice at tolerance of the world.....out there.
Just try not to overdo when you start engaging the world ....imho
Welcome

Do you have any advice on learning to tolerate the world "out" there?
I've never masked, I don't really understand the concept.

Welcome to WP.

I still feel pretty much the way you do, although I've already gone through all the motions of having a career. having kids, and etc. It's not that I don't love my kids but I'm so burnt out I just want to stay "in my room" doing nothing for the rest of my life. For the most part that's all the energy I have left. I've never known how to mask either. Just existing is exhausting, and I'm quite often wondering what it's all about. I'm dx with depression but it doesn't even feel like that. It's just feels like a lack of motivation or ability for ... anything productive anymore. I'm fried.

That being said, I still think there's beauty in the world. There are still many interesting people to encounter online. There are still great works of art, literature, and music for me to enjoy. There are still pets to love. I'm not past the point of no return, although it's getting close.

Do you have any pets?

Wow you have a lot of posts on here!

Our family has had the same dog since I was a kid, but other than that, no

Sorry this long but you asked?

Am very sorry , it is a learned concept by observing people and your own interactions with them , everything that happens in your daily interactions/ especially non family members, gives you feedback to mask. ( mask : is a ever growing process for Aspies . my references are from old star trek shows , Watch the acting , and configure your responses so that you might copy thise style of interactions. Gives basic starting point , if you leave out the
extra scifi drama , It might be helpful if think in terms of kindness and gratitude, But in the later Star Trek ,
there was a space adversary called the Borg. part of Their motto was "You will be Assimilated" if you understand that concept. You might consider you are assimilating other NT behaviour . In order to interact to the best of your advantage in all situations . And Your emotions may get in the way or your Point of veiw or reasoning might interrupt your thoughts , while you make observations of people interpersonal interactions.It is important and hard to set aside your insights while learning. You might feel like you are just acting, Well you are,while being in public settings.
After you get to watch peoples more subtle gestures and nuances of interaction, Be an observer,until you start to develop the skills to copy or mimick NT people interacting .Usually watching the smallest group of individuals interacting ,will be easiest to learn from . Understanding you might make mistakes while learning. And might get frustrated, ( dont try to take on too much learning too fast) It is a process ,when your in learning mode.
[if you think that you can learn it on the spot , in your daily business stuff it becomes work, You want to make your learning easy,So go out to a coffee shop or some place that you can handle to do your people watching, to learn]( you can always get up and just leave)
Then maybe think about mimicking the interactions that appeal to you.That you have seen. And if you can do it first with people you know, and if it goes smoothly , remember to be grateful,even to yourself . Maybe give yourself a treat ,whatever that is to you .Some relax time. And if you get it right and your interaction goes well. then back away, And do not push your good experience, Just analyse, and try it again....And maybe expand on those good interactions later.Good Luck..these ideas are just my own..Masking is a growth process. Sorry growth can be a pain.
And there will be mistakes, but its a learn as you go.Later on you can take these skills into the work world.?
( Important) People Will judge you based on your appearance ! Most important. When you do your learnings
watching others .Your not there to make opinions on things you see, just observe and learn..If you feel self concious watching others in public , use Sunglasses,less obvious. Later you can test your interacting skills...be humble and smile whever you meet Anybody! Use words like PLEASE and Thank you ,alot.
Some people learnings can be gotten from watching old movies...boring shows , like " Highway to Heaven" will help
perhaps ..learning social interactions ...Sorry this long . Obviously these are only my opinions experiences for the benefit of any critical reveiws of this Post

Welcome to WP!

It sounds like you are in a bad spot. First off, I do not know if I can be of any help but I will give it a go.

I have a condition called Asperger's Syndrome, or Aspie for short. I have some of the same interest as you, such as playing video games. I am 74 years old and I still play video games, very complex video games. But I have lived a good life and provided for myself and my family and worked for 40 years until I retired around 15 years ago.

But I am different then most people. My whole way of thinking is very different and very unique. I understand one of my differences. Most people have two brains. One on the left side of their skull which is the dominant daytime brain. The other exist on the right side. It is your sleep brain and it exists in REM and NREM sleep. But in my case and probably yours also, I had a brain flip when I was young. So I do not really fit into this world because my brain is very different than most adults.

But I have developed a very different ability. When I was young I learned how to join my two brains together. I allow both brains to resolve conflicts and participate in the decision making process. TWO BRAINS ARE BETTER THAN ONE. How is this done? For me it was learning how to use a Ventriloquist Doll. It had a head that moved, eyes that moved and a mouth that moved. It was almost like operating a living breathing human being. I don't think I had any training on how to use it. I just figured it out as a child and by watching it on TV. The key in using this ventriloquist was awakening the second character. It was my sleep brain. It took both characters online at the same time to play. We had conversations and made people laugh. It provided me latter in life the skill set that no one could ever attack my thoughts. It gave me great freedom and allowed me to live my own life.

That's a really interesting method. I wonder if I could find something like that that works for me.

I think it is worth a try. In this modern world there are many kinds of Ventriloquist puppets. Seek one that appears human, that can move its eyes, mouth and head. Just practice a little each day until you get it to become HUMAN. You will know it is there when you can:
Project and talk like a different person. You will talk to it and it will answer back. Many times it has a very different humor and thought pattern. Just keep working on it alone and then when you have made progress, bring it out and let others see you perform.

If you gain this ability, you will observe the world with greater clarity. It will give your style of thinking great strength.
Most people have only one daytime brain. Either left or right side of the human skull. This allows you if you learn to master it the ability to use both sides. It provides great strength.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!