how does a man with AS get a girlfriend?

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i'm 45 and never had a girlfriend i've tried over and over again asked out 40 girls dated 20 girls still it never goes beyond the first or 2nd or 3rd date to a relationship so how do i get a girlfriend? this is been my biggest problem in life it has given me perpetual sadness and hatred.

it has consumed my mind and life for over 20 years. i will always have this feeling until i just to get a girlfriend. it has left me bitter depressed and hopeless for my future of having a girlfriend and having a good life. never having had a girlfriend has ruined my life.

Last edited by Cornflake on 19 Sep 2023, 8:15 am, edited 2 times in total.: Removed a generalized attack on others

I've found having women as friends tends to help.
I've found not treating women as a distant other tends to help.
I've found not stewing in hatred over previous rejections, failures and disappointments tends to help.
I've found not fixating on having a girlfriend as though it were merely a goal or an accomplishment tends to help.

If you hate women you probably shouldn't be involved in a romantic relationship with one anyways. How would that be fair to her? But beyond that, if you're filled with hatred towards women it's quite likely you also express contempt or resentment towards them, whether consciously or not.

If someone's always assuming they'll be rejected, so hopeless they don't bother looking for signs another might be interested (to be fair, this is something we tend to suck at) and dripping with contempt for the appropriate gender because they've failed to engage meaningfully with them, all of those put one at a severe disadvantage for finding potential partners. On their own, any one of those is a repellent attitudes, but when combined they're bound to drive pretty much everyone away.

And most of that applies to non-romantic relationships too.

Yep. Self-fulfilling prophecies.

The important question is how people can break out of these negative thought-loops.

Practice good hygiene and grooming.  Dress well.  Go places where people gather.  Mingle.  Observe how they interact, but don't stare.  Smile.  Make friends.  Speak well, but do not dominate conversations.  Be honest.  Make small talk and avoid taking sides in heated discussions.  Buy the next round when it's your turn.  Avoid loud people.  Broaden your standards -- no one is perfect.

Probably a lot more to it, but this should get you started.

To put it bluntly, you should consider dating women who are obese, and if you're white consider black women. There are many lonely black women your age.

If you want more advice, I suggest you reveal more about yourself. Do you have a job, a car? Where (roughly) do you live?

Look in the mirror and take a good long honest look at who you are, where your are in life, why is that, what do I have to offer, and how can I improve. You will find the answers to your questions.

As others have said, the right attitude plus the basics in terms of a car/one's own place will certainly help in the dating realm.

another angry depressing reminder

Yeah, guys with bad attitudes towards women tend to struggle romantically unless they're also gay.

I think you might need to completely turn around how you think about this. Instead of thinking about how you want to "get" a girlfriend, which might come across as treating another person as a goal, try thinking about what you can do for them. You might be more welcomed if you are seen as offering a listening ear, and as someone they can talk to, someone who cares about them and their well-being, someone who is interested in how they feel.

There's also the matter of just coming off as odd, as so many of us with AS sometimes do, and that might take working with someone, perhaps a therapist, to find out the ways in which your manner or the things you say could come off as off-putting.

well i made that comment because its a depressing irritating reminder how cases like this are male dominated, as in, people who are 30+ or 40+ and have been alone, single their whole lives, are mostly male, even guys, men, who don't have bad attitudes

How do you know they are mostly male? What sources are you using for such data?

If true, how do you know they don't have bad attitudes? Based on personal observation, I've seen a significant amount of negativity, including anger/resentment/bitterness (i.e. bad attitudes), demonstrated by some.

The only reason I can see that it would be better if this problem had a more even gender distribution is those experiencing it could pair up with each other.

We can acknowledge the reality, but spending a lot of time focusing on the imbalanced gender ratio of those who are chronically single gets us nowhere in terms of making things better for anyone.

Though we should account for differences in dating standards and expectations for the genders, the central focus should be on how people who are experiencing pain can be helped.

If people are troubled, we should want them to be doing better regardless of gender.

Yes. It's always better, and our responsibility as humans, to have compassion toward one another rather than point fingers.

Maybe the gender difference is just that some women feel more okay with being alone, so they are not trying to pair up? Because mathematically there are an equal number of heterosexual men and women, so the math doesn't add up if the theory is that more men than women are single.

But I think that men who are sad about being single often don't even consider women whom they don't find sufficiently attractive. Maybe there just aren't enough women available who you think are hot, not that there aren't enough women around who could be your potential partners.

Personally, I'm a woman, I would love to have a partner, and I don't have any prospects. (I'm older so I am not looking for love here...)

I'm also single. I'd probably like to have a partner if someone I'm compatible with and who is a good person comes along. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship, though.

For me it was simple. Have your own place and a job.

I literally couldn't get a second date when I was unemployed and living as some guys room mate in a drafty old holiday home.

Women didn't want to date me again when I was unemployed? I don't blame them. They didn't want to end up paying my bills. I don't like dating unemployed women for the same reason.

After I got a job I got a lot more dates.

Oh and having your own place is essential for "intimate activities". That means no roommates or housemates. You have to be the sole occupant. Nothing ruins the mood like your mum being awkward or your housemate playing his PS3 all the time.