My boyfriend has serious hygiene issues
My boyfriend and I are both autistic. Since the beginning of our relationship I have struggled to understand his hygiene issues.
He dosen't know how or when to wash his hands. He gets sick all the time because he dosen't wash them enough and then eats food. Our intimate life has become so disgusting for me that I am repulsed by him due to his not washing up properly.
I've been patient, offered advice and even shown him how to wash himself properly. It dosen't stick. So i show him again, I'm patient again.
He and I experience autism differently of course. We are different genders and different people overall. But his hygiene issues have become exhausting for me. He also does not understand danger the same way I do or other people do. At times, putting us in risky situations I wouldn't normally find myself in simply because hes so naive. Like the time a man walked up behind us in the middle of the night at a gas pump and i had to grab his attention to get in the car. The guy was absolutely about to attack/rob us.
You can tell him something and he will verbally acknowledge all the ways he understands it. But then the behavior will repeat. So i try to explain it in a different way.
Now hes taken to becoming almost petulant over it, self pitying and acting like hes a child when I bring up the hygiene issues that are effecting our love life and his health.
I've finally told him that after a few years of this I cannot take it anymore. That this is grounds for a breakup because its putting our health at risk and effecting my ability to be comfortable with him.
But i genuinely don't want to break things off. I love this man so much and feel these struggles he has are possibly related to autism. That its a struggle he has that I do not.
So how can I handle this without losing him in my life or breaking things off?
Please do not attack me on here. I am not trying to be mean. I just need suggestions if you've been through this yourself and how to handle it.
I do not judge people with hygiene issues but I see it as a safety concern. What more can I do to help?
My ex had hygiene issues, so I can relate in a way although I did not love him.
Has your boyfriend’s hygiene gotten worse over time? Sometimes people struggle with this more when they are depressed. I’m the opposite in that regard. You know I’m struggling when I want to spend the entire day in the bathtub.
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I am sorry that you are going through this as looking at breakups can be a hard decision. On the contrary, it doesn't sound like you are right for each other. Based on what you have said, he does not sound like he's in a place to date anyone. Especially since he can't seem to take care of himself. He also sounds like he's very immature.
In fact, he sounds a lot like an autistic male who I had a crush on for a while. He also had poor hygiene, and poor social skills, and didn't understand when something was inappropriate.
For instance, he would start doing these really bizarre and wild dances that involved everyone else moving out of the way. The main reason is that he would fly around the room.
I finally had to let him go too and you know what? I found someone better.
If he wanted to change he could. Depression, autism, nonetheless if he wanted to change, he could.
He won't change unless you give him an ultimatum. And if he doesn't change you need to walk and don't look back.
You may miss him and you may hurt. But is that worse than having some sort of relationship with a man whose hygiene you are constantly concerned and disappointed with, to the point you are coming here looking for advice?
There are different issues going on here. One is the disconnect between understanding why hygiene is important and actually being able to actually perform the tasks on a regular basis. If These issues have gotten worse over time rather than better. it could be depression, burnout, executive function issuesor resentment over what your partner sees as nagging. (or all or more of the above).
His situational awareness issues that you say put you both in danger are a separate issue.
From what you have said in your post, you seem to have taken on 2 roles in your relationship. that of partner and that of parent. That's not going to work. Its setting you both up to fail. You can be one or the other but not both. You have also isused an ultimatum. You either have to follow through, or lose any credibility and any leverage you had to bargain with.
I suggest you talk over both issues, and recommend he find outside help in the form of therapy as this is something you can't fix. I also recommend taking a break from the relationship to give him some from of motivation to seek outside assistance. It would also be beneficial for you to be able to take a few steps back and decide if this relationship is really worth it to you.
If your partner begins to show some actual effort in at least trying to work on those issues (independently of your influence) you can always re-evaluate your willingness to have a relationship with one another.
I am curious to know if his hygiene issues have actually gotten worse over time or if its simply that you aren't as willing to overlook them as you used to be. That is something that happens when a relationship is beyond the initial infatuation stage new relationships have. (things you used to find "cute" can easily become irritating, etc.). If that's the case, its just time to move on. If your partner has managed to survive to this point, then its likely they will continue to do so going foreward.
nick007
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His situational awareness issues that you say put you both in danger are a separate issue.
From what you have said in your post, you seem to have taken on 2 roles in your relationship. that of partner and that of parent. That's not going to work. Its setting you both up to fail. You can be one or the other but not both. You have also isused an ultimatum. You either have to follow through, or lose any credibility and any leverage you had to bargain with.
I suggest you talk over both issues, and recommend he find outside help in the form of therapy as this is something you can't fix. I also recommend taking a break from the relationship to give him some from of motivation to seek outside assistance. It would also be beneficial for you to be able to take a few steps back and decide if this relationship is really worth it to you.
If your partner begins to show some actual effort in at least trying to work on those issues (independently of your influence) you can always re-evaluate your willingness to have a relationship with one another.
I am curious to know if his hygiene issues have actually gotten worse over time or if its simply that you aren't as willing to overlook them as you used to be. That is something that happens when a relationship is beyond the initial infatuation stage new relationships have. (things you used to find "cute" can easily become irritating, etc.). If that's the case, its just time to move on. If your partner has managed to survive to this point, then its likely they will continue to do so going foreward.
My girlfriend is like the OP's boyfriend regarding hygiene & various work in general. Cass has major executive function problems, forgetfulness, anxiety, depression, ADHD, possibly Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, & some physical health issues. The stress of having work to do causes her to shutdown or she gets caught up playing video-games or other tasks to try & avoid work & relax from the stress but the stress just builds up the longer she puts things off. She mentioned this again to her psychiatrist last week & he upped the dose of her mood-stabilizer. She hasn't found much that helps so far except trying to avoid stress that she can. As to how I handle this, while I'm extremely hardworking in a workplace situation I've always been lazy at home; but unlike Cass I'm lazy because I don't majorly care if those things get done or not whereas she majorly wants things done but is overwhelmed by the stress of having to do them. Cass's hygiene issues usually don't really bother me & I've slacked off with my own since she doesn't majorly care. I'd have no problem getting back into the routine if I had a reason to like if I get a job or if Cass wants me to do better & she was going to do better herself.
OP I wonder how your boyfriend feels about your own hygiene. Hypothetically if you think he might be bothered if you were to slack off your hygiene at his level, you could try slacking off for a bit & then when he complains you could use it as leverage to get him to improve his. You could tell him something like since he slacks off so much with it you don't feel a need to worry about your own.
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nick007
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I have had hygiene issues but based on sensitivity issues.
I hate showers because of the feel of the water.
I cant stand any hygiene products with scents.
Soap causes dryness and itchiness.
Can't use shampoo either, the itching drives me nuts.
Washing powder has the same effect, I'm allergic or something.
Toothpaste is like burning my mouth out with acid.
All these have workarounds though.
Maybe your bf has similar problems?
Have you tried showering together?
Could be sexy and you both get clean at the same time.
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funeralxempire
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Have you considered a pressure washer?
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Haha, that made me think about all the movies where the police/prison guards get the firehose and wash someone down, then throw powder on them.
Really though, that kind of behaviour sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Whilst some days I struggle to shower etc , I am also single at the moment. If I have to go somewhere, it’s straight in the shower etc. I also have lists pinned up in various places to remind me what I need to do. Maybe give that a try.
WantToHaveALife
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Maybe some kind of "to do" list. Maybe he just needs instructions for life. Some people thrive from lits.
I know a person who writes lists for everything including having a shower and doing laundry and it works perfectly.
Whatever anyway you either need to put your foot down with him.
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