Its possible this might be what I have

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I have been on a lifelong search of what is "wrong" with me. I am a conventionally attractive woman. I say this only because I think its relevant to know that my issues don't come from not being able to fit in, in that way. I have still always just struggled socially. I have always disliked birthday parties, from when I was a little girl, for example. Just trying to give some background but not wanting to go off too much on that subject.

My parents wanted me to go to therapy when I was young. They never told me why but they apparently noticed something off about me. I know I was always anxious. Just felt very scared and unsure in the world. But I am somewhat intelligent. But only in certain ways. My parents had me take an IQ test and I scored pretty high. I have a great memory. I am a great reader, great at spelling, and great at solving analytical problems. I scored 98% on the analytical section of the GRE. Graduated from a good university. I am not saying all this to brag. I am focusing on my strengths right now though now maybe I should get into my weaknesses.

I just don't get social relationships. Why do people fall in love and marry? Why do they need to be around people? I would rather daydream or just be alone. I tried relationships. They are stressful more than anything. I mean, I get it some. I have certainly been attracted, infatuated, have bonded with people. Have had close long lasting friendships. But I just feel more comfortable when I don't. I have trouble keeping up with the level of interaction most people require in a relationship. I easily feel smothered. I feel like I have to entertain people, when I am around them. Instead of being able to just relax and enjoy their company. Most of the time. I am happy when we can have deep discussions but that doesn't always go well for reasons I will get into.

Another thing is I think I am able to see through BS better than most. Maybe I am being delusional about it but I feel like I just see reality more clearly. I see through smoke. And sometimes I express that and say things that are considered non PC. People get upset because its like "You are not supposed to say that!" While to me its like, "But its true, why can't I say what I observe and what seems to be obvious truth?" And people are like "You just can't! Its not PC!" So this has been an issue. As a result, I kind of feel constantly gaslit. This has been a constant, since I was a little girl.

Sometimes I wonder if I am completely imagining things and if everyone else is right, and if so, how and why am I getting it so wrong?! Its confusing and maddening.

At the moment my life is pretty good. I am extremely isolated, pretty much by choice. As I said I find social interaction stressful. So the solitude is peaceful. But sometimes I miss having conversations. Sometimes I think I might want a companion just to sit there in silence with me while we drink wine. And sometimes to get into a deep conversation about something. No small talk though. No just wagging our jaws just because, chattering about sports or weather. I know a lot of people find that to be a relaxing, bonding activity. I guess I am just not getting it, socially. Most people don't want what I want. And I am not giving them what they want either.

I have been just wondering what is wrong with me. Why is everyone else in relationships and that seemed to come so naturally to them? I don't miss being in a relationship but I just wonder, why am I not? What is "wrong" with me? Am I aromantic? Am I unable to love or be loved and if so then why? A lot of navel gazing.

I am starting to ramble. I have just not been able to talk about these things in so long. I have never been diagnosed as being on the spectrum. I have no idea if this is what is going on with me. I think something is different about me though.

I just want to find a place I might fit in a bit, to have somewhat of an outlet. Maybe find some people who relate to me and that I can relate to.

If you have read this, you are very patient, and thank you. I am just going to read around the forum a bit to see if I might fit in here.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP!

From what you have written, I feel like you will definitely find kindred spirits here. I too have spent my life wondering what was wrong with me, but the first step on your journey is realising that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You are a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world. I hope that your journey here opens up new perspectives and that you find what you’re looking for.

Nothing is "wrong" with you. I can relate to a lot of what you posted and I learned to stay quiet whenever I've wanted to blurt out that another person is obviously telling lies, or exaggerations. Society is weird. NTs have built up this world where it is acceptable to lie and unacceptable to point out the lies, because it's not polite. I think the lying is not polite, but most of society would disagree.

Anyway. One newbie to another, welcome to WP. Hope we both find what we're looking for

-Autmn

I am a man. To be honest, I have only dated two women in my life that I have had repeat dwtes and we have been together physically (As in kissing and huging though the second it was difficult) though not sexual other than with the first where it almost lead to that. (I didn't want to go further as we were going to get married and I wanted to save it for the "Special day" which never happened...

But with both times when it was over, though I was in a mental sorry mess, (Suicidal with the first as she just suddenly and very unexpectedly broke all contact and I never back then knew why as she would not say a word... Six months later a work collegue who had not seen me due to the shift patterns told me that he had seen her intimate with another which was when I forgave myself as I had assumed I had done something wrong!

The second was on the spectrum and it was when I stwrted to ask questions about myself. A lovely lady but somehow deep down I knew that she was not for me. I ended it and felt really bad, but I then introduced her to a man who is now her lovely husband. She won't speak to me and have both lost touch though we have a mutual friend. Still think a lot of her in respect of her.

But what I am saying thst while I ended up in an emotional mess in both cases when it ended (Think that is normal?), inwardly I was somehow relieved as the stress of trying to act the part had gone.
I do think it is possible to find the right person who one can unmask and relax with though. The only people I have found I can umask to are my Mum (My Dad died) and one of my few friends who lived ten miles away from where I lived, and possibly another friend who maybe on the spectrum herself. I have another two friends, one online and one online that I meet him every other year or something like that. (Not been able for a few years due to covid stress or other stresses. Waiting for things to be stress free for a while).

Some people are by nature relaxing to be with so one can unmask, though it takes many years of knkwing them as a friend to unmask with them, and then it is not purposfully done. Is more that the masking brokedown and when it happened when I was with a friend, he didn't react in a bad way and was still my friend. (The one who lives ten miles from where I used to live). Usually things go bad when the masking breaks. Had a whole collage class turn against me when thie happened before. So for him to hardly notice (Other than I shut down on a stairs in a shop) means that he didn't react badly. He didn't notice when I unmasked! People normally notice!

But what I am saying is the firet woman I dated I was masking a lot and she was hard work to be with as she lived a life of inward secrecy and lies, so she never opened up. We loved each other LOTS, but... Well. Put it this way. I had been dsting her for nearly six months and we were going to marry in the future and one day when I turned up at her parents place she wasn't there, so I asked whefe she was and her slightly older sister said that she was at the solicitors about her divorce. I didn't even know she was married! (Out of love I stupidly carried on as she then explained to me when she got back).
But inwardly dating her was stressful as I found I could not relax. I could not unmask.

The second one we had not seen each other enough due to distance, but I think I could unmask with her as she was on the spectrum... I may have been partly unmasked. I don't know. Need time to think to work it out.


My Mum and Dad were equal opposites. Think it likely they were both on the spectrum (None were assessed as it was not a "Thing" here in the past). But both would be on opposite sides within the spectrum if that makes sense? And yet they knew they were for each other, and they were married right up to the time my Dad died. Yes they had ups and downs. Especially late in my Dads life when he hit his mid to late 50's when the doctor put him on medication which altered his mood and he would go from one personality to the other. Even thr police were fed up of the doctors lack of response or interest in trying to put his medication right. (Medicated for lung issues). Doctors refused to believe us and the police that he was changing personality as when he was with the brief visits to them them he was ok. Yet the police had the helicopter out and the whole of the force was trying to find him on at least one occasion. (Actually more than one occasion). But what I am saying is, apart from the times he was put on medication for his lungs, he and my Mum were such a team together that each of their oppositeness qualities complimented each other in amazing ways! So it can happen with the right one is what I am saying.

And I perfectly get what you mean by relationships taking a lot out of you. Need a person that is not emotionally energy draining.

Recently, earlier in the year I lost two dear friends who I could talk to. Rarely saw them as limited my visits because we got on so well that if I visited we would talk until it was dark and past all our bed times! Haha! But I was scared to over stay and lose friends, so I rarely visited so I could keep them as friends! But now they have both died within a month or two of each other after having had a vaccine booster. I am left with a hole where they were. A gap? Is like I occasionally think "I must tell them about..... " but then realize that they are not there! I am sad and in inward shock!

Best I stop writing now.

Sorry.

To begin with - Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I am an Aspie, an old Aspie. I reached my 75 year mark last month. Aspie is short for Asperger's Syndrome, which is the condition that I have. It makes me special. It has strengths and weaknesses.

When you look at humans, about 50 percent in the U.S. are introverts and the other 50 percent are extroverts. An extrovert when they need to get their internal batteries recharged join a group of people and talk. They talk and talk and talk and very soon they recover to normal. But introverts are different. We need to be alone. We play video games, read books, build things, etc and slowly our internal batteries melt away our stress state.

So I guess I would first say is THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We have strengths and weaknesses. It is not all weaknesses. The key in life is to know what they are and to use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses.

How did you get this way? Well humans are a very complex species, much more complex then anyone ever imagined. If you look at the human skull, there are two sides in our brain. One exist on the left side and is dominant. It is our daytime brain. The other side exist on the right side of the brain and it is our night time brain that exist in REM and deep NREM sleep. But sometimes we die before being born or during the birth process or during the first few years of our life (prior to age 12) and something interesting occurs. Our body does a brain flip. Our right side brain comes online and takes over. Eventually our left side comes back and becomes our night time brain. It is a brain flip. But if this happens then we go to a very different place called Wrong Planet. When we pass the age where children become adults, we may not make this transition.

I died when a large bull attacked me around age 3 or 4. I experienced what is known as a near death experience at the time. I came too and saw my dead body. I stood right next to it and my parents stood next to me in utter horror. A voice spoke to me. It said "Live or Die, Choose". I could not stand the fear in the hearts of my parents and I said Live.

You wrote, "I feel like I just see reality more clearly". That is true. That is why you score higher on IQ tests. The accuracy of your decisions may be near the 98% mark in areas that you develop an interest in and dig deeper into. Whereas in NTs they are closer to the 60% mark. But the world is so big and there are so many things that you can take an interest in. So you feel that somehow you are being attacked because you express the obvious. That is true. I think that is why most of us keep quiet and either don't speak and just stay dormant. Sometimes it is just easier to do things then to try and ask permission. It works for me.

You wrote, "As I said I find social interaction stressful. So the solitude is peaceful. But sometimes I miss having conversations." So I will give some advice. First off, there are others like you. They live a little off to the side. You will sometimes stumble onto them and they can become lifetime friends. So search for them and when you find them you will find some happiness in your life.

You wrote that you do not know if you are on the spectrum. There are simple test you can take online that can provide you a fairly good indicator to answer that question. Take some of these tests and see how you score.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP! I hope you find it comfortable.

You don't say whether or not you've had an Adult Autism Assessment. If you are considering getting one then I'll mention it was kind of fun! (I was 64 when I was assessed.)

Informal ways to check you suspicions could be:
► Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test (AQ)
► Aspie Quiz

But I should mention that a formal diagnosis is not required for participation on WP. Nor is an informal diagnosis. Or even a remote possibility that such a diagnosis might apply to you. All that is required is a polite interest in the topic.

So, really, Welcome!

Thank you very much for the warm welcomes! I feel very welcome and I appreciate that! I appreciate that some people seem to relate to me, and even if not, are still welcoming. Its refreshing to find!

I took the AQ quiz and scored 18/50 (non autistic) but I do wonder how gendered that quiz might be. A lot of the questions I felt like, well, I can do those things (read social situations and such), but only because of being heavily socialized to do so (not necessarily because its second nature or enjoyable). But of course its not a formal diagnostic tool. Only a professional could do that, and even for them its usually very subjective.

But I feel very welcome here and am grateful for that. I still don't know if this is the right category for me, but really if I can find a place I can fit in a bit and just share some polite company and a meeting of the minds, then I will be happy.

The world can be a stressful place, and for sure I struggle with anxiety and just the ins and outs of coping with the stresses of daily life. As we all do, as human beings. So regardless of any diagnosis, just feeling understood and welcome means a lot. So thank you, you all who have welcomed me!

About Mensa, I did research it years ago and found out I would be eligible (just barely) based on my GRE score. Never followed through with joining. Part of it is that I have just never felt attracted to group activities or being part of a club environment. But I might just be reacting here to some early bad memories of club type environments. The right environment might work for me.

Maybe my issue is just social anxiety and just having a neurotic and anxious disposition. Some people just seem to so naturally fall into line with social norms and enjoy the company of friends so effortlessly. I get accused of overthinking everything instead of just relaxing and going with the flow. I don't know if its intelligence so much as just having a mind that is overactive in looking for threats everywhere and assessing every possible threat. Just a tendency to overanalyze and be in my head too much.

Its a great suggestion though and I appreciate the thought. Some people are so smart I am awed by them. I would love to be smart like that. I think I am smart enough to be a good student and test taker but part of that is just learning the game and just having a good memory (which I will admit, I was gifted with a great memory).

Another thing is that I have noticed that most people actually assume I am slow. I am not sure if this is just because I am a woman, or I just don't fit the stereotype of what people think of when they think of a smart person. I don't wear glasses, I wear lipstick, have long hair, I like to wear bright colors. A lot of people assume these things must mean I am vapid. People never guess I graduated from a top university and have two master's degrees. This is just something I have observed over the years. I get spoken to like a child or like someone who graduated high school at most. So for that reason I just wonder how the Mensa members would see me? Would they accept me as one of their own?

I am definitely enjoying this discussion though and finding you all really enjoyable to talk to though.

croissant, May I switch to Direct Message to continue this conversation? I figure we'd be discussing Mensa, not Autism.

Many of us who answer you most likely have exceptional memories.

You have it too: Only it has changed over time, it has specialized.


IQ is not only the logical mathematical one but is composed of various forms of intelligence, I am not writing about Gardner, I mean cumulatively and then there are the unconventional ones, the sub-intelligences.

MENSA trains the human mind with tests on what trains it.


In my opinion, the calculable IQ is only significant if it exceeds 160.


Below it is not, let's say, formidable.

I think that MENSA is as useful as reading, studying, training.


But it starts with you need to know a few things to get started.

Meanwhile, to know you have to know, to know you have to read, to understand you have to store and associate memories and make them work together, you have to understand how to think.

I think in images.

So I am both advantaged and disadvantaged.

I realize that I have an unconventional memory

Memory is key.
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Hi nice to meet you.