My attachment style is 'terrified'. My default position most of the time when I start to develop any sort of bond with a person is 'they will likely steal/lie/cheat/stab/rape/kill me at some point and I have to accept that and continue anyway'. I've had too many bad experiences with humans to not be very careful now. Even people that I thought were genuinely nice ended up hurting me. Mainly because I was an overly trusting naive idiot who ignored or didn't see red flags that were apparently obvious to everyone else. So it's my own fault for being a walking target and attracting people like that.
That's aside from the unusual interests/lifestyle I have for a woman and for my age that make it difficult for most people to relate to me and vice versa. Other than family, most of my relationships these days are based on shared work interests (mainly tech), charity or projects with other workaholics/nerds. The ones I initially met online all assumed I was a guy at first, so I had a chance to get to know them without the awkwardness I normally deal with in real life. I've pretty much given up trying to make regular friends, although I will be friendly and chat to anyone I meet if they seem ok. But I expect them to get bored and disappear soon after. I don't let my guard down very easily now, as I'm tired of getting burned. I logically know that there are good people in the world. I just haven't met a lot of them and I'm rubbish at accurately judging who I should or shouldn't trust.
01 Nov 2023, 2:14 am
