How do you deal with alexithymia?
BugsBunnyFan
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06 Dec 2023, 12:37 am
I don’t fully have alexithymia, but it seems to affect my sexuality. It’s hard to know when I feel sexual attraction. All I know is that I don’t want to date men. I like them as people, but I have no interest in dating them. People don’t seem to understand that basic concept. They keep trying to force me to give men a chance even though it’s disgusting/boring to me.
I bet they would respect me more if I was a true lesbian. By that I mean having obvious and clear attraction to women and an actual dating history. I have no dating history, unless you count one high school boyfriend I had zero attraction to. I guess not having defined attraction to women or anyone makes me part of the asexual spectrum. I hate the idea of that. I hate the idea of ending up alone and never having sex. I feel so forever alone because only men seem to be into me. Usually I avoid labeling myself, but I guess I like to use the lesbian flag. The rainbow flag will probably be too obvious and also make me look like a straight ally.
BugsBunnyFan
Raven
Joined: 21 Nov 2021
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 110
Location: Bugs Bunny in a dress
06 Dec 2023, 1:53 am
It's nothing to be ashamed of, either way.
Can you explain why you think it's alexithymia?
My sexual fantasies say otherwise. I also seem to get attraction once in a while, but it often comes out of nowhere. When it’s noticeable for me, it’s overwhelming.
06 Dec 2023, 6:39 am
It's nothing to be ashamed of, either way.
Can you explain why you think it's alexithymia?
My sexual fantasies say otherwise. I also seem to get attraction once in a while, but it often comes out of nowhere. When it’s noticeable for me, it’s overwhelming.
Oh. I would have thought this is normal and how sexual attraction always works?! But, then again, I also might have alexithymia.
23 Feb 2024, 8:34 pm
*Sighs*
Yeah, I've been there. Unfortunately some people just don't really get it. They refuse to listen. They hear 'I'm not attracted to men' and take it as an opening statement in a debate when there's no debate. You're just stating a piece of information.
"Well that's because you haven't met me yet!"
Or
"Why? But my son would be perfect - blah blah blah"
Or
"So, you hate men? Is that it?"
It can be pretty tiring. People expecting you to make your case (or twisting your words into something they are not) as if you have to justify something that just is. That's just innate to you.
Then you might wonder 'What can I do so they will recognise me as who I am and not question me all the time instead?'
It's difficult but sometimes you have to accept that some people are just intentionality obtuse and difficult. They'll think they know you better than you do even when they really don't.
However, their opinion isn't what matters. Rather, what matters more is making connections with others in the community and with allys that get it.
I can certainly understand the worry of looking like a straight ally and that you'll be overlooked. I used to worry that people in the community wouldn't take me seriously and that I'd be invisible to women because they'd assume me to be straight and not believe me when I told them otherwise. Imagine my surprise when the reaction was overwhelmingly 'Yeah, I knew instantly, you're pretty obviously gay, it's not difficult to spot'.
As for sexual or physical attraction coming out of nowhere, yeah, I've been there as well. It's quite common for there to be high points and low points. Sometimes it does just hit you out of nowhere. Especially if you're used to repressing / trying to ignore it or there's a sense of shame attached. I know when I've been feeling really down (exhausted, stressed, going through a rough patch) and then I've got through that, well those feelings can sometimes rather abruptly come back.
I think a good question to ask yourself would be - why do you find it overwhelming? Do you feel ashamed or worried about being predatory / seen as such? I know it can be difficult to identify the route of being overwhelmed sometimes, but if you can reflect on this at all then it might help.
Of course, I am a mere stranger on the Internet. You know your mind better than I ever will. Still, I hope this post is helpful.
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23 Feb 2024, 9:33 pm
I bet they would respect me more if I was a true lesbian. By that I mean having obvious and clear attraction to women and an actual dating history. I have no dating history, unless you count one high school boyfriend I had zero attraction to. I guess not having defined attraction to women or anyone makes me part of the asexual spectrum. I hate the idea of that. I hate the idea of ending up alone and never having sex. I feel so forever alone because only men seem to be into me. Usually I avoid labeling myself, but I guess I like to use the lesbian flag. The rainbow flag will probably be too obvious and also make me look like a straight ally.
TBH, if you're saying that men are disgusting and boring, then you're kind of bringing that kind of response on. If you're saying that it's not something that really does anything for you and they're still saying that, then they're probably jerks or ignorant.
I'm not necessarily saying that they're right, but people are not going to understand conceptually somebody being asexual and having such strong negative views on the subject as that's just going to look an awful lot like somebody who isn't, but is just so traumatized by something that they're dissociating. If that is you, then get used to explaining that you do have strong feelings about it, even though you are whatever you settle on as you.
As to the remainder of the question, that's why I got a therapist. I had a bunch of exercises to help me to connect the physical sensations I was experiencing with my emotions. It kind of sucks because while it has helped me identify when I'm feeling good, it also means that when I'm clumsy and hurt myself, it also hurts significantly more than normal.
Probably the best place to start is simply with body scans to see where your feeling stops. In a lot of cases, if you're preventing the emotions from coming, it will also result in the body below the neck also getting numbed out. And the same seems to go if it's less emotions and more the overwhelming stimuli.
EDIT: There's also sex therapists and sites like beducated if you're more interested in figuring out that aspect of your feelings. I definitely went through periods where I had zero interest in sex, probably due to antidepressants.
23 Feb 2024, 10:06 pm
What you are describing in not Alexithemia - you may be on the Asexuality spectrum. If you can understand and appreciate your sexual fantasies, but don't find the idea of actual sex appealing that's still a sexuality issue. you can be semi-romantic, demi-romantic, homo or hetero-romantic, or a host of other flavors and STILL be asexual.
23 Feb 2024, 11:58 pm
Alexithymia is much more complex and is beyond the realm around the talks of asexuality.
Needs more elaboration.
Else, this is just you not liking being asexual because of some social shaming, fed ideas about having living and whatever emotional unfulfillment.
Dealing with alexithymia requires a plenty of time in self inventory... Lots of attempts in talking about feelings and describing them.
And plenty of exercises that focuses on the internal instead of external.
Else, you cannot change asexuality. Then deal with asexuality as you worked up with alexithymia.
Channel your alloromanticism and make do with your fantasies. I think it's possible.
And I don't believe being alexithymic and being asexual meant having no sex and being lonely.
Asexuality and alexithymia is around feelings and matters internal, these are not 'achievements' -- sex and relationship itself is 'an achievement'; something you can do and have.
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