Anyone imagines suicide visually?

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I've been doing this for quite a while, usually hanging by rope (as no easy access to guns here, although I do at times wonder what that feels like, too... nothing else, though; recently I began 13RW and I can't believe how deep the blade needs to go to die, must be so painful... don't understand why anyone would do that if suicide is to relieve pain), in a sort of attempt to try to convince myself that if things become really bad there's still that option... in 2005 I spent half a year or so convinced I'll do it at a certain point, before my own mind convinced me not to due to happiness I once felt and wanted again... but, of course, things could get worse than just 'rotting', as last summer when governmental employees were harassing me for months on end, until somehow they stopped (well, I always wonder whether I just missed an email, but too afraid to specifically look... keep thinking they'd come back at some point to deliver my final blow, but I know it'll never actually be that, and they'll just do the equivalent of dangling me from a cliff, and then I need to decide whether to live like that or just let go because this world is so horrid...)

Not really suicide, but I fantasize about being executed a lot. Firing squad, hanging, guilloitine, you name it.

For the same reason, or not?

I don’t want to go into details, but yes, I do this. It’s better right now than it was in the recent past, though. When my mental health is at its worse, I’m more likely to experience it which probably isn’t surprising.

Visually and viscerally.

Yes and no; I’ll explain.

I’ve never had active suicidal thoughts nor ever wanted to die or kill myself, not that I can recall anyways. But I used to have a lot of intrusive passively suicidal thoughts that would sometimes include visual thoughts. They were at there worst and most frequent about 12-13 years ago when my mental/physical/neurological health was at it’s all time worst - in the months leading up to me figuring out the root cause and how to treat it all via diet and natural medicines.

When I would have visual intrusive thoughts like that a common one was some variation of picturing being obliterated by a passing train or truck if my vehicle were to be stuck/stopped/pushed onto the tracks or into an intersection kind of thing. Stuff like that.. a thought/visual thought of how all of “This,” could simply be over. A bit suggestive I suppose, and if I were mentally susceptible to that suggestion I suppose it could have turned into action and I suppose that’s how it happens for some.. a repetitive intrusive thought/visual so tormenting that people can’t deal, so, they don’t anymore.

But I never felt that way about them. I didn’t like them, naturally, but I never felt like I was going to follow that suggestion. Instead I stubbornly defied them, refused to let them win, decided to observe them come and go and acknowledge that they were Technically thoughts in my head But they weren’t My thoughts - they were intrusive thoughts.. caused by Something, and whatever it was was getting worse as the thoughts intensified and grew more frequent. Until I figured it all out and countered the root cause and brought things back into better balance I got through it by utilizing the single most powerful force we know; Love. Not for myself - wasn’t too happy with me and how I was going.. but I would close my eyes and picture my youngest God daughter’s little smiling baby face and Know that I could endure a n y t h i n g - any amount, intensity, or frequency of these thoughts and visuals for as long as it took to figure out how to overcome them Because I’d do it for her. She was 4 then and I was 28 or 29. She’s 16 now and still has no idea on how instrumental she was in saving me from myself back then. I dunno if there will ever be an appropriate time to share that with her, but I’ve shared it here before and I’m sharing it again now because I think the process is a very valuable tool and I can only Hope that someone else’ love for someone else gets them through their most unspeakable thoughts.

It’s been a long time. I can’t remember the last time I had thoughts/visuals like that. Maybe it’s been ~12 years. Sure, life isn’t perfect and definitely has its ups and downs but my entire vibe line has been elevated to a higher frequency and the dips in my waves never Ever hit the rock bottom lows they did back then. For that I am definitely grateful.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.