long term grudges
if I understand somebody did something deliberately to harm me, embarass, shame, or otherwise make me a victim of their actions, I am pretty rigid and slow to forgive. Many people have grudges against me, and have stopped communication or interacting with me, but until I learned about my autism I did not understand why. One or two folks were offended by things I said or did without the intention to cause hurt, (but I did hurt them, I think) and took revenge in sabotaging my work, setting me up as a scapegoat for blame for things I did not do, etc... I still have not forgiven those folks. That happened maybe 4 or 5 times in my life, 3 of them were family members. I still don't interact with them on any level if I can help it. I am very slow to forgive.
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kokopelli
Veteran
Joined: 27 Nov 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,657
Location: amid the sunlight and the dust and the wind
I generally don't hold grudges long at all.
There is one, though that I still have thirty years later. I was head of R&D at a company years ago and we were defrauded badly by another company that owed us a lot of money. It was so bad that it drove us into bankruptcy. At the time, I was the fourth largest stockholder in the company. If we hadn't been driven out of business, I would be worth tens of millions or hundreds of millions of dollars by now, maybe more.
I have never lost by grudge against the fraudsters in the company that drove us into bankruptcy.
I held a grudge against my dad for a long time because he underestimated the type of future I'd had and showed displeasure towards my accent when I was 12. I no longer hold a grudge against him.
I'm still holding a grudge against Ken Livingstone because of what he did to London's bus system.
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Hmm.....grudge...."a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong"........"a strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person who you feel has treated you badly, especially one that lasts for a long time."
I don't think I have much in the way of long term grudges. Maybe a little bit towards one or two of my schoolteachers back in the 1960s, but strangely not towards my mother who must have given me as much pain. I suppose it's because I can see that my mother was a rather disturbed person, and therefore somehow beneath the required level of responsibility for judgement, while those cruel teachers seem to have had a lot more of a choice about their behaviour towards me - in those days teachers had a lot more freedom to do as they liked, and they certainly didn't seem terribly overworked or unhappy.
I have trouble resisting the temptation to discuss and lampoon some of the naff behaviour of one of my ex-wives when I recall it, but I don't think that's really resentment. It's more light-hearted than that, though as we were married a long time I do feel a bit of resentment that the relationship wasted such a large chunk of my life. Still, I understand that nobody forced me to stay with her, and when she'd crossed one line too many I got rid of her and thus "had the last laugh," if I may put it so crudely. I've had other partners who gave me more pain but these days I feel more sorry for them than I do for myself. I probably tend to emphasise their unreasonable behaviour when I talk about them, at least to a degree, but I think a lot of that is down to my desire to justify my own actions rather than to demonise them particularly.
I do tend to rather strongly resent people who are currently messing up my life or the lives of others who I care about. My neighbour who lives in the apartment above mine makes a hell of a racket, often right through until the small hours of the morning when I'm trying to sleep. I've named him "Tinkerbell" which is deliberately ironic because he's a clumsy "big-footed elephant." I would also like to take revenge against him, at least I think I would, though if I got the chance to seriously mess up his life then I'd probably not actually do that. But it's different because he's a current problem and I'll very likely stop denigrating him to myself and others as soon as he stops causing me pain.
I guess I entertain quite a lot of ignoble thoughts, and they can sometimes take the form of grudges. I don't feel particularly guilty about it because my behaviour towards the targets of my resentment isn't anything like so nasty as what goes on in my mind. I think it may be dangerous to try to sanitise my inner feelings too much. So I allow myself to denigrate in my own head as a kind of safety valve. I know I don't really mean it.
I don't tend to hold grudges at all. If I have to, I will simply remove that person from my life but even that isn't something I do lightly.
I've never seen the point of holding on the anger, it doesn't harm the other person in the slightest, but does have negative effects on my well-being, which doesn't help anything.
I don't know what grudges other people my have towards me, its none of my business.
I hold grudges for a ridiculously long time. Like so long I oughta have a written list because I keep forgetting why I'm mad at people in the first place. Someone told me that holding grudges against people was bad, so I tried to stop.
When I was younger, I kept getting picked on/bullied for reasons I don't remember and I'd put my hands over my ears and repeat saying, "don't hold a grudge" over and over again.
When that didn't help anything, I just gave up on the concept of forgiving people, especially when they don't apologize.
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I don't hold grudges but I have a very good memory.
When I'm triggered by something else, the memories sometimes flood back.
That happens even if the trigger wasn't related to that person.
It's like an insecurity reflex.
I have to talk myself through them so the person won't think it's a grudge.
I actually have the opposite thing, in general.
I forgive people far, far too easily and too often.
I take the blame for everything because of my guilt / shame spiral from CPTSD.
That all being said, screw with my kids or someone I love, and I will hold a grudge.
I'm more affected by others being wronged than myself.
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homurathought
Hummingbird
Joined: 16 Dec 2023
Age: 19
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 19
Location: georgia, US
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