I can't keep female neurotypical friends

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Hello, autistic 29 year old male here.

While I usually actually find it easier to make female friends than male ones, for some reason every time I've made friends with a neurotypical woman I've always ended up falling out with them for one reason or another. Here are some examples:

1. First female best friend I remember having was one I met in a psychiatric ward. We were very close for a while but sometime after we were both discharged from the ward she suddenly deactivated her Facebook page, and I ended up losing contact with her.

2. Next there was a friend who I was in a shared Facebook group with me about creative writing. She kept asking for advice and feedback about the book she was writing and then kept asking me to go to a wine bar with her, but I didn't think she wanted anything more than a friendship because she had a boyfriend at the time. After five or six meetups she eventually stopped asking and then randomly removed me as a friend on Facebook.

3. Next there was a woman I used to work with that I became best friends with. We used to send long messages to each other all the time and had long video chats after work (this was during the pandemic), and so I got to know her very well and accidently developed feelings for her. However she had a boyfriend, so I wanted to wait until she was single before I told her how I felt as I know it's a taboo to tell a woman in a relationship that you like them. When I eventually did end up telling her after she split up with her boyfriend, she got angry at me for having not told her before and blocked me on all social media.

4. This next friend was also from work, and she became extremely supportive towards me after I ended up getting laid up. She also sounded extremely enthusiastic about meeting up with me again whenever I asked, but then when I tried to arrange anything she'd always say she was busy and avoid the meet up. After a six months had passed she still seemed to keep putting it off so I ended up asking her if her boyfriend had anything to do with her not being able to meet up with me, but she ignored the question. She ended up blocking me after I made a Facebook post in the new year, praising her and a few other friends for how supportive they've been since being laid off from work.

5. The next close female friend was another one from work who used to help me a lot with my mental health issues, and she said after I was laid off that she'd always be there for me as a friend if I ever needed her. However whenever I asked her for help on Tumblr she'd always ignore me, and then after me asking her if I'd done anything to upset her and if that was why she wasn't responding she didn't respond to that either and removed me as a Tumblr follower.

6. Lastly there has been this other friend I was just starting to get to know really well, but she then got a boyfriend and told me "I have a partner now so not sure it'd be appropriate to be going out with you on my own". However this doesn't bother me nearly as much as the other examples as although I generally don't agree that women in relationships shouldn't talk with other men, at least she gave me a direct answer and it makes me suspect that she may actually herself be autistic (she has other autistic traits I've been picking up on too).

Is there anything about these examples that I should have done better? What should I be doing differently when making friends with neurotypical people (women in particular)?

Thanks!

It's been my experience that all males (NT or ND) have problems maintaining life long female NT friends.

I would not be too concerned as it's not unusual at all.

If I think a little deeply about this, basically females have more in common with each other than with some dude and so prefer to keep ongoing friendships with other females. While this is not always the case it tends to be more common than not. The second issue is sexual tension. This is especially the case for cis-straight men and is much worse if you are single. While the narrative is you can make friends with the opposite sex, the moment there is some level of attraction from either party then it compromises the friendship.

For me, since marriage I have no female friends outside of work. I have, however, plenty of female acquaintances (family, in-laws and work colleagues).

But to be fair, since marriage, I can't keep male friends either. The older you get, the more fixed in your ways you become and less flexible and open to new experiences.

So in conclusion maintaining a friendship takes some work/effort even with other males. But it takes more effort to keep a female friend.

As much as women like to deny it, it is difficult and scary to be friends with men as an adult, especially if the women are not single.

I am married so I tend to avoid men more. Many girl friends I have that are not single also tend to not put any effort into making male friends. This is because we each have several experiences where we had male friends, and they suddenly confessed to us. And then after we rejected them, they became mean and scary and ruined our friend groups.

We are afraid of making friends with men because we are afraid to losing them if it turns out they only wanted a romantic relationship.

but some of my female friends only look to befriend men for romantic reasons. And then they get frustrated (?!) when the men don't "act first" on her romantic interests.

It is just a more awkward and difficult to navigate social situation when you become friends with the opposite sex or join a friend group that is mixed. It is worth it, though, to become more open-minded and have broader interests, I think.

I had a 1990s mixed gender friend group and I can tell you (despite Seinfeld and Friends on TV showing us how it was done) it was hard. We had fun but unfortunately one of the regular girls in our group (let's call her Elaine) was incredibly attractive and she knew how it impacted on me in particular as I was the only male who wasn't dating. The group also transitioned (kind of like pre-internet Seinfeld) and we had members come and go, appear and move on. The attractive girl somehow managed to hookup with half the men who joined the "friend group". This was before the era of dating apps.

I also have a very hard time keeping NT females as friends.

I personally had a few long-term friendships with autistic females specifically, but they seem to only last a year or a few years at the most and then fizzle out.

I can keep male friends indefinitely pretty much, so I focus on those friendships nowadays.

Even male NT acquaintances are hard to keep as friends.

I remember being at my clubhouse crying as I told a staff worker that every NT female that I've been friends with has given up on me. That was 12 years ago and I haven't had an NT female friend since than.

Yeah since getting married none for me either - that's 21 years now

Same!

I could tell some craaaazy stories.

^ I’ve had more of a problem with NT guy friends. It’s tricky when one person wants more than the other or develops feelings if you know what I mean. This was more of a problem when I was younger, especially when I was in my early 20s.

NT or otherwise I've always found it easier to make and maintain friendships with girls/women.

Making friends with people of any gender is really hard for me offline because I’m very shy. That’s not a complaint though. It doesn’t really bother me anymore.

In an online environment you need to define what constitutes a "friend"?

Well, I can't keep friends at all these days, but I think it's because I got too tired to care.

I suspect you are coming across as "clingy". They engage with you. In return you engage with them too much. It's subjective, but when you see someone first responding with enthusiasm and then trying to ghost you, that's usually what it means.

My advice is be who you are, warts and all. It might not make you popular, but it takes less energy to do it over decades. When you do that, open your eyes and see who seems to be having a good time because you are there. When you find those people, once in a while ask them if they want to come along with something you would do with or without them.

"I have a craving for Korean food. The fermented cabbage is calling my name. Feel like coming?"

Over time, some will stay. Most will not. As best you can, don't pay attention to gender. Look for common interests, something you all like doing.