NT mom is the bane of my existence

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My mom is the greatest source of stress in my life. More than stresses about money, jobs, raising children and the state of the world combined. As far as I know she's the biggest stress to every other family member, too. I don't understand how one person can be so volatile, so combustible, burning with fury from hell and ready to fight everything. Every time I talk to her on the phone I feel apprehensive, you never know when she'll turn into a fit of rage over something ordinary, like property tax going up every year.

Today we were just talking about my son's coming birthday. She said he's too old and we shouldn't bother celebrating his birthday anymore. Then she wondered if she should call, then decided it's no fun talking to an autistic guy so she wouldn't call. Then she imagined that he would not be grateful for the card and cash she's giving him and ranted forever about how all her offspring are disappointments. I don't think she has ever cared about understanding people. They should simply be what she expected.

I didn't say much and let her rant. Then she remembered me and said it's all my fault for not teaching him better and make him talk more. She then remembered that none of her grandchildren inquired about her health lately and was so sorry for herself and nearly cried (she just had a cold). She went on and on about the misery of her life and how I could have changed everything. Then she complained about making too much money and being taxed too much. You'd think that can't be my fault, right? By the time she's telling me that I'm a normal person I snapped and told her I don't take such a compliment or burden. I will never be normal, none of her children or grandchildren would ever be normal, just quit guilting us.

Marrying my dad, an autistic guy was her choice. It's not my fault that we all ended up not NT. I know she wants to complain about everything but maybe try accepting things in your old age instead of being unhappy? Age did not give her wisdom or grace. She was still angry at my dad for dying. If he's still alive she wouldn't need to pay so much tax. Sometimes I want to cry for being the child of such a shallow, critical, narcissistic NT person. I've got to outlive her or I'll never have peace.

Sorry for being melodramatic. Just cranky that she ruined my happiness of preparing my son's birthday party. My little guy is quite autistic and almost couldn't graduate high school. Now he's doing well in college studying computer science. My first son just graduated college last month. And, my boys love me and could tell me anything without worrying. I feel like I didn't do so badly as a mother.

I'm sorry you're going through that. That's a lot to deal with!

In my over 10 years here I have never advised anybody to take this radical of a step but completely cut her out of you and your kids life. Others here can advise you better then I can on how to do this and how to handle whatever retaliation she does.

At her age this wretched person is not going change. I doubt she will realize it but since she hates you all so much you will be doing her a favor.

Sorry and good luck.

Thank you so much for replies! I know this forum isn't very busy.

Unfortunately I can't cut her off. She's an orphan, my dad's gone. She only has two kids and my brother has severe mental issues. So I'm her only family who still has a brain. Also we're Chinese. If there's any issue between parent - child relationship people assume it's the child fault. Asian parents typically don't care about their children's happiness, only their success and the money they can make. Mental health was generally neglected. I wished living in the US for half of her life would make her westernized enough to change a bit but it didn't.

I'm satisfied with my life. It's average, peaceful and I never needed too much to be happy. She could not understand. She wanted me to have a good career, make tons of money, live in a mansion filled with cool stuff, and of course still have the time to talk to her and please her. I think there's no way for us to see eye to eye. I just have to set firmer boundaries.

It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected.
Listen to her rants. There. You have done your duty as part of the family.
Then you do what is best for you and your family, realizing that she can't understand what it is like to be autistic.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your feelings are valid. My mother has been the bane of my existence also and I absolutely get the thing about thinking you won't have peace unless you outlive her. At some really bad points last year, I can remember thinking to myself that I wouldn't have peace until one of us was dead and not even really caring which one of us it would be ...

To give the abridged version, my mother has a long history of drug use and significant mental health issues (diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I actually suspect that is incorrect and she has Narcissistic PD). When we were children, she both abused my brother and I herself and allowed her partner to abuse us, so we have always had a very rocky relationship and, as I got older, we were not in close contact.

Then, in late 2022, she suffered a major stroke, while uninsured (we're in the US) and without a stable residence. Due to the type of work I do (and my role as the 'responsible one' in the family) figuring out her situation fell largely to me, so over the next year or so, I put a lot of work into getting her onto Medicaid, handling her expenses when she had no income, setting up care for her, helping her apply for disability, playing referee when she would pick fights with her caregiver and new landlord or have law enforcement called to her residence because she created a disturbance, etc.

The time commitment involved was like a second job. Regardless of how much time and energy I put into it all, I didn't get as much as a thank you. What I got instead was verbal abuse from her and family members she bad-mouthed me to, weird head games and stress-induced medical problems. The stress of it all effected me so much it even contributed to the end of my last relationship.

I don't have very strong cultural pressures to look out for her as she continues to age, but I do have some that are based in religion, as well as the unusually strict filial support laws here in Pennsylvania. So, cutting her out completely is not an option for me, either. And, a lot of my attempts at negotiating boundaries really were not adequate. (For example, I got her to stop calling me at work to yell at me and create drama, but, really, having her do that later in the evening was still pretty triggering). Trying to tell her how I felt about how she was treating me didn't lead to much, either, since she seems to struggle with empathy, especially when her emotions are running high.

Instead, I wound up coming to the conclusion that I would need to enforce more drastic boundaries and limit my contact to essential matters. Not "no contact," but as close to that as feasible and primarily helping behind the scenes. I have struggled with the concept of 'honoring thy father and mother,' but reached the conclusion that it doesn't honor anyone to enable them in hurting others or themselves. I am trying to ensure that she has what she needs to be cared for (helping to keep her Medicaid waiver coverage, arranging her in home care, etc.) but have accepted that due to her behavior I cannot be the person to provide care or support to her directly.

I think that part of me hoped that the stroke might serve as some sort of wake up call (especially when it came to her drug use) or that she might kind of mellow out as she started getting into her 60's, but that has not been the case. I think that for many people, the stresses and indignities that come with aging seem to actually bring out some of their personality traits and natural dispositions even more.

Anyway, the moral of this cautionary tale is that it's really important to figure out how to set boundaries that work for you and allow you to stay healthy and sane. My hope is that you can manage to do this without feeling too guilty about it, either. The other people in your life need you, too.